Birthday (1/1)

I sat on my couch fiddling with my phone.Today is his birthday.It is the only day in my calendar that doesn't need to be marked yet I know so well. The day that I got my hopes up for what seemed like nothing, but got all that I wanted. The day when I realized how much I really liked him and how much I really wanted to be with him. This year, it falls on a day four days right after our big break up.Do I text him, or do I not?If I do text him, it'll just be kind of awkward... I mean, I'm not too sure he wants to hear from me just yet, but at the same time, if I don't text him... it'll really seem like I don't even want to know him-- proving a lie: that I don't care about him.Nicole looked at me strangely as she typed away at her desk."What are you thinking?" she asked.I made a face at her, still throwing my phone back and forth between my hands."Actually, don't answer that," she paused and eyed my shaking hands, "I know what you're thinking.""Should I?""Well, what would you say to him?""Happy Birthday?" I said, wondering why that was even a question."Wait... it's his birthday?!" She exclaimed.I jumped in my seat, "Yeah...?""You revealed that you cheated on him four days before his birthday?! Tiffany!!!!" She yelled."Look, I know that I shouldn't have and trust me, if there was anything I could do to reverse what had happened, I would," I said."Are you sure? Because by the way things are going now with you and Chansung, everything seems to be going great," she rolled her eyes.I knew that she didn't mean to throw this at me for malicious reasons but because she actually cared about these people... and me."It's just the way things have worked out lately... It's just been.. messy. I mean, ugh, this is so hard to explain," I facepalmed. "I love Taecyeon, but something in me that night just compelled me to do it; I'm just trying to figure out what that something is."She let out a deep sigh, "Listen, I care about Taecyeon and Chansung so much, and I care about you a lot too. I just want you to understand that what happened was deeply upsetting to hear about."I looked at the phone in my hands, "I know.""So what do you want to do now?""What?""Do you want to make up with Taecyeon now and then figure out how that's going to work with Chansung? or are you going to wait until you don't like Chansung anymore to go back and make up with Taecyeon? What if you and Chansung end up realizing that you two were made for each other, you may not ever talk to Taecyeon again.. that is.. if you go by the second choice."I grew nervous. Why did the future have to be so ambiguous?"Well?""I just want to be friends with him again and make him understand that I'm just confused.""You've been confused for the past two years; you've been making him work for you forever," Nicole reasoned."But I want him to know that I'm so sorry," I buried my face in a pillow."Are you satisfied with Chansung?" she asked me in a very serious tone.I stared blankly at her."If you knew that Taecyeon was okay now, would you just stay with Chansung?"I nodded."Are you still in love with Taecyeon?"I remembered all the moments that we've shared together-- how he's made me laugh and held me in the darkest times; he's really been the only person who's ever had enough audacity to get to know my family and try his best to be a part of it as I did with his.I nodded, again."Well, then maybe you should just stay with Chansung for now and see where that takes you; if I were you, I would text him to say happy birthday maybe sprinkled with a little apology," she said.I squinted at my phone, then began texting."Happy Birthday!! I remember you telling me that not very many people remember your birthday, but I won't ever, so..."No, that's dumb... and kind of leading him on... scrap that."Hey; I know it's only been four days since.. that day.. and maybe the wounds are still healing.. but I just wanted to try to help patch up the holes. Happy Birthday, first off. I hope today will be wonderful. I'm sorry that I ruined it for you... Let me know when you want to talk to me again.. if you ever. <:)"That was an apologetic smiley face, okay.I inhaled a deep breath and hit send.Let's hope he'll reply soon."Can I just be completely honest with you, Tiff?" Nicole suddenly piped up."Sure." I nodded."Just as an outsider, and please don't get mad at me when I say this because I'm just trying to understand this as your best friend and roommate," she took a deep breath. "I'm not sure if having sex with Chansung after Taecyeon drove away angrily was the best sign of loving Taecyeon-- if at all a sign."I sat in silence."I mean... You love Taec, right?"I nodded."It hadn't even been two hours before you were already getting in on with someone else..."Ugh. I hate myself. But before she could say anything else to poke at my messy social life, my phone let out a its melody."Come to my house, right now."My heartrate sped up. What?!i looked up at Nicole and gave her a confused and nervous look."What, now?" She bit her lip to prepare herself for the worst."He wants me to go to his house right now," I murmured and my palms grew sweaty."What the hell does that even mean?!" "I have no clue," I sighed, "but I'll have to find out."I stood up and walked to my closet to put on a decent outfit."Wait.. You're not actually going, are you?""Why wouldn't I?" I said as I began to change."Well... Because... What about Chansung?!" She stammered."I know, but I can't just leave things the way they are with Taec.""Tiff, wait," she stood up.I stared blankly at her, tying my hair into a braid."At least tell Chansung first," she said."I can't do that.""Tiffany, you're being dumb right now," she tried to reason again."I know."I grabbed my bag and slipped on my shoes."I'm sorry; I just don't know what I'm doing right now.. and I'm just following what my heart is telling me to do."She sighed, "Don't say I didn't warn you...""I won't." Thirty minutes later I arrived at his house.Cautiously, I knocked on his door. As I stood on the door step, I already felt regret kicking in.The door swung open and his tall figure towered over mine. His face looked stern, but I could tell there was something in him that was at its most vulnerable state.I couldn't lose confidence."Come in."I stepped into the warmth of his house. The dry, cold air outside had frozen my skin; this new warmth was refreshing.Silently, I followed him to the living room. I bit my lip, wondering, waiting.As we sat down on the couch, I awkwardly looked around me, trying to avoid eye-contact with him."Look at me."His deep voice shook me, pulling me to look at him.In his eyes I saw the pain that I had caused. On his lips, words were on the verge of spilling out, but they didn't.I bit my lip harder.For at least five minutes, we sat on his couch, staring at each other, trying to analyze what the other was thinking.Suddenly, I tasted blood. Ugh. I must have cut my lip from biting it so hard. I looked away for a quick moment as I winced from the stinging sensation.He placed a hand on my cheek to direct my eyes back to his; swiftly, he leaned down and kissed me gently on the lips, easing the minor pain. My heart jumped and did backflips.But before I could enjoy it too much, I pulled away.I cleared my throat and blinked twice, "I-I'm s-sorry," I stumbled over my words. "I came to apologize, and to let you know the truth. I didn't get a chance the other day to explain myself or to just try to make things better... even though I probably can't...""Go on...""That night... I was intoxicated, and blacked out; I was partially conscious and made some really dumb decisions. God, if you only knew how much I wanted to be with you that day..." I tried to reorganize my thoughts. "I just wanted to be with someone... and at that point, I realized that I had some feelings for Chansung left that grew stronger when you were away. I do really wish that you were closer to me, or that I was closer to you... If you were, things wouldn't be like this..." I sighed, "I wish this all would have never happened, and I know this is all my fault.""Describe to me what happened," he said calmly."Wh-What?" I was still a little bit nervous."The events of the night," his seriousness scared me a little."Well... we went to the frat party; there, I had some-- maybe too many-- drinks. Jay was busy taking care of Nicole, so Chansung looked after me... and then when we went back to his dorm, we..." I couldn't quite remember as clearly anymore, "no wait, I passed out, then got up to take a shower..."oh no, here comes the worst part."... then I asked him to come to the showers and... we did it."He looked broken in a way I had never seen before. "Taec, I'm so sorry," I whispered."If we did something now," he said in an uncertain voice, "would we be doing the same thing to Chansung as the two of you did to me?"I shook my head immediately.He gave me a confused look."Because I love you," I felt my heart sinking in my chest, "I don't know what I'm doing right now, to be honest. I mean... I thought for some reason that being on a break with you and dating Chansung would solve everything, but man, was I wrong."Ugh; I really do love Taec. I know there's a lot of doubt right now, but I really would do anything to just have him with me, always."So then... do you have to be with Chansung?" he asked."Well... 'have to' is a relative term... When I'm with him, I forget a lot of things...""Like me."My heart swelled with sadness, "No.""So then what?""He's just very... constant..."He grumbled, "Not again.""What?""Do you realize this is exactly what we went through two years ago?"I remembered back to the time when Taecyeon and I had difficulties getting together and when Chansung was always there for me."I'm really just not good enough for you, and I know that; trust me, I do."I grabbed his hand, "No."I kept shaking my head."Stop saying that. Just stop."He looked at me with worry."You can do so much better than me, and I don't want you to, but right now, I'm not exactly doing my part to be there for you.""Do you want to be with Chansung right now?"I hesitantly nodded my head, "But it's all so complicated because... I want to be with you all the time, but when I'm with him, everything else is just non-existent.""Promise me that we'll be together again," I swallowed hard and nodded."Say it."I drew a deep breath. I hated making promises that I wasn't sure I could keep, "I promise."He wrapped his arms around me a gave me a hug. I began to tear up a bit. As the tears began to wet his shirt, he loosened his hold on me to scan my face. With all the power that I had, I tried my best to hold back the tears, but my eyes still glossed over. To avoid letting him see me, I looked away quickly to blink back the tears."I'm sorry about driving away like that the other day," he said."I mean, you had every right to; I probably would have done the same.""No, but I really am sorry; I can only imagine how you felt at that point.""I deserved it.""No, you didn't. You deserved to talk it out like this with me," he combed through my hair.I sat in silence."Are you going to tell Chansung that you were here?"I nodded, "I shouldn't keep secrets. That didn't exactly turn out so well last time."He smiled weakly, confirming the statement."I'm sorry... I forgot to get you something for your birthday..."He chuckled, "At least you're here.""I know, but I should have baked or done something like that," I sighed. "Wait.. where's your family?""They're planning some party for tonight."I pouted at him, "So you're spending the day by yourself?"He nodded, "That's partially why I wanted you to come.""Well then let's do something fun," I smiled, playing with his hand."What do you want to do?""It's your birthday, you choose.""I don't know.""Oh come on, you must want to do something.""Yeah; everything I want to do right now, I can't because you're no longer with me."I gasped quietly."Sorry," he put his face in his palm, "I shouldn't have said that.""No. It's okay," I said, looking down at our hands. "Let's go for a walk," he grabbed my hand and dragged me to the entrance.Slipping on my shoes, I grabbed my bag.He swung the door open, and there stood a girl who looked like she was my age. Before any complicated thoughts could run through my mind, I looked up at him, and he looked down at me. A surprised expression was painted all over his face."Joy?" He asked."Hey!" she waved and smiled at him."What are you doing here?" he looked around her to see if she had walked or drove."I just stopped by to say happy birthday. You're always complaining about how no one remembers... I do!" she smiled at me, "You are?""I'm Tiffany," I suddenly realized that I was not just a by-stander."Nice to meet you, I'm Joy," she shook my hand. "We go to college together, and strangely enough, we knew each other in middle and elementary school."He nodded awkwardly. "Do you want to come in?""Were you guys just about to leave?" she asked."Yeah, but I didn't realize someone was coming to visit.She stepped in from the cold, "Well... if you don't mind..." she directed at me."No! Not at all," I said."I'm sorry, are you guys dating?" she asked.Maybe because it was too soon, but I felt my insides twist. I wasn't sure how to answer so I let him."No; we're not," he said almost too sternly. "Do you want something to drink?""You know, the usual," she smiled at him. Wow, she's really pretty. Wait... she has a 'usual'?He smiled back at her and went into the kitchen to grab her her 'usual'.We walked over to the couch and sat down. From the kitchen we heard a crash; I stood up to check on him. He smiled at me and looked mildly embarassed."Oh my gosh, he's so cute," she smiled at me.I'm sorry, what?"You know back in middle school he and I were in love-- well.. what middle schoolers called love," she giggled.Oh my God, I wanted to cry."I'm sorry if this is weird to share with you," she stopped."No, by all means, continue." Please don't."I keep trying to rekindle that in college, but for some reason, he won't just come around," she sighed, "I don't understand... he was so eager to spend the rest of his life with me back in middle school.""Well... you know.. things change in highschool..." In other words, he met me. Back off."I know.. but I think he's starting to come around.""Really...""Yeah... we actually," she blushed, "did it once in college; we were at a party so I don't know if that really counts."She had better be kidding or I'm leaving right now. I thought he said that they only kissed.... or that he just kissed someone...He came over with her tea, and I stood up."Hey, I actually just realized that I have a paper due tomorrow, so I really have to go back right now.""You're leaving?""Oh no! Don't leave; it's his birthday, and he's always so lonely on these days," she looked at him."Well... You're here to keep him company," I said trying to tame my anger boiling within,"Do you want me to take you back?" He asked, still wondering why I suddenly had the urge to go back."Taec, it's rude to leave a guest here by herself," I put on a fake smile."Do you want me to call a cab for you?" she asked with a sweet voice.Oh how I wanted to slap her. "No, I'll be fine, I think I'll just take the subway," I walked to the door again, swinging it open."Okay, well.. then have a safe trip back to school!" She waved."Wait, Tiff..." he quickly jumped out of his seat and walked over. "Is everything okay?""No," I blinked at him and walked out the door, but then did a touble take, "Actually, wait. I understand that I did wrong to you, but you didn't even tell me the full story on your side... so I just look like the bad person?""Tell you... what?"I looked at her, "Nevermind."I felt his hand wrap around my wrist. "Tell me, right now.""Now's not a good time, Taec."He sighed, "Will you ever tell me then?""Maybe," I pulled my wrist away. "But until then... I really have to go," I tried to sound happy."Fine."I walked out the door and hated the world. I wanted to cry and yell at him, but I couldn't. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------I have so much planned for this story now!! :D I hope you're ready for an emotional rollercoaster.lolI hope you enjoyed reading that!comments and subscriptions are much appreciated!thank you

yellowbee