Revelations (1/1)

“Are you okay?” Jonghyun asked her anxiously, his face so close to the screen that it made it hard for Gwiboon to focus on her laptop. Shooting a menacing glare at her roommate who was now conveniently distracted by his textbook, she turned back to her brother and sighed. “Yes, I’m fine, Jonghyun-ah. I promise.” He didn’t look convinced and opened his mouth as if to ask again, but his phone began ringing and distracted him momentarily. Jonghyun’s eyes widened slightly at whatever message he had received before he typed in a quick reply and returned his attention to his sister. “I know you think you’re okay, but are you really? If you need me there, I’ll be there as soon as I can! You know that.” Gwiboon smiled fondly at the concern lacing her brother’s words and couldn’t help but feel guilty. She honestly didn’t know how she felt about last night – about the incident that Jonghyun was so worried about – because she was so focused on what had happened after. The memory of Minho’s lips against hers sent a shiver down her body and her hand reached subconsciously to touch her lips. Jonghyun caught the movement and became noticeably more concerned. “Hey, what’s up? You know you can tell me anything.” Gwiboon swallowed, not quite sure what to say. How could she explain that she might have a thing for Minho? “I don’t know, Jongie. I just. Everything here is so different. I feel so different,” she said tiredly, rubbing her temples and shooting an anxious look over at Jinki. Although they were friends, she wasn’t sure how much information she wanted to share with him sitting only feet from her. Jinki glanced up at her silence and looked questioningly at her. “Jinki-ssi, would you mind…giving us some space?” she asked quietly, hoping that he wouldn’t be upset. “Of course! You should talk to your brother! I’ll just go to the library or something.” And with that Jinki gathered his things and left the room, the door clicking shut behind him. Finally alone, Gwiboon looked back at her brother. Although she was glad he was with her, the computer was a poor substitution for the real thing. The computer couldn’t hug her or pat her back comfortingly. The computer couldn’t play with her hair or rock her to sleep. The distance between them felt overwhelmingly stifling, the shock of it hitting straight to her core and causing tears to well at the corner of her eyes before falling freely down her face. Jonghyun shifted forward slightly on the screen, his chair creaking with his movements as he struggled with what to do. Gwiboon could see the pain he felt at not being able to embrace her, could see his own tears beginning to form as the reality of the distance between them hit him, too. “I miss you, Jonghyun-ah. I miss you and appa and eomma. I miss home,” she gasped through her tears. She hadn’t realized just how much until this very moment. “I’m so confused,” she whispered, her voice strained from the effort of crying but still strong. “I-I just…I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore.” Jonghyun, still crying softly, waited for her to continue, knowing that she had more to say. “I-I thought that I loved Taemin – and I do, I really do – but I don’t think I’ve ever really loved myself.” The words hung between them and the reality of them finally hit Gwiboon. For years she had been Gwiboon, the girl stuck in a boy’s body, but that was exactly the problem. She had never fully accepted herself as a whole person; she had always thought of her mind and body as two separate entities constantly at war with one another. It wasn’t until last night that any other possibility had even crossed her mind. Minho’s kind words spoken with such conviction had caused walls she didn’t know she had to come tumbling down. “What do you mean, Gwiboon-ah?” Jonghyun asked softly, his tears finally subsiding. She tried to wrap her mind around what she was thinking but she didn’t know how to put it into words. “I guess I’ve always thought of myself as Gwiboon, the girl living in a boy’s body. I mean sure, I take hormones and have developed-“ she caught herself at the awkward turn in the conversation. Although she and Jonghyun were very close, they rarely talked about her body quite so specifically. “Even though I’ve always felt like a girl, I had this lingering doubt that people would know who I really am…. Like ‘Kibum’ has been haunting me. I was always terrified of the idea of him, but now I’m not so sure….” Her words trailed off, the ensuing silence resonating with the truth behind them. “Oh, Bon Bon,” Jonghyun cooed affectionately, using his favorite endearment for her. Her usual consternation at the nickname was lost in the weight of his gaze, his love for her pouring through the screen and negating any earthly distance that separated them. “I didn’t know that was how you felt. I’m sorry for not knowing, for not helping you see that I love you – we love you – for just being you.” Jonghyun’s words and the truth behind them bounced around her head like a pinball, jolting against what she had thought to believe were her truths but had actually been her defense mechanisms. She had been trying to make herself fit into a hole that couldn’t contain her, trying to stay carefully within the lines even though she had been destined to color outside of them. It would take a while before she could fully process everything that had happened, everything that she was thinking and being told, everything that she was now willing to authentically explore about herself and she was grateful. Grateful for her brother’s unconditional love, for Jinki’s unhesitating friendship, for Minho’s unhindered attention and kind acceptance, and for Taemin’s love. Taemin. The name reverberated through her and she knew that she needed to call him. Knew that she needed to at least try to explain what was happening with her in hopes that he could understand. But of course he would understand. He was one of her oldest friends, the person she was the closest to in every way - aside perhaps from Jonghyun. “I love you so much, Jonghyun. You know that, right? How grateful I am to have you as a brother, as my twin. I don’t know who I would be without you.” The confession fell from her lips, a deep desire for Jonghyun to know just how much he meant to her, had always meant to her. Tears once again fell down Jonghyun’s cheeks, these ones more gentle than overpowering than their previous sobs had been. He simply nodded in response, words not really needed to convey that he felt the same. Smiling wistfully at him, she stuck out her tongue playfully in hopes of cutting through the seriousness of their conversation. “Since when did you start texting Jinki-ah?” Her sly words had the intended affect as her brother sat up straighter and stopped crying, a faint redness beginning to overtake his tear-stained cheeks. “Uh…” Jonghyun’s sudden bashfulness made Gwiboon burst out laughing. Their normal banter followed, with Jonghyun attempting to explain his friendship with Jinki and Gwiboon throwing in jibes at his façade. Happiness once again coursed through her, spreading slowly from the grin on her face to the warmth in her chest until it encompassed her entire body and she was able to finally chip away the heaviness she had been carrying with her for so long. She was excited to begin exploring this new part of herself – of how she thought about herself – and hoped that those she loved would be able to follow.  A/N: Meh. I hope this is okay! There may be more than one more chapter...plus I have an epilogue in mind...but I tend to let the story write itself, let the words lead me as I go, so I'm not quite sure. I hope you like this and feel free to chime in on Gwiboon's identity *crisis/awakening* whatever you want to call it b/c to me that is the main focus of not only this chapter but this fic. Thanks for all of your subs and comments - they keep me going and give me warm fuzzies. uwu