[M] Restrictions (1/1)

I am, again, sitting alone in my apartment room, the same way I have done so many times over the past year. The evening light going into my room almost makes it look like the sun is coming up rather than going down. It feels fitting, since it seems like the times have been fading into each other lately, and for a moment, I question if it is actually morning, so I reach for my phone from the nightstand, confirming that it's seven-thirty p.m..It's my free day and this should be exciting. Free days used to be something I looked forward to so desperately because I could do so many things, but honestly, I'm not looking forward to anything right now. Ever since the pandemic started, life has felt rather empty. My days used to consist of work, fun, friends, and downtime, but now it's only work and downtime. I can't spend time with my family in Japan, I can't go out for activities. I literally can't do anything but kinda just lay here.Luckily, I have the girls by my side and we do movie nights and such every few days, just trying fight through the ups and downs of life together. And considering how our friendships and the relationship of Dahyun and I have been growing bigger day by day, I still find myself feeling like something is missing. I just can't exactly put my finger on the lost. As I'm laying on my bed, contemplating on what to do, my phone vibrates in my hand. Still laying down, I unlock it and open the message. It's from Dahyun."Honey, I don't know if this is weird or not, but can we just talk for a bit?""Of course we can. About what?" I reply."I don't know. Today feels empty, so I want to talk to someone."At least I'm not the only one feeling lonely today, right? I ask her if she wants to text or come over, but before she replies to my message, I hear a knock on the door. I leave the bedroom and go to unlock the door for who I assume is Dahyun. She greets me with a kiss. Together, we go back to the bedroom. I get on the bed first and pat the space between my legs, signaling Dahyun to sit there. She closes the door and sits down in silence before letting out a small sigh. I wrap my arms around her and give her a kiss on her head, causing her to lean back against me, almost burying herself into me.It's strange. I'm still in my room in the exact same way I was only a minute ago, but now I'm together with someone, someone I love. It feels slightly less pathetic now, sitting here in silence together, doing nothing, watching the sun get less and less bright. I eventually have to lean over towards my nightstand and turn on the lamp. The ceiling gets filled with stars, planets, and doodles when I switch it on. It's an LED lamp that Sana bought for me for my birthday, thinking that it suits me, which I'm grateful for.I don't know for how long exactly I've been sitting here, playing with Dahyun's hair, stroking her face, but after a while, I remember that she came here to talk, and that's not what we've been doing."So, what do you wanna say?" I ask."Hm?"Dahyun is zoned out, busy staring at the lights on the ceiling and enjoying my embrace, but I don't mind, because I enjoy having her in my arms too."Oh, not a lot, like I said. I've just been feeling weird," she says with an upset voice."In what sense?""Actually, now that I think about it, I haven't been able to feel anything at all. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but it seems like all the excitement has kind of been... taken from life? So I came here to at least do something."I give her an understanding hum, because, well, I do understand. I start gently stroking her hair and she continues talking."I always used to think I craved alone-time and consistency and that the social gatherings tired me out, but now that I actually have alone time and I'm not going to social events as much, I just feel lonely for the first time. Even though I know I'm around you guys all the time, life just feels so much more suffocating and regulated now. Like I said, I haven't been feeling much at all, no bad things, but no good things either."She turns around now, sitting on her knees in front of me and fiddling with her hands. I can't really connect the way she's looking at me to anything right now. Is she trying to ask me to help her? Is something else bothering her? Is she hinting at something, and I just don't get it?"I'm rambling and maybe it's weird and you might don't know this feeling at all, but..."This time, she is staring at me with a familiar gaze and I'm staring back at her. I think we don't have to say anything in order to know that we understand each other. What Dahyun just said is something that strongly applies to us both. After some long seconds, Dahyun hesitantly leans forward and kisses me, ever so lightly, like her kiss is trying to balance a fragile vase in place. We kiss for a few times before she leans back again, giving me one last look, and then turning to lie in my embrace again.Dahyun has never been too concerned with the rules when we're alone. The rules of what our relationship can aand sadly can't be. In this moment, I honestly couldn't care less either as a simultaneous rush and tranquility washes over me. In this moment, I don't care about work. I don't care about the future or how I've been spending my time. I don't even care about how long it's going to stay like this. In this moment, the whole world is Dahyun, laying in my arms, breathing, the glow from the bedside lamp on her hair, the feeling of her skin on mine.I don't want anything to come in between us, in between this. I don't want the emptiness to consume this the same way it has already been consuming all of my life lately. But right now, I feel like the emptiness can't do anything even if it tried to, because Dahyun makes me feel like it'll be okay, like everything will be okay.The two of us go back to silence and throughout the night, I slowly slump down, still holding onto the pretty girl in my lap as her breathing turns into little snores. I turn off the bedside lamp and I slowly fall asleep with Dahyun in my arms. Before I doze off completely, I hope, or maybe rather wonder if this is real or not. Dahyun will leave in the middle of the night, long before I wake up and I already know that we will both never speak about this moment, so there's going to be no way of knowing. Although, maybe it doesn't matter whether this moment is real or not. At least I'm feeling something for the first time in a while again, right?I open my eyes, my eyelids feeling as heavy as they did yesterday, and the day before, and the week before that. I already know that the time is around eight a.m. because my body has somehow started waking up at the same time as if programmed to do so. But this morning, something I'm not used to fills my nose. I breathe in, letting the smell of vanilla rush through my body and fill my lungs. My eyes are still locked onto the ceiling, staring at the lights that I must have forgotten to turn off. And then I remember.I slowly move my head down, not wanting to wake up the person who I'm truly hoping is actually still here, in my bed, together with me. I honestly second-guess if this is reality as I get met with Dahyun, the owner of the amazing vanilla smell that is lurking around in my lungs, still laying comfortably between my legs. I didn't even notice that my arms are still wrapped around her, but I'm happy that they are. Thankfully, I can confirm that I'm not actually dreaming when she shifts in her place, murmuring something that I'm not able to understand. I slowly start caressing her hair as she lifts her hands up to her eyes to rub them.For some reason, the first thought that goes through my head is that Dahyun probably forgot to leave. I know that I shouldn't be thinking about that right now. Instead, I should be appreciating the fact that she's here, waking up together, our bodies together, feeling each other's warmth in the morning for the first time ever. But something, a bad feeling deep down in my gut, causes a sudden angst, a sudden uneasiness  to control my actions. That's why I unwrap my arms from around her, pulling myself back up to sit against the headboard, letting the body that was laying against me drop down onto the bed instead."Shouldn't you be gone right now?" I ask her.I watch her as she lifts herself up with her arms, immediately turning her head towards me with a raised eyebrow. She looks kind of offended. Well, I'm not surprised, since there was no proper reason for me to do that. I shouldn't have done it, but I did."Ah... you're right, sorry," she says with a chuckle, a chuckle I know that isn't genuine at all.She stares at me for a few more seconds as if she's waiting for me to do something before turning back over, scooting herself off the bed, and walking towards the door without saying anything, not even waving me goodbye. I should have stopped her from getting off the bed, called for her before she stepped out of the room and closed the door behind her, but I didn't.It's true that I want her to stay as my partner, my love, my girlfriend forever, I really do. But I would be lying if I said I could explain why I didn't just stay quiet and enjoy her presence longer. Maybe because I thought we crossed the line? But can waking up together really be considered as crossing the line? Why can't we cross the line? Does she want to cross the line? Do I want to cross the line?If it's with Dahyun, I'm ready to cross every and any line. I want to sleep together, wake up together, shower together, kiss her all over. But as soon as I get put in the moment, I run away and hide. I would love to spend every second of my life with her, but I'm anxious. Anxious of what would happen if we accidentally slipped in front of the staff, in front of the camera, in front of the fans. I'm terrified of the thought of what would happen after. That's why her and I try our best to not get too attached to each other. We give it our to control ourselves in public. The only way to succeed in that is by keeping distance even when we're alone. But is it really necessary?I don't know for how long I've been staring at the closed door, but I can't any longer. I glide back down in the bed as I cover my face with my hands. Before I know it, my mind rushes back to her again, like a lost puppy running to it's owner. My mind gets filled with her, with questions about her, with questions about us. I can feel my face getting warmer, a weird feeling forming in my stomach with my heartbeat on top getting heavier. And not very long after, my hands start getting wet.It starts with a few warm drops falling onto them, then they get faster, and in the end, my hands are soaked with my tears. I find myself quietly sobbing. I let my emotions get the best of me as I climb out of the bed and practically sprint to the door, the door I stupidly let her go out of. I grab the handle with a shaky hand and pull it. However, before I'm able to pull it, it gets pushed from the other side.Our eyes meet immediately, as if we were both in a rush for the same thing. Then, her eyes shift to a tear that is slowly gliding down my face and she furrows her eyebrows. In this moment, I notice how tensed up, stressed, and uneasy she looks. She reaches for my face and wipes the tear away.

I don't want our love for each other to have restrictions any longer."Honey—"She was about to say something, I don't know what, but I stop her by pressing my lips against hers. I can taste salty tears on her lips, she must have cried as well. I pull away."Stay," I reach for her free hand, "Stay with me. I don't want you to leave ever again."As I say that, her face instantly lights up and she nods silently. It's silent yet meaningful enough for me to grab her hand and pull her fully into the room. It starts with our bodies coming together after aching for each other so badly. But it's not just a simple cuddle or hug kind of meeting of bodies. It's more than that and I'm sure that I won't regret it in the end no matter what happens. Soft hands meet sharp jawlines, lips become quite acquainted, breathings get uneven in a matter of seconds. Our feet get tangled up with each other, hands find their way up shirts and there's hardly any time to register that we've reached the bed, falling onto it. But it doesn't stop our flow at all.Clothes start coming off with movements that seem practiced but aren't. Up and off, down and off, it's all very swift and the resulting image is beautiful; one pale body flushes a light pink that compliments dark brown hair, one tanner body burning a bright red frames perfectly with deep black hair. Bodies, lips, minds, they all meet like old friends that finally found the time to get together. It's exciting and there's so much to convey with what feels like little time to convey it.She is hovering over me, her lips pressed against my stretched neck while one set of our hands intertwine their fingers. Another set of hands occupy themselves with different objectives; hers reaching down below, rubbing me with a singular finger before pushing in slowly, and mine massaging one of her soft breasts. One of her fingers turns into two, making my slight back arching turn into pleasured twitching. She lets out a soft chuckle against my neck before I chase it with a desperate moan out of my bitten raw lips."Does it feel good?" she asks me.Her voice comes out soft and sweet, barely above a whisper, and I'm a total mess, just wondering how she always manages to be so perfect. Sometimes I think about what it would be like if I just put her in a box for display because she's just that valuable and precious."I love it, Dahyuni," I reply in a high-pitched whimper that I really can't help. "I love you."Another soft chuckle from her. I love her so much and I can only hope that from now on, I'll be able to show her that it will always stay like that."I love you more."She starts kissing up my neck, trailing her lips across my jaw line before finally meeting my lips. However, the kiss doesn't last for long, because she pulls away and leaves me to pull her fingers out of me and replace them with her tongue. At first, I groan at the loss of warmth from her body, but then I turn into an absolute mess. I can't help the moans as Dahyun licks me. She sneaks a hand up and circles my clit with her thumb, causing my thighs to twitch.She doesn't stop until I come with my thighs clamping around her head and her name shooting out of my mouth in between random Japanese words and phrases she just barely knows the meanings of. I breathe heavily, mind fuzzy and body tingling. Still, Dahyun licks at her lips and positions my leg to go over her shoulder. Although I don't register Dahyun getting me into position to continue, the first press of her sex against mine, my oversensitive clit being ground on by Dahyun's, has another wave of fire coursing through my veins and a choked off moan slipping from me.Dahyun grinds our parts together, her eyes fluttering shut at the wonderful pressure. I begin to tear up, the feeling of going on even after I already came being too much, but I still find myself grinding my hips against Dahyun's just as desperately. She finally lets go moments later, her orgasm having her bending forwards, hips stuttering and thighs shaking. She cries out my name with eyes screwed shut for only a moment before she forces them open to look right at me. I groan and move my sex against Dahyun's a few more times so I can come again, having been right on the edge before her orgasm.I've realized that the piece that has been missing all this time has been Dahyun. Yeah, we are already together, but no one could call the thing we had a proper relationship. But now, I know what I want, and I won't let anyone stop me from treating her the way I want to. I won't let anyone stop me from holding her and looking after her even if we have viewers. She lets her petite body drop onto mine as I connect our lips one more time, sealing our love completely and forever, no matter what awaits us....