It’s unfair (1/1)

Chapter 4: It’s unfair   Darkness engulfs his eyes, but he’s willing to embrace it all. Darkness is good. Darkness means no fear of being exposed, no fear of being judged. Darkness means tears can fall and no more holding back. But he’s not ready for the flashbacks. Flashbacks of the indifference on Jin’s face. The rejection in his voice. The “I don’t want him to” from Jungkook. The scowl that always etches across Namjoon’s brow. The avoiding look that never leaves Jungkook’s eyes. And the forever distant treatment from his Hobi hyung. He’s not prepared for the pain either. His head aches thinking about them and everything hurts. The brunette struggles to let air into his lungs as something keeps blocking his nose and the tears keep streaming down. Wave after wave. Taehyung clutches his chest and grasps, out of breath. He slides down the wooden material and falls hard on his butt. He doesn’t lock the door but he knows no one would bother to break in. Jimin maybe used to. But it’s out of the question today. He’s safe in here. But Taehyung was wrong. Darkness is dangerous. It only makes the pain grow. It only makes you feel more helpless. Like you’re being nowhere. You’re lost. You’re forgotten. You’re a goner. Taehyung’s stomach churns at the image of a kicked puppy in his head. He sits there curled up against the door, his knees drawn to his chest, hugging himself. His body jerks with each hiccup. Hatred is going to consume him. He hates them treating him this way. He hates them leaving him in the dark. He hates them not telling him what’s going on. He hates them rejecting him. He hates how they fool him into believing that they care.  But if anything, Taehyung hates having to hate them more than anything. The brunette thinks he needs to start counting now. Counting is good. Counting is a good distraction. Last time when Jungkook left to eat ice cream with Jimin, Taehyung counted till 1002. The brunette was afraid if he didn’t, those hateful thoughts would consume him until he couldn’t help but snap.  Today is no difference. The back of Taehyung’s head soon hits the door at each second and the counting starts.

***

Hoseok and Jungkook may disagree on a lot of things. But there’s one thing they can both agree on. They don’t think they’re comfortable around each other. The brown-haired male can hardly see their maknae the same ever since that day and he doesn’t get it why other 4 members can still treat the younger like nothing happens. They didn’t see it, Hoseok decides. They only know about it.  They don’t understand how disturbing it felt for Hoseok to witness the sight, to have it flash back in his mind every time the youngest appears in his view. The older truly regrets he didn’t punch Jungkook in the face that day. He’s a teenager.  He’s having his hard time. Teenagers have a lot of confusion. Hoseok wanted to punch Namjoon and Jin for their stupid words too. Him? Being confused? He didn’t look so confused to Hoseok at all. The brown-haired male has never seen any teenager that’s more focused than Jungkook. They can’t just say he didn’t know what he was doing! Jungkook always knows what he wants.  And him being a teenager? Can that even make up an excuse? So teenagers can do whatever they want then come back and say, Hey sorry, but teenagers make mistakes? Wasn’t Hoseok just a teenager himself when he first met Taehyung?  It’s unfair. From the moment their seventh member appeared at their dorm and needed a room, Hoseok should have known he can never trust the maknae. But no more worries. He can rest assured now that the brunette is left under Jimin’s watch.  That’s why when seeing Taehyung storm out of Jimin’s door and Jungkook is about to go after the brunette, Hoseok doesn’t have to think twice before pulling the maknae’s arm back forcefully. “Don’t.” The brown-haired male keeps his voice down and he doesn’t remember the last time he has to try so hard to be nice. He isn’t the only one, though. Jungkook fights the urge to talk back as he racks his brain for words that are considered somewhat proper. “I’m just-” “Please.” Hoseok doesn’t seem so patient for the younger’s words of courtesy, though and Jungkook finds the other’s grab tighten around his biceps.  “Stay away from him.” The older hates to look Jungkook straight in the eyes but it’s not like he has other choices. Hoseok must make sure this rascal take his message seriously. Jungkook’s eyes twitch as he feels a flush of anger creep up his neck. Who does he think he is?  He thinks he can do whatever he wants because he’s someone’s favourite?  “Look hyung, I’m just going to check on hi-” “Someone will.” And now he really hates the other cutting him off. Cocky. “You don’t trust me?” “No, we don’t.” Jungkook clenches his fists and pulls at his arm but Hoseok just refuses to let go. “Hyung, don’t you see that I’m trying my best to-” “Then try harder.” Hoseok proclaims and Jungkook just wants to blow up. The maknae grits his teeth, reminding himself that his youngest hyung is upstairs. “Do you know how painf-” “We all do.”  Hoseok growls as he has almost lost all patience with the younger. “And don’t you just get it?” The brown-haired male releases Jungkook’s arm and steps closer, their faces inches apart. “We.don’t.want.you.near.him.” Hoseok grunts every word as he holds the younger’s eyes. Jungkook doesn’t blink, either. His earlier grimace turns into a smirk. “Are you sure it’s them or is it just you being selfish, hyung?” “You want to hear?” Hoseok inches a bit closer. “They don’t want him in your room, and I...”  He tilts his head and whispers in Jungkook’s ears. “don’t want you to even look at him, talk to him, breathe the same air with him, or have anything with him.” The maknae steps back a little, his eyes hold the older’s evenly in challenge.  Me neither. If it was not for their oldest hyung heading downstairs, the two would have drilled hole into each other’s eyes forever. Hoseok takes his jacket from the couch and brushes past the younger, not without leaving his final remark. “I can’t guarantee for your handsome face next time you touch him.” Hoseok didn’t take many steps before Jungkook’s loud voice raised behind him. “And what do you think you’re doing, hyung?” The maknae scoffs and Hoseok hates the way this rascal is going to mock him. “Since you choose to ignore him, please refrain yourself and drop those obnoxious skinship on stage.” Jungkook ignores the way Hoseok’s body stiffen as his voice continues with a seething sarcasm.  “It hurts my eyeballs.” Hoseok finds his hands screwed into fists, and his shoulders shake. But Jungkook has no intent to drop his onslaught. “It.hurts.him.more.” And there Hoseok thinks he’s going to lose it. His face turns purple with rage. An ugly vein pops out on his neck. How dare you boldfaced! If it’s not for your fault... The brown-haired male turns around and Jungkook thinks he sees red in the other’s eyes. Hoseok would have jumped at the other’s face if it was not for Jin’s arms around his waist, pulling him back. “You have no f*cking rights to tell me what to do!” The fuming male finally yells and the oldest member has never had to try so hard to hold a man back. “Hobi, please.” Hoseok ignores Jin’s pleading voice as his forefinger directs at Jungkook’s face accusingly. His shout turns louder. “It’s you who couldn’t calm your f*cking hormone!” “Please don’t, Hobi.” “It’s you who f*cking started this!” “Please, Hobi. Tae’s upstairs!” Jin whisper-shouts as he struggles with Hoseok’s kicking arms and legs. “Let him hear!” Hoseok barks back and Jin can’t stop diverting his eyes upstairs nervously. “Let him hear what his beloved maknae did!” “Ha, now I become his beloved maknae, huh?” Jungkook breaks into a manic laugh as he gazes at the older in challenge. “You sorry ass is jealous!?” It happened too fast. Hoseok slipped out of his grab and mere seconds later, Jin found Jungkook on the floor, blood dripping from his cut lips. “What the-” The oldest runs to stand between the two and covers Hoseok just in time before Jungkook can throw his own punch. It can’t stop them, though. Jin finds himself struggle in between their flying fists and knees and feet. “Stop you two!” “Please!” “Not there!” “You idiots!” “Not in the face!” “Namjoon!” “Namjoon!” It only stopped when the silver-haired male appeared at the scene to give each idiot a headbutt and knocked some senses out of them. “We have two other idiots locking themselves up up there. So if you two don’t mind...STOP F*CKING AROUND!”

***

It’s f*cking unfair. Hoseok brushes the blood off his nose and climbs upstairs, trying not to break the wooden floor with each of his heavy stomps.  How dare him! That cocky maknae! Acting like he did nothing wrong! Accusing me!  He has no f*cking rights! The brown-haired male closes his eyes momentarily, and counts his breath, willing himself to calm down. He’s now in the hallway. Jimin’s door on the left and the closet door on the right. Hoseok looks between the two for a good while before picking one direction and turns the doorknob.

***

It’s cold. Taehyung wakes up to find himself lying on the floor. The temperature is going down. It must be late. The brunette props himself up on his arms and whines lightly. He only remembers counting till 2 thousand something and now his head hurts like hell. Taehyung thinks it must have bled. He nervously palms the back of his head and finds it wet. It’s pitch dark in here and Taehyung can’t see if it’s blood. But from the smell of it, it’s only his sweat. Taehyung breathes out in relief and presses his back against the door again, wrapping himself in his arms. His stomach growls but he doesn’t think he’s going to have dinner today. He’s not ready to leave this hide-out. He’s not ready for the tears either. They keep wetting his cheeks again as his sobs turn louder. But they can’t hear, can they? Taehyung closes his eyes and let the cry take over, not knowing a certain pair of ears is hearing him loud and clear. Outside the closet, another figure slumps against the door. His head turns to the side as his ear presses up against the wooden material, taking in every breath hitch from inside the room. Please don’t cry. He chants, but it’s not like Taehyung has the alien power to hear his mental pleading. The brunette just cries harder and the other finds his own tears start rolling down. Just don’t cry, please. The back of his head hits the door in frustration and for a moment he thought Taehyung may have heard it. But seems like he did not. The crying doesn’t stop.  And between Taehyung’s sobs, he heard his pet name being called out. The male covers his mouth and cries into his palm. The image of a crying Taehyung standing by his bed at night, clutching a pillow to his chest and calls out his name for comfort flashes back in his mind. And never for once he minds welcoming the brunette in his arms and coax him back to sleep. The male stands up abruptly. His hand reaches for the doorknob, but it only hovers over there hesitantly. For a good while he stands there immobile, counting the sobs inside.  Finally, he grabs it. It only takes one flick of a wrist now and the pain will be over. His pain and their pain. But just like what he’s done with Jimin’s door every morning, he lets his arm fall back to his side and he’s about to leave.  Until his name gets heard again. The male clutches his mouth as the tears come striking the second time. Another wave of nausea is coming with the metal and salty taste of blood mixed with tears in his mouth.  He wipes the blood off his bruised lips and drops to his knees. His hands claw onto the wooden piece as he slides down. The sobbing inside stops. Taehyung can feel someone slump against the other side of the door and he holds his breath. Their backs against each other, save for the closed door in between. It’s dark but the dim light from under the door slit tells Taehyung about the presence of a hand. It’s inching closer towards the door crack and the brunette surprises himself when he copies the same action.  His hand timidly inches outside under the slit, yearning for the warm grab of a large palm. But before their pinkies can touch, the intruder changes his mind and the hand disappears.Outside the door, Taehyung can hear the leader’s voice coaxing someone back to his room. The intruder is soon dragged away as he takes various last glances back at the door.One day.I’m going to take you back.

***

“Do you want to talk about it?” Hoseok kneels down before the younger and brushes the fresh tears off his plump, wet cheeks.  “Why don’t you go after him?” The question hurts because the answers hurts and Hoseok ignores it. “What happened?” The brown-haired male sits down beside the younger and rests his back against the bed edge, choosing to change the topic. “Why don’t you go comfort him?” The younger persists with his question and so does Hoseok. “What happened, Jimin?” He asks again, watching Jimin squeeze the human-size lion in his tight hug and let himself fall to the floor, lying on his side. Hoseok feels bad for him. Jimin is his favorite dongsaeng after all. He’s not just a distraction or replacement as Jungkook says he is. Jungkook was wrong. He knows nothing. Though Hoseok doesn’t deny, if he can call Jimin a distraction, the younger is the best distraction ever.  He’s the only one Hoseok finds comfortable being around with these days. Is it because the blonde is an exception?  He can’t stop that awkward feeling with other members. He can’t even talk to Namjoon without arguing these days. Since when did Hoseok see his members as a threat? 4 threats, 1 favorite and 1 stupid. Hoseok thinks that brunette is really stupid. He only knows he favors this, he favors that. He only knows favorite. He doesn’t know any other word. He doesn’t know people can use any stronger word. He only knows my favorite.  That stupid head. “Don’t you want to go comfort him?” Jimin’s voice picks up again. This time more like a murmur to himself than to Hoseok. I want to go comfort him. “He’s crying.” “I can hear it.” “In my head.” Hoseok scoots closer and puts the younger’s head on his lap, running his fingers through the other’s blond hair in comfort. “Did you two fight?” It takes one long second and a good pout before he gets the answer. “He hates me.” Hoseok can’t help smiling at the other’s cute whine. “You know he never hates you.” “He doesn’t want to see my face again.” Another pout and whine and Hoseok finds himself poking the younger’s puffy cheek unconsciously. “You know you two fight and make up each 5 mins, right?” “But it’s one hour already~” Jimin sits up and clutches the front of Hoseok’s shirt, his eyes desperate. “I’ve counted till 3000 something, hyung...b-but he didn’t c-come b-back.” Those desperate eyes turn watery and Hoseok doesn’t hesitate to pull the younger into his chest. “He will.” Hoseok proclaims but Jimin isn’t the one that’s easy to be reassured. “No, he won’t. He won’t. He won’t.” The blonde’s body jerks in his embrace but Hoseok holds him tightly.  “Sh, he will, Jimin. He will.” Hoseok rocks him back and forth and Jimin has stopped struggling but his sobbing doesn’t die down. “H-he won’t.” “You should have known him better.” “You promise?” “Yeah.” “He won’t leave me?” “No.” “You promise?” “Yeah.” “You swear?” “Yeah.” “Or else you’ll turn into a super ugly horse~” “Yeah.” “You promise?” “Yeah.” “100% promise?” “Yeah.” It took many more promises and reassurance before Jimin’s sobs finally died down and he fell asleep on Hoseok’s lap. Some tears on his face weren’t his own.

***

“Do you want to talk about it?” Silence. “I bought you burgers.” A small rustling from the inside. “Two Big King.” A hard swallow. “You know Sejin hyung doesn’t usually buy you two Big King, right?” A silent head nod. But the door doesn’t budge. “Alright, if you don’t want to talk about it…” Taehyung doesn’t know why but he feels somewhat disappointed.  Are you leaving already? Leaving me? “...I’ll go ask Jimin.” Another hard swallow, this time not because of food. “And when I go ask Jimin, I’ll beat him into it.” A louder rustling as Taehyung shifts uncomfortably on his spot. “Literally.” It takes nothing more for the closet door to get yanked open and there appears a startled Taehyung. “No, don’t beat him!” The new intruder smiles inwardly in triumph and before Taehyung can clumsily shut the door again, he wedges his foot into the door and steps inside.   ***

Taehyung takes a timid bite on his favorite burger and looks down sheepishly, watching his own lap. The other has been eyeing him intently for the past minutes and Taehyung can’t help but feeling self-conscious. His hair is wet and unkempt, his eyes swollen, his cheeks damp with fresh tears and his nose has its shade and shape of a big red tomato. Taehyung even sniffs himself. He smells of sweat and desperate. “Aren’t you hungry?” The other eyes the barely touched food in Taehyung’s hands and frowns. Taehyung tends to say no but the bad-timing growling in his stomach tells otherwise. “Or changing your favorite again?” A small head shake and a little fidgeting is all of Taehyung’s response. “It must be you don’t like me buying it then.” “N-No.” Taehyung looks up abruptly with a quick headshake and stutters. When their eyes meet, the brunette quickly looks down again.  The other is still eyeing him encouragingly. Taehyung starts to take one large bite after another. The other’s gaze on him never leaves. The brunette just wants to shrink into his own spot.  Taehyung has sauce smeared all over his mouth; and when his tongue sticks out to lick his own lips, the other finally looks away. The second burger quickly disappears into the hungry boy’s stomach. Taehyung hums and rubs his belly in content, forgetting about the other occupant of the room. The other can’t help a small chuckle and Taehyung’s nose isn’t the only thing that’s tomato red. “You’re welcome, I guess?” Realization dawns on him and Taehyung just turns more beet red as he quickly thanks the older. “Sorry, uh, I-I mean thank you hyung.” The older just hums and it’s all silent again. Each male occupies their own corner of the room, lost for words.  The older had switched on the light bulb above Taehyung’s head when he came in and now the brunette can clearly make out every wood grain on the floor. He starts counting it. One  Two Three Four….….…. Fourteen Fiftten- “Do you want to talk about it now?” The older finally breaks the silence and Taehyung can see those flashbacks come rushing back again, in intense waves. His eyes start to water. He didn’t realize the older had scooted closer to him until he’s kneeling right in front of Taehyung and a pale hand grabs at his chin. His face gets lifted up as a thumb brushes against the corner of his lip, wiping the remaining sauce away. Taehyung’s eyes raise to catch the red-haired male’s gentle gaze and his tears fall. Yoongi leans in as he has the younger’s face in his both hands and brushes every hot tear away. Taehyung goes rigid at their proximity and the intimate touch from his favorite rapper hyung. But he can’t deny he doesn’t like it.  Just when Taehyung thinks he’s going to fall into the older’s welcoming arms and cry into his chest, Jin’s face appears. Taehyung flinches and shoves Yoongi away. “What’s wrong?” Yoongi squints his eyes, not expecting the younger to push him away. The rapper tries reaching out to the brunette but Taehyung just chooses to scramble away from him. “What’s wrong, Taehyung?” Yoongi asks worriedly, watching the younger cower against the wall, mumbling a shaky, “Go away”. Taehyung won’t let him. He won’t let Yoongi touch him. He won’t let Yoongi touch him like Jin did. He won’t let them touch him and throw him away again. But Yoongi won’t let him either. He won’t let Taehyung slip away just like that. He towers over the younger and pins his shaky arms down to the floor. “Hey,” Yoongi coos, hoping Taehyung would stop struggling. “Tell me what’s wrong.” Taehyung wiggles his wrists but Yoongi knows how to make a firm grasp on it. “I will fix it.” Taehyung’s body goes limp as he has stopped struggling. But his eyes well up again. “Stop p-playing with m-me.” Yoongi goes numb for a second and that’s all it takes for Taehyung to push himself up from the floor and runs away to the door.