LARVA (1/1)
By now, he will admit to himself that he finds Yoongi beautiful, absolutely divine. Out of all the reasons why, most striking is how he gets into making music, completely loses himself in the act of creating something. It's magnificent. When he looks through the glass separating the recording booth from the mixing station, the Yoongi he sees ties his stomach into happy little butterfly knots no matter how many times they're there together. Hoseok can stare all he likes when he sings, and when he's listening to the track, and when he's finished or waiting for his next turn. There's something about the way his lips purse against the cap of his pen when he thinks, the way his fingers move across the mixing board- there's something about Yoongi that makes a warm shiver crawl up Hoseok's spine. Yoongi hardly seems to notice and sometimes it feels like staring makes his recordings sound better. Awash with sensations of good fortune, mutual respect, and, admittedly, desire, Hoseok feels alive when he's close to someone so passionate.
If it can be said that Hoseok is blessed by the soft petals of a blossoming crush, Yoongi is pricked by its thorns despite his best efforts. His heart, too, sings when they're near each other and he looks at the way Hoseok moves, at his body, with different eyes than before. Watching Hoseok dance when he should focus on himself in the mirror leads to more missteps, more practicing, more times his face pulses red with shame and disbelief because he literally can't keep his eyes to himself. Like those stupid coming-of-age movies, when someone hides in the bushes to watch someone else skinny dip, he feels gross and immature and he doesn't know what to say when Hoseok asks him what's wrong. Well, he doesn't know then, but he'll be damned if he can't figure it out. He's done feeling like he's always the one struggling, like everything between them comes so easily to Hoseok and he's constantly having to stop and look back to make sure Yoongi is still there with him. Desperate to close the gap, but heavy with the knowledge that he can't push himself harder or move faster, he does something he's never done before: ask the same person for help twice.
"I can't learn this dance."
"It's not that you can't-"
"Well, I haven't so far, have I?" He didn't mean to snap but he's not in the mood for semantics. This had been on his mind, invading the calm of his daily routine, for far too long.
Tangible irony fills the room as he looks anywhere but Hoseok's face.
"I can't stop- watching...you. So it's hard to focus. On what I'm doing. I don't- I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know what to do." He shrugs, settling his focus on the ground in front of the mirrors. Hoseok finds no pleasure in seeing Yoongi so stressed, especially because he's the source of it. Still, he can't help but smile. Yoongi likes the way he dances, and on top of that, he came to him with a problem he actually has a chance of solving.
"Yoongi..." he waits until, reluctantly, Yoongi looks up at him. They're close, perhaps a little bit too close, but Hoseok's breath is warm and smells like strawberry candy and Yoongi's eyes shine with a need for this all to be okay and it's nice that it's not bad for them to be this close, that Hoseok wants to be this close to him.
"There's nothing wrong with- with looking at me, okay? It doesn't bother me," he grins and shrugs, "that's actually kind of what I'm going for, you know?" Relief worms its way under the tight grip on Yoongi's heart, it's nice to feel like maybe none of this is a big deal at all. To feel like there might not be anything wrong with him, with the way he thinks about Hoseok. The dancer smiles and offers an open invition to observe whenever he liked and he can't help but smile back, a little bit, and he feels better. Later on, Hoseok will confess that Yoongi isn't alone in being unable to take his eyes away from the other and his feelings will change again, but for now it's enough to be free from the spell of shame, self hatred, and supposed wrongdoing. Things are different the next time they're all working through the choreography together, when Hoseok looks back and grins quietly, sweetly, when he can stay after and watch him perfect his movements for hours if he'd like.
They both feel inspired just to be close to each other, and this bleeds through their daily existance, to the point that even the way one clears the table for dinner seems to be sweet and artful to the other. Love cushions, sweetens, the air between them but at the same time, they choose to leave certain things unsaid. The time they spend together is orbited constantly by conversations that need more time before they can be shared.
Most of their free time is spent together, but most of their time isn't free and soon promotions start up again. They have so much else to focus on, so much adrenaline all day long, so much riding on how well they do, that it's easy to forget how to be near each other. Hoseok is all bright brashness, Yoongi is nothing but hard edges and laser like focus, and both are entirely zeroed in on their work. They're still side by side, but instead of looking at each other, they're looking toward the same goal.
There are still quiet moments, after the day is said and done, when they share a meal together or brush their teeth at the same time, where they can relax into each others' presence and feel reassured that they're not by themselves any more. These moments are enough when they're neck deep in photoshoots and variety shows and performances. When the pressure is mounting to levels they had never considered possible and they feel like they're spinning out of control, those moments are...not enough.
For years, those moments had been enough but they just aren't any more and Yoongi feels so selfish wanting, needing, to ask for more. He's always had bad days here and there, who doesn't, but it seems like the ratio is so skewed this time. There are so many days that he doesn't feel well, at all, all day. His head hurts so badly, each time his heart pumps it echoes loud in his ears and his brain feels swollen with thick slime. It's impossible for him to sit still, filled to the brim with sourceless anxiety and relentless obsession, his pulse jumping and racing at every little noise. He hears a voice in his head that just repeats everything that's wrong with him, all the bad things he's done, anything it can think of to try to bring him to tears over and over again. He hates it, so, so, so much. It takes all he has not to snap at his friends, not to lose control and yell at everyone to just shut up and leave him alone, to just be quiet please just go away. He gets a few periods of solace, when he feels at peace with himself and his actions, but those moments are few and far between and usually it's because Hoseok is there with him. He's learned a lot about asking for help, but he is still unsure on how to ask for more of those moments. At night he lays in bed and stares at the bunk above him, on the brink of tears, his ears ringing so loudly he can't even close his eyes without getting nauseous. When he does fall asleep, he has what most people would refer to as nightmares. He hates being so dramatic and settles for "bad dreams" instead. He hates being so weak.
He thinks that the level of privacy he keeps is normal, but most people in his life don't appreciate it. To him, things are on a need to know basis, and most people don't need to know most things. Especially if it's things that aren't good, and he feels like a lot of things about himself aren't good. So there are plenty of things he does, that nobody knows why he does them. He appreciates that Hoseok doesn't pester him about them, and that makes it easier to explain himself. Not easy, but a little bit easier. He's never felt that way before and he wants to try opening up instead of shutting down, for once.
Around the dorm, it's common knowledge that he has trouble sleeping, but it's still been all this time before he chooses to tell Hoseok why. He mentions it in passing, during filming for some show, like it's not a big deal. The way darkness collects under his eyes suggests differently, and the way he struggles to even say the words means he's probably only scratching the surface. They don't talk about it any more then, quickly getting called back on set from their break, but later Hoseok asks if having someone next to him when he tried to sleep would help, and he just shrugs, distracted. Most of their conversations work out like this; in stilted bits and pieces, when they both have the time and Yoongi has the strength and the right words. It isn't until a week later that Hoseok is shaken awake at 4am and Yoongi asks if he wants to watch TV on the couch together, eyebrows knit together with humiliation and frustration. Hoseok falls asleep again after 25 minutes of some rerun, but their hands held loosely together and his weight against Yoongi's shoulder is enough for him to want to close his eyes and try. There are countless nights that start like this and they have a number of different endings - most, he catches an hour or two of exhaustion induced, dreamless unconsciousness; some he can't fall asleep at all but somehow being with Hoseok makes him feel okay about it; a few where he is actually able to have a peaceful night's rest; and a handful when he doesn't feel like he can try any more, when he mistakenly cries so hard he shakes Hoseok awake, expecting him to be mad about being woken up again. Hoseok just holds him, creates a space for him to feel safe.
"It's hard to feel like there's something wrong with you, huh?" He sobs a little harder, hates that it's so easy for Hoseok to pin him down. Loves that it's so easy to let Hoseok in when he doesn't have to explain himself.
"Well, I think you're perfect."