[M] Ohnohediint (1/1)

Note: Is "complete" for now. I have two more installments for "crazy!Key" XD Also, a play off from a scene in "Once You Go Black"...which I plan on coming back to. One day  It could get no better than this; that he could wake up mid-morning without the aid of an alarm clock, Minho’s beastly “I just woke up” voice in his ear, or the occasional foot shoved in his face if he was the last one still passed out.  Onew and Minho had early schedule, Key had called dibs on the bathroom before his bladder even thought about christening the toilet with his first piss of the day and Jonghyun…well, he hadn’t seen Jonghyun yet.  Mr. I’m Conceited & I’m Mistaken If I Think I Have a Reason was probably stuck in front of the mirror in he and Onew’s room already, preening his newest “man accessory.”Not that Taemin cared where he was or what he was doing.All the maknae had on his mind was spending less of the energy it took to flip a quarter to fix something to eat. For some reason, he’d been tasting some peanut butter and jelly in his sleep-so it was only natural that he’d go for  Plan B as soon as Plan A (that aforementioned, peaceful wake-up) had been transacted.Even if Key wasn’t holding the dorm’s only bathroom hostage, Taemin wasn’t planning on visiting it much today.  Down to the grimy teeth his ran his tongue over to the skid-marked drawers that were well on their way to that exquisite, frowsy stench, Taemin was going to keep it 100 bum.So the lopsided, post-sleep grin was definitely there as he stumbled into the kitchen, stretching himself loose,  knocking his head from side to side to work out the kinks. He made a slapdash PB&J sandwich, occasionally sucking some of the contents from his thumb. He was still humming  when he could finally sit down at the table and tear into one of the gooey triangles.  In his defense, Taemin decided that he was only giving his meal some additional flavor by using the hand he held the sandwich with to reach into the waistband of his pj bottoms and give the boys a hardy, well-earned scratch.It couldn’t get any better, and nothing could ruin such a perfect setting.But in the brilliant words of their dorky leader: Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. It’s impolite. To the chickens. –insert wild laughter-Taemin wasn’t quite done waking up and, therefore, not quite all there yet; alas, it was no excuse for him to forget; it was disappointing that he hadn’t learned yet that he couldn’t speak so soon living in this dorm. The peanut butter was sticking to the roof of his mouth like crazy so he’d reluctantly dragged himself up a glass of milk. Was in the middle of planting his rump back to the table when the sharp, repulsed squeal from the bathroom stopped him in his tracks.“Fuck…” he whispered through gritted teeth.But ignoring the “cries of distress” would doom them all to an even worse dilemma (wherein it ends with everybody getting slapped upside the head for being insensitive pricks). It was the only reason why Taemin calmly left his makeshift heaven to investigate.He knocked grudgingly, voice as dry as his expression.  If not a bit whiny. “Hyung what’s wrong? ”In prompt response, he was nearly riot-rammed into the opposite wall when the door banged open. Something T-shaped and wet was shoved into his face, causing him to double back into a semi-Matrix-all bug-eyed. Well, he was awake now.“What the hell is this, Taemin? Can you tell me what the hell this is?!”“ Uh-“Look at it Taemin!  Look at it!” A dripping, wailing Key shook the object. Shook it. So close now, if Taemin had a unibrow it would be  bloody, messy history.  “How could this happen again?”“Hyung, please…” Taemin swallowed, overtly cross-eyed. “….just calm down…and ease up off me-“Motherfucking again-“And by all means,” the maknae emphasized a little bit louder, baggy eyes narrowed. “Don’t take your time.”As predicted, Key didn’t bother apologizing once he backed off and sighed theatrically. The close-call loss of Taemin’s first piss certainly wouldn’t be as bad as his spine locking into a “C” for the rest of his life, no way. Livid Key was livid so tough nuggets.He just went straight back into that delirious, fast talk of his, throwing the razor into the sink with enough force to crack the porcelain-yelling and stomping around in a circle. Taemin blinked slowly.“It just doesn’t make any sense! I make the same amount of cheese like anyone else around here and motherfuckers decide to use my good shit? Motherfuckers ain't broke. Do you all like to hear me talk when I keep saying keep your dickbeaters off my shit?  What, is everyone going deaf around this bitch? Is common courtesy not so common anymore? Just look at it! It’s disgusting!”He followed the pointed, quivering finger,  looking at “it”…again.The blue and green razor was clogged with wiry, dark brown hairs.And after Taemin was done dying a little on the inside, he faced the red-faced rapper with the same calm he retained before the door nearly smacked him two-dimensional.“Can I at least pee first?”“Taemin, seriously. I can’t even take a decent shower without some sketchy shit going down! And its like a ‘fuck you’ to my face that this bitch felt that he couldn’t even clean out the blade!” Without missing a beat, Key curved to the side to let the younger through. Between  a dance-struggle to whip out the mini-me before he burst, nodding to “the important” parts of Key’s rant, and failing about three times to lift the toilet seat, Taemin had to admit he carrying on rather impressively.“…the fuck, yo?”“Well you know I didn’t use it.”“Then who did?”“Someone with brown hair?”“Don’t sass me, Taemin! Shit just got real and I’m about to show motherfuckers that it can get even realer. This is just nasty-look Tae! I think I see dead crabs up in there!”Taemin shook as he rolled his eyes. Ah, there. Last drop. “You’re doing too much hyung, to be honest-“If it wasn’t you then who was it? Minho knows better, Onew runs around here like a fucking ape so he didn’t-oh hell no.” Key crossed his arms. The towel around his waist was threatening to fall down, but Taemin wisely kept his suggestions to himself.“I hope…to God….that short fuck didn’t use my Gillette again…”Okay. Now was the time to get the hell up out of dodge.  He was using that snake voice Taemin absolutely hated.Too bad Key was blocking the doorway.“Alright,” Taemin said lightly, going to touch Key’s shoulder…then recoiling on second thought. “As much as I’d like to stay and decide Jonghyun’s fate, I-“That little rat hanging off his chin isn’t worth clogging up my razor. Not with those scruff ass hairs.”“-trying to-Wait. Ew. You kept it even after he shaved his nuts with it last time?”Key eyed the boy like he’d just told him perrywinkle was the new pink . “What the fuck do I look like? Hell no! I trashed it and bought a new one.” Then under his breath: “Can’t be having my nut hairs all intertwined with that dino’s.Taemin stared at Key staring back at him staring at Taemin staring at Key staring harder at Taemin staring even harder at Key staring the hardest at Taemin.“I really hate to tell you this, but I think he did use it again.”“Why?”“Didn’t you notice that day? When he was wearing Onew’s Speedos at the pool? His nuts were shaved, fresh off the blade. I could tell cause you know Onew’s ass is big these days and the Speedo was kinda…there. Hanging off him. I mean, his nuts weren’t hard to see…” he trailed off as-a-matter-of-factly.“He doesn’t dye his pubs though!” the older yelled, tone dangerously teetering between misplaced denial and that highly obtainable boiling point Key was headed to.  “I don’t even do that!”“Nope. Sorry. Jonghyun’s cheap razors don’t give THAT close of a shave.” The maknae cocked a suspicious brow. “Since when has it not been okay for Jonghyun to be suspect?”Key glared at Taemin staring at Key glaring….oh you get it.“That son of a bitch.”At that very moment Jonghyun was walking by, Key’s back to him. He glimpsed the younger’s ass playing peek-a-boo…then the razor in the sink; about-faced without a break in his step, and trolled back in the direction he came.Taemin shrugged one shoulder, more or less concerned that he was responsible for the vocalist’s demise, but deciding in a span of a second that he couldn’t really give a dismal fuck. They could drop the conversation at this point, because his simple brunch was now churning in his stomach like melted tar and the foul fumes congesting his throat were about to put him off his appetite- already bad enough his day of slummage was off to a crappy start, shit.And talking about Jonghyun’s bald, hickory nuts was NOT suitable conversation for the crack of…12:00.Make that not suitable at all.Fuck this nut talk. Saying and thinking “nuts” over and over again was making Taemin uncomfortable.This situation was making his own nuts itchier itch.Nuts……………..Jonghyun’s nuts. Key’s nuts. Minho’s nuts. Onew’s nuts….………………………………………………nuts.Taemin stomped past Key without another word. He went back to his neglected meal and was about to take a huge, hefting bite out of it…until something stopped him.He set the sandwich down.Stared at it blankly.Peeled the top slice of bread off and calmly began picking the peanuts out of the peanut butter, placing them onto the napkin.Doing the most. Just…doing the most.