Chapter 4 (1/1)

The months that follow are mostly filled with nothingness. I’m just floating through the days while trying to make it through the week, every week. Seulgi hasn’t tried to contact me ever since our last run-in. By now she must have probably moved on and I wish I could say the same for myself. I still find myself often wondering about her. Seungwan and I have grown a lot closer, but even though we share an apartment, we don’t see each other as often as one would think. Her studies keep her pretty busy and I’ve been drowning myself in work. She makes sure to check up on me often though, and always leaves me notes with sweet messages or reminders to eat.  I had offered her money for my share of the rent, but she refused to take it, stating she was here on a full scholarship ride anyways and that rent is already being taken care of. I couldn’t argue with that, but still wanting to contribute I offered to help out with groceries and household necessities instead. As for my colleague and I, we have been getting closer as well. Sooyoung can be a pain in the ass sometimes. She has a knack for provoking people and always talks my ear off during our breaks, but she’s honestly not that bad once you get used to her. I thought her to be ditzy at first but I’ve quickly come to realize I shouldn’t have made that judgment, because it turns out Sooyoung is very well-spoken and ambitious. She's quite intriguing to say the least, often sharing her life philosophies with me as well as her aspirations to become an actress.  It’s on one of my days off that she texts me with directions to her address and invites me to come over for a few drinks. I figure why not; it’s not like I have anything better to do on a Sunday night anyways. Before I leave, I make sure to leave a note for Seungwan to let her know about my whereabouts. --The bus ride to Sooyoung's house thankfully passes by quicker than expected. Having never been really good at finding directions, I decide to just walk straight down the street from the bus stop. Lo and behold, I end up finding the address on my own and a sense of pride fills me as I ring the doorbell. That feeling, however, doesn’t last very long when an unfamiliar girl with chipmunk-like cheeks and bright orange hair opens the door. I hastily pull out my phone out of my coat to look at the address Sooyoung texted me. This should be the place, unless Sooyoung texted me the wrong address as a prank. I never really know with this girl. “Can I help you?” the girl asks me. “Oh- I’m looking for Sooyoung. Eh, Park Sooyoung,” I say. She smiles upon hearing the name and opens the door wider. “Oh right! She mentioned you would be joining us. I’m Park Chaeyoung, but you can call me Rosé,” she introduces herself. Oddly enough, Sooyoung has never mentioned having a sister. “I’m Joohyun,” I say, while shaking her hand. “Okay unnie, nice to meet you” she says. She takes my coat and hangs it up for me as I take off my shoes. I follow her to the living room and she tells me to make myself comfortable as she situates herself on one of the couches. Feeling a little bit awkward I decide to sit down on the other couch. The silence in the room is almost deafening and I can sense Rosé’s burning eyes on me, but I pretend not to notice. Sooyoung finally shows up to the living room a couple minutes later with a couple of bottles in her arms, greeting me enthusiastically. I greet her back in return while I watch her sit down next to Rosé on the couch across of me after putting the bottles down in front of us. “I see you’ve already met my girlfriend,” she says nonchalantly. Wait. My gaze shifts down to their interlocked hands and it suddenly clicks why they don’t look alike at all and why Sooyoung has never mentioned having any siblings. Rosé is her girlfriend. Come to think of it, Sooyoung has mentioned once before that she’s been seeing someone. I just didn’t realize that someone could be a girl and that said girl would be joining us tonight. I don’t know why this revelation makes me uneasy and I try to push the feeling away. “How long have you two been dating?” I try to muster a smile, even though I’m not actually that interested in finding out. "Roughly 3 months," Sooyoung answers, while looking at Rosé like a lovesick puppy. “And so far it’s been the best 3 months of my life.” Rosé lets out a giggle in response to Sooyoung’s revelation. Suddenly feeling like I’m intruding on their moment, I turn away my gaze and reach down to the coffee table to take a few swigs from my bottle. The taste of alcohol has never appealed to me and anyone who advertises alcohol as anything but disgusting, is a liar. Yet, right now it’s the only thing that makes me slightly less miserable, so I just keep drinking until I lose track of how much I’ve had. Had I known that I was going to be thirdwheeling tonight, I probably would have reconsidered my decision to come. “What about you, Joohyun unnie? Are you dating anyone?” Sooyoung asks. The question catches me off guard and I nearly choke on my drink. They’re both looking at me, awaiting my response, and I try to act casual after coughing a few times. “I was, but it didn’t work out.” “That’s his loss.” I think it’s the alcohol in my system that makes me bold, because I immediately blurt out that it’s a ‘her’ and not a ‘him’. Sooyoung quirks her eyebrow, but Rosé doesn’t look that surprised. It irks me that she doesn’t. Did she suspect it when she was eying me up and down earlier? “I can’t believe you’re gay,” Sooyoung says. The look in her eyes is almost like one of a child that just got a new toy. I don't know what exactly has changed, but I don't argue against her calling me gay. Maybe I'm just too tired to get into it. “Why did it not work out between the two of you?” Rosé asks me. “My mother does not approve. She's made it very evident on multiple occasions.” I spare them the details about mother kicking me out and the altercation that occurred last time I saw her. Even though it’s been months, the wounds are still too fresh for me to re-open. "No offense, but your mom is a bitch," Sooyoung exclaims, earning a slap on the shoulder from her girlfriend. "Sooyoung! You can’t just say that," Rosé scolds her and it makes me smile a little because Sooyoung’s not entirely wrong. But she’s still my mom. Our last meeting left a bitter taste in my mouth and I haven’t been able to find it in me to reach out to my mom again, at least not any time soon. I take another swig from my bottle and the burning sensation of the alcohol traveling down my throat makes me feel warm inside. “This is a safe place, unnie. You don’t have to be afraid we will judge you or anything, so you can just speak your mind and say anything,” Rosé says with a sweet smile and I give her an appreciative nod in return.  We continue talking and drinking for a while, me doing the most of the drinking anyways. Though the topic switches to more lighthearted ones, the discomfort in my chest doesn’t leave me. Sooyoung and Rosé. I’m trying not to stare, but they’re being so obvious that I can’t help but look. The both of them are kind and I like them, but in this moment all I can think about is how much I despise them. The sight of them holding hands and whispering love confessions in each others ears makes me sick to my stomach. I try to shake off the thought and raise my bottle to my lips, only to realize that I've already finished it. When I turn to Sooyoung to ask her for more, I notice she's too busy eating Rosé's face. Nausea overcomes me once more and I quickly stand up. The room around me is spinning and I mumble something about my small bladder before I hurriedly rush to the bathroom. Once I make sure the door is locked, I bent over the toilet and start throwing up. My eyes are stinging and my nose is running and I kind of feel like dying every time another wave of vomit engulfs my body. I’m never drinking again. I silently thank God when it eventually stops and flush the toilet. After a while the nausea starts to fade away and the room stops spinning. I pull my head out of my hands and reach into my back pocket to fish out my phone. My thumb automatically hovers above her name when I open my contacts. Maybe it’s my drunken state that’s got me missing her more or maybe I really just crave hearing her voice that badly. Ultimately deciding against it, I opt to call Seungwan instead. It rings for a while before she finally picks up. “Unnie?” Seungwan sounds sleepy, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to me because it’s already past midnight. I greet her weakly and ask her to come pick me up. In all honesty, I really can’t find it in me to feel guilty for waking her up and asking her to come pick me up. Right now, I just want to be away from here. I splash some water into my face before going back downstairs to join the other two. It ultimately takes Seungwan 30 excruciating minutes to arrive, which is way too long in my opinion, but I am in no position to make complaints. After bidding Sooyoung and Rosé farewell and promising to text them when I get home safely, I get in the passenger’s side of Seungwan’s car. --The music coming out of the radio gives me a headache so I swiftly lower the volume as we drive home. Well, her home, since I don’t really have a home anymore. Seungwan tries not to be obvious about it, but I can see her taking peeks at me from the corner of her eye. I can’t tell if she’s worried about me or if she’s judging me for the messy state I’m currently in. "I'm not a homophobe Seungwan," I say, while I lean my head against the car window as I study the trees aside of the road. She looks at me like I’m crazy and then shakes her head. "You're still drunk," she states. "Yes, but I am not a homophobe." I don’t know why, but I badly need her to know this. "I never said you were." "I’ve been in a relationship with a girl, so I can't even be homophobic." I am not my mother. "Well, that's not true. That's like saying people of color can't be racist," Seungwan argues. For a good minute, I think about what she said and it makes sense. We continue driving in silence for a bit, but I can’t get the subject out of my mind. "So you think I am?" I ask her after a while. "What?" her eyebrows crunch together in confusion. "Homophobic!" I sigh, "Wendy please focus." She lets out a groan and I’m not sure why she’s getting irritated with me, since she’s the one not paying attention to our conversation. "Why would anyone think you're homophobic?" "Because I threw up after I saw Sooyoung and Rosé kiss," I mumble. Apparently it’s really funny, because it makes the blonde girl laugh out loud. "Are you sure you didn't throw up because you had too much to drink?" she asks me and I can only shrug in response, not really seeing the humor in this entire situation. "But they still pissed me off." A huff escapes me and her expression softens then. "Are you mad because you and Seulgi can't have that?" My eyes close as a reflex upon hearing her name. She's been clouding my thoughts every day, but having Seungwan say her name out loud makes it clearer that Seulgi wasn't just a figment of my imagination and that every moment we shared was real. It stings and I try not to picture her face. I especially try not to picture the way her eyes disappear into crescents when she smiles. It fucking hurts and I want so desperately to forget. "It's not wrong to want that for yourself, unnie. You deserve to be happy too." It's clear to me that Seungwan cares a lot about me. This isn't necesssarily unexpected, since it's in her nature to care for others, but I'm still touched. Even if my entire situation made me lose so much, my newfound friendship with Seungwan holds a lot of value to me. I initially tried not to get too close to her, because she was a constant reminder of my past with Seulgi, but I’ve quickly come to realize that for the past few months our friendship has become a lifeline to me. "You’re a good person, Seungwan. I’m glad you’re my friend," I say. "Really?" she seems quite surprised to hear my sudden confession. Perhaps it's because she doesn't make friends easily, I guess we're alike in that way, or maybe it’s because she has a low self-esteem and doesn’t think highly of herself. Seungwan is a light to those around her, but after having lived with her for a while I’ve noticed she can have a weak heart at times. I make a mental note to keep a close eye on her and give her a small nod. “Yes, really.”