Surrender (1/1)

Surrender |səˈrendər|(surrender to) abandon oneself entirely to (a powerful emotion or influence); give in to  “Razors…” Sungyeol looked at Myungsoo. He clenched his fist. ‘Where did you find it?’ those words itched on his tongue. “To cut papers. And stuff you know.” He decided to lie. Myungsoo stood up; his hand reached one of the razors and started to walk painfully slow towards Sungyeol. The latter find himself trembled a little, “Myungsoo ya…” his voice got stuck when Myungsoo stood in front of him, staring into his eyes. His hands found Sungyeol’s and he started to fold his sweater’s sleeve. Sungyeol tried to pull his hands and found Myungsoo was a lot stronger than he was. “Soo…”“Since when?” Myungsoo tried hard not to cry when he saw Sungyeol’s scars. ‘Scratched by Woolimy… bullshit’ he thought of the day Sungyeol said that.“Myungsoo…”“I asked you, since when? Please do answer my question.” Myungsoo gritted his teeth. ‘There are one, two, three, four, five, six… I can’t even count anymore…’ there were a lot of them on Sungyeol’s wrist, a few had been dried, but they left marks, some were half dried. And few looked new.“Soo…” Myungsoo glared at him. “It…It started when…” Sungyeol hesitated.“Say. It. Tell me when.”“On the 11th grade…” Myungsoo got dizzy… It had been 2 years…“Why?”“I don’t know.”“Why?”“I don’t know Soo…”“WHY?!?!?!”   Myungsoo's POV “WHY?!!?!” I really can’t hold it in. He has been hiding this from me. I am his best friend. The only one he has. I am his boyfriend. And he didn’t tell me about this. He has been cutting. He has been risking his life for every cut he had done. All that smiles he showed to me, he had been hiding this. Sungyeol flinched when I yelled. “Why??? Tell me … Why?!”“I really don’t know Soo! I really don’t. I needed the pain. I needed it so badly I pierced my ears. I needed it so fucking badly I hated it when the doctor told me I got skin irritation. I needed the pain so bad I wondered I got a fucking XP for fuck sake and now I got a fucking SKIN irritation. I needed the pain to take all of my disappointments away. I fucking need the pain to ease my illness as weird or as stupid as it sounds to you. That’s why. That’s the reason why. I needed and I still need my pain.” He said. It really breaks my heart to see his tears begin to flow for each word he said.“Why??! You fucking have me! I will be your fucking remedy. I will kiss the pain away each time you got hurt. I will be your shelter when you need to hide from the sun. I will cover your ears so you won’t hear the bad news. I will be your punching bag when you got mad. I will be there when you need to channel your anger. I. Will. Be. There. When. You. Need. Me… I fucking will.” I emphasized my last words. So that he can hear it clearly. I will always be there for him. Always. Forever is my promise to him, and forever I will give.“Yeah?” he smiled faintly. “You will?” tears kept coming from his beautiful eyes.“I fucking will.” I said. “Why did you cut Yeol…” I whispered, I still can’t believe that I was too blind to see his pain. “Why pain is the only thing you seek…” I can feel tears begin to form. “Why do you find relief on razors…”“Because what ever it was you could have done for me… Would mean nothing…” what? What the hell? I can help you. I stared at him and then it hit me when he said, “Because the pain that I got here, is because of you…”    Sungyeol's POV & Inner thoughts “Because the pain that I got here is because of you…” I said. I can tell he’s shocked. And I’m not surprised either. He didn’t even see my scars. The visible scars on my wrist that now he holds on tight. So I don’t expect him to see my reasons as well.“What?” “Do you know how I felt when my parents told me I can’t see sunlight anymore?” I cried for hours… “That was the day I met you…” You called me weird… I am… I just found out I can’t walk around when the sun shines. I am weird. “And I told myself, you were the best thing that ever happened to me that day…” Because you called me weird and still you wanted to be friend with me.“But I realized I was wrong.” I really was.“You are the best thing that ever happened in my entire life…” You are.“Do you know that I feel disgusted by the fact that I was happy when you told me you hated school?” I did… I wanted you to stay at home with me, just like elementary school. You went to school, went home, and sat with me, played with me. I am fucking selfish.“Do you know that I feel mad and jealous when you came the next day and told me you met Woohyun?” I begged my parents to go to the same school as you did.“Do you know that I got sick of myself every time I asked you to describe which girl or boy gave you the letters?” because I want to know my competitors…“Do you know that I repelled myself when I got burnt on the gallery’s rooftop?” we were having a great time and I had to ruined it.“My eyes got bloodshot… It was disgusting. Do you know how I hated myself when I saw you cried and you blamed yourself?” there’s no one to blame really.“Do you know how relieved I was knowing Woohyun is straight?” even though I didn’t know you’re gay.“Do you know how I wanted to die at the second you said you like girls?” I wished the sun to eat me alive.“Do you know how happy I was when you kissed me for the first time?” I had never been feeling so alive.“Do you know how anxious and annoyed I was when you made me promise to be with you forever?” I’ve known it all along I can’t keep that promise. I have XP DNA within me for fucksake.“Do you know how greedy I was when we first had sex?” I wanted you to be mine. And mine only.“Do you know that I was holding my tears of joy when you asked me to try?” I felt so happy I could die.“Do you know how skeptical I was being when you were about to leave to Seoul?” my heart was scattered and ripped.“I couldn’t even send you to the station because of this shit within my body.” I am useless.“Do you know how devastated I was when I realized I could never visit you?” I will be your burden.  “Do you know that all of those feelings, make me feel so stupid? All of those feelings aren’t supposed to be there. I’m not supposed to feel them… All of those feelings remind me how I love you.” Tears flowing from his eyes. “And my love for you reminds me that you won’t have any future with me. I’m dying Soo…” I got chocked up from my own words… But that is the truth… “I’m dying… And knowing that I was, I have, and I still am being a burden for you. Gives me pain…” “Yeol… Stop…” he lowered his head.“No. You wanted to hear why. This is why… I want to be the best for you and knowing that I clearly can’t… they told me I can barely live to my 30s, how am I supposed to give you my best?” I forced a chuckle. “This is why… the pain from the razors, makes me forget that…” I chocked up…     “I can never be your best.” I finished my sentence.      ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------hello guys! :D thanks alot for reading :') hello too for new subscribers i love you guyssss :3 i'm sorry for the word vomit here. (or.... not? i cant really tell is it a long chap or still a short chap. But when i re-read it i thought this one is abit longer than the usual.) i'm sorry if you got tired reading it. i hope i dont bore you. :') anyway so i guess you guys have heard infinite's world tour right right?? gah. i'm dying i want either they come to my hometown or/and syd (to prevent the situation where i have to go back to school which is abroad... so it's best for me to hope they're coming to both of the countries yes? anyway....... have you guys seen this pict? it's from allkpop btw. yeollieee why so thin?! :'''(