eight (1/1)

Tears were streaming down Sehun’s cheeks as he gently placed his sight on Luhan’s face. Slightly rubbing the back of Luhan’s hand with his thumb, Sehun blamed himself for leaving Luhan alone most of the nights. Luhan’s HIV had never been a topic between both of them, however Luhan being the one bed-ridden now left Sehun worrying.How long would Luhan last?How much worse would Luhan’s condition go? There were no answers to these questions, only God could decide when to take Luhan away, only God knew Luhan’s fate.If only HIV was like common flu, if only HIV wasn’t an incurable disease. HIV virus itself wouldn’t cause the deterioration in Luhan’s body, but it would destroy the immune system causing Luhan to be more susceptible to various diseases which could kill him. Luhan was awakened but his eyes seemed as though he lost his soul. He knew Sehun was holding his hand, he knew Sehun was weeping, he knew Sehun was worried. At least Sehun was here right beside him when he needed him the most, when nobody else in the world knew the pain Luhan had to go through, at least he still could share this secret with Sehun. Being infected with HIV, Luhan felt very much ashamed because of the general stereotypes and stigmatism people around have towards HIV infected individuals. He didn’t even think of revealing this piece of information of his to anyone around, one of the reasons was that he wasn’t able to imagine how he would even start, and to whom he would tell. Despite knowing quite a number of people around that area, there was no one safe enough for Luhan to trust and to get the boulder off his chest. He had never felt this lonely until his life entirely changed because of a virus. Sehun stroked Luhan’s cheek back and forth with his thumb, comforting both Luhan and himself in a way. Different things went through their minds. Sehun’s brain was clogged up due to Luhan’s gradually worsened condition and the stress from his work; while Luhan was slightly confused. He didn’t know what exactly to think and how exactly he should feel. This unintentional push and pull effect was causing Luhan to be emotionally unstable. For a second he would think that Sehun was going to leave him; then the next second he would think that Sehun was the best person he could ever ask for. “What the hell do I want, really.” Luhan’s thoughts were messed up with and without the presence of Sehun. He hoped that he could stop being a burden to Sehun and stop making Sehun worried about him; but at the same time, without this deadly virus, maybe Sehun wouldn’t spare as much time to accompany him. The drag in their relationship lasted for another few months, from having dinner dates every few nights, to an only lunch outing once a week. Sehun was really tired of his work, the number of workers at the bar was depressing. He would have to serve the customers, clean the tables and be the last to leave the place because he had to clean it. He was literally working more than he needed to as the pay was only for his bar attendee position. Sehun wanted to quit his job as he was stressing himself out and he knew he needed to spend more time with Luhan. He missed spending time with Luhan. He missed seeing Luhan opening his door welcoming him with the happiest face ever, he missed cuddling with Luhan on the couch while watching some random movie on the TV together, he missed watching Luhan sipping on bubble tea every Wednesday. Sehun actually liked bubble tea more than Luhan did, but Luhan always claimed that he loved bubble tea more than Sehun did. Although Luhan was the older one, he tended to act a little more childish than his true self in front of Sehun. He guessed that dating a younger person indeed pulled down his mental age, but that didn’t matter as long as their affection toward each other was mutual. However this mutual affection was no longer present. Both Luhan and Sehun were pretty shy in terms of expressing their feelings. Sehun who really loved Luhan from the bottom of his heart, seldom expressed it directly towards Luhan. He did, at times, by telling Luhan he loved him, by holding Luhan close to exchange warmth. But Sehun’s weakness was keeping things to himself, he never shared his problems and stuffs bugging him with Luhan because he couldn’t afford to increase Luhan’s mental burden anymore. Luhan, in turn, seemed to have lost the passion he had for Sehun. It wasn’t completely lost, it was rather… dampened down. That imbalanced feeling which caused a throbbing pain in Luhan’s head, he was not sure who was the one taking things for granted now. If Sehun was the one taking Luhan’s time and love for granted, as if Luhan degraded from a full-time lover to a part-time boyfriend; or Luhan taking Sehun’s care for granted, as if it was Sehun’s duty to take care of the sick and frail Luhan.  Give and take.A matter no couples would like to discuss about. None of them were subjected to feel that way, everything was done out of love. If Sehun didn’t love Luhan, he wouldn’t spare his care for a sick person that he barely knew how to take care of, he wouldn’t spend a part of his youth with a person who would most likely not make it to his end; if Luhan didn’t love Sehun, Luhan wouldn’t wait for Sehun’s late night call even though he was expecting disappointments, he wouldn’t long for Sehun’s company not just because he needed someone to take care of him, but he would miss Sehun’s hugs and kisses. Sehun was back to work again after Luhan was able to get back on his feet, leaving Luhan to his empty dorm, leaving him feeling unimportant again. It gave Luhan an opportunity to clear up the fog in his mind, to consider which decision would be the best one. What did Luhan want to do, what did he want, and what kind of life did he want for both Sehun and him. When Luhan was taking the trash out one night, a shooting pain hit his chest. Fisting his shirt he slumped on to the floor, he could not breathe. It was a quiet area even the hallways were empty most of the times, and Luhan was sitting leaning on the wall trying to figure out what was happening to his body. Sehun would not be there for him as he was still at the bar cleaning up the place as usual. How hard did Luhan try just to catch a breath. No, he did not pass out, he hoped he could though, the pain of not able to take in sufficient oxygen even though he had his mouth hang open, it felt just like a fish being placed at somewhere without water, suffocating. Luhan shut his eyes tight fighting to get over this situation he first encountered, even though it was his first time, he already knew that the virus was taking a toll on his body. He couldn’t form any thought in his head, he just did not want to die. Not so soon. Not before he could clear things up between Sehun and him. Five minutes felt like a year, Luhan finally relaxed his tensed up chest and breathe. Exhausted. He got onto his feet and wobbled back to his dorm. It felt so horrible, he thought he was going to die in the hallway, just like that. With the blanket covered over his head, his pillow was damped. Luhan was not sure what his next step was going to be like. Burning tears would not stop streaming and he did not even bother to wipe them, as new ones would just roll off his sparkling eyes. He was not able to tell how long did he cry that night, ten minutes? An hour? Or was it two? He fell asleep in tears and woke up with a made-up mind.  He decided to separate from Sehun. He had to. There were just so many reasons for both he and Sehun should… break up.He did not want to burden Sehun anymore.He did not want to waste Sehun’s time.He did not want to let Sehun see his gradually weakening body.He would die soon, anyway. It was a Sunday. Luhan punched Sehun’s number and waited for him to pick up. How much Luhan wanted to just call Sehun off over the phone, how much he would want to end this without seeing Sehun’s face, without having to know Sehun’s reaction. But his heart would not let him, he had to see Sehun, even if it was for the last time. They met up at a coffee shop because it would provide a better atmosphere than a restaurant. How were they supposed to have the appetite if Luhan talked about breaking up? Luhan insisted that he would go there on his own, he did not want Sehun to come over and pick him up. Luhan could still drive despite his deteriorating body condition. Luhan was not sure when to bring up the topic, so he waited until the drinks were served. Sipping on his latte, Sehun smiled at Luhan because throughout the whole busy week this was the day he looked forward to the most. He could finally see his precious. “So how’s your week? Were you bored at home without me?” Sehun started. “I… I was… It was good. Good.” Luhan was bad at telling lies, but he did it anyway. In what way was he even feeling good, when he slept with a wet pillow for that whole week? He waited a good few seconds to start on what he had planned earlier. “S – Sehun… Let’s break up,” Luhan let out the words in a low voice, despite soft, Sehun could still hear the three words clearly. He never expected this to happen, not at all. Words clogged up his throat Sehun could not say a single word. He wanted to ask Luhan, why. Why did Luhan want to break up? Did Sehun do anything wrong? No words came out. His gazed fell from Luhan’s face to his cup of latte on the table in front of him. He hoped he heard it wrongly. “I am such a burden to you. You’re already busy enough, I don’t want you to waste your time on me. It’s just not worth it. It’s better for us to part our ways now, before it’s… before it’s too late. I can be on my own now, I’m feeling much better, and you too, should live a better life without me. I… I’m sorry, Sehun. I don’t think I love you as much as before.” Luhan stood up as he finished his words, not even letting Sehun a chance to speak, Luhan rushed out of the coffee shop. It was a shitty way to tell a person off. Weak. But at least Luhan managed to tell what he felt, except for one thing. He never felt better. He still had breathing difficulties, and severe headaches which made him want to die, but he just could not tell Sehun all these… unnecessary things. He did not want to hear from Sehun, he did not want to change his mind. He did not want to see Sehun’s sad face and make him regret for telling Sehun off. He felt sorry for Sehun yet tears could not stop streaming down his face. Sehun’s head was pounding, fingers clenching tight on his cup of latte, and a heart nearly burnt to ashes, as he sat there after Luhan left. He did not run after Luhan, messy thoughts were running through his mind he was unable to make up his mind. Luhan’s words broke Sehun’s heart. He was inexperienced with love, let alone breakups. The man whom he made love to, the man whom he loved so much, decided to dump him out of a sudden. Sehun ruffled his hair did not know what exactly to think of. Luhan almost left his phone turned off the following week, as Sehun would not stop calling him. To avoid Sehun from coming to his dorm banging on the door and cries out for Luhan’s name, Luhan headed back to Beijing, where he came from. It was a house his parents left for him four years ago after his parents died in a car accident. It was definitely a better hideout for him as nobody knew about his home in Beijing. There he settled, thinking of what would be his next move.  [a/n: so i've made an edit for hunhan ahahha]