Chapter 3 (1/1)

It’s two weeks later when I finally decide to stop by my old home. Of course, because God likes testing me, I run into the one person I have been trying to avoid at all costs on my way there. I know I look terrible, dark circles painted under my eyes and skin even paler than before, so I quickly duck my head and try to walk past her, hoping she doesn’t notice me. Seulgi holds me by arm and it takes me by surprise, making me flinch. She hurriedly lets go of my arm, as if her touch had burnt me. Rather than shooting me her signature smile, she looks at me with worry in her eyes. "Hyun-ah, did you eat?" she asks me. It’s an odd question to ask out of the blue, but it’s obvious to me what she’s trying to do. "You don't have to worry about me. I can take care of myself," I say. Of course, she completely ignores what I just said. "Let's go eat something. We can get lunch at that place around the corner that just opened recently." It takes everything in me to not give in. I shake my head, breaking eye contact. "It's just lunch Joohyun. Eating each other out may be a sin, but surely eating lunch isn't?" It’s supposed to be a joke, but I can tell she’s getting upset with me and I don’t fault her for it. "I already have plans," I mumble. She doesn’t hide her disappointment well. It’s written all over her face. "Are you mad at me? Is that why you've been avoiding me like the plague?" She looks hurt when she asks me. "Because I'm the reason your mom kicked you out?" Seulgi is smart. People often underestimate her intelligence, because she takes more time to grasp certain things. However, she excels in pretty much everything she does. She can sing, she can dance, she's charismatic, funny and kind. I’ve always admired her determination and passion. It’s those two things that I find lacking in myself, that made me like her even more.Nobody is perfect, of course, but my Seulgi comes pretty close. Yet somehow, I managed to make the most competent girl in the world feel worthless. It seems like I can’t do anything right these days. “I’m not mad at you. You’ve done nothing wrong,” I make sure my voice doesn’t tremble as I speak, wanting her to grasp every word I’m saying clearly. “But I meant it when I said I don’t want to see you anymore.” Falling in love with Seulgi was inevitable. Loving her was never hard, it came as easy to me as breathing. Knowing that we wouldn’t last was the hard part. I’ve always known our days were numbered, that we would never get our happy ending and that someone was always bound to get hurt. I've ran a thousand scenarios through my head but the outcome was always the same.  Still, I was greedy for love, the kind of love that only Seulgi could give me. And me being the selfish person that I am, not only did I take it with both hands, but I engulfed myself in it. Drowned myself in it and returned it wholeheartedly even though I knew that further down the road I would end up not just breaking my own heart but hers as well. I am not able to say it out loud, but I will always be grateful to Seulgi for the infinite amount of happiness she gave me in our finite days. Though I never wanted things between us to end on a bad note, I’d rather have her hate me if that enables her to move on rather than chase after me. They say hope breeds eternal misery after all. It seems I’ve made my message clear, because this time she doesn’t stop me when I walk away.  --- My key still unlocks the front door, which surprises me a bit because I really wouldn’t have put it past my mother to have the lock changed. It’s strange how drastically my life has changed within a short period of time, yet everything here still remained the same. I’ve missed being here, it’s the house I grew up in after all. I plop down on the couch in the living room as I eye my surroundings. Everything looked the same, but the familiarity and sense of security I used to feel here were gone. The memories feel tainted now. “Are you looking for this?” a voice startles me and I let out a shriek in surprise. “Yah! Don’t scare me like that!” My younger sister lets out a hearty laugh as she shows me the photo camera she’s holding. It’s the one Seulgi gifted me for my birthday, because I ‘like taking pictures of the sky so much’. The same camera my mother found when everything went down. Yeri’s wearing a frown as she approaches me. “I think it’s broken,” she pouts as she hands it to me. I take out the memory card, carefully storing it in my pocket. The camera may be broken, but the pictures should still be on here. "Yerim-ah, come sit with me for a moment," I say as I pat the space next to me. Yeri sits down and immediately starts telling me about her goofy friends and the book she's been reading for class, something about a girl being granted a wish. "And if you could have one wish come true, what would it be?" I entertain her. "I wish I could get a gaming computer!!" She doesn’t hesitate for a moment when she yells it out. Wow screw world peace huh, Kim Yerim wants a computer. The way her face lights up makes me chuckle. I love my kid sister, I really do. I love her innocence and I wish I could shield her from all the harm and evil in the world. One can only hope she will never have to experience the same heartbreak as I am enduring. She seems deep in thought, probably fantasizing about her computer. It's quite endearing how she's taking this seriously, like I could actually grant her wish. Maybe if I work hard enough, I can get one for her birthday. "Oh, unnie actually... I want to change my wish." The expression on her face has changed. She seems sad and I nod, encouraging her to continue. "I wish you'd come home." Oh. For a while I am at a loss for words. All this time I've been feeling sorry for myself, but now it hits me that it must have been hard for her as well. I wrap my arm around her and hold her close. Even though I’m with her in this moment, I start to miss her even more. "I will never abandon you and even though unnie doesn't say it often... you know right?” I pull her even closer to me. “That I love you." She smiles. "Yes, unnie is the best!" she beams and hugs me tight. Perhaps my mother is right in thinking I’m a failure for a daughter, but at least I did my job as a sister right. Yeri then tells me she found out about Seulgi and I from my mother. Thankfully, my little sister isn’t bigoted like her. Instead, she’s quite accepting and tells me she has always liked Seulgi. I know Seulgi is quite fond of her as well, because she would always play games with her whenever she came over. “Unnie, you’re smart but sometimes you’re not really smart,” Yeri says pointedly when I tell her I broke up with Seulgi. I can only smile sadly, because I don’t expect her to understand. The front door abruptly opens and everything happens too fast for me to react. She wasn’t supposed to come home yet. A hand grabs me by my arm and forcefully pulls me of the couch. Yeri shrieks and I try to remain calm as I urge her to go upstairs. She’s hesitant at first, but leaves after I shoot her a reassuring look. My mother’s grip on my arm tightens once Yeri’s out of sight. “You have a lot of nerve showing up in my home,” she hisses at me. My home, not ours. "I just wanted to see Yerim,” I try to explain. "Absolutely not. I will not have you influence her mind with your sick thoughts. You stay away from my daughter!" but I'm your daughter too “You dare bite in the hand that fed you? You sicken me,” her words are sharp, with the clear intent to hurt me. I don’t want to let them get to me, but they do. “I knew that Seulgi girl was no good for you.” “Keep her name out of your mouth!” I shouted as I yank my arm away from her a little bit too violently. She looks at me in shock as she stumbles backwards and it makes me regret shouting at her instantly. Calm down. You need to fix things, not make them worse. "Ever since your father left us, I have been working myself to death and you thank me by bringing such sinful acts into my home. Have I not been a good mother to you? Is that why you’re acting out?” Her eyes welled up. It’s true that my mother and I haven’t been close for most of my life. I never shared my burdens with her nor my happy moments. Most of the time, I find her to be unreasonable as she would get mad at me for the smallest of things. I envied those who share a close relationship with their mother.But my mother was still there for me. Through hospital visits, through birthdays, graduations, she was there. And she worked extremely hard to make sure I had a roof above my head. I never did any of this out of spite. You’ve been a good mother to me. She looks exhausted, like she’s aged another 5 years since I’ve last seen her. And it hurts me to know that it’s all because of me, because of all the grief I’ve caused her.“Mother, I’m-” I get choked up, unable to finish my sentence. I’m sorry I hurt you. I promise I’ll be good. Please forgive me. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. All the words I wanted to say remain unsaid. “Ungrateful is what you are. Don’t bother showing up here again before you atone for your sins.” It always gets worse before it gets better.