[M] Trust Us (1/1)

Weeks passed and Gwiboon stubbornly refused to let Taemin creep back into her heart (not that he had ever really left it). They had begun texting and talking on the phone more regularly, and Gwiboon had even visited him at his summer job at the local pool one day. Not that she had told him she was coming, she had just decided to drag Jonghyun to the pool so she could work on her tan and figured that seeing a shirtless Taemin wouldn’t be that bad. Taemin, however, was just as stubborn and refused to let Gwiboon block him out now that he was home on break. He bombarded her phone with messages filled with emojis, left her voicemails just to say hi, and even dropped by her house a few times with random gifts of her favorite things (rocky road ice cream being her particular weakness). Gwiboon had to admit that the boy was determined and that she (rather grudgingly) liked it. If she was honest with herself, she loved everything about Taemin, always had and she feared that she always would. “Noona, Taemin-hyung’s here!” Jonghyun called to her from downstairs one night midway through the summer. Gwiboon instantly froze, happy that he had decided to come visit but afraid that he would see the state of her room, filled with boxes for storage while she was away at school and covered in NYU paraphernalia. She had yet to tell him about her decision to go abroad for college and she didn’t really want tonight to be the night either. Rushing down the stairs before Taemin could come up, she almost ran into him in the entryway where he was chatting animatedly with her brother. At her appearance, Taemin turned his attention to her and she couldn’t help but shiver at the look he gave her before he reached out to hug her. She breathed in the musky scent that she loved so much and made to move away after the appropriate amount of time but found that he wasn’t letting her go. Instead, he tucked her into his side and asked her, “Do you want to go for a walk? The sun’s about to set and I know sunsets are your favorite.” Gwiboon nodded her head without a second thought and moved to put her shoes on and grab a jacket from the hall closet. Taemin waved farewell to her family as they moved outside and began walking toward the end of her street. She was oddly self-conscious of her body posture, especially considering she was with Taemin, one of her oldest friends. Then again, it was precisely because she was with Taemin that she was hyper-aware of herself and her surroundings. Taemin grabbed her hand and pulled her closer to him so that their arms were touching. He laced their fingers together and Gwiboon looked over to see that he was smiling widely, obviously enjoying every minute of this. “Yah,” she said weakly, barely attempting to extricate her hand from his firm grip. “Who do you think you are getting all handsy?” “I don’t know, Gwiboon-ah, who am I?” he asked smoothly, looking her up and down as if daring her to answer. She simply scoffed and yanked on his arm as if to prove that she was still in charge here. When he was no longer looking at her, Gwiboon bit her lip and let out a long breath, happy that she had avoided having to answer his question – the one both asked and unasked. They had been skirting around the issue for weeks now, really months if she counted their official break up, and she didn’t want to have to trudge up those emotions even though she knew it was bound to happen eventually. They ended up at a park and Taemin pulled her over to the jungle gym right as the sun began to set behind the tree line that surrounded them. He moved them so that he was sitting on top of the stairs leading to the twisty slide and she was seated on the lower level in between his knees with her arms resting on them lightly. Gwiboon looked up at the evening sky and breathed in the fresh summer air as she allowed all of her thoughts and worries to slip away, even if just for a moment. The two were content to sit in silence and watch as the sun sank further and further down until it was no longer visible and the sky shown bright with beautiful colors as the stars began to appear. Gwiboon couldn’t help but appreciate the moment for what it was, probably one of the last peaceful moments she would have with Taemin, her first love. She knew that she couldn’t avoid his questions forever but she let herself enjoy the moment as memories from the past pricked at her heart and pulled her away from it all. She remembered when she was eleven years old and had just started sixth grade. Jonghyun was eager to start middle school but they were both scared because they had vastly different class schedules and would only see each other at lunch. Gwiboon was in advanced classes, had been since an early age, and so she was signed up to take most of her classes with the either graders. She especially excelled at English and was excited to be in the pre-high school course. While she had been busy worrying about Jonghyun and how he would cope being without her, she had completely forgotten to worry about her own situation and how awkward it might be to take classes with all upperclassmen. The thought didn’t even hit her until she was walking into her second period class, math, after homeroom and noticed that everyone was so much bigger than she was. Although she was taller than Jonghyun, she was still relatively short, especially compared to the other girls in her class who were maturing rather quickly. Aside from the fact that her parents predicted Jonghyun would take after their father’s side of the family and be on the shorter side, Gwiboon was only beginning to go through puberty because she was, after all, a boy – or had boy body parts and hormones. Her doctors had held off on beginning her estrogen treatments since Gwiboon hadn’t shown any signs of going through puberty but it was only a matter of time before they had to make the decision to redirect her body’s pre-destined journey through puberty by undergoing hormone treatments. Gwiboon sat down near the front of the class toward the windows so that she could look outside while the other students filed into the classroom. She nervously fidgeted in her seat and became self-conscious about a repeat from her first period class where the teacher had called her Kibum instead of Gwiboon. Thankfully, she was from a small town and had therefore gone to school with everyone in her class since she was in kindergarten, but she was afraid that not everyone in the eighth grade knew her secret and her stomach was soon filled with butterflies. Someone finally sat in the seat next to her, but Gwiboon refused to look. Once the teacher entered the classroom and shut the door, she snuck a glance and found Lee Taemin smiling widely at her. She gaped at him and he chuckled, punching her lightly on the arm, “What? Did you forget that I’m in the eighth grade or something, Boonie?” Blushing, she looked down and heard him chuckle. The teacher shushed the class and began taking role, pausing at Gwiboon’s name but ultimately calling out her preferred name rather than her birth one, no doubt due to a note that must have been written by the school administration. It was small thing, and probably no one even seemed to notice, but Gwiboon felt more at ease now that she didn’t have to explain why she had a boy’s name on the school records but actually went by a girl’s name instead. It just so happened that Taemin was in all of Gwiboon’s classes, save for homeroom, lunch, and music, for which Gwiboon was extremely grateful. Having a friend in her classes helped her feel more at ease, and the easy way that Taemin interacted with the much younger student helped the rest of the eighth grade class accept her. “Gwiboon-ah” Taemin whispered in her ear, pulling her back to the present. He was now leaning forward so that he fully surrounded her and her back was pressed firmly against his front. “Yes?” she asked, unwilling to let herself analyze the feeling of warmth that washed over her at his proximity. “Do you wanna know something, Gwiboon-ah?” he asked, his breath causing her hair to stir and tickle her face. “W-what?” she stammered, trying to remain unaffected. “I love you.” At his confession, Gwiboon’s heart began pounding loudly in her ears and she began to feel light-headed. The past few months had been torture as she had wrestled with her confused emotions about her identity, as she had fought both internally and externally to determine who she is. Jongin’s words had cut her deep that day at the park and she had been unable to speak to him again for fear that simply seeing him would make her burst into tears. He had openly admitted that the thought of Gwiboon dating her brother was gross and she wanted, no needed, to respect her friend. She also needed to work through her own feelings on the issue. Even though she was a girl, she had the body of a boy and she was afraid that Taemin, or any boy for that matter, would never be able to love her because of it. What straight boy would be interested in dating a girl that had a penis? As the barely-repressed emotions washed over her, Gwiboon began to cry and attempted to move away from Taemin. She needed to get away from him; she was gross, this was gross. Gwiboon struggled in Taemin’s now steely embrace but she truly had no more energy to fight. Instead she found herself leaning her head into the nook of Taemin’s shoulder as she clung to his arm for dear life. “Gwiboon-ah, please don’t cry,” he cooed, kissing her hair and rubbing her back soothingly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to upset you. Please tell me what’s wrong,” he begged drawing her up so that she was now sitting sideways in his lap. “I-I,” she began but had to fight back the sobs in order to speak. “I love you, too,” she somehow managed to get out. She felt Taemin sigh in relief but continued on before he could say or do anything. “I l-love you t-too, but I know we can’t do anything. It’s wrong, g-gross, and I’m s-sorry for putting you through this.” At her confession, Taemin stiffened around her until his grip had become so firm it almost hurt. “What are you talking about?!” he finally said, not quite shouting but his voice was quivering with unspoken emotion. “It- I- I know that l-loving me is g-gross, and I’m sorry that you have to endure it,” she tries again, hoping to let him know that she understands how wrong’s she been to make him love her. “I know we both feel this way, but it’s wrong, Taemin. How could you be with someone like m-me? How c-could I do this to someone l-like you?” At her last statement, the tears took over and she was once again unable to speak properly. Taemin stood up suddenly, hoisting Gwiboon so that she was now cradled in his arms. He looked down at her tear-soaked face but her tears make it unable for her to see the look on his face of utter disbelief and love. Gently, he set her down and began kissing her cheeks, unable to stop once he started and finally capturing her lips in the heat of the moment. She slowly returned the pressure he was seeking and he moaned, gripping her arms tighter as if he was afraid to let her go. He finally broke the kiss when they were both breathless and panting, his forehead resting heavily against hers as they breathed each other in. “Don’t you ever say something like that again, Gwiboon. Do you hear me?” he asked harshly causing her eyes to open in shock. “You are not gross. Our love is not gross, so don’t you ever even think it!” his voice rose at the end but only in desperation as if it was only way he could make her understand. Gwiboon’s mind was reeling. She had spent months fighting with herself and years trying to understand how she fit into the world, but she had never imagined that she would ever hear something like this. “But I thought- Jongin said- I d-don’t know-“ “What did Jongin say?” Taemin asked, his voice dangerously quiet as he leaned back so that he could see her whole face. “He,” she began but was afraid to continue and see just how Taemin would react. What if he agreed with what his brother had told her? What if he rejected her after saying all of those lovely, perfect things? “He what, sweetie?” Taemin asked, brushing her hair out of her face tenderly as if to reassure her that he wasn’t mad at her. “He told me that our relationship was gross,” she finally whispered, rushing to continue before he could say anything else. “And I know, I know it is Taemin-ah, I get it. How could you love someone like me? How could you ever want to be intimate with a boy who’s just pretending to be a girl? How could-“ Gwiboon was forced to stop speaking as Taemin covered her mouth with his. She tried moving away, needing to finish, needing to think, but he refused to budge until she finally succumbed to the feeling of Taemin’s mouth on hers, his tongue brushing over her lips until she allowed him access to deepen it and their tongues danced magically together. “Is that why you broke up with me?” he asked when they finally parted. “Because you thought that Jongin was grossed out by the fact that you’re transgender?” Gwiboon bit her lip nervously and nodded, keeping her eyes down out of shame. “Baby, he was grossed out because you’re one of his best friends and we practically grew up together. Not because of anything else.” “But-“ “No, Gwiboon. You do not get a ‘but’ here. Do you understand the shit you put me through – put us through – these past few months? God, I was so torn up I almost quit school to come home and win you back.” At this confession, Gwiboon looked up at him. They had barely been dating for a month when she had ended it and even then they had only ever really held hands and made out once or twice. There was literally no reason why he would have quit school and come back for her. Now that she thought about it, there was literally no reason that he should even be confessing right now, why he should love her. Especially after everything she had put them – him – through, he had no reason to be in love with her. “Taemin, don’t be stupid. We’d only been dating a month!” “So what?” he scoffs as if this is the most ridiculous thing she has said yet. “We may have only been dating for a month but I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember! How can you not know that?” he breathes, clearly frustrated with her. She makes to move away so she can see him better but he refuses to let go. “Tae- come on. Don’t be ridiculous. How can you even say that?! I’m a boy! I’m a boy pretending to be a girl!” “Don’t you dare,” he hisses between clenched teeth. “Don’t you dare say another word. Do you think I don’t know what you are? Do you think I don’t know that you’re really a girl trapped in the body of a boy? And don’t you even think about telling me what I can and cannot love about you. I love you. All of you.” Gwiboon gasps at his confession, at the weight of the words that shatter her illusion, her struggle with herself. “I-I don’t know, I can’t-“ she is unable to think, unable to process what is happening. “Then don’t,” he replies, once again capturing her mouth in a heated kiss. The action pushes all rational thought from Gwiboon’s mind and she falls into him until he is picking her up and she has to wrap her legs around his waist for support. She can feel her body react to their proximity, to the emotions that Taemin stirs deep within her. As her body begins to stir, she panics and attempts to break the kiss, afraid that he will cringe at her aroused state. Taemin holds her still and moves his hips so that she can feel his own arousal rub against hers through their pants. She moans at the contact, her head leaning back in ecstasy. “Tae,” she breathes, unable to fully catch her breath as he peppers kisses down her neck and laves at her collarbone. Her small breasts heave and rub against his firm abdomen as they continue to move against each other and now Taemin is the one that moans, crushing her even more closely against his body – although Gwiboon isn’t quite sure how that is even possible at this point. “Taemin,” she tries again, this time her voice is firmer and he finally pauses in his ministrations. “Tae, we can’t do this here. We’re in a park for fuck’s sake.” As the realization hits them, they both laugh and Gwiboon leans down to kiss his smiling lips. This kiss is much less hurried and much more sensual, as if the two know that they will have more time than just tonight to relish in each other. “Okay, babe,” he breathes, letting her slide down his body until her tip toes are once again touching solid ground. Gwiboon drags her hands down his arm until she laces their fingers together and she begins to walk towards the steps, tugging him along behind her. “Let’s get out of here,” she breathes huskily, looking slyly over her shoulder at him to show him that this will only be put on pause for so long. He smiles, loving everything about her in this moment, and says, “My parents took my brother to Jeju this weekend to celebrate.” Gwiboon smirks at that and stops abruptly; pulling Taemin down the few inches she needs to kiss him fully on his already kiss-bruised lips. They both can’t help but smile into the kiss until Taemin is suddenly swooping her up into his arms and running to his house. ~ It turns out that Taemin had done even more research on male-male intercourse than Gwiboon had. The thought makes her blush as she lies naked on Taemin’s bed waiting for him to return from the garage where he had left the “supplies” in his car for fear that his parents would find them. Honestly, Gwiboon had watched her fair share of gay porn both for research should she ever need to get intimate but also for pure enjoyment. As a female, she couldn’t deny to herself, or Taemin when he had asked her about it once they had started undressing and she had tentatively rubbed her palm against his erection, that she very much liked that particular part of the male anatomy. Even though she herself had a penis, her appreciation for the appendage only applied to other men and she had never really been turned on when she had experimentally tried jacking off one night. Instead she had had to learn other ways to please herself, which were a little bit more embarrassing to admit aloud but nonetheless just as satisfying. While she waited for Taemin to return, she fidgeted on the bed and became self-conscious. Although he had already see her, she didn’t like the idea of him coming back into his room to her lying there, in all her transgendered glory, for him to see everything. She wiggled herself under his comforter just as she heard him thunder up the stairs. When he came back into the room, Gwiboon could feel herself becoming less absorbed in the moment as the thought of actually being intimate with Taemin hit her. As he approached the bed he bent down to drop the supplies, condoms and some lube, onto the end table before he stripped out of his sweatpants. Gwiboon swallowed at the sight and felt her face flush at the perfection that was Taemin’s body. She had always appreciated the elegant dancer’s body that Taemin possessed, often being envious of his skinny legs compared to her slightly thicker and shorter ones. Now, however, she could see that he had definitely been working out since he had left for college. His stomach muscles were well defined if not to a full six-pack yet and his pectorals were equally delicious. Gwiboon felt another spike of arousal shoot through her as she unconsciously licked her lips. He caught her staring and laughed, “Like what you see there, princess?” Gwiboon blushed at the question and tried to look away but was unsuccessful because Taemin had crawled on top of her. “Hey, come on. You know you can look as much as you want,” he brushed a light kiss on her cheek and made to pull the covers away. “N-no, I don’t think I’m ready yet,” she said as she managed to hold the blankets tight to her torso. “Babe, what are you talking about? I know for a fact that you are ready,” and at this he laid down on top of her so that they were touching from head to toe and he could feel just how aroused she was. “Tae, I just, I don’t want you to-“ “Kim Gwiboon. Are we really back at this? I told you that I know exactly what I’m getting myself into. Why won’t you just trust me? Trust us?” “I don’t know how,” she whispered so quietly that if Taemin had not been so close he might have missed the words. “I know this is your first time, and that’s okay-“ “No, Tae. I don’t know how to trust you with this. I can’t even trust myself.” At her deepest confession, her darkest secret thus far, she looked up to see Taemin’s reaction. She had been dreading this, dreading the thought of letting him know just how scared she was of this moment. Taemin was looking down at her, his face unreadable as he took in her words and their meaning. Seconds turned into minutes and they still lay there. Gwiboon wiggled under his intense gaze and began to feel like the walls were closing in on her. She had done it, she had completely ruined everything. “Tae, I’m sorry, I just-“ “Gwiboon, seriously just give me a minute to process.” They both grew quiet again and Gwiboon had to push back her internal monologue so that she could try to at least remain calm. “Gwiboon-ah,” he finally said after what felt like an hour. “Yes?” “Please tell me now if this is something you want to do. Like really want to do?” He looked down at her and she could tell that he was being completely serious. He was asking her if she was 100% committed to losing her virginity and being this intimate with him. “I don’t know,” was all she could say. At the admission, he closed his eyes and leaned down so that his forehead was resting against hers. “Babe, I get it. I don’t want you to feel pressured. I won’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with, okay?” She nodded silently, biting her lip at the conflicting emotions coursing through her body. She so desperately wanted to be close to him, wanted to know him in that way, but she was also afraid of what that moment of passion might bring. “Can we just, I don’t know, start slow? And then whatever you don’t like we’ll stop? Immediately, no questions asked,” his eyes pierced into her soul and she found herself elated at the thought that he was still committed to doing this and that he was willing to experiment with her. “Come on baby, you’ve gotta talk to me. Yes or no?” “Yes,” she breathed and moved her hands so that one was resting lightly on his neck and the other was tangled in his hair. “You too, though. If you ever don’t like something or feel weird, please just stop. I’ll understand, I promise,” she said, wanting to make sure that he knew she was just as committed to making him feel comfortable as he was to her. “Okay, deal,” he breathed right against her lips as he once again took her mouth in a heated kiss. Their hands explored each others’ bodies tentatively, mapping out each nook and cranny until there was nothing left to the imagination. When Taemin’s hand finally brushed against the part of her that made her physically male, she gasped and tried to break their kiss, but he refused. He lightly caressed her until she felt a few drops of precome drip from her slit and groaned at the feelings that were washing over her. “Please,” she breathed, panting, “please not there.” Taemin instantly removed his hand and brought it to cup her hip, stroking up and down her sides, grazing her small breasts and returning back down agonizingly slow. Gathering up what courage she had, Gwiboon grabbed his hand and brought it up to her lips to kiss before making eye contact and guiding him down her body where she spread her legs wider and placed his hand on her entrance. His eyes darkened but pushed into her lightly before he made eye contact and asked, “Are you sure?” She nodded her head, unable to say anything at the amazing feelings taking over her body as he touched her exactly where she wanted to be touched. He teased her entrance some more, causing her to close her eyes and relish the moment. Although she had touched herself there many times, having someone else do it felt even better. Taemin worked on inserting his fingers into her slowly, making sure to use extra lube so as not to hurt her and she only whined as each intrusion felt like bliss. When she was unable to handle any more teasing, he reached to grab a condom but Gwiboon stopped him. Taking the condom wrapper from him, she shyly looked up at him as she removed the bright red condom and sat up to slide it onto him. He grabbed her in a rough kiss, unable to stand the sight of her and needing to distract himself from the amazing feeling of her hands on him for this intimate act. Finally, he pushed her back down and reached for the lube, making sure to completely coat himself and her already slick entrance so that he wouldn’t hurt her. As he lined up, he could feel her tense beneath him and he looked down to find her face scrunched up and turned to the side, her body tense. “Hey,” he said, reaching out to turn her face so that they could look into each other’s eyes. “Do you want this?” Gwiboon seriously considered the question and knew that without a doubt she wanted this more than anything. “Yes,” she said, sure to make her voice clear so that he had no doubts about her answer. He smiled down at her and leaned down to kiss her while one of his hands moved up her body to cup her breast and pinch her nipple just the way she liked. She breathed into the motions and felt her body relax, and just as she did, Taemin pushed into her and she cried out at the new feeling. Taemin stopped immediately, already fully seated in her as he waited for her to adjust. After all of his extensive research he knew that the first time was extremely painful regardless of how much preparation was done. Gwiboon breathed through the pain while Taemin remained still within her but continued to tease her nipples, his hand moving back and forth as if to distract her at least a little bit. She wiggled unconsciously as his hands stroked the underside of her left breast and she felt a tingle shoot through her torso (of all the places to be ticklish!). At her movement, Taemin groaned and moved his hips. They both moaned, Gwiboon loving the feeling of him slide into her and the noises he made that told her just how much he loved it to. “Move, Tae,” she said, demanding him to do what they both wanted. Taemin leaned down to kiss her again as he began to move in and out. Gwiboon’s erection was caught in between their stomachs, which made it hard for her to forget that it was there but it actually just added to the sensation. Taemin at least didn’t seem to mind it as he continued to pump in and out of her until they were both covered in sweat. Gwiboon became restless and began to move with him, meeting him thrust for thrust to urge him on and let him know that she could take more. He slowly got the hint and grabbed one of her legs, drawing it around his waist and holding the top of her leg so that he could gain some leverage to pull her onto him as he moved. The new position opened her up and allowed him to get that much deeper until they both felt the instant that Gwiboon’s prostrate had been rubbed just the right way. While the feeling of being penetrated had been a nice slow burn, it now became a red-hot fire that was stoked each and every time Taemin moved in her. He loved the way she screamed his name and threw her head back at the feeling, as he continued his pace. Encouraged by her reactions, he began to thrust a little more harshly and erratically as his own pleasure began to build. Gwiboon was panting at the sensations that were hitting her body, loving every bit of friction between the two as Taemin hit that spot inside her one last time before she was lost to pleasure. Semen coated her stomach but she couldn’t even give it a second thought as Taemin stopped moving in her and released into the condom, drawing in and out of her a few more times before he was wrung dry. Gwiboon was lost in post-coital bliss as she felt Taemin pull out of her and discard the condom in the trashcan beside his bed. She heard him get up and leave the room but couldn’t raise her head to see where he went. Just as she was nodding off, she felt a cool washcloth rub over her stomach and down to her entrance and she shivered at the sudden contact. She mumbled a thank you and turned to snuggle into the pillows until Taemin returned and moved in behind her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her back flush against his front so that they were spooning. “I love you Gwiboon-ah,” he whispered against her hair as he began to trail kisses down the side of her face to where her shoulder met her neck. “Mmm, that’s nice,” was all she could say before she drifted off to sleep.