The Closed Curtain (1/2)
The light...is her light,
But...he is not her.
Her light was bright,
His light is bright;
Her light was warm,
His light is warm.
Her light is his
And his light is hers.
Why have I not seen his light before?
Why am I only seeing it now? Why have I not felt his warmth before?
Why am I only feeling it now?
I have been by his side for so many years,
But not once have I seen his light, felt his warm.
Because I would not let myself notice his light, bask in his warmth,
Because my thoughts were only of her and her light. She made me blind;
She stole my senses.
What more have I not noticed about him?
What more has escaped me?
His eyes -
His eyes are so much different than before. Before they glittered with happiness,
With hope,
And with life.But now they are dark and sullen,
Filled with nighttime and memories. They are different eyes -
They are like my eyes. But they are still beautiful,
Just like before.
His face -
His face is much different than before.Before it was alight with inner peace,
With personal satisfaction. But now it is dull and stiff,
Covered by a mask of secrets and regrets. It is a different face -
It is like my face.But it is still beautiful,
Just like before.
His body -
Even his body is much different than it was before. Before it was strong,
Filled with vigor,
Tall and confident.But now it is weak, tired, and diminished,
Eaten from the inside by insecurity and despondency. It is a different body -
It is like my body. And it is still beautiful.
Just like before.
He is pitiful;
He is beautiful. He is so beautiful it makes me shiver;
It makes my thoughts stop.
His skin is so pale -
I have made his skin so pale. He is sick and I do not know how to heal him;
He is tired but he finds no rest,
No place to sleep.He is dying because of me -
He is dying with me. He is dying from will...
Because he is killing himself
By trying to bring me
Back to life.
He is selfless;
He is perfect. Only he is what I want to see
As I live the rest of my days broken
And hopeful for something better -
Something that will never come. But with him,
The disappointment won't hurt
Because at least there will be his eyes,
His face,
His body for comfort.
He will be my comfort;
He will be my something
Above something better.
I want to touch his skin
And touch his lips,
To touch each and every inch of his body
As the world disappears around me.
I wonder what it would be like...
To touch him like that...With passion,
With longing,
With love...And what would it be like...
If he touched me with the same passion,
The same longing...With love?
What...
What are you thinking, Woohyun? How...
How dare you think like this!
Two men...can't love.Not each other...
Not anything. Not too much.
Loving him...is wrong! You...you can't....love him! No! No, no, no! You can't!
How dare you even think about his eyes,
About his face,
About his body and his skin - About...touching him...
About...loving him...
You...
Are disgusting. You are not right! You are...wrong!
You are so wrong!
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
You are wrong!
And you will never,
Never,
Be a man. Because you are always wrong
And never right.
Stop...
Stop looking at him!
Stop thinking about him! You must...forget him...
You have to!
But...but without him...
I can only think of...
Her.She who will never come back,
Who will consume me
And leave me with nothing but her memory - Nothing but her unreachable face
And a feeling of emptiness.
But...why is his face...
Changing?
What...
What is happening to him?
That light...
Is her light...And now his eyes...
Are becoming her eyes.
His face...
His dull, sullen face...
Is her face -
Her plaguing, unreachable face -
And suddenly I am overcome
With a feeling of emptiness.
Sunggyu fell to his knees
And hurriedly collected the pieces of broken glass,
Just as he had tried to collect the pieces of Woohyun's broken spirit,
Of his sanity.
Woohyun was only looking at Sunggyu -
His light was her light.His light was hers...
He was her...And if Woohyun did not watch Sunggyu...
He might disappear.
Just as she had done seven months earlier.
And he could not let Sunggyu leave -
Not then. He still needed him. Sunggyu was torturing him,
But Woohyun still needed him. To forget;
To heal.
"Woohyun, are you alright?" Sunggyu asked as he placed his hand on Woohyun's knees.Woohyun did not flinch;
He was too focused on Sunggyu's face
And its likeness to her face
To notice anything else.
It was still glowing;
Why was it still glowing?
"I...I think you should rest, Woohyun," Sunggyu suggested sheepishly,
Believing that he had done something wrong
And it was his job to fix the resultant damage. His eyes were aimed at the floorboards
And his voice was as thin as the air carried to Woohyun's brain -
Suffocating it,
Confusing it.
Could the light be...illusory,
A mere trick of the imagination?
The light...seemed so real.
It just...had to be real.
He reached out to touch Sunggyu's face;
He felt the warmth between his fingers.
The light was real -
He could feel it.
So on he stared at Sunggyu's face,
Not saying anything,
Not removing his hands from his face,
From his warmth.
"Woohyun, I...I really think you should rest."
"No." That was all he said.He only wanted to look at his light -
At her light.
He could not rest
Until he knew the source of the light.
Could it be...
That she was announcing her return...
Through Sunggyu? Or...or was it an omen,
A foretelling of the day
Sunggyu would leave,
Not once saying goodbye -
Leaving no traces
Except in memories? Just as she had done.
He...he had to know.He didn't want...to be alone.
Not anymore.
"Woohyun, you need to rest. Come on." With two hands, Sunggyu grasped Woohyun's thin arms
And lifted him from the chair. And Woohyun was too intent with staring at Sunggyu's face
To notice
Or to fight back.
Without insomuch as a sound,
A breathe,
Or a pulse,
Sunggyu led Woohyun to his bedroom.He brought him to his bed
And sat him down. And all the while
Woohyun was only looking
At Sunggyu's face - His face that communicated messages
And foretold the worst - That reflected the past
And spoke of a desolate future.
He was so focused on Sunggyu's face
That he almost failed to notice Sunggyu's most blasphemous action.
With Woohyun sitting still atop the sheets,
Sunggyu decided it was time to open the curtain -
To show Woohyun the world that awaited him. But when the curtain opened just a crack,
Sunggyu's light disappeared.And it broke Woohyun's concentration.
In an instant -
A single surge of time -
Woohyun leaped from the bed
With an expression of pure horror
And a still-beating heart.He screamed loudly -
The loudest he had ever screamed before.
He was vexed beyond compare
And as irrational as ever.He spread his frail arms wide,
Creating the illusion that he was bigger, stronger,
Just as he had been in the past
When he honestly believed that he had become a man.
All because of her. And in a single motion,
A single moment,
Woohyun knocked Sunggyu to the ground
And stood in front of the curtain.
Sunggyu's elbow hit the ground -
Hard. And the pain that shot up into his arms
Made him snap.
Completely.
"What the hell? What did you do that for?" he yelled at Woohyun. In that moment,
Woohyun was not fragile.He was not in need of help
And he certainly was not a friend or an obsession.
Woohyun had hurt him;
Woohyun had wronged him.
"Sunggyu..." Woohyun whispered -
While in a state of shock -
Once he realized
What he had done.
Sunggyu's face was not glowing anymore -
It was red with anger and betrayal. Woohyun...had made a mistake.
"Why are you so afraid of opening that curtain, huh?
Are you scared that something will come in through the window and get you? Huh? Is that it?" Sunggyu's shouts were deafening
And Woohyun could feel them slowly slitting his skin
As the sensation of guilt and the sickness of regret set in
And tore at his heartstrings -
What was left of his rationality.
"No...I..."
"Well, what is it then? You never tell me anything.
Why won't you tell me anything?You used to trust me;
You used to believe in me