Chapter 4: Falling Apart (1/1)
It has been almost a year since we’ve started this act where we will be the happy couple we’re once was infront of our kids. It was frustrating, and sometimes I just want to burst out with all that lies. But whenever I see Taeyeon’s and Henry’s happy faces whenever the four of us cuddled up in the living room like nothing goes wrong, that gives me the strength to hold on. Yet inside me, I know it will all be just like this. An act to please our kids, nothing more, no deeper meaning besides that. We still sleep in the same bed, but the warmth that used to fill it all up is gone. Sometimes I wonder if Kyuhyun sees another woman, since he’s been going home late at night. I never got the courage to ask. Asking leads to fighting and fighting is tiring. He’ll be coming home and I’m already asleep, he’ll wake up the next morning and I’m already in the kitchen preparing breakfast. Besides of those times that we need to talk and be with each other whenever our kids see us, we never had a real conversation. We’ve totally drift apart. Sometimes I can’t help but wished that we shouldn’t have crossed the boundaries of our friendship. Maybe things will be a lot simpler if we never let our infatuation and puppy love get in the way. Maybe he will still be the same boy that I would shed tears because he failed to pay attention to me. And then he will make up to me with another teddy bear or something grander than that perhaps. Maybe we didn’t do IT, and maybe I could have get into college, graduated, and pursue a career. Maybe things will be a lot less complicated when we remained as friends. Because to be honest, right now, we’re like complete strangers. I don’t think about what went wrong anymore. It’s useless, especially if we both neglect the fact that we can find a way to straight things out. The last time we did, we just hurt each other one more time, saying this marriage should never have happened in the first place. Everything is verbal, but that what pains the most. So we just keep quiet on everything, knowing whatever words that will slip in our mouths may just lead to another squabble. We’re falling apart.. And at one point.. I thought I don’t know him anymore. I don’t know myself anymore. ~ It was a summer vacation when my father finally received his retirement pay and he and my mom thought of spending some time together in Hongkong. Yet the supposed to be just the two of them plan didn’t happened when mom insist to bring my two kids. They want Taeyeon and Henry to experience Disneyland and since it’s Taeyeon’s summer break, and not to mention it’ll be free, I agreed. I was supposed to go with them but my dad tells me I should take care of me and my husband’s problems first, and that three week trip that our kids will be gone will be the perfect timing to talk things out. Our parents both know what’s happening between us, they are friends after all, and they must have exchanged stories whenever they met. I actually want to avoid talking as much as possible but this misunderstanding between me and Kyuhyun has been almost two years, and I know somehow, we must face this, sort out priorities, or maybe finally ending it once and for all. The thought of separation pains me. But I guess it’ll be inevitable. Mom assured me she’ll take care and keep an eye on my kids. I and Kyuhyun both sent them to the airport and Henry cried when it’s time for them to go. He almost didn’t want to go but when dad bribed him with some chinese foods he’ll be having in HK, he beamed in an instant. Henry’s weakness is food, a trait he must have inherited from me. The moment they’re gone, Kyuhyun and I quietly went back to the car. The drive all the way home has been agonizingly silent too. Once we’re there, he immediately went into our shared bedroom and started packing. I remained downstairs and sat on the couch, put the TV on but my focus is nowhere in it. We’ve got to talk last night. He surprisingly went home earlier than what he used to do and we talked. We agreed on the opportunity of having the kids away for three weeks to do a trial separation. It did hurt me that he’s doing this because of the idea that we might get a divorce later but I know it’s the best thing to do for now. For him and for me. This thing may help us choose if we stay married or really part. Though I feel that it’ll be the latter, somehow, a part of me still wished we could fixed it up. That maybe this separation and space, we would find the parts of ourselves we lost, the reasons why we fell inlove in the first place, the grounds on there was once an “Us” and not just Yoona and Kyuhyun. I heard his footsteps descending on the stairs but I didn’t look back at him just yet. When I felt him enter the living room, I stood up and faced him, two suitcases is already with him.“Uhmm, I didn’t put everything up. I believe this will last for three weeks.”, he said awkwardly. I nodded and though I contemplate if I should asked the question in my mind, I fired it away anyway.“So, where will you stay?”“I’ve looked for a place last week, you know, when I found out that the kids will be leaving. I found a good apartment and I’ll be staying in there.”, he said, not actually meeting my eyes.I bit my lip with his answer. So that means he’s been thinking of this trial separation for a while now. Maybe even before the news that the kids will be away.“I can give you my address..”, he added softly and looked back at me. I smiled faintly and shook my head.“No need. I’ll just call you when I need something. Although, I don’t think that will be necessary.”“What do you mean?”, he frowned a little.“I’m going to look for a job tomorrow.”, I said firmly.For a second I thought he’s going to argue but his mouth just formed into an ‘O’. Maybe he figured out that we’re seconds away to our little experiment of what it’s like to be apart from each other, and he knows starting a fight will not be any good. And besides, if we indeed break up, he has no right to say anything about my life anymore. His role in my life will simply just be the father of my kids.