Gwiboon (1/1)

Gwiboon found herself in the park after school one day walking to the same swings that she had played on with her brother and their friends everyday after elementary school. As a senior in high school she often found herself reminiscing for the past afraid to move forward into the real world. She sat down on her favorite swing, the one in the very middle that had always made her feel surrounded by friends and people, caught up in the midst of childhood fun. The chains creaked as she began to move back and forth, the cool spring air still not quite warm enough for many families to venture outside and enjoy the park. But that didn’t stop Gwiboon. As the swing moved it lulled her into a trance, allowing her to be present but not really focus on her surroundings. She enjoyed the peacefulness of the moment, the time to be alone with her thoughts. Although she loved her twin brother, Jonghyun was too protective of her and easily became overwhelming. Even though she was technically older, he had always been the more assertive of the two. He had been the first to walk and then, even at such a young age, had taken his twin’s hand in his to help her walk. When they had a mean old cat that would swipe at them as they ran past, Jonghyun would push it out of the way whenever Gwiboon cried out because it had scared her. On their first day of school, even though Gwiboon had been the most excited to go, Jonghyun was the one that had made friends and pulled his twin into the little group. She couldn’t help but smile at the strength that her brother exuded and the love she would never doubt. Not that Gwiboon herself wasn’t assertive, she just had a bit more of growing up to do than Jonghyun did. Regardless of the sassy way she spoke to her parents or the way she bossed around her little brother, she was preoccupied with something much more important than just “growing up.” You see, even though Gwiboon had always thought of herself as a little girl she had actually been born a little boy named Kibum. Her parents had named her after her mother’s father who had died before the twins’ birth due to cancer. Although they lovingly cooed over their sons, little Kibum had always been unresponsive to his name. This had caused some concerns, but the doctors had told them that Kibum was on track developmentally, just needed some more time to become accustomed to his name and its importance. It wasn’t until the twins turned three that their parents truly started noticing the difference between their children. While Jonghyun loved to run around and wreak havoc on their little apartment, Kibum was perfectly content to sit down and play by himself or talk to his imaginary friends. They especially noticed a difference between the two when Kibum asked why Minjung didn’t have a “thingy” one day after their cousin had come over for a playdate and they had taken a bath together after a long day outside. “Mommy?” Kibum had asked as she dried him off with his favorite towel that had a duck hood that he could wear as a robe. “Yes, Bummie?” she asked, smiling down at her toddler. “Why does Minja look different than me and Jongie?” “Oh sweetie, that’s because Minjung-ah is a girl and has different parts than you boys,” she had replied softly, rubbing her son’s head affectionately and hoping that his child’s curiosity would be appeased. “But isn’t Bummie a girl, too?” Kibum had asked, his brows furrowed together with such confusion that his mother couldn’t help but find it adorable even though his question took her by surprise. “No, Kibum-ah,” she said, making sure to look into his eyes so that he would hear every word she was saying. “You and your brother are boys, like Daddy. Minjung-ah is a girl like me.” At this, the little boy’s bottom lip began to quiver and his mother could see the pain in his eyes. “B-but I’m a girl, too” he whispered, looking down at arms that were wrapped up in his towel. “No, honey, you’re not. You see, little boys have penises and little girls don’t-“ But before she could finish, he had ripped the towel off of himself and grabbed himself harshly. “Get it off! Get it off, mommy! I’m a girl, I’m a girl, I promise!” and at that he began crying hysterically, pulling on his genitalia as if he was trying to rip it off. Afraid that he would hurt himself, his mother picked him up and kissed his tear-stained cheeks, rocking back and forth to try and sooth him. “Oh, baby, I’m sorry. Mommy didn’t mean to upset you. Please calm down. Mommy loves you.” As her little boy continued to cry, she pat his back until he nuzzled his little head into her neck, quietly hiccupping away his tears. As they stood there, Kibum’s father entered the bathroom, having heard the commotion from downstairs where Jonghyun and Minjung were playing. They shared a look over Kibum’s head and knew that they had to figure out what was going on with their baby boy. Long story short, the doctors told them that it was possible Kibum was experiencing Gender Identity Disorder so that even though he was born with male genitalia, his brain was that of a female. They later learned that this was also known as transgender and that although Kibum was young, this would undoubtedly be a continued part of his identity. Kibum’s parents were unsure what to think, confused that their little boy was now a little girl. They went home and tried to explain what was happening to Kibum, or Bummie as s/he now preferred to be called, to Jonghyun. While it was a lot for them to handle, it must have been even more for the little boy to try to understand about his twin brother, but Jonghyun had surprised them by laughing. “Of course Bummie is a girl! I knew that, you silly heads,” and with that he had rushed upstairs to play. Gwiboon smiled back at the early memories of her transition, of her recognition of being her true self and not the person that everyone had expected her to be. Although her situation wasn’t easy, especially as she had gotten older, it had helped that she had known who she was from such a young age.  When she started school everyone saw her as a girl and her parents were sure to speak with the school administrators and teachers about her preference to be called Gwiboon, a name she had read in a book and instantly liked because Jonghyun had said it was pretty. The teachers had been hesitant at first, fearing that the other students wouldn’t understand, but her father was a well-known lawyer and assured them that if they refused to let their daughter into their school they would face legal ramifications. Thankfully, Jonghyun had been in all of her classes and had served as an initial buffer between his twin and the other students. He was fiercely protective of his Boonie and would even get jealous if she was playing without him. As they grew, they developed friendships with another boy in their class, Jongin, who Jonghyun took an instant liking to and Gwiboon enjoyed treating like another little brother. Jongin was the one that introduced this very park to Gwiboon and Jonghyun, insisting that they had to go there with her and her older brother one day after school. The twins had begged their mother until she relented and they happily found themselves running from their school down the street to the park to meet up with Jongin and his brother, Taemin, who lived just a few blocks away and usually played there until their mom came to get them after work. While Gwiboon had been aware that she found boys attractive, having circled most of the cute ones in her class picture with hearts and stars, for which Jonghyun teased her immensely, she was unaware of just how much she liked boys and wanted them to like her back until she met Taemin. While the three were in second grade, Jongin’s older brother was in the fourth grade and seemed so much bigger and wiser than them. As they had run up to greet him, Taemin had smiled the biggest smile that made his eyes crinkle as he laughed at Jongin’s obnoxious pounce that made them both tumble to the ground. Jonghyun had laughed too, but Gwiboon found herself frozen in place. The boys had traipsed off but she had reluctantly stayed behind, unsure of what to do or where to go; not wanting to seem like a little kid to Taemin. After grabbing spots on the swings and having him push the younger boys, he noticed that the little girl was still standing on the outside of the playground, looking down at her feet as she scuffed her toes on the pavement. “Gwiboon, come play” he yelled over to her, forcing her head to shoot up and a blush to stain her cheeks as she noticed that that were all looking at her. As she walked over, Taemin came out from behind pushing his brother’s swing to grab her backpack and guide her over to the only free swing, the one in the very middle of the set, and smiled at her as she sat down. “Do you want me to push you, Gwiboon-ah?” he asked softly, his head bowed towards her so that she could hear him. Gwiboon sucked in a breath as he said her name and butterflies danced around in her stomach. Unable to respond verbally, she nodded her head and blushed again, shyly looking away from the older boy while surreptitiously sneaking glances as he moved behind her to begin pushing her swing lightly. She glanced to her left to see her twin looking at her with a dopey smile on his face, happy that she had joined him. The younger kids continued to swing away with Taemin alternating giving underdogs until their parents came to pick them up. From that day on the four always found themselves at the park after school, growing up on the jungle gym and swinging like there was no tomorrow. “Gwiboon-ah,” Jongin called now, shaking her out of her trance. She slowly stopped swinging and glanced over to see her friend walking over. “Oh, Jongin-ah, what’re you doing here?” “Just walking home, noona. What’re you doing out here? It’s still chilly!” at this, he shrugged off his jacket and put it around her shoulders. She roller her eyes at the action but allowed it because she had forgotten her jacket in her locker. “Ah man, I love this place!” Jongin continued, looking around as he sat down and began swaying side to side. “So many great memories, huh, noona?” Gwiboon heard the smirk in his voice but chose not to acknowledge it. She had another recent reason to love this park and it had nothing to do with being a child. “Did you know that Taemin-hyung is coming home this weekend?” he asked, still pressing for Gwiboon’s attention. She huffed as she caved and finally looked at her friend. “Of course, I know that, dipshit.” Jongin only cackled at her cursing, all to familiar with this particular nick-name. “I don’t know, noona, it still freaks me out that you two are together. Like, it’s kinda gross when you think about it…” Gwiboon’s stomach clenched at the words and their meaning sunk in. Jongin was still talking but her ears were now ringing and she struggled to breath as her deepest fears came to the surface. Although she had been friends with Jongin since kindergarten, she should have known that the thought of her dating his brother would gross him out. Honestly, it hurt to think that even her oldest friend couldn’t accept her as she was and think of her only as Gwiboon and not as someone pretending to be Gwiboon. Honestly, she wasn’t even sure how Taemin could stomach the thought of kissing her. She had been so surprised when he first kissed her all those weeks ago that she hadn’t even had time to process what getting closer to him might mean. Sure, getting closer emotionally but more importantly, physically. Taemin was in college and she had been warned countless times about male hormones and just what types of things older boys expected. Even though he was a friend, she was still worried about how they would get to that next level. And now with Jongin voicing his concerns, she was even more worried. How had she forgotten the most important part of herself? The part that she was constantly reminded of whenever she used the bathroom or had an accidental rush of excitement. The part that made her feel ashamed of her body regardless of the support and love she received from her family and friends- well, she thought from her friends but apparently she had been mistaken. Tears began forming and she had stopped swinging. Jongin was still blathering on, no doubt continuing to voice his disgust at just what it meant that she was dating his brother. All of a sudden the emotions hit her and she couldn’t’ stand being there a moment longer. The sharp contrast between her inner turmoil and the lovely memories she had of this place stabbed needles into her heart and she got up quickly, almost falling over in the process. “Noona?” Jongin asked, thrown off by her sudden movements. She refused to look at him as she threw his jacket on the ground and grabbed her bag. “Noona, what’s wrong?” Gwiboon forced back a sob to hear him call her noona, especially since she now knew what he thought of her. She knew she couldn’t talk so rather than replying, she turned on her heels and ran.