Why does it cost so much (1/1)

#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#"Insult me, leave me, but don't blame me,I tried, I loved and I failed,but I had no help...maybe you should have been there for me..."#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*# Jaejoong was lying on the sofa in his apartment. Alone. Again. Ever since the DBSK broke up, he was most of the time left alone. It's not that Micky or Junsu didn't care but they were both busy and even if they tried to avoid him a little lately, he could hardly blame them. He knew he was not a good company right now. Well... maybe for a some time, actually. He has always been sensitive, easily upset and agitated but while they were all together, he could somehow get over his depressed moods. However, it was not only thanks to the members... it was because HE was with him. Jaejoong would never forget the moment he saw him for the first time. People say, that your heart will flutter, your knees will go week and you will have butterflies in your stomach when you see the one, you fall in love with at a first sight. However, not any of these happened to him. His heart felt as if someone was squeezing it, holding in a tight grip and making it difficult to breathe; his stomach churned, making him feel sick. He should have known right then, that this love was damned from the beginning with no hope to survive. But he was young and foolish and madly in love for the first time in his life.  Unfortunately, Yunho was as straight as they make them and Jaejoong might look a little girlish but he most definitely wasn't a woman. He told himself, it's okay, that just beeing near him would be enough. They were members, friends and they were close. He could see him sleeping and eating, laughing and crying, he could be with him when he was sick and he could cheer him up when he felt down. They didn't need to be in a romantic relationship for Jae to pour all of his love to him. However, it's a human nature to be greedy, to want things for ourselves and as the years passed, somewhere along the way, he just started to want more. He didn't want a supporting hand on his shoulder or an encouraging pat on his head. He wanted hugs, that would last hours and passionate kisses. He wanted for his love to be returned. So he tried to give hints; making remarks here and there, testing the waters and observing Yunho's reactions. He was hopeful in the beginning, not letting the dissapointments get to him, but it got harder and harder to smile when Yunho coldly disregarded him. Each time he brushed off his hand away, every time he pulled away from the embrace, Jaejoong felt a little piece of himself die. Soon the happiness he felt while he was with Yunho turned into a dark hole, pulling him inside, crushing his lungs and preventing the oxygen from going in. He thought, he would never be able to leave Yunho, but he was scared of his own emotions because what he could once call a pure love was slowly becoming a sickening twisted desire, that was out of his control. He could never hurt Yunho in any way, he would not be able to forgive himself; so when Yoochun and Junsu decided to leave, he grabbed the opportunity to escape and hide. It was hard at first, but when the misunderstandings grew bigger and their contact was severed, it became unbearable. It was the work that saved him. Filming, composing, songwriting... Fanmeetings and tours... He was okay as long as he was busy so once he was finished with his movie, he immediately started to work on his solo album. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't write songs just for the sake of writing something, that people would like. Everytime he created a new piece, he poured his soul into it. It was a reflection of his own emotions, his dreams and fears, his imagination and fantasy. So this time again, he wrote about what was locked inside him. The fans were his best ally but also the greatest enemy. The so-called yunjae shippers could once bring a smile to his face, making his cheeks turn slightly pink in embarrassment and forcing him to reflect, to try to be less obvious. However now, they were the holders of knives that stabbed through him, making him bleed the blood that could not be seen with the human's eyes. They realized who the songs were about and even if some of them were happy and hopeful, it was just the naivity of the young, the immaturity to face the reality. He knew and he understood, he's been through it all. Some of them however, were extremely angry and upset; hating him for bringing up the subject again, for putting salt into their wounds, but mostly despising him for not letting Yunho go. He looked at the small monitor of his notebook again, the messages they left piercing through him like a cold on a freezing winter night. "How can he be so pathetic? It's been years for Christ's sake. Can't he just let go?""Poor Yunho, he must feel so embarrassed. Writing such a stupid songs, doesn't he think about Yunho at all? This must be so hard for Yunho oppa T.T""He is such a jerk. First he leeves him and now he pretends to be the one hurting more. Well, f*** you, Mr. Kim, we can see through your facade and we won't fall for your fake act.""He should just go and kill himself. It would spare us this bullsh*t.""Yeah, he should really just die if he wants us to forgive him for hurting Yunho so much but I am not sure if I could do it, even after that.""DIE...DIE...DIE....and rott in hell, you selfish SOB!" Jaejoong had no more tears left to cry, no more alcohol to drink, no more anti-depressant pills to swallow. He has reached the end. So slowly he stood up and went to the kitchen; he took the knife, the one that wasn't too big nor sharp, but could still make the job done; and he made two fast deep cuts, one on the left, one on the right... The blood started to flow easily, painting the floor in crimson, making Jaejoong smile like a maniac who has lost his mind. He thought it would hurt more, but he was just numb and dizzy. He slid down, his breathing slow and shallow, the world aroud loosing its colours.  ... Soon.... Very soon he would be gone from this world forever... Jaejoong closed his eyes and whispered "I'm sorry." #*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#to be continued