Diagnosis (1/1)

I knew I was becoming depressed as I lay in the bed tears rolling down my face. I was trying not to wake everyone up. All I ever did was fake a smile and try to make everyone be happy. All my fans saw me smile and act cute, but deep inside I could feel my heart breaking. It hurt so much that I couldn't physically breakdown. My body wouldn't let me. I walked out to the balcony, the silence and the city lights so serene it made me sad. It was one of those moments when you know it will never be like that ever again. I knew then I needed help. I had been sleeping with the members to fill a frustrated void in my life and I was adopting feminine traits and was losing myself. All I could do was walk away and go sit in the shower.   The next day we were on performance for DNA and even though I was dancing and singing, I wasn't into it. Later, Jimin aproached me, "what is wrong? You messed up twice and didn't even notice." I couldn't even make myself feel embarrassed. It was numbing. I suddenly lashed out at him. "I don't know what is wrong with me! Why can't I just be good enough for everyone! I feel like every person I ever come across and allow myself to love will hurt me or I will hurt them!". he was stunned and I couldn't help it. I started to cry.