Loves always breaking me (1/2)

This is all my fault. Life was too small. It was so small Yixing was pretty confident he could hold it in the palm of his hand, squeeze the life out of it until he got the results he wanted.

But you couldn't hold life, it rested on your shoulders and you had to carry it, Yixing realised that a long time ago.

However he had to get on with it, people told him he should have 'lived life to the best', and he was, doing what he loved and nothing else. He did think a long time ago he needed love, but love was like life, except a little more optional, that didn't mean you didn't get judged about it though.

'You don't believe in love? That's just sad.'

'You don't like love? What a hater, your life must be really shit.'

'You only say that because your love life is crap.'

And yeah, Yixing's love life was crap, the fact he was bisexual didn't help either, being faced with 'make up your mind' and 'you're just a slut' wasn't exactly pleasant for Yixing, well, it wouldn't be for anyone really, would it?

He just wanted to dance.

Dance until he dropped. Why couldn't I save him? "Hey, are you okay?"A voice came to Yixing as he breathed heavily, sweat collecting where ever it could and a bottle full of his life's dependence in his left hand. Said male rose his head to look at who the voice belonged to, to see a tanned male looking down at him with a smile yet a concerned look on his face. He was leaning on a walking stick, which Yixing was more used to seeing on an elderly man than such a young looking one of that, but ignored it.Desperately he tried to remember the strangers name, because he knew he was supposed to know it. After auditioning for being in the dance group he was currently in, and gladly being invited in, the judges had explained that he would most probably meet this male.

Dark skinned, handsome, with a walking stick. But the Chinese male scanned his rubbish memory for the name of the stranger, and while thinking he had realised after a few minutes had passed, that he was in fact staring at the man while deep in thought, and all he could do pass was a quiet murmur, which surprisingly the other had caught."Sorry...""It's fine, you're the new guy aren't you, from China?"Yixing simply nodded and decided to stop sitting down and looking up at the nameless man and stand to give a proper greeting. He slowly rose on his feet with the help of the mirrored wall behind him that was reflecting the entire dance studio. Yixing was raised with manners throughout his entire life, no matter if they were younger, older, female, male, he would give them his most up-most respect, and revealed that to the other with an almost perfect ninety degrees bow."Nice to meet you, I'm Yixing," he greeted, and once returned to his normal stance, he realised that in fact the other male was taller, despite leaning on one foot more than the other."Nice to meet you too, I'm Jongin, I come here to help with practice sometimes but I decided to just come after everyone left, I didn't expect to see someone," he explained, while Yixing let thoughts flow throughout his mind.He helped out? With an injury?However Yixing being polite as he was didn't ask about the walking stick, it was like asking someone about their disability and Yixing was sure Jongin probably got enough of it as it was. Instead of standing and thinking, Yixing finally said, "I was practicing extra, to catch up..."The group Yixing had joined were already half way through making up a performance to show at the local theater. They weren't an acting group, they were just the dancers for the actors on stage. But Yixing didn't mind, he didn't have his eyes set on singing or acting, even if others did say he was a good singer, he wanted to focus on his main goal in life, and that was becoming the best dancer he could be. "Well it's good to see someone is working hard, I swear some of them are acting like this is just something to do to pass time, it's not though, you need to-""Dedicate yourself?"Jongin widened his eyes and his jaw dropped slightly, before his plush lips stretched out to form a smile, perfect white teeth on show, and nodded understandingly, eyes sparkling slightly with interest."Exactly," he murmured, and it took a while for Yixing to process his words because they were so small and quiet he couldn't analyze his knowledge of Korean to understand at first.  While Yixing shifted, slightly uncomfortable because Jongin's eyes shone with something he couldn't quite read, Jongin whipped around and walked over to a wooden chair the previous instructor had been sitting on while the dance group worked on their performance, and sat down, eyes glued onto Yixing the entire time, who stayed still in his spot except from the movement of his head, and leaned on his walking stick, saying with a smooth tone, "Show me what you learned."Yixing was slightly taken back that after they had just met, Jongin wanted him to dance, even though he had been dancing for almost all day. It wasn't like he hated the fact he had to do even more of the said task, it was just that he thought that when a dancer and a supposedly dance instructor met, he thought they would talk about something other than dancing, as it would bore the two.However Jongin was wanting him to dance and Yixing would do it.He went through the whole performance, or what he knew anyway, hesitating on some parts which he had either just learned or had forgotten slightly, and finished with his legs apart, arms on either side and head down, breathing out heavily as he had put all his effort into the solo performance.When he lifted his head, he saw Jongin smile. It was neither a smirk or a simple yet nice smile, instead it was almost a proud smile, which confused Yixing because he was sure he had only just met the Korean. Maybe Jongin was more than what Yixing had initially thought, maybe he had more money and was more known than he thought, maybe Jongin was the ticket to his dancing career.As if waiting for an answer, even some feedback, Yixing stood still, bringing his legs together and receiving his breath back, while practically staring at Jongin. Why was he hoping so much? Why was he trying to please so much? Yixing knew he couldn't get his hopes too high for Jongin to be the thing he was waiting for, because when you wish too high you fall extra hard.It felt like eternity had passed and gone before Jongin finally lifted himself off the seat and walked towards Yixing, eyes following intently, and watched as he dug into his pocket, Yixing feeling guilty as he really hoped it was money, but instead, he brought out a phone."Can I have your number?" His words were surprisingly slightly shaky, and when Yixing looked up from his phone to the taller male, he saw a simplistic smile on his face, different from the one when he had when Yixing finished the dance. It's just for professional reasons, right?Yixing didn't smile but ran towards his bag in the corner of the dance studio. He looked okay, but that was just me. Yixing clicked open the door of his old flat, opening it up to be relieved with the smell of scented strawberries. The location of the flat wasn't pleasant at all, so Yixing went all out to try and make his home more leisurely for himself. He shut the door behind him and headed for his bedroom, he had already eaten out and at the moment he just wanted to strip himself of his clothes and dive into the comforts of his bed.He flung his bag into the corner of his room and after cleaning himself and indeed stripping himself of his clothes, he had already let the sheets welcome him into a world of dreams and endless sleep.Yixing didn't have work the next day, and so decided to go and have more of a walk around his new living area in the morning, even if it wasn't pleasant, maybe there were hidden treasures (although he doubted it). He set his alarm because he knew that if he didn't have an alarm he would probably sleep until midday, and he had dance practice tomorrow anyway in the afternoon.This was how Yixing wanted his life; work, dance, eat, sleep.It was ideal for him.He quickly set his alarm, but just as he was about to settle the phone to the side, he felt the object vibrate in his hands and unlocked it to see Jongin had texted him. With curious eyes, he opened it up to full screen to see the message he had only just managed to catch.'Have a good night sleep.'It seemed a bit hollow at first, Yixing guessed because there wasn't any emoji, but then Yixing imagined the tanned instructor smiling as he sent the text with those pink lips and perfect teeth. Thinking those thoughts made Yixing himself smile, before he winced at the actions and mentally scolded himself. He was getting too distracted, especially with someone he had only just met.Instead of being some cold shoulder, Yixing decided to text back with a simple, 'you too' before locking his phone and slipping it onto his bedside table, while also turning the lamp off that was on the table, letting darkness envelop his vision. Work, dance, eat and sleep, that was all he needed. He was so perfect.  Yixing stepped a foot outside, and smiled, it was a nice day, even if the smell of alcohol was all that hit him along with the sun beaming down onto his skin. He may not have had room for anything but the life he wanted, but he did have room for a little bit of appreciation for the small, good little bits of life. He ended up walking around the big block of flats, finding a small community garden which was quite nice, and decided to take a stroll through the small bit of nature that was actually real, the amount of times he had stumbled upon a flower to find it was plastic was unreal.He hated lies, someone could come up to him and tell them they hated him right to his face, as long as they didn't lie and back-stab him. Trying to get the thought of lying and backstabbing out of his head, he started to work his way through the almost beautifully crafted garden, giving his praise to whoever had made it into such a state. He continued to walk, watching the butterflies make their way to their destinations and bees do their job as they collected pollen.He was so into his thoughts that he didn't even notice the presence of a person on the bench that was almost swallowed up completely into the plants beside it.

Of course as fate would make it, once the mysterious being was in full sight, Yixing recognised it to be no other than Jongin. It wasn't like he hated the male or detested him in any way, he just didn't want to grow too attached, that would be a bit of a pain.However he couldn't pass the fact that he was there and he knew him, and ended up approaching the instructor, but once he was close enough, he noticed that the injured man was in fact asleep. The Chinese dancer felt slightly burdened, as he was so close he didn't know whether or not to wake him up or just pass by him. However none of those options were taken as the latter's eyes flickered open, before hazily sitting up so his back was straight and looking up to Yixing who stood right in front of him, practically staring."Yixing," he yawned, stretching, then settling his hands on his lap and returning his gaze up to the statue of a person.Move, goddammit, move."What are you doing here?" He asked, bringing out his walking stick that was settled behind his back and leaning on it, not taking his eyes of Yixing. He finally took a gulp of the air around him and answered, "I live here," which seemed to be all he was letting out, while Jongin smiled and gestured with a free hand to the empty space next to him on the bench. "Come, sit," sounding more like an elderly man than a young one of that.Yixing didn't know why he was still slightly frozen, and why in fact he couldn't even deny the man, he had other things he wanted to do, and talking to Jongin wasn't one of them. However, he felt himself moving without his minds consultation and instead his hearts as he sat down beside Jongin, but not daring to turn his head to look at him."You're very strange, I don't know if it's because you're having difficulty with the language or you're just shy but you're very...quiet," he explained beside Yixing, turning to look at him. But Yixing could hardly process it, because the words reminded him too much of a certain person.A certain person he would've liked to forget.However it dawned on him that it was rude not to give at least a nod or some form of answer, and so replied, "I just don't like to make too much of a hassle..." again the end of his sentence seemed to have just drifted off into the emptiness between them, letting it grow bigger, and maybe that was good, in fact it was most probably perfect for Yixing, but it seemed Jongin wouldn't have it at all, as he tried to fight back the silence, and open up the locked Yixing."You think speaking to me will cause you hassle?" He asked, eyes still firmly planted onto the side profile of Yixing's face, with refused to turn and look at him, but stared into the beautiful garden laid out before them. He sighed and shook his head. "It's not like that, but I...I moved here to make changes, I just want to work and dance and just enjoy everything on my own, it's better that way," he explained, finally swallowing up the courage turn and meet eyes with Jongin, who seemed surprised, but not angry, unlike most people (which wasn't a lot) who he had told almost the same words to."You like to be alone?" He asked quietly and gently, as if his words would break Yixing.The other nodded, no smile, but a relaxed face, as if he was in his comfort zone, despite the fact he was so close to Jongin and talking to him. He liked Jongin; he was quiet and gentle, not brash and harsh, he didn't burn Yixing's skin and rub him the wrong way, instead he was like a calm, cool breeze. Yixing found it hard to find someone as laid back as him, and not only was it strange, but it scared Yixing slightly, as he knew someone he liked could easily change his ways and his perspective on things.Like how he did."Why?" He asked even more quietly, even sounding like the wind because of how gentle his words were.Yixing thought about how to answer, as he didn't want to reveal too much of himself, not to Jongin, someone who he was easily starting to trust (which was dangerous on so many levels), but at the same time he wanted to give him a proper answer."Because it's easier that way, I don't want to make too much excitement in my life, and I don't want to trouble other people's lives either," he said while scuffing the floor with his trainers, turning his line of sight away from the other person back to the floor."Yeah but it's boring, i-if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?" Yixing didn't think it was rude to ask how old someone was, it was just curiosity, however he didn't chuckle under his breath slightly at the small stutter Jongin made. Feeling slightly more relaxed, he turned to look back Jongin, answering, "Twenty two."Jongin's eyes widened and his mouth formed a small 'o' shape, before stretching out a smile and asking, "Really?""Yeah, why?""You're two years older than me," he grinned, obviously finding it quite amusing.Yixing was also taken back slightly, Jongin seemed older than twenty, he had that mature look on his face, and to have an injury so young..."See," he huffed, looking like he was about to start a long statement, but Yixing let him continue nevertheless because he was interested in what he had to say to Yixing, as he crossed his legs, "I think when you're at such an age, you should live your life to it's fullest, not staying home and not making any friends, I mean, I may be disabled but I always make the best of life, right?"Yixing sighed, it was exactly what he thought he was going to say. Even if it wasn't as rough as most people, it was still the same message; stop wasting your life.But he wasn't, he had the privilege of living his life how he wanted to live it, even if Jongin did seem different, only barely, he was still the same as everyone else. However, Yixing still found himself asking, "And how would I live my life to the fullest?"Jongin smiled, it wasn't like a big grin like before, but a gentle one at that."By making a friend?" He was so quiet and gentle, that's what I liked about him. It had been over a week and Yixing had managed to catch up with the performance team, although he was still a little more hesitant in some parts, he had worked hard, and it had defiantly paid off. Jongin had worked hard as well to make sure he had caught up, and every extra lesson he gave Yixing, said male would say his thanks to his hearts content. One day however, after he had worked extra hard, Jongin sweating slightly as he had to dance a little (not very well because of his leg) to show some of the moves to Yixing, Jongin asked him if he wanted to go to his place for dinner. Yixing hesitated slightly at first, it wasn't like he didn't trust Jongin or he had plans, it was just he had grown quite close to the instructor over the almost two weeks they had known each over, and going over to his place for a meal seemed to take it to the next step.Yixing didn't want to go to the next step, whether it was because he was scared or just being careful, he just felt really shaky about the whole situation, because he knew that if it kept going in that direction, it wouldn't end well.But he didn't find himself protesting or denying the offer, in fact he let himself be lured into the trap.He agreed, and already he found himself walking alongside Jongin on their way back. The block of flats they lived in (Yixing found out that Jongin in fact lived in the same building) wasn't far from the studio, which Jongin had explained many times was good for his leg, while for Yixing it was just easier, that made him feel both lazy and a bit disrespectful inside. They didn't speak as they walked, although Yixing did find himself asking a few times 'are you okay?' or 'do you get tired?' as Jongin limped along the pavement, but the latter just shook him off and assured him he was okay.When they finally arrived after using the disabled lift, Yixing watched as Jongin knocked on the door of his flat. He was a bit surprised at first, wondering why he was knocking and not using any sort of key of his own, but then the answer came as there were footsteps from behind and then the door swung open to see a taller male with blond hair and a small smile."Hyung w-" he stopped mid-sentence as he noticed Yixing beside him, and his smile quickly disappeared as he gave a small bow and greeting. "H-hello, sorry I didn't see you."Yixing was almost about to say, 'most people don't', but held it back. He was sure the guy seemed familiar, and scanned his brain for any trace of the tall blond male, until he remembered that he was one of the dancers in the group, although he never talked to him and defiantly didn't know his name."Yixing hyung this is Sehun, Sehun this is Yixing hyung, you've seen each over but never talked I guess?"Yixing chuckled lightly as Jongin looked over at his direction specifically, he knew that Yixing wouldn't approach someone because he wanted to, and the fact that he had already learned so much about Yixing and his traits made him smile.Sehun nodded simply, looking a bit shy, until he asked, turning to Yixing's direction with lips pursed, but not in any form of angry way, "Are you staying here?""He's just coming for dinner," Jongin answered instead."Ah, okay, I have enough food then, it's just we don't have any spare beds, if he was staying over..." he gave out a small smile and turned to look at Yixing with the same smile, who returned it, then shook his head. "No, I don't want to be any trouble, thank you for inviting me for dinner though," he returned his gaze back to Jongin who shrugged, walking in and gesturing for Yixing to follow."It's fine, Sehun's making it anyway.""Aish, why don't you make it tonight?!""That's okay, I'm fine."Yixing laughed. He was so beautiful. Yixing sat inside of Jongin's room. They had finished dinner, which was delicious no matter how many times Sehun and Jongin had argued, but in the end Sehun had to leave for a night shift at his job, leaving Yixing and Jongin alone in his apartment. Jongin insisted he had rested before taking him to his flat, refusing for him to walk back there alone in the night, and so Yixing found himself looking over the pictures in his room, trying not to be too nosy as Jongin cleaned up the dishes before taking him back.There were so many scattered of the room, some of him, some of dogs, some of him and the dogs, some posters on the wall of famous dancers and singers, but most of all, there were lots of pictures of people.The people looked like him, and Yixing could only guess that they were his...family.Yixing hardly ever saw his parents, they were always busy with work so he lived with his grandparents, but at the moment he missed his grandparents a lot, and knowing that while Jongin could see his family and call them with ease, Yixing felt an empty pit in his stomach as he always had trouble contacting his grandparents and he couldn't even think about visiting them anytime soon because he had only just arrived into his new home.It was sickening how much he missed China, but at the same time, he was glad to be rid of it, because he had way too many connections and feelings there.Yixing then decided to take a look and lifted himself off the bed, moving towards one of the framed pictures and picking it up gently to inspect it closer.It had a beautiful, crystal and diamond frame appearance, while the picture itself matched the theme perfectly. Yixing noticed Jongin first, wrapped up in warm clothes and had a big scarf almost covering his mouth, and then Yixing's attention went to his arms, which were wrapped around two girls that were only slightly shorter, but looked older. Behind him was a man who looked similar and a lady who had a large grin plastered on her face, and Yixing could only have guessed that they were his parents and the two girls were his sisters. In the background it was white with snow, and even revealed parts of a tree, icicles forming on the end to create a stunning shining effect, and despite them all looking cold they all smiled and looked as bright as the pure white snow.  Yixing's attention was grabbed by the door which suddenly opened, and he eyes Jongin who entered the room, his mouth curving into a slight frown before smiling his usual smile, and limped up to join Yixing who continued to hold onto the picture."That's my favourite," he commented, and reached out a tanned hand that brushed against Yixing's pale one for a moment, to smoothly take the precious looking photo from his grasp. Yixing watched him as he settled it back down on the drawer. "Family?" He guessed, and Jongin nodded, his smile almost looking...sad."My two sisters and parents, one of my sisters was nine years older and the other was five..." his voice distanced itself and Yixing found himself watching as Jongin leaned over the picture and stared holes into it, with an expression he was about to cry.Was, Yixing realised he said; was nine years older.Without even registering what he was doing, the Chinese male found himself bringing out a somewhat shaky hand to rest on Jongin's shoulder as he seemed to be silently battling with himself not to break into tears. Yixing was wrong, so, so, wrong, Jongin couldn't just see his family and call them with ease, in fact they were even further away than Yixing was to his grandparents; the furthest you could ever be to people you loved."I-it was a car accident, d-days after we t-took this ph-photo...I w-was the only one who...survived..." he stammered, his voice shaking more than Yixing's arm as he cried over the picture, memories Yixing couldn't even imagine to be so painful had to be running through Jongin's head. Taking a step closer, and feeling bad for the assumptions he made in his head before, Yixing shortened the distance between them until finally he embraced the taller into a tightening hold, just to make sure he wouldn't fall apart any more, because at least Yixing could hold the pieces together. He had realised that meeting Jongin had showed him how caring he could be, without having to fall in love, he could hold Jongin like that and he could be safe, as well as doing something good.He didn't have to fall in love.He wasn't in love."Please don't waste your life Yixing hyung," Jongin pleaded onto his shoulder."Please." He just needed someone to hold him, to make sure he didn't break anymore. Jongin wasn't at the class today, but then Yixing being Yixing, he continued to practice even after everyone had left, alone. He was normally used to being alone, however after he had currently befriended Jongin and opened up to him more and more, he was more used to seeing the male by his side, with a large grin, bronze skin and a limp, Yixing was sure he would catch the eye of even someone in the street.The day Jongin had opened up about his injury, which was caused by a car accident which killed his family, Yixing had realised Jongin really was like all the other people, but that was okay, because he never really got to know the other people anyway.Jongin was starting to tug on his mind more, which was dangerous, it didn't hurt, but it was both annoying and slightly satisfying, which it wasn't supposed to be, it was just supposed to be annoying.Yixing didn't believe in love, not like he loved Jongin anyway, but the symptoms, those damn symptoms of an illness that can't be cured, they were popping up and Yixing hated it, knowing you are being dragged to your death isn't a pleasant experience, and to Yixing, falling in love felt exactly the same.The latter was forced to stop dancing as the sound of the door opening echoed throughout the studio, and Yixing for the slightest moment hoped it was Jongin, but instead turned to see a different familiar face appearing; it was Sehun, clutching at something in one of his pale hands.Yixing had also slightly became friends with Sehun, not as close as Jongin, since said male was more outgoing, but sometimes they would talk through rehearsals and pass simple conversation, nothing major, even though Sehun did seem fond towards Yixing, Yixing could never see if it was fondness or just curiosity for the younger because he was so quiet, but then, he was just the same.He approached the paused older and once he was close enough, smiled and reached out his hand, to show Yixing's phone settling itself in his palm.I wondered where that went.Yixing said 'wondered' in his mind because he had realised he had lost his phone in the morning, then as soon as he got to dancing it had passed through his mind like fog. He murmured his thanks to the blond dancer and took his phone from his hand, and slipped it into his pocket where it would hopefully stay until he got back home. Sehun started to speak while Yixing packed his things, "It was left in the house, I only noticed because it started ringing like crazy, I think someones trying to call you, I didn't pick it up because I didn't want to invade your privacy," he shuffled his feet slightly and Yixing smiled at his cuteness."It's fine," he replied, and watched as Sehun gave his 'take care' from the other side of the room as he disappeared through the door. Yixing turned his attention back to his phone once he slipped it out of his pocket to check out what Sehun had told him about, and once he unlocked the screen, his mouth gaped open to see the results of leaving his phone over at someone else's place for a night and a half.There were 36 missed calls, 57 unread text messages and 40 voice mails.Yixing grew nervous and tapped in his password to see what exactly had happened, in case it was his grandparents or even worse his parents, but once he saw the text messages, they were all from an anonymous number, the same number, the same message repeated fifty seven times, and he felt the sweat on his forehead grow cold and his knees grow weak as he knew exactly who had sent them.