1/1 (1/1)

It started when I was only seven. He entered the classroom and that was it. He had taken it all already. He was a little boy just like me. He already had this intense look in his eyes and he was so beautiful already. Bang Yongguk. He was popular amongst the other children. I had a group of friends. Were they friends really ? A friend that bullies you and hurts your feelings… can this be called a friend ?I had fallen head over heels for him. Yes, me, Kim Himchan, seven years old, was already in love. Some would think that I was too young to feel such a strong emotion and that it was just a crush that a child could have on his teacher at this age. I used to think so too. But no, I was in love. And it was already tearing my heart in shreds from the inside. It was overwhelming. I would only think about him every second that passed.We talked like little children would talk from time to time. Most of the time, you were mean to me. But again, anyone could say anything to me because I was too shy to stand up for myself. I still remember all of them, I still hate all of them. They made my life my own pool of darkness in which I struggled not to drown in. I was holding on just fine but then you took part in the festivities.I was a bit chubby, fat actually. And you did not spare time into pointing it out. You called me “Fatchan” once and then everyone else followed like the good sheeps they were.  Some would say they were just little kids, what would they know right ? Well I was a kid too. And I understood what was right or wrong already. Maybe they were one of the reasons why I grew up so fast ? Children can be such evil little creatures behind their innocent faces…He kept on making fun of me but my feelings for him didn’t change. They were stronger and stronger. And it hurt.Two years later of torture later, my family and I moved and I changed school even though we stayed in the same city. I was relieved. I was happy that I would never see any of them again. I grew happy at the fact that I wouldn’t see you again.I changed completely. I finally set myself free. I took this change in life as an opportunity to put myself back together. I found myself real friends. The ones who play with you and make you smile. They’re still here, with me, right now. Daehyun, Youngjae, Jongup. They were always there to support me even though I never trusted them.No, I didn’t trust anyone. I became one of those people who are honest  and harsh, short and bad tempered, hard to deal with, uninviting and sharp-tongued. I became one of those people who locked themselves in a shell that was so thick and hard that no one could break it. But those guys managed to sneak in somehow and they liked my cheerful and passionate personality. At rare times I would tell them how I really felt about things. But I never said much.Sometimes I thought about Yongguk. He was still there, sitting in a corner of my mind. I still loved him but now I hated him more than I loved him. Because it was easier this way. Because I realized that he wasn’t worth my tears. Because I realized I was the only one being shaken away by those unsettling emotions. Unrequited love. Unrequited because he didn’t love me back. It was all his fault.And so I made my way to middle school. A year went by in peace. But it didn’t last. The next year, Bang Yongguk was making his big comeback in my life. He was still beautiful and he still made my heart go crazy. I was stunned when I saw you and I didn’t hide it. You took some seconds to recognize me and then smirked smugly. And in one second, all my resolve to forget about you was blown away. I had spent years pushing any thought of you in the back of my mind but here it was all ruined in the blink of an eye.And I became a mess again, lost in a turmoil of contradictory emotions. Love and hate.  It was already going wild in my head. Each one of your glance, each one of your moves, I interpreted and analyzed them. I was standing on two feet now, they were rooted in the ground. I was strong and unshakable. Or so I though.I was still chubby and puberty really wasn’t going easy on me. Soon I had to wear braces along with my glasses. In short, I was fat and ugly. And so a nobody in the school. But I was doing pretty well with Daehyun, Younjae and Jongup. We weren’t really paid attention to and we were fine this way.  But Yongguk was loved and known in the school. In weeks, he had become the favorite of all the cool kids. He was planning make a rap unit with the school’s “superstar”, Choi Junhong. He was full of self-assurance and he became arrogant.One day, I met him on the way home after I dropped Jongup home. He was with one of the many girls that stuck with him. He smirked when he saw me.“Hey Fatchan !”And that was enough to break my soul.I tried to act tough as usual. I made my way to him and grabbed his collar and even tried to slap him but he dodged it.“What’s your fucking problem ?!” I tried to keep my voice calm.“What ?! It’s fun ! If you don’t like than you can go fuck yourself !” He was totally unfazed.He pushed me aside and left with his giggling friend. Just like that. I didn’t even walk ten seconds that I was already sobbing hard. I ran back to Jongup’s and cried my pain away in his arms. I hated you so much and yet I loved you endlessly.After this incident, I was depressed for a month. Daehyun was worried and one day I told him about Yongguk. I had skipped school again that day and on the same afternoon, Daehyun and Youngjae cornered Yongguk and punched him in the face, telling him to stay away from me. Jongup had been a witness (and a supporter) and had told me everything in the evening when he had brought me my homework.  I was shocked and embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to know about my depression but I felt grateful to my friends. When I went back to school, the rumor had spread like wildfire and a lot of people came to show me their support. I hated seeing pity in their eyes.Yongguk was avoiding me at all cost. He wouldn’t even look at me in the eye. To me he looked like he felt guilty and burdened. I even felt bad for him. But then I remembered he had been the one to act like an asshole.Years passed and soon I was entering high school. I finally understood that I was gay. I had never paid attention to the fact that Yongguk was a boy. My love overlooked the gender and that was all. But as I grew older, I noticed I was looking at other boys a little too intently. That’s what made me acknowledge my homosexuality.I had lost a lot of weight and I was now almost too skinny. I was proud of myself for once. Especially when some girls hit on me. But I wasn’t interested in dating. Not if it wasn’t Yongguk. He still was the only one to make my heart beat faster and so my painful love lingered on.Yongguk had grown to be a very handsome young man. His body was sturdy and toned, he was tall and just oozed manliness and charisma and I had to say it turned me on just the slightest. On the other hand,  I was very feminine looking compared to him. I was just a bit shorter and delicate, my deep voice was just a bit higher than his, my fair skin contrasted with his darker one. In all honesty, I thought we could look pretty dashing together. I still had hope that one day he would turn around and see me.But that was until Song Jieun appeared. They were perfect together. She was feminine, pretty and graceful. Everyone was idolizing their couple. And I only snorted at each comment. But most of all, it hurt. It was the only thing this love gave me. Pain. I was the only one suffering.I was in denial for a few months, I hated her, I hated her, I hated her. But then I looked at him closely. I saw how he would smile so genuinely when he was with her, how his eyes would sparkle in adoration when she smiled back at his dazzling gummy smile. And that’s when I decided to loose all hope. No. Himchan and Yongguk would never be together the way I want us to be. There was Himchan. And there was Yongguk and Jieun. And that was the sad truth that I had to accept and that I had accepted. Soon high school was over and I was heading to a new life without any trace of Bang Yongguk in it. I would forget him and move on. I would complete my studies and find myself a nice boyfriend that would love me and only me.Yet that never happened. Five years later, I was still not able to forget him. His intense stare. His beautiful smile. His pretty hands. His broad shoulders. His deep voice. His everything.I didn’t know where he was nor what he was doing. But I knew that he didn’t even have the memory of a Kim Himchan in his mind. I heard he was getting married. With the same Jieun who he loved so dearly.I dared to tell my parents about my sexuality. They kicked me out. Antidepressant pills were the only things that made me go on.A year later, I was diagnosed  with a brain tumor that was inoperable. Every treatment the doctors tried were of no use. I was exhausted.  I had little to no time left.Now that I think about it, I didn’t even know him. I just loved him and I still do now. He was my first love and my last. I don’t know why I love this stranger. I’m too exhausted right now.Yongguk is my biggest regret. Loving him, not being able to make him mine is my biggest regret. This unrequited love is my biggest regret.  Just how broken have I become from this non-existent relationship… ?  My friends are still here with me right now. They have always been there for me. I can faintly hear them crying, I can sense a hand in mine. Yongguk has never been there, he has never cried for me. Then why is it that I can only think about him ?I don’t know. I’m exhausted.I love you, Yongguk, my beautiful stranger.