[M] CHRYSALIS (1/2)
Yoongi is the picture of spite. Exhausted, delusional, unable to escape, he barks because he knows he lacks the strength to bite.
"At least get off of me, you fat fuck." Hoseok stings a little with shame, hating that such a petty insult hurts even in a moment like this, when he can barely form a coherent thought.
"Are you gonna run away again?"
"Fuck do you care?" Yoongi snarls, eyes sharp.
"Yoon-"
"Just leave me alone."
"Yoong-" He turns on his side, tries to pull away, but can't, Hoseok, by now, is a little stronger, a little less exhausted, a little more present.
"Are you fucking deaf on top of being dumb as shit? I said, leave me alone. I'm dying. I'm not spending the final moments of my life with you. If you're lucky, he'll come back when I leave, but while I'm still here, I want you to fuck off." Hoseok can no longer ignore the constant and determined distinction between "he" and "I". He guesses, maybe, Yoongi might have multiple personalities, which he knows next to nothing about, but it feels more realistic than...anything else he can come up with at the moment.
"I don't get it, Yoongi. Are you someone else right now? What's going on?" Heart pounding in his chest, hairs on end, overwhelmed tears welling up in his eyes, fingers squeezing so tightly onto Yoongi's shoulders, his entire existence revolves around the upcoming response, around hoping this is the answer, the end.
More stringy red thickness oozes from Yoongi's lips and he tries to cough out whatever is killing him. He only succeeds in hurting himself.
"You're so fucking dense. You must have a really low opinion of him if you think he'd act like this. You're lucky I'm feeling nice right now. Maybe I'll tell you something about myself even he doesn't know. Obviously, this body isn't really mine. He doesn't remember, didn't even think it was real, but he made a deal with me in a dream. You know how deals work, right? Before I met him, he was on the brink of giving up. Aching for fame, working tirelessly just to try to get anyone to listen to his drivel, he was spinning on his little wheel without getting anywhere. Exhausted, heart broken, he begged me to give him the will to keep trying. Begged me to heal his ruined body, to make him strong enough to walk another step, and then another. Begged me to quiet all the little voices in his head telling him that he was worthless, that he would never make it. The little voices that told him to give up and just kill himself already. In return he promised me I could do anything I wanted with the fame, and power, we would both receive. That's how deals work. I moved in and rearranged his chemistry so he didn't trip over his own two feet trying to outrun the dark thoughts, and put a muzzle on those other voices so I was all he heard. He liked me then, when I told him sweetly to stay in the studio, just one more hour, it's almost there, you've almost got it, just another two hours, it's nearly perfect. We got somewhere, together. We were there, I could almost taste it, and, well, he fucked up. Didn't give me what I asked for even though he owed it to me. Greedy, he didn't want to uphold his part of the bargain. Tried to forget I was here, tried to erase what I had done for him, so I changed my tone to make him listen. Let the other voices loose again and fanned the flames as he burned from the inside out. Punishing him. Taking over his body to use for my own agenda was easy, and the less he understood about what was going on, the more he blamed himself. For a long time, he thought I was actually part of him- a voice of encouragement going sour and abandoning positivity because it's too difficult, he's done it to himself before, so many times before- and by the time he realized I was actually a parasite, there wasn't anything he could do. He's here, I can still hear his thoughts, he could still see out of my eyes- something I used to my advantage- but he hasn't been himself for a long time." Hoseok lets confusion wash over him.
"I don't- understand."
"That's because you're stupid." It shrugs his hands off but lays still, far too drained to continue trying to escape. Hurt, tired, near death, it finds delight in Hoseok's broken, confused expression and wants to make him feel even worse.
"Jimin carries us, for sure. Even Jungkook catches onto our routines quicker, sometimes. You know they couldn't even decide whether to make you a singer or a rapper before you started? It's like you're terrible at everything you try." Hoseok just stares at him for a moment, trying to remember their life outside of right now.
"Yeah. You're not telling me anything I haven't heard before." His voice doesn't waver even though he's lying, even though it hurts so bad to hear it come out of Yoongi's mouth.
"No one ever comes here except for me. I brought animals here and took them apart, I hi-"
"Shut up. Stop." Hoseok didn't have a clue when this thing was lying or telling the truth but he knew for sure that it was just trying to fuck with him.
"What are yo-?"
"He's constantly thinking of you, looking for you, you know?" Hoseok doesn't tell him to shut up right away, and that's that. It's in control again despite being pinned on its back.
"Wonders feverishly how he can protect you from me, would have given up entirely if he weren't so worried about how I would treat you. Cries and screams so loud when I get near you, terrified of what I might do. But you'd hardly know it, from the outside, huh? He couldn't even show strength through vulnerability, despite having plenty of chances. For years, you've waited patiently, just like me. Except, I fucking hate him. Time passes and it feels like he hardly budges, doesn't it? No matter how much you open your heart, there's still an infinite amount of things you don't know about him and that he refuses to tell you. I've watched you all this time, watched as you struggled. You're so fucking stupid. You never could find a way in, could you? It's because he could never open the door for you, despite wanting to so goddamn badly. He's a disgusting mess for you. When I'm not rewriting his dreams into horrorshows, he goes on adventures with you. Sometimes he meets you as a child or in a world where neither of you are idols, where it's easy for you to be together. That's what his weak, sentimental subconscious puts together for him. Then, when he's awake, he literally fantasizes about trusting you, crying in your arms, about confessing to you how fucked up, weak, and scared he is, about begging for your help to get out of his own mind somehow. He's sick, you know? This place was a wasteland even before I got here, but he didn't know you back then. Maybe if he had, things might have been different. Too bad you weren't there." Hoseok feels guilty even though there's literally no way he could control when he arrived in Yoongi's life.
"There's so much just sitting on the tip of his tongue, so much he doesn't have the strength to share with you. He wanted to tell you about me so fucking badly but was never brave enough to say it, was so scared that he'd lose the one person that didn't make him feel like a dirty, awful freak. Like he wasn't wired all wrong, a fucked up brain inside of an ugly body. Big mistake, Hoseok. Listen close to this, I know you're just as soft and pathetic as him." He pulls hard on the neck of Hoseok's hoody to drag him down and the disgust is evident in his quiet, low voice. "He imagines being near you always, kissing and holding you. Waking up in your arms. Telling you how he feels, telling other people how he feels about you. Writing songs about you, going on dates with you. The white picket fence, the whole goddamn nine yards. But never for too long, before he starts worrying about wanting too much, before he scares himself. Isn't it astounding, the complete control cowardice has over this weak minded fool, so much so, that he runs away from his own thoughts? Runs away from you, from the things he wants most but doesn't believe he deserves." All of a sudden, the air becomes moist, heavy; it closes in around him and he feels trapped. The thing tugs even harder on Hoseok's hoody, thrusting its hips harshly up against him, who yelps and flinches away, nausea overtaking him as his head spins out of control 30 feet above him. Yoongi's arm slings heavily over Hoseok's neck, his lips pressing closer to his ear, and his hot, humid breath is so wrong and overwhelming. Hoseok is desperate to get away, trying to shove off from the same shoulders he was just holding down. The sound of waterfalls- loud static- chimes in a windstorm- all together echo in his ears and it still doesn't drown out these things he doesn't want to be hearing.
"He makes himself cum to the thought of you. I mean, you know why he likes watching you dance, right? Everything about your body turns him on. There are times when he can't stop himself, being near you all day, it overwhelms him. The way you smell when you sweat, especially, and how wrecked you look after a long, hard practice. Like a fucking animal, he finds somewhere to relieve himself; aches for it all day and is so ashamed afterwards he sometimes cries about it." He says this with a laugh in his voice before pushing up again, finding Hoseok's hips despite his best efforts to worm away.