Chapter One (1/1)

Day One.Entry #1The moment I held you in my arms, I knew I would have a hard time letting go. You looked so beautiful even with your eyes closed. I could see me in your face. I could see your mother in your actions. You were fussy. But I loved that in your mother and I love it in you. You’re perfect and more than everything I wanted in a child.I was so excited to become your daddy. I was ecstatic that you were my daughter. I began to imagine you as a toddler, waddling about. I saw you as a bouncing toddler running away from me as you giggled so that you could avoid going to bed. I saw you confidently marching out of the door for your first day of school. I saw you as a teenager bringing home a boy and declaring that he was your boyfriend. I saw you as a young woman walking down the aisle by my side. And I saw you as a mother. I saw your whole future but the doctors said that everything I saw would be impossible. You don’t know how much I cried. You looked so frail and defenseless in that big incubator. I wanted to take the pain away, I really did, baby. I wanted to be the one to be sick because your mother wanted you more than anyone else. She loved you before you were even made. I loved you, too but I have to admit your mother loved you the most. When we found out that you were growing in your mommy’s tummy, I couldn’t help but wonder if you were a girl or boy. I wondered if you would be a rap lover like me or a strong independent woman like your mother. I wondered if you would love your mother more than me. I wondered what your favorite color would be. I wondered about anything and everything.The moment the doctor told us that you were a girl, I was happy and worried. I was happy to have a daughter to call my own but I was worried because I thought you would take after your mother. Your mother is such a strong woman, physically and emotionally. Dealing with two strong females sounded like a lot of work. But now, I regret thinking about how tiring it might have been. I told you that I cried when we found out you wouldn’t have a future but your mother didn’t. She held in her tears and sobs. She insisted that you were just like her, a strong person. She said that you would pull through and live to be over a hundred years old. I cried even more when I heard her say that because I know her too well. She was putting up a strong front so that she didn’t seem weak. She wanted to be strong for everyone but she couldn’t. When I went back to her room after visiting you in the NICU, I heard her heartbreaking sobs and cries from outside. I didn’t want to make things worse so I sat outside like a coward. We wanted to believe that you really would live to be over a hundred years old but what the doctors told us tore our dreams apart.It hurt more than it should have because you’re our first baby. You are our miracle. We wanted a baby for so long but God would not bless us quickly. I found out that God had been taking His time to create a perfect child for us. But I guess you are so perfect that He wanted you back with him as soon as possible.If you’re wondering, I’m still outside of your mother’s room. She’s still crying. I am, too. Baby, hang in there. Promise me you’ll become a waddling toddler, a confident new student, a boy-loving teenager, a bride, a mother. Just promise me that you’ll make it through this night.Baby, I love you. Your mother loves you. Our whole dang family loves you. So don’t leave behind so many people who love you so dearly. Good night, honey.Good night, Younghae.