Infinity (1/1)

I'm laying on my stomach, half asleep with the side of my face stuffed into my pillow when I hear shuffling next to me. I let out a small groan and I can feel Dahyun freeze in the middle of her clambering onto the bed.We were in the living room, scrolling through our phones when she got the sudden craving for some beer and soju. I decided not to join her, though, since I was already feeling ready to go to bed. I sometimes feel guilty for leaving Dahyun to drink by herself, but she always convinces me that she doesn't mind at all. Then, she tries to crawl into bed in the middle of the night without waking me. She always fails, though."Just come here, loser." I lift my arm to open the blanket for her with my eyes still closed. "Come on before I change my very tired mind."She doesn't waste any time, quickly shifting underneath the blanket with me. She curls herself around me, face resting by my neck and hands stroking up and down my back to slowly soothe me back into the sleep she took me from.I wonder how this sight might look like to an untrained eye. Like a person coming home to their significant other from a night out, wanting to be touched and held and cared for just because they missed them. And, admittedly, I do. I touch, I hold, I care, all because she missed me. Because I missed her too. Someone could easily mistake us as lovers. How ridiculous is that?My hand comes up to the back of her neck to hold her closer. I feel the coldness of the chain she is wearing and it reminds me of my own."I have something for you."I look up from my phone to see Dahyun standing in front of me. She's nervous, I can tell, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Still, she's biting back a smile, so I raise a brow at her.She plops herself next to me on the already small loveseat, as she always does, but her presence next to me always hinders discomfort. Normally, I would try to make myself smaller to make room for the other person. I wouldn't feel comfortable at all with the thought that I'm taking up all the space. But Dahyun doesn't make me feel like that at all, not in the slightest bit. I guess it's easy to take up space with someone when they're someone you like having close.She hands me a large, bundled up paper ball. It looks like it's made of the paper they put in shoe boxes and it makes me chuckle. "Is this what all that ruffling noise was yesterday?"She rolls her eyes, but still has enough sense to look a bit sheepish. Then she starts talking nervously as I begin pulling the wrapping apart. "You know those fun arcade machines they have at the convenience store? With the little figures?"I glance up at her and nod."Well... they have one with colorful rings too and it's stupid because they're obviously for kids, but I thought it would be cool if I got them for us. To match." She rubs at the back of her neck. "You might've heard the bag of rings I had yesterday. I ended up just putting them back next to the machine afterwards. God, it took me so long to get the colors I wanted."I pause my movements as I listen to her and she looks at me expectantly. I squint at her. "Is that where my necklace went?"Dahyun's eyes widen and then she grins at me. "Maybe."She laughs as I smack her across the arm. "Hey! You told me you didn't know where it was! You know I love that necklace!" By the end of my sentence, I'm laughing a little with her too."Well, I put the charm at the bottom of your jewelry box," she confesses as she calms down from her laughter, still smiling. "I told you that you didn't look hard enough, so I didn't really lie.""Stupid," I say as I shake my head, unable to hold in a laugh."Would you just open it already?"I peel back the rest of the paper, and on my gold chain hangs a bright pink ring. I already know that I love it, that I will be wearing it every day for as long as I can. But I still have to tease her. "Did you make it with this chain because you thought I might wear it more?"She looks down, obviously not expecting that reaction. "I don't know. Did it work?" She shifts in her seat, fingers tapping rapidly on her thigh.I smile and take one of her hands to stop the fidgeting. Her shoulders relax when she looks back at me, seeing the smile on my face. "I'd wear it regardless, Dahyuni. It's from you."She bites on her bottom lip before she speaks. "Can I tell you something?""You know the answer.""Well... It's stupid, I know, but you know how an infinity sign looks like an eight?"I hum in confirmation."I always think of it as two circles connecting. So when I was younger, I used to steal my mom's rings and decide which one would be perfect for whoever I ended up with, you know?" She laughs a little, looking down at her lap where our hands are connected. "I don't know. We're not together or dating or anything like that, but sometimes I really think you're that person and I can't see anyone else being my other circle. God, sorry, I sound ridiculous—"I lean over into her space, restraining myself from looking at her lips because I really don't want to ruin this moment. I pause for a second, holding eye contact with her, noticing her breath lose its rhythm in the same way mine does. Then, I lean closer and leave a kiss on her right cheek, trying to convey as much as what I'm feeling as possible without words. Words are too much. They always are.I pull back and say the only thing I can without spilling out everything she is never meant to know. "Thank you. I love it so much."She smiles at me with shy eyes. "Thank you."The two of us sit in silence for a while, laughing quietly each time we make eye contact. At one point, she interlaces our fingers. I don't know for how long we stay like that, looking at each other like we haven't seen each other for months. Eventually, she tries to get up, but I squeeze her hand and pull her back."Seriously, Dahyuni." I bring her hand up to my lips and kiss it. "Thank you."I don't stop her when she gets up this time, or when she takes my face in both of her hands. "Gorgeous," she says under her breath.When she strokes her thumbs across both of my cheeks and steps just a bit closer, my hands find their way to her wrists. I don't know what I'm asking for when I look deeply into her eyes, if it's to stop or to never let go, but it seems that she and the look in my eyes decide for me.Her hands drop away and she laughs awkwardly. "Anyway, I just wanted to stop by to give it to you. I'm gonna meet up with some friends, so just text me what you want for dinner and I can pick it up on the way back."She's out the door before I can think of anything to say back to her. I know that when I text her, when she gets back home later, things will go back to normal. They always do. I lay sideways on the loveseat, biting my lip as I play with the necklace. As scary as it is, she might be my person too.The memory feels like years have passed, even though it's only been a few weeks. So much has changed between the two of us in such a short time, but not in ways that are life changing. Dahyun still doesn't love me in the way that I love her. And I'm still in denial that I even love her that way in the first place."Stop thinking. Go to sleep," she says, pulling me out of my thoughts."Stop getting in my head. You go to sleep."I feel her smile through the thin material of my shirt. "Don't make it so easy for me, then."She pokes my side and I squirm. Both of us keep our eyes closed, waiting for sleep. There's a long silence for a while, and I believe that she fell asleep until she speaks again."Hey, I wanna ask you something.""Hm?""Can we have a talk tomorrow?" Her voice is suddenly serious, almost too serious.I try not to tense too much, hoping she doesn't notice the way my breathing changes."Nothing bad, promise. I just wanna talk to you about it when we're both sober and awake."I can only kiss her forehead as my "yes". I'm sure my voice would crack or come out too quiet if I spoke.When I open my eyes slowly the next morning, I notice two things. One, my eyes burn from my lack of sleep, having stayed up too late, stuck in my head. Two, Dahyun is gone.I hear movement from the hall, so I assume that she is in the living room or the office (which used to be my bedroom, but the two of us slept so often together that I just moved into hers). But that means that she was awake before me and left without waking me. She moved without waking me. Honestly, I'm shocked that she managed that.I sit up slowly and it's ironic the way it feels like I'm the one with the hangover. I'm not sure when I passed out, but I do know that it took way too long. I start stretching as she walks in with a plate of fruit and two unwrapped granola bars. I momentarily forget about what made me stay up for so late as she smiles at me."Goodmorning," she says.Then, she swiftly creates a mini table with two small stacks of her books, making them as even as possible before carefully sitting down and setting the plate on top.She waits until we have eaten through most of the fruits to talk. "So, what I wanted to talk about.""Yeah, go ahead."I take a bite of the granola bar, mouth suddenly feeling very dry despite the fruits. I continue to focus on the food as we eat. Eventually, when I'm still met with silence, I look at her and gesture for her to continue.She sighs, reaching for the lower half of my thigh to stroke. "I can't keep doing this."Oh no. I knew this was coming. This is the thing I stayed up all last night thinking about, what she might say, the best way to react, what will happen after. Even though I thought about what I should say too, I can't say anything right now.I promised myself not to beg, to let it go when she asks me to because it's what she deserves. If she doesn't want this, I can't make her want it. I can't and won't. What kind of person would I be? To ask her to sleep next to me, to cook with me, to hold me until I fall asleep. All that without setting any labels? Without any confirmation that any of it is even real? I guess I might already be that person, but I don't have to continue it."Are you not gonna say something?" she asks me, her gaze switching between my eyes.I try to swallow, but the moisture in my mouth is still gone. So I nod instead. I thought about this. That's totally the reaction she wants from me, right?"Seriously?" She scoffs, moving her hand away from me and getting up to pace. My body screams at the loss of contact. "I tell you that I can't keep doing... whatever this is, and you can't even say anything to me?"She looks at me in disbelief, waiting for me to talk. My throat feels like it's closing up and I try to recall ever being allergic to grapes, because my throat feels scratchy and itchy and I'm not sure if I'm breathing correctly.Dahyun notices my signs of panic before I do, and instead of continuing to pace the room angrily, she shoves the books and food out of the way to turn my body towards hers. My legs hang over the bed and my mouth works faster than my mind as I start mumbling "please" over and over again. All I can do is focus on her as she kneels in between my legs, caressing my side with one hand while letting the other do the same with my face. I don't notice that I'm crying until she catches some of my tears, and even then it's an afterthought."Please don't leave," I croak, fisting the sheets on either side of me to stop myself from touching her. "I'm sorry, I know I've been terrible, but I'm not good with words, Dahyuni, you know that. I can't—I don't want to lose—""Unnie," she says, making me look at her through blurry vision. "Please, let me kiss you. Please, honey."I nod as soon as she asks, not caring if I'm crying. Really, I'm hiccupping by the time she does it, and I hope that the universe isn't playing some sick trick where she does it just to shut me up. My anxiety can't even convince me of that, though, because she kisses me so passionately, so tender, there's no way it's a joke. When my breathing matches hers eventually, she pulls back. She rests her forehead against mine."I was never leaving, stupid. I can't, ever. You're my person, remember?" She closes her eyes for a minute, breathing deeply. "It's... I just—""I love you," I blurt out and I can tell that she is just as surprised as me, even with the growing grin on her face. I take a deep breath, trying to keep going with the sudden courage I found. "I know I'm no good at showing it, but I do. You're mine too, my person.""Yeah?" she asks with a quiet voice. Her smile gives me a small one of my own."Yeah," I quickly answer. Her hand is still holding my face, so I turn my head to kiss it.She laughs as she looks at the bed. "Ah, I messed up the sheets."I turn to see the fruit seeping into the sheets, laughing with her. "I think that was because of me."Then, I lean forward and kiss her again, gently, slowly, before I pull back and motion at the spilled fruits. "Wanna celebrate by doing a domestic chore like laundry?"I gently place my hands on top of hers, removing them from my cheeks. Then, I get up and move towards our pile of laundry that has been sitting there for the past three days. But before I get too far, she pulls me back to her by my wrist and kisses me one more time, making my legs feel wobbly by the time she lets me breathe again."Sure," she grins, "let's do some laundry."I smack her arm, but I'm more than sure that she can see my flushed cheeks. "Stop kissing me and go get some paper towels for the fruit, loser.""Sorry, I stopped listening after you told me to stop kissing you, because that's happening." Despite her words, she's backing out of the bedroom slowly."Go!" I laugh, tempted to throw a granola bar at her, but she rushes out of the room with her arms raised in the air.As I start pulling the sheets off of the bed, I think about words like infinity and forever and how less scary they seem in the context of Dahyun.