Mixed emotions (1/1)
“Gina-,” He began, looking for the right words to say. I looked at him, big eyed and hopeful, “…I miss you…but I don’t know if I want you back…” “Go home then.” I snapped immediately. He seemed startled when I got up from the sofa. “Is that it?!” Onew stood up too grabbed my arm. I turned around reluctantly, “Not going to even kick up a fuss, shout at me…start an argument?!” He asked, clearly looking for more conversation. I crossed my arms, “Why should I? What’s the point? You don’t want me back? Fine.” I protested calmly. Obviously I was not happy with this arrangement but I wasn’t about to get on the floor and beg. Stupid asshole. “I didn’t mean I don’t want you back…..I mean…” He sighed, looking drained, “I mean, my head and heart are pulling me two different ways…My head tells me I don’t want you back, I don’t want to go through that heartache again…” I listened to him, “And your heart tells you?!” I asked. He looked at me, “It tells me everything hurts without you.” I was struggling to keep my stern expression. I sighed and relaxed my arms. “You’re an idiot.” I said simply. He looked stressed. “Just say it Onew. Say everything that you’ve keep to yourself for all this time. Scream, shout, cry….argh I don’t know, just say it!” I said, sitting down on the sofa again and letting him have the ‘stage’ that was our living room. Onew took up my offer and stood before me, then began to pace the room. “Okay….” He began, taking deep breaths as he thought. “After I found out you slept with Jonghyun, I was more embarrassed than anything else…it made it look like I wasn’t good enough for you in bed…it was a knock to the ego, but I got over it because my feelings just kept growing for you.” He said truthfully. He was quite calm now, but a storm was brewing.“Then, the whole Joon business had me confused, but I realised you hadn’t been lying and in all truthfulness, I just relieved that hadn’t slept with him…I thought that Jonghyun was just a one off….everything was going to be okay. I just couldn’t understand where your feelings had gone for me. I couldn’t understand why you suddenly didn’t want me anymore. You wouldn’t let me anywhere near you.” Onew began to look angry, frustrated and frankly, quite scary. “But I put up with it Gina. You KNEW I wanted you. You KNEW I was in love with you still despite everything we’d been through. Then Key. I found out about you and Key. All that time I’d been lying in bed, at photo shoots, filming on television, my mind was entirely on you. I never thought about anything else. I wanted to hold you so bad, I wanted you in bed next to me….but I was outraged. It was the last fucking straw!” He shouted, pulling at his hair, I tried to remain calm whilst letting him express his feelings, “I put my all into our relationship! I tried everything to keep you interested in me! Damn it, we were even meant to a couple on We Got Married. I’ve never- in my whole life- put so much effort into anything. I got in the car when I heard you’d disappeared. I turned the engine on and drove to the bottom of our street, and then I thought ‘What’s the point? I’ve done this before, and she still slept with someone else.’ I didn’t go any further. There was nothing left in my heart. I was worn out, I couldn’t even fucking cry about it.” I gulped, I had watery eyes. “I wouldn’t even know what to say to you anyway….what would’ve happened if I’d arrived at the airport? What did I say? ‘It’s okay Gina, I still love you Gina?’ cause really I didn’t know how I felt after that, and I fucking bet you would’ve been the same, if you were me. What did you want me to do Gina?!” He was breathing hard; this was evidently the first real time he’d got to let out how he really felt. And this was the perfect time. “I thought it was better if we both had time apart anyway…I got nasty when we had to do the photo shoot together for Jang-Ho….but what did you really expect Gina?! I had NO ONE to talk to about any of this. You’d slept with two other of my band mates….Minho and Taemin were too worried to bring the subject up….I couldn’t talk to my manager because he’d agreed that ‘we’d put it all behind us’ and I couldn’t bloody well talk to you could I? Because I knew it would end up in an argument. So nasty comments were all I knew. It was my defence mechanism. I told myself if I said these things to you, then I couldn’t possibly love you anymore…people in love aren’t mean to each other.” Onew looked really sad and hurt all of a sudden, “But I keep reeling out these comments because I wanted you to feel my pain…I wanted you to cry about it like I had done, to feel awful and guilty and fucked off with yourself. Huh, but I realised it was stupid and pointless because even if you didn’t feel upset and hurt, I did. And I couldn’t find any solution to my broken heart… I thought maybe if I tried to find someone else, it would be easier. The pain would go away. I wanted revenge. I asked Yeenie if she could help me find someone else. Next thing I find the We Got Married producers had been asked by Yeenie to put us together on the show. I didn’t say yes…I really didn’t. I didn’t fancy her and there was NO WAY I was going anywhere near her….turned out the producers had been bullied by Cho and Yeenie and put under pressure to put us together as a couple to replace you…” Onew seemed more relaxed now, He was thinking rationally, he looked like he’d said what he wanted to say. “I was secretly happy you were sticking around after I’d found out you were contracted with JYP. But I was worried you’d forget about me and move on. You and Wooyoung turning up as a ‘couple’ was just too much for me. I thought about all the bad things that had happened in our relationships, all the punches you’d thrown at me….then just when I thought things were getting worse, you strike me again.” He sat down next to me and made me look at him, his eyes shimmered with all the emotions he’d replayed, but he still was the Onew I’d knew, the feelings I had for him still remained.“Recently, I’ve seen you grow more. I see you as a woman and not the Gina I knew. So my head tells me ‘don’t go there again’, and my heart tells me I’ll never be happy without you.” I was worried. What was I suppose to say?! “I didn’t honestly realise that you felt like about me…the whole time…” I said- my heart beating out of my chest. He took my hand gently, “I can’t be with you if I don’t trust you…It won’t be straight away…I won’t be able to just to put this behind me…but I want you back so badly I am willing to make it work…please tell me you feel the same.”
What do you guys think? Make it work again? If you don't know already, I'll be double updating again this weekend! I'm leaving really soon so the story is coming to a semi-end, but there will be a sequel when I return ; ) Enjoy XD