I Need You Part 2 (1/1)

The next day, Hoya lay himself down in his bedroom, staring at his phone with an anxious feeling. Hoya just texted Myungsoo, saying that he can’t come to hospital because he caught a cold. He’s not lying; he really got a slight fever. But that’s not the main reason why he can’t come like usual. He just doesn’t know ho he can face Myungsoo again…after the kiss. Funny, because it’s not even Hoya’s first, but it is Myungsoo’s first. Also the first time Hoya feels the fire. It’s frustrating. Hoya scratches his head as he wants to scream out loud. He want to scream that he has no feeling for his best friend, that the kiss is accident, that he’s straight, that he likes girls, that Bora-noona is hot, that he’s…whatever. But somehow it feels not right. Hoya got the courage to go to hospital 6 days after that. He still doesn’t know how to face the younger, but he can’t stop his foot from walking toward room 414. Then he saw his figure, sitting in the bed. Just like usual, only now there’s a drip attached to his wrist, a clear liquid that transferred to his body. Later Hoya knows that it’s getting harder for Myungsoo to swallow foods so they put nutrition through the drip for his system. Myungsoo gives a lovely smile as always, Hoya can’t help but smiles back.“You came.”“Yeah…”“I thought cold knocked you dead.” Myungsoo laugh. Hoya just replies with a weak smile. Then Hoya saw him take a brown envelope from the drawer beside his bed, giving it to Hoya.“This is for you.”“What is it?” Hoya holds the envelope.“Thank you gift.”“Myungsoo...this is…”“You look good in those photographs. That’s why I asked Moonsoo to print them out for me.”A photograph of Hoya laughing with a view of lake and pine trees behind him. It’s a candid photo, Hoya wasn’t aware that Myungsoo took his picture. The picture makes him remember what was happened that day, somehow Hoya feels uneasy.“Soo…I…”“Is it about the kiss?” Myungsoo asked calmly. Hoya wants to scream. It is so unfair, Myungsoo always know everything, even when Hoya doesn’t say anything.“What? No…I mean, yeah…But Soo…”“You can forget it if you want. It’s okay.” He smiles like he just saw a funny thing.“Soo…I’m sorry I just, you know it’s just…best friends don’t do that.”“And…”“And I still want to be your best friend.”Hoya bite his tongue, somehow the statement is so ambiguous. He really want to be his best friend, but he can’t help but noticing that things are changing. Unfortunately Hoya is a jerk, and he can’t even read the expression written in the younger face now.“Sure… Sure thing Howon-ah…”“Really?”Myungsoo smiles again. Hoya still wants to make sure that things are okay, but he stops asking anyway.“Yeah…anyway how about your dance practice?”“What dance? Owh, yeah…we’re getting ready for the competition.” Hoya sits awkwardly beside Myungsoo’s bed.“Can I watch the competition?”“You want to secretly escape again?”“No. This time they allowed me.”“Sure. It’s next week.” And the next week Myungsoo really come, alone. Thick clothes, pale face and twinkling smiles. Watching the stage in awe as he admiring the crowd and the contestants dancing on the stage. Hoya swear he’s going to die seeing the sparkling smiles from Myungsoo who sits in the third row of the audience as he step his foot at the stage. His heart jumped like crazy and Bora notices that.“Someone special is watching?”“Yeah…” Hoya muttered, wondering if Myungsoo is really that special.“Then let’s kill it.” They dance their heart out and the crowd goes wild. Sometimes Hoya steal a glance at the guy that smile widely in the third row, clapping like seeing his favorite star. Its feels warm. Hoya feels silly right now. The song’s finished and they’re bowed to the audience as the crowds applaud them.Hoya gulps his water eagerly on the back stage, that’s when the familiar voice appearing on his hearing.“You’re not joking when you said many girl crazy over you.”“What?”“The girls that sit behinds me screaming like crazy saying how hot you are.”“I told you.” Hoya laughs.“They just don’t know that you can be such a jerk sometimes.”“Yah! Shut it up…” Hoya scoffed as he grabs Myungsoo’s wrist carefully. The latter just giggling happily, before accidentally their eyes met. They saw face to face…too close. Hoya can feels his body is heating, but not sure it is from the sweat or from something else. Myungsoo’s face is like a magnetic orbit, and it pulls him in. Hoya was about to lean closer when suddenly the younger man steps back. Hands on his nose. He runs to the washroom. Hoya still look him in daze, has no idea what happens. But he follows the younger man to the washroom, only to saw him leaning on the sink. Bloods from his nose keeps flowing. “Crap! Soo?” Hoya quickly grabs a bundle of tissue and presses it on Myungsoo’s nose. The white sheets turn red.“I’m okay…”“Shut up, Myungsoo! You’re not okay.” Hoya shouts. Even he surprised with his own voice. Somehow he regrets it. Myungsoo just do as he told. Water on the corner of his shimmering eyes. A pause moment last until about 3 minutes. Hoya stares at Myungsoo’s blood on his hand, feeling painful as he’s the one that bleeding. “I’m sorry.” Myungsoo muttered. Hoya feels a pang in his heart. Myungsoo is not the one who supposed to say sorry. He did nothing wrong. On the other hand, Hoya is the one that being a jerk. Hoya is the coward one. The one who’s denying the feeling because he’s too afraid of the things he doesn’t even understand.“No…I’m the one who should say sorry…” Hoya’s voice trembling as he hold Myungsoo close. Letting his head laid in his chest as Hoya sitting in the floor with his back leaning in the wall. Hoya caress Myungsoo’s face, the latter just smiles and it feels so warm. The blood stops flowing. They stay like that for almost ten minutes. Myungsoo is pale as always, but it still likes gravity that pulls Hoya in. No matter how messy the younger now, Hoya still wants to kiss him. He cupped Myungsoo’s face as if it is the most fragile crystal on earth.“I’m sorry, Soo… I’m an asshole.”“You are. But please don’t be sorry.” He chuckled.The he leans in to the weaker man face. Hoya’s tears falling to Myungsoo’s cheeks rolling down like a waterfall. The kiss is more gently. Hoya’s not sure is it because Myungsoo is too weak or because it feels more right. Hoya swears he can smell the blood and it’s sickening, but he doesn’t care. And he keep tasting, because it feels like the right thing to do.“I’ll drive you back to the hospital.”“What about the winner announcement?”“It can wait.” The next thing Hoya remembers is he’s sitting besides Myungsoo’s bed, holding his hands, even on that time Hoya still in his dance costume. The doctors give the medicine and the younger getting drowsy. Hoya watches Myungsoo eyes slowly closes as his breath gets steady and he falls asleep. Hoya stills holding his hands and staring at the beautiful face in front of him, wondering why just now he realized that Myungsoo means a lot for him. Why just now he realizes that he want nothing but staring at the lovely sparkling eyes that now closed? Hoya kisses Myungsoo’s forehead, as the tears coming out from his eyes again. He skips his class this morning. He showed up in the hospital instead. Myungsoo’s mom look surprised at first, but then she gets it. Actually she knows it all along, and he knows how his son loves his best friend. So she greets the young man with loving smile, leave him alone with sleeping Myungsoo in the room. Hoya gasped a little to see there’s a beeping sound beside Myungsoo’s bed. That machine wasn’t here yesterday, there must be a reason why now it’s attached to monitor Myungsoo’s heart beat. Hoya sits beside the bedroom and hold into the skinny hand of Myungsoo. That’s when the younger boy opens his eyes. It looks weary and tired, but Hoya still wants to get lost in those eyes.“Hey…”“You come. So early.”“Yeah…I want to see you.”“You must be skipping your class.”“How do you know?”“Damn, Howon… You shouldn’t do that. You’re attractive but girls nowadays don’t like dumb guy.”“Shut up…” Hoya whispered as he hold Myungsoo’s hand.“Did you win? The dance competition.”“We got 2nd place.”“Not bad. Damn, Bora noona is sure hot. And you looked so damn good. You shine. It’s pretty.”“You’re talking too much, Soo. Go back to sleep.”“Why? I wanna talk to you more. As long as I can.”“Me too. I wanna talk to you all day.” Hoya feels water falls from his eyes, slowly it’s getting hard to breathe. He keeps gripping on Myungsoo’s hand. Doesn’t want to let go. Is it what it feels like? The fear of losing someone. Myungsoo smiles weakly. His weak hands trying to reach Hoya’s teary face. Hoya let him be, feeling that delicate hand caressing his cheeks. Hoya closes his eyes. He loves this gentle touch.“You will be so famous one day, Howon-ah. Damn, I wish I can see you dance more. It’s amazing. I wish I can really be the best man on your wedding. You will look so good in suits.” Myungsoo’s mumbling some sentences more and sometimes it’s hard for Hoya to understand what he actually says. But Hoya knows, the younger is feeling sleepy again. He was about to close his eyes again, Hoya grips on the both hands of Myungsoo tighter. And he watched the figure back to his even breathe, as even as the steady beeps on the machine. Hoya kissed his forehead before leaving. Some weeks later the medic explains to them, that Myungsoo is on the state what they called ‘the last stage.’ Hoya still doesn’t get the meaning actually. But they said Myungsoo will spend a lot of his time sleeping. It will get harder for him to open his eyes more than thirty minutes and Myungsoo will needs a respiratory to help him breathe properly.Hoya starts to ignore his classes since that day. He spends a lot more time in the hospital. Their parents don’t say anything. They know that’s the only thing Hoya can do for Myungsoo. Yeah, Hoya just wants to be there. Holding his hand, greets him with smile everytime he opens his eyes, caressing his forehead everytime he back to his sleep, an maybe…being there when he’s gone. But Hoya hope that time won’t come. He hopes Myungsoo won’t ever leave. He hopes Myungsoo will always be there, smiling and giggling at him no matter how pale he is. He hopes Myungsoo will be just annoying as ever, saying that Hoya shouldn’t play with girl’s heart, saying that karma is exists. Damn, now Hoya knows that it really exists. Maybe it’s his karma, the punishment for being such a player back then.One night when Hoya stayed at the hospital, Myungsoo opens his eyes. He smiles, just as beautiful as ever. Hoya feels like he’s in heaven seeing that.“Hey…how are you feeling?”“Sleepy…”“Just go back to sleep. It’s okay.”“No. I miss you…”“I miss you too.”“Fuck, I wish I can see you more often, Howon-ah. You look so much more attractive day by day.” He laughs.“I’m here every time you want to see me.” Hoya gives reassuring smile.“I know. I’m the one that maybe won’t be here.” Myungsoo laughs again, weakly.Hoya wants to break down. It feels so much hurts. Myungsoo is the one who’s sick, but Hoya feels like he’s going to die. Hoya move closer to him, gently moving Myungsoo so there’s a space where he can lie himself next to him. Myungsoo hold his hands weakly. Slowly Hoya cupped his face as he leans closer to taste the dried lips of the younger man. It feels weird, but it feels right. Hoya likes it and he can stop but keeps going, while Myungsoo can do nothing because he’s too weak to move.“Howonnie…” Myungsoo breathes. It’s been a while since the last time Myungsoo call him that way. He used to call him ‘Howonnie’ when they’re kids.“Soo…”“Please don’t do that… Don’t play with my heart just because I’m dying.” Myungsoo chuckles and it feels bitter in Hoya’s heart. He hates himself for being such a jerk. He hates Myungsoo for being so kind and always kind.“I love you, Soo…” Hoya feels suffocated.  “I really, really love you…I love you.” Then he cried. That’s the first time he speak his feeling clearly. Hoya broke down to a messy sob as he hugs Myungsoo gently. The latter just smiles, feeling warm.“Thank you… Howonnie…It’s okay.” Myungsoo said while gathering all his remaining energy to caressing Hoya’s tears with his trembling hands. And day by day just spent like that. The difference is now it’s getting harder to see the sparkling light from Myungsoo’s eyes, because those eyes are often closed. Hoya doesn’t mind, even though he just can hear the sound of the younger breathe or maybe seeing how his eyelids shifting as if he wants to wake up. Hoya will just hold his hand tightly whispering non sense word and telling unfunny stories like he used to do. In the past, Myungsoo will usually laugh telling how silly he is or maybe he will pout and sulk if Hoya teases him too much. Now Hoya misses that. He wishes Myungsoo can laugh like that once, he wish Myungsoo can return his kiss one more time.One day, Myungsoo’s mom shook his shoulder when he was asleep with his head leaning on the side of Myungsoo’s bed. That woman looks stronger than usual, even though Hoya can still see dried tears in the corner of her tired eyes.“Howon-ah, let’s eat…” She smiles, now Hoya knows where Myungsoo got that shimmering eyes from.A moment later, Hoya and that woman sit in the hospital cafeteria. Two cups of tea and soup in front of them.  She told Hoya to eats, which is he do so…he eats slowly, tasting how weird the soup was in his tongue.“I remember you guys used to like macaroni soup so much when you were kids.” The conversation started, and Hoya trying to remember how fun it was.“Yes, we were.”“I wonder how long it’s been since that day.”“Eleven years…maybe more.”“Yeah, it’s been a long time…You guys has become friends for a long time. I bet Myungsoo gives you a hard time, right? That kid may look quiet, but at the certain time he can be so annoying.”“I know…” Hoya chuckled.“But I think you know him better. Sometimes I think you know him better than me.”“I…”“You stay for him. Even though it’s giving you hard time. You’re not leaving.” Hoya can see the corner of her eyes starts watering. But he just can look down, trying so hard not to cry, until that women place her hands into his, holding it gently.“Thank you, Howon-ah…” Hoya grips into the woman’s hands tighter as the feeling in his chest is tighten. He wants to laugh, he wants to tell Myungsoo. He wants to tell Myungsoo that he is so lucky. That he is so loved. “I love you, Myungsoo…” Hoya said softly as he leans to close the younger forehead. “I love you.”I’m scared. I don’t want you to leave. The other day Myungsoo’s brother gives him a box. Hoya looks at Moonsoo in daze. It’s a box containing Myungsoo’s camera and some photo books.“Hyung, told me to give it to you…” Monsoo smiles as he leaves Hoya that now staring blankly to the content of the box. His eyes in to the photo books. Mostly containing pictures that Myungsoo took. Hoya smiles, admitting how good Myungsoo in these kind of stuff. Myungsoo lost count on how many times he has to accompany the younger in photo hunting. A photo book with a purple cover.  It’s a hand made. There’s a title word in the front cover. Viewtiful. Hoya laughs, a nice name. Turns out it’s a photo book essay. Hoya surprised to find that there some old pictures on it. The picture when Hoya and Myungsoo riding their bicycle, they were in the 2nd grade. Pictures of Hoya making funny face to comfort the crying Myungsoo who can’t go to school. Hoya’s graduation picture. Hoya’s first love letter that he got from the girl in the middle school. Hoya’s laughing face when he just got his driving license. Hoya dances. Hoya smiles on their journey to photo hunting in Suwon. Hoya dances with Bora-noona. Hoya and more Hoya. All the pictures coordinated so well. Hoya doesn’t even realize that the younger took those pictures of him.Hoya burst into tears when he read the sentences in the last page of the essay. Myungsoo’s handwriting.

When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence. You don't make a photograph just with a camera, but with moments you cherished, smiles you have missed, the sounds you have heard… the person that you love.

  Hoya hugs the photo book tightly in his chest, feeling so stupid, cursing how silly and ridiculous Myungsoo is. But the moment latter Hoya smiles, feeling as if the younger embrace him. Hoya laughs between his tears.“This kid…so you’ve been stalking me?” He chuckled. That night, Myungsoo opens his eyes and Hoya feeling like things can’t be better. Myungsoo doesn’t say anything, maybe because he’s too weak or maybe because of the respiratory drip on his mouth. Myungsoo do nothing but smiles and Hoya smiles back, holding the weak hands of the younger man.“Soo, I love you. I really do.”“I love you.”Now Hoya knows the real meaning of those words. It feels so right, no matter how weak Myungsoo’s breathe when Hoya kisses his skinny hands, reminding Hoya how fragile he is, and how little time that he has. Myungsoo smiles as he fighting the urge to drift back to sleep. He closes his eyes slowly even though he want to reply ‘I love you too’ to Hoya. He can’t help but feeling Hoya’s lips on his eyelids once it’s closed. Hoya will miss that smile. That sparkling eyes. That gorgeous laugh. And that person. As in one day in the morning the beeping sound is gone. And the doctor pulls the white sheets covering Myungsoo’s face. Hoya looks strong from the outside. He doesn’t cry, just stares blankly to the lifeless figure. Myungsoo’s mom is crying, so is his dad. Hoya turns around when he feels someone squeezing his hands. It’s Moonsoo. He holds Hoya’s hand, hoping it will be the same as when he holds his older brother’s hand. That’s when Hoya feels like a pang hits his chest. As Moonsoo hug him tightly, hoping for some comfort, even though deep inside Moonsoo knows, Hoya need more. Hoya can help but embracing him tighter as he feels so cold and so empty. Hoya finds himself driving alone leaving Seoul after the funeral, still in his black suits. Sunggyu doesn’t say anything when Hoya takes the car key; just let his little brother drive away. An hour drive sends Hoya back to the path with the pine trees and chirping bird’s sounds. Hoya takes a deep breathe, feeling how refreshing the breeze was. A camera bag hanging on his left shoulder. As he walks Hoya imagining the delicate back wearing the thick coat walking in front of him like the first time he came here. Hoya smiles cursing how silly that thought. Then he came to the lake. Still as quiet and beautiful as ever. Hoya sits in the sands, letting the dirt on his suits. He smiles watching how calm the scenery is. That’s when he finally broke down to tears. Sobbing between the memories of him and Myungsoo, right in this place. Hoya hugs the camera bags tightly. He wants to scream at how he missed Myungsoo, he wants Myungsoo to be here, he loves Myungsoo so fucking bad.But he can only let out simple whisper. “Myungsoo.” Hoya imagining the sounds of Myungsoo’s laugh like the first time they came here. The different is, right now Myungsoo laughs on how silly Hoya is. Maybe Myungsoo will scold him for crying and teases him saying that Hoya is a cry baby. And Hoya laughs imagining that. Then Hoya opens the camera bag, taking Myungsoo’s favorite ‘toy’ and turns it on. Hoya switches it into the recording video mode. Once it’s on, he shoots his own face. Hoya smiles seeing how silly his face is when he takes a video of himself. “Myungsoo, thank you… I need you, but I'll be okay.” Hoya smiles. He turns off the camera. A moment later he put it back to the bag. Walk away from the lake trough the pine trees path. Walking back to the car and drive away back to Seoul. PS: I finished the whole thing in one night. It's kinda suck but I posted it anyway.  Forgive me, I think I'm shipping Myungya too bad. LOL