twelve (1/1)

“Sehun, let’s go to Haeundae.”Sehun turned his face to Luhan with his brows raised, unsure of the smaller male’s statement.It was 16th December. Winter. “You sure? It’s freezing now, and –”Sehun paused, realizing maybe it wasn’t the time for him to say no, he didn’t want regrets. Or, he would rather regret for the better. “Alright, I’ll book the train tickets. Christmas?” Sehun smiled as he held Luhan closer on the couch, letting out a small sigh Sehun knew his smile was faked, and he hoped that they could make it until Christmas. The uncertainties Sehun had, about how much time left with them, how much time which was left with Luhan; he didn’t want to remind himself about it but deep down inside, he hoped they could spend at least the Lunar New Year together. Time was scarce, but how scarce it was, really? Luhan stuffed his face into Sehun’s chest and breathed into it, arms buckling around torsos, cream sweaters exchanging frictions and feet entangled. Was it love, or was it cold, they couldn’t really tell. Luhan’s encephalopathy continued as time ticked. Waking up to the familiar ceiling yet so strange, remembering the leaves were red yesterday and it was already snowing today, holding his cello in position yet he couldn’t read the scores, and, staring at Sehun with a frown, wondering which client Sehun was or since when did Luhan agree to get his business done in a residence. Adapted, Sehun sat at the arm chair staring into the blank while Luhan fidgeted with his fingers panicking at his confusion. It wasn’t that Sehun didn’t want to help or calm Luhan down, he knew he couldn’t, when in Luhan’s mind Sehun was just a stranger. A familiar stranger. Luhan’s mind traveled across time as the cells in his body continue aging and he could wake up being totally fine the next day.Sehun grew used to it.  ♦ As Luhan rested his head on Sehun’s shoulder on the train to Busan, Sehun glanced at his face, admiring his long lashes, his pointy features, his subtle breathing. His eyes then turned towards the other side of the glass, where soft white rain landed on the darting trees. Swish and swoosh, Sehun couldn’t hear it, but his heart did. Perhaps it was too quiet, and the silence grew eerie, Sehun hoped the brittle life clinging onto his arm would wake and chatter up. But seeing the little figure snuggled on his shoulder, he knew the boy was feeling safe, at that very moment, at least Sehun understood that he could fit as Luhan’s hideout, at least he could be there for Luhan.Tears dripped off Sehun’s chin, perhaps it was caused by a myriad of reasons. Tears were never relevant to Sehun before he met Luhan, he didn’t see why one should cry and he never understood the feeling of waking up to swollen lids. Now he knew. It felt like a force strangling his heart his throat his emotions, it felt awful. Sehun wiped the crystal tears away before Luhan wakes up, he was glad that Luhan remembered where they were heading to.They rent a scooter and Luhan buckled his arms around Sehun while they were on their way to the beach.It was freezing cold as the stinging air blasted into their pale faces, Luhan planted his face into Sehun’s back, trying to avoid the pain which was caused by the wind. Hold tight, Sehun ordered, worrying that Luhan might be smacked off with a slight touch of the wind. It didn’t take them long to reach the destination. Calm. And numb. Seagulls were swimming through the air while some trying to prey. The sand was damp. The sky was grey. The breeze was brutal. And footprints were trailing behind the two, vanishing into the waves as they left new ones. It turned rhythmic when everything was washed away every fifth step. Arms hooked and footsteps in unison, it was a slow and romantic walk for Sehun and Luhan. It seemed tiring for Luhan albeit the walk was brief, they chose a rather quiet spot with an empty wooden bench along the sands. “Sehun.” Luhan turned to his partner while squinting his eyes.Sehun’s eyes never left Luhan, he had been watching him all the time because he couldn’t afford to miss a single moment to study Luhan’s face. He brushed off the hair which was covering Luhan’s eyes, maybe it was time for a haircut. Sehun raised his brows hinting the smaller male to continue, he loved seeing him speak, he loved seeing how his eyes were conversing along, he loved seeing the little chapped lips parting and pursing.“Can you do me a favor?”Sehun nodded his head with a grin, if he could, he would grant everything Luhan wished for. “If I died –”“Luhan. Please.” Sehun interrupted him and heaved a deep sigh. His cheeks drooped and forehead began to wrinkle. Arms unbuckled and Sehun drifted his eyes somewhere else. He hated when Luhan brought up about death, he hated when he had to go through tormenting mental rehearsals imagining Luhan dying. He thought he was an asshole to imagine about Luhan’s death, but how could he not?What if Luhan never woke up from his sleep?What if he couldn’t see Luhan ever again?What would he do without Luhan?What would it be like to live a day without hearing Luhan’s voice?What if there won’t be a need to make coffee for two anymore? The closest one to a vanishing life had to get himself ready, for whatever circumstances that may come. He had no choice. “Sehun. Listen to me. Please. Just take this as my request, okay?” Luhan hovered closer as he gently stroked the back of Sehun’s neck.Sehun lowered his head with eyes screwed tight, he didn’t want to listen but he had no choice. “If I died... don’t say goodbye.”Luhan clung onto Sehun and made himself comfortable on his shoulder, or just as comfortable as he could possibly get. Sehun stayed in silence, swallowing up his tears. Perhaps everything was happening too soon.  Perhaps, there was a path Sehun could take to get rid of this agony, a path for both Sehun and Luhan to ride on and forget about reality. What if there was another pair of Sehun and Luhan, who were living like normal boring people who aren’t appreciative of life and were fucking endlessly or fighting over insignificant matters? What if they never met? They could have probably led a good life as well, carrying out their lives in their own ways. Just like how both of them at this minute holding onto each other, hoping time would just pause a little while for them. Just like how strangers around them who had different untold stories wanted time to be reversed or fast-forwarded. People look just the same, living at the very same minute, breathing at the very same second, yet the lives they lived were totally unimaginably distinct. And there they were, sitting side by side acknowledging the presence of each other, connected via the slightest eye contact, faces inches away but thoughts fled miles apart, they understood they’re in this together. Entangled in a little single bed, their bodies were shivering. Why didn’t Luhan want to stay at a better place, a hotel with heater at least, Sehun asked. There was no answer. Neither of them could fall asleep under that temperature, rubbing each other’s palms didn’t suffice, holding each other tight didn’t suffice, a kiss on dried chapped lips, didn’t suffice. It was too cold, fingers went numb, nose blocked, teeth colliding and shivers came inside out. And Sehun came into realization again, love wasn’t enough to heat up the place for Luhan to fall asleep. Luhan propped up on the bed on his elbows and suggest to Sehun that they should watch a movie since it was impossible to fall asleep. He reached for his iPad and there was only one movie stored in that device, Departures. Sehun furrowed his brows upon knowing it was that movie again, then he decided, why not. Better regret for what he did than what he didn’t. He knew he had to live on this thought. Engulfing Luhan in his embrace, Sehun teared towards the end of the movie, he finally understood Luhan’s request. Probably Luhan was obsessed with this movie, death and a hint of beautiful cello music, but it was probably because of the meaning behind each conversation, each gesture and each look in their eyes. Two figures sat close together, under the same roof, sharing the same dry air. One with the immunodeficiency, one without. Hence the difference in thoughts racing through their brains. Both of them were going to end up like the rigid bodies in the movie, sooner or later. Only one would leave earlier, much earlier. It was 4:08 a.m. and drowsiness with heavy lids won over the cold, Sehun pecked Luhan, but Sehun hissed in pain as the cracked vesicle at the corner of his mouth met moisture. It stung. A Merry Christmas soft enough to be heard. A touch light yet warm enough to ignite a smile. A look into the eyes, the tired hazel windows, matched enough to create circles of lights which only belong to each other. They dozed off together. ♦ Christmas Day, Sehun turned to Luhan who was still sleeping in silence, with his left arm numbed under Luhan’s shoulders, he wasn’t sure since when had he gotten used to it. It was unusually cold that late morning, Sehun hoped Luhan wasn’t froze to death over the night. He cupped the smaller male’s cheeks after rubbing his palms warm, yet the boy remained still. It had been three hours since Sehun woke up, he knew it was pointless to wake Luhan up anymore. That day had to come, and it finally happened. Almost crushing Luhan’s bones, Sehun buckled his arms around Luhan because heartbeat was the only thing they could share. Emotions rushed all over Sehun, he started to sob. He pulled his head back to look at the boy who was still asleep, rubbing his cheek with his frozen and stiff thumb, he sobbed harder. The journey home was undeniably painful, as Sehun carried Luhan on his back, his heart felt so heavy whereas the mass carried behind him was almost ignorable. They spent Christmas Day at home, with Sehun staring holes into Luhan not knowing what to do next. Coffee aroma lingered around the apartment, Ethiopia, dripped. It was rather late when Sehun realized that he made coffee for two. The vapor diffused into the air, blending the coffee with Sehun’s tears. Six days before 2013 ended, there weren’t presents, Christmas tree or mistletoe.It finally progressed onto the next stage, coma.  Of days Sehun carried Luhan out to their balcony so Luhan could inhale some fresh air. Of nights Sehun wrapped Luhan in a blanket while pointing at constellations from their balcony. Every supposed dialogue became monologues, when there wouldn’t be any response coming from the doe-eyed boy. However, Sehun still talked to Luhan, he believed that Luhan could hear him, he knew Luhan was listening to him. Hoping that Luhan would open his eyes someday, Sehun rubbed his palms and cupped Luhan’s cheeks every single day. Seeing that Luhan’s eyes were getting blocked by his hair, Sehun snipped off bits of it and ran his fingers through, at least he knew Luhan’s still inside that sleeping body, Luhan was still living. Trimming his nails, shaving his facial hair, taking care of his hygiene, massaging his limbs so they wouldn’t stiffen; Sehun tried his best, and he made sure everything was in place, because he wanted the best for Luhan. Love was the only thing which kept him going. “Xiao Lu, I’ve changed the beans, kind of tired of Ethiopia. I think you might like Brazilian.”“I’m going to clean your cello, it’s getting dusty now. I hope you don’t mind.”“Time to clean you up, big baby!” “Luhan!” Sehun screamed as the bed ridden boy finally opened his eyes, this time, he didn’t forget where he was, he didn’t forget who Sehun was. He woke up to Brazilian aroma. Confused by a little bit, he looked at Sehun with half closed eyes, wondering how long had he been sleeping. Startled, it had been quite long since Sehun actually conversed with Luhan. Exchanging glances, there was so much Sehun wanted to talk about, so much Sehun wanted to pour, but he sat there in silence, marveling at the clarity in Luhan’s hazel eyes that he had longed for. Busy city, crowded streets, air saturated with pollution; yet nothing would affect the beauty emitting from the boy who came back from his dreams. He looked well, because he had been dreaming for six months. Little did Sehun know, Luhan struggled to wake up every day as he heard Sehun’s voice. His voice was a guidance for Luhan to search his way back to reality, and now here he lay awake as fresh as blooming flowers. A sense of sorrow was carried in between their smiles and chuckles, because they kept in mind that Luhan was still a living time bomb. Coffee aroma and cello singing had never blended so well together, everything felt so perfect, everything felt so lovely they wished time could pause for a little while at that very moment. Fingers interlocked so comfortably, they knew they were meant for each other. A silver band with little words engraved on the inside was slid around Luhan’s slender left annulary. There were no creative poems, no party with fancy cakes and no suits and ties. It was a simple vow, a solemn promise. Albeit the ring wasn’t really necessary, Sehun prepared it because it still serves as a symbol of promise, an object to remind both Sehun and Luhan had come this far. A drop of tear rolled off the corner of Luhan’s eyes as his flame was about to disappear. He didn’t want to leave, but he had no choice. It wasn’t fear, but unwillingness. Sehun shared the bed with Luhan, letting the latter rest his head on Sehun’s arm, perhaps this day arrived too soon. His regret was about to come true, he would be regretting real soon that he had loved Luhan too much. However he had one thing he didn't want to regret about.Along with his trembling voice, Sehun turned his face to Luhan and made sure the boy was listening. You’re a lovely flower, Luhan.You’re the strong resolution when I find no peace.You’re the soft words that touch me when I just can’t speak.You… You’re the center of my universe.Of toils and turns we found joy.Fate brought us here, and made us share this journey that changed our lives.It changed me. It changed you. It changed us.And this odyssey shall continue, we will meet again. Flower, a short-lived creature which brings out the colors in life.There lies beauty. There lies fragrance. Along with breeze and radiant, it was the best gift Sehun could ever ask for. Life is a blank canvas, it takes yourself to make up the sketches, but it takes a soulmate to render the colors into the blank spaces between sketches. And Sehun’s canvas is pretty much complete now.He whispered the three words into Luhan’s ear right before the latter shuts his eyes for the last time.I love you. Sincere. Simple. Sad.Luhan got lost in his sleep in Sehun's embrace. ♦ Sehun opens his eyes to a place he’s been before. Ah, stinking sterile ward. And the overly white bed sheets. But he feels so calm, his breathing comes in sync with the beeping of the machines. His chest is no longer painful, he no longer feels the itch in his throat. He heard the door being slid open and the corner of his eyes senses something familiar. Someone. Smiling beautifully at the entrance with the crinkle by his eyes, he waves at Sehun. And Sehun sees that familiar silver band on the boy’s finger. He comes closer to Sehun’s bed and Sehun no longer feels drowsy. His heavy lids flick wide open because he can finally see the face of the boy he missed.“It’s been a while. I have missed you, Luhan.”“I’m here now, you don’t have to be afraid anymore.”“You’re not going to leave me again, will you?”“I promise, I will never leave you again. Because we promised each other to continue our journey, remember?”“And you’re still the center of my universe.”“I’m glad you made it, Sehun.” Oh SeHun. Dead: 10:56 a.m.; Pulmonary sepsis; AIDS. [End]  [a/n: OH MY GOD. FINALLY. AN END. LSDKFJ LDKFJLSD THANK YOU FOR READING GUYS. THANK YOU. By the way, the beach scene was written before EXO Showtime ep 5, and when i saw ep 5 i was like OMGOMG ARE YOU SERIOUS THE BEACH FOR CHRISTMAS IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WROTE and i went cray. AND, I'm sorry, so sorry for the terrible delay because i wanted to end the story with this whole chapter. You can ask me if you have any part you can't understand >< ;; LEAVE A COMMENT. TELL ME. WHAT DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS FIC. I NEED TO KNOW. THANK YOU GUYS. I LOVE YOU. Oh and upvote if you like it? (: ]