Rivers (1/1)

Sunggyu shot his eyes open. It was one of these moments again. He knew this feeling too well and knew that the sleepiness that had left him in a fraction of second wouldn’t go back so soon. He took a deep breath, trying to control that terrifying feeling that was creeping into him. He tried to concentrate on a spot on the ceiling and to stop the negative thoughts to form into his mind, but he knew it was just no use.He should have been used to this at that point, but he wasn’t. He had these crises from time to time, when angst would creep onto his brain and not let him go, a heavy feeling that was compressing his heart. He wanted to cry, but just couldn’t. He could never cry in that state. A knot formed in his throat, as if he were holding back his tears even though it was against his will. It was like his whole body was laughing at him, forcing him to keep this feeling inside, roaming in his head, sweeping any positive thought he could have on its path.Trying to calm his uneven breathing, he suddenly felt like suffocating in his too small room. He sat on his bed, his feet touched the cold floor, but he hesitated. Did he really need to go out? What if someone saw him in that state? He looked around him for a couple of seconds and decided he could definitely not stay in this room. Not when on the wall was hanging a poster of Infinite, all smiling and happy. Not when, on his nightstand, was still the letter he had received from his mother last week, telling him that she was proud of him. Not when his brain took all the beautiful and happy memories, tore them apart, twisted them and made them into a prison whose walls were closing onto him.He stood up as fast as he could and almost ran out of the apartment. He closed the door behind him and, standing on the doorstep, took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the city’s night air. He looked at the scenery in front of him. The road was empty, calm, and really dark despite the street lights. On the other side of the street was the riverbank, disappearing in the darkness of the night. He crossed the street and headed there. He walked down the grassy slope and sat down near the river. The darkness there felt somehow really different from the one of his room. It was less oppressing, calmer.There, he pressed his legs against his chest, hugging them, and let all his thoughts free. He wanted to scream at the stream of negative thoughts that immediately flooded his mind, but the knot was still painfully present in his throat. He looked at the water and wished that it could wash away all his worries and fears just like the few leaves that he saw being taken away by the current. He thought of his fans, of how they screamed every time they went onstage, how they looked so genuinely happy when they got to meet Infinite. He felt the warmth of the spotlights on his skin. He thought of his parents back in his hometown, who were so proud of him and cheering for him, even if he had to leave home so young to realize a dream that they didn’t support. He saw his mother’s warm smile, felt his father’s hand patting his back. He thought of his band mates, who always worked really hard to be able to make everyone’s dreams come true, who went through everything with a smile, because all the pain they had to go through to make their fans happy was worth it. They were just six kids with stars in their eyes, dreams in their minds and hearts on their hands.It would be so easy to make those stars disappear, break their dreams and throw their hearts on the floor, so easy to see his mother’s smile fade away and his father frown at him again, so easy for the fans to turn their backs on the seven of them and never look back. He couldn’t help but think that, even if he was always trying his best, it was probably not enough. His dancing wasn’t good. His looks were far from being as good as those of the other members. And even though he was the main vocal, he would still be out of tune in some songs, or his voice would occasionally crack. He couldn’t even do his job as a leader correctly: he had to be strong, he couldn’t just let fear take over like this. He had to be strong for the others.But overall, he thought of himself. Fame could not last forever, it never did. And one day, when everything would have faded away, when the crowds wouldn’t know their names anymore and there wouldn’t be anyone sneakily taking pictures of them when they were walking in the streets, he would find himself with nothing to hold onto anymore. And that thought terrified him. What would he do? Imagining his life without his fans, his members and his parents’ approval, his life without music, talk shows and promotions made him sink deeper in the dark water of his thoughts.“Hyung?”He jumped in surprise and turned his head in direction of the voice that had just called him. Woohyun.“What are you doing outside in the rain at three in the morning?”Oh. It was raining. He had no idea for how long the water had been falling down from the angry sky or even for how long he had been sitting there on the riverbank, but he realized he was soaking wet. He wanted to answer his friend, to tell him that he was alright and not to worry, but his body still wouldn’t let him make a single sound. However, as soon as Woohyun saw the look on the leader’s face, he understood. He knew, even if he was the only one in the band. He knew about Sunggyu’s angst crises from that day, two years ago, when he found him curled up into a ball on their dorm’s doorstep. Not once had he asked what the older man was so scared about, but he didn’t need to. He just knew it. He carefully took both of his soaking wet friend’s hands in his own and helped him up.“Come on, let’s go home.”Woohyun made his way to the dorm, then to his room, keeping Sunggyu’s left hand in his own. He threw a towel on the latter’s head and started to dry his hair. The leader still hadn’t said a word, but Woohyun knew it was normal when he was in that state. He had that lifeless, expressionless look on his face, but his eyes were full of so many different emotions that Woohyun thought he could never look away from them. He still did when he went away to grab a dry a t-shirt and sweater pants for Sunggyu as well as for himself. He threw the clothes at the older man, who changed immediately. Woohyun did the same, then went to his friend, took his hand and led him to his bed. He sat him down and took him in his arms. It took a few seconds to the other to react and respond to the hug and to nuzzle his head in the broad chest.“It’s okay hyung, I’m here. It’s okay to cry.”And with just these words, Sunggyu felt the knot in his throat untie and his eyes fill with tears. As he was sobbing, pressed tightly against his friend’s chest, he felt like all his fears, all his angst, all his doubts were getting swept away, pouring out in the form of two small salty rivers, leaving his eyes to flow down his cheeks, to the corners of his mouth and finally to his chin, before crashing on Woohyun’s legs. He couldn’t stop the tears that he had been keeping inside for too long, relieved that there was actually someone to see and accept them, and he wondered if the tears were salty because of all the feelings in them.Sunggyu didn’t know for how long he cried or when he fell asleep. But when he opened his eyes the next morning, he smiled at the sight of his friend sleeping next to him, still hugging him. It had been one of these moments again. And as always, Woohyun was there.