Blood, Part I (1/1)

okay FIRST OF ALL!!!! I had this lying around for some time and I'm actually finishing the second part right now, but i didn't know whether i should post it or not because... well.... it's quite unlike the other smut-oneshots I've written (not so fluffy or angsty but more... hardcore i guess??) and i kind of was like... sjkgnaksgnakrg dunno what i just did?!!! uhm it's a bit angsty, but mostly just... okay i'm just going to say it, it's just a bloody, kinky fic, OKAY. and this part doesn't contain any smut but the second part will and if you already find this part gross than i strongly advise you NOT to read the second part and IDKIDKIDK i don't know why i'm posting this fic T____T, i guess writers have to experiment too huh?i\m so sorry for this. it's joonho btw.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Joon stood in front of the mirror, eyeing the stained skin on his chest, running a hand over the straight, crimson cross right above his left nipple. He wasn’t going to be able to hide it. It was going to be a problem. He grabbed the small bottle from his nightstand next to the large mirror and took a small amount of the lotion onto his fingertips, letting it stick to his skin before applying it to his cut wound. He let out a small hiss as the cold, but stinging lotion riled the open cut, but kept rubbing it on and around it anyway. He had to get it healed as soon as possible. He took a last glance at the cross shaped cut wound before letting out an annoyed sigh and grabbing a big dot of lotion this time, spreading it over the palm of his one hand and taking small amounts of it to apply it to the rest of the wounds on his chest and arms. It was a painful but necessary task to do, since that was his price to pay. Every decision has consequences. His was that he had to go through a couple of days without being able to sleep on his stomach or left side. So be it, it’s not like that little bit of discomfort is comparable to what you get in return, he thought to himself, a bitter grimace marring his face, knowing that it had become more of a standard phrase than an encouraging statement these days. He had been contemplating stopping it lately. Not because he wasn’t getting the satisfaction he wanted anymore. No, the pleasure he received had been beyond his imagination every single time he was subjected to it. It was just that it had become such a drag, the aftermath that would last longer and longer, the constant lying, the dying social life it caused. He sighed as he rubbed his hands clean on his bed sheets, they were going to have to get washed anyways, and grabbed his grey t-shirt from the nightstand and carefully slid it on. He felt how the fabric immediately stuck to the lotion on his cuts, so he wavered the shirt away from his chest a couple of times. When he looked down to grab the underside of his shirt once more, and repeat his action, he let out a small cry of abomination. There were clear crimson and red brown stains on the grey shirt, set on the same places the shirt would stuck to his skin where the cuts were placed. Somehow the bloodstains on the shirt made him gag more than the actual cuts and he immediately threw his shirt off, running for the bathroom to throw up. He felt sick, so damn sick of himself. The weakling he felt like, the whore he behaved like. He emptied his stomach into the grey lavatory a couple of times, hanging above it for a while as he tried to collect his thoughts. He had to stop. He was going to stop. This wasn’t worth it, and it was stupid to ever believe it would be. Oh my, did  you fuck yourself up, Chang Sun, he thought as he crawled to the sink, pulling himself up by the marble structure and looking at his own reflection in the mirror. He splashed some welcome water into his face and took in his droplet covered features. Sure, there were still some traces left of that handsome, naughty looking boy he used to be. But he found it harder and harder to recognize the cheeky smile his lips used to stand in and he came to the sad realization that the twinkling in his eyes had left for good. He bit his lip to suppress his sudden need to cry, face turning hard again as he remembered that he had no right, no right whatsoever to feel sorry for himself. You brought this upon yourself. You wanted this. Why are you standing here, wanting to cry like a little girl? You are pathetic. He growled and wiped the water drops of his face, not bothering to dry himself off with a towel and went back into the hotel room. What was waiting for him there startled him so much he froze in the door opening of his room, and then he felt one hand covering his mouth and one hand grabbing his shoulders. He didn’t even struggle, knowing that the best way to get this over with was to just cooperate, confirm everything the other would say and let out a moan here and there. His hands were tied to the bed frame and he felt how the cloth rubbed against his already irritated wrists. He let out a mutter of anger at the realization that he had been in this position only hours earlier and that he wasn’t recovered from that yet. His wrists were going to bleed for sure. What he was most displeased about was how despite all the self loathing and determination to stop he had a while ago, he still felt himself reacting in anticipation to the cold metal that he felt against his palm, knowing that he had grasped this cold bed frame in both agony and pleasure many times before. The promise in the metal that was pressing against his hand and the way his body shivered at the memories it brought up made him sick and excited at the same time. He felt dirty. He hadn’t even had his second shower yet. He hadn’t even slept yet.‘Didn’t expect to be back in this position so soon?’ he heard the familiar voice whispering in his ear from the side and he didn’t bother turning his head to see who it was. The sight of the beautiful man next to him would only make this harder for him, would only make him more confused about whether he actually liked it or not. Because honestly, somewhere along the way he had really forgotten his real intensions, his real reasons for returning to this godforsaken hellhole, and found himself lost in a whirlwind of pain, disappointment, disgust, and of course that damn pleasure, so much horrible, wretched pleasure. As he contemplated using the safe word and ending this cycle right here and now, he felt a stinging pain at the left side of his waist, a combination of steely cold and a sharp electric prickling immediately setting his body on fire. And then it hit him. In a sudden moment of clarity he saw that he wasn’t lost, not a whore, not a poor excuse of a man, not a crazy guy with more kinks than his body could handle. He didn’t see a future of soulless pleasure and decay too quick for his own good. He saw something different, something that made him a lot more scared and sad, but also relieved at the same time and he felt the air leaving his lungs without returning as it hit him. Because it hit him hard. And it felt… so new. And overwhelming. And fresh. Pure. It felt pure.‘Apple tree,’ he muttered, turning his gaze to the blonde man who was busy grabbing another set of knives to torture him with and he smirked as the two eyes (those deep dark pools of mystery and beauty) looked at him in surprise. He realized he had said it almost too calm to be taken seriously, but he nodded and there was a small moment of silence before the man got up from his squatting position, put on a shirt to cover his bare chest and started to unleash Joon from the bed frame. When his wrists were untied and he sat back up he looked at the young man in front of him scratching his head, obviously not knowing what to do with the situation before putting the knives back into their holders.‘Seung Ho,’ Joon whispered, noticing how the man froze immediately at the mention of his name and turning around slowly, shocked eyes drilling right through his soul and plump lips red from the blood he had been sucking up through their skin.‘How do you know my name?’ the young man asked as he got up, still eyeing Joon in both anger and fear as he let out slow but ragged breaths. Joon smiled at him, a tired and slow smile.‘I think we both know I’ve been aware of who you are for quite some time now,’ he said as he ran a hand through his hair. He felt the sticky strands indicating he hadn’t washed it in too long, not taking his eyes of the pale skin on the man’s forehead that was folded into a frown. He looked so beautiful, like an angel created for his eyes only to admire, as he thought about Joon’s words, his blonde hair tickling his darker eyebrows as he blinked with his long eyelashes. God, he’s stunning, Joon thought as Seung Ho looked up at him, taking away his breath. To Joon’s surprise he sat down next to him on the bed, taking Joon’s hand and putting a slender finger on one of the cuts of his tanned forearm.‘Why? Why do you want this?’ he asked, tracing a finger down the pattern of the cut, making Joon bite his lip as the touch was more sensual and arousing than anything he had ever experienced in his long list of things he had done to achieve that ultimate pleasure he was searching for. It left the scarred man breathless.‘I don’t see why you would want it. I do it because I’m told but I don’t want to. I feel like I’m hurting you in more ways than just physically and I hate it.’ The man was now caressing all the visible scars and cuts on Joon’s arm and Joon nodded in agreement, knowing that the blonde man was right. He was so right.‘At first it was for kicks. Wanting to try something new,’ he admitted, eyeing the long fingers that touched his biceps, highly aware of how close the older man brought his hand to his neck and chest. Seung Ho looked up at him.‘Three months.’ It broke Joon’s heart, hearing it from him. Three months. He had wasted three months in here, on the edge of sanity and sometimes on the edge of death as he let himself be tortured and abused only to find that thrill… that one thrill that was supposed to make it all worth it but never came to him, only peeked around the corner when he was tied down, filled up and screaming from the top of his lungs in a mixture of horrible pain and disgusting pleasure, unable to actually grab that what he was looking for. But he knew why he had done it now. Now it all made sense. It was actually kind of funny really, the irony of it all and how it had confused him so much. He could never grab what he wanted, when he was only focusing on what he thought he wanted. It was really simple. So close and yet so far away, but only it was actually that it had always been there, and he hadn’t looked at it. It was a matter of looking past the length of his own nose. If he had paid attention, thought about it logically instead of using it to feed his depression and pessimism, he would have come to this conclusion so much earlier. He smiled. He smiled at his own stupidity and the irony of it all and took Seung Ho’s hand in his own, making the blonde man jerk his head up in surprise, immediately trying to withdraw his hand.‘Don’t be scared,’ Joon mouthed as he clenched his hands around Seung Ho’s, not wanting to let go.‘Let me go. That I feel sorry for you doesn’t mean that I-’‘I love you.’ There was a long silence. Joon closed his eyes, the smile still on his lips as he felt the hand of Seung Ho relaxing in between his palms and he waited for the response of the other man. There was a series of movements as Seung Ho suddenly released his hand, got up from the bed and slapped him in the face hard. Joon yelped, flying with his back onto the mattress from the impact of being hit in the face, surprised by the huge strength of the blonde man that was now crawling on top of him and pinning him to the bed with his arms above his head.‘You crazy son of a bitch,’ he hissed and Joon felt all his limbs turning stone cold at the loathing in Seung Ho’s voice.‘You insane, godforsaken piece of shit.’‘You don’t understand… Seung Ho, please!’ he pleaded, but he got shut up by the plump lips on his own, not able to enjoy the flesh that usually made him tingle all over his body and sent heat waves through his whole mouth. The feeling was now angry and harsh, not enjoyable.‘You want this? You want me to kiss you and tell you that I love you too? You sick bastard, do you even know how much I loathe you?’ Seung Ho whispered with a snakelike tone into his ear and Joon found himself struggling against the older man’s grasp, but he knew he would be unable to win. Seung Ho had been selected on his size and strength and he was tested to be stronger than him. He had dug his own grave.‘I have to serve sick sons of bitches like you by cutting you open like a pig ready for slaughter, and instead of crying of pain you moan in pleasure…’‘It’s not like that!’‘You like it when I cut you open and then fuck you senseless. That’s it right? But you don’t see how disgusted I feel, how I want to vomit every time I see that look on your face when you taste your own blood in your mouth when I fuck you. You make me sick. Sick to my fucking stomach,’ Seung Ho hissed and Joon froze as he heard the words, feeling still scared but now also ashamed, lost, guilty. He felt guilty. Seung Ho’s grip on him weakened and he found himself being sat straight up by the older man, immediately reaching for his bruised lips as he panted heavily. He felt how Seung Ho looked at him, eyed his reaction to his outburst and contemplated his next move. He turned to the blonde young man and felt his heart drop at not only the look of anger, but also helplessness on his face. For the first time he wondered how Seung Ho had ended up here in this place, serving crazy fools like himself and getting paid for the most unmentionable of practices. Lust and insanity were the only two things you could most definitely find in here, so how could this angel, this young god with his pure beauty and innocent eyes, end up here? And most of all why hadn’t he ever asked himself this before? Was he too busy sulking over his own displeasure in life? Was he too busy losing himself in yet another dangerous thrill? Were his adrenaline rushes dearer to him that the boy who had kept him coming here? He sighed as he resisted the urge to stroke Seung Ho’s puffy cheek and he answered the look of the older man.‘I’m sorry,’ he breathed. He saw Seung Ho jerking his head back in surprise, probably not expecting this at all.‘I’m so sorry…’‘What… you- why..?’‘I…I- I have been losing myself in this place for too long now and it has poisoned my mind, my sense of reality,’ Joon spoke, not taking his eyes of the blonde man whose large eyes were staring at him in disbelief, still looking like a helpless baby deer.‘This is not who I am, Seung Ho. I am not some whore, who likes to get abused and lets himself be driven into insanity because of his own kinks and fantasies. I am not a bad man…’ Seung Ho looked at him tentatively, not knowing what to say.‘You have enchanted me. Even when you hurt me and abused me, as I wanted you to do since I didn’t know how else to get close to you, you bewitched me. I come back here because here I find my favorite drug, but it’s not your practices, it’s not your way of giving sick men like myself the pleasure that we do not deserve. It’s you. Your face and your touch and the way you breath against my skin when you do those horrible things to me, not the knives, not the cuts. Not the blood, Seung Ho, but you.’‘Stop…’ Seung Ho was looking away from him but Joon had seen the tear falling from his eye. He grabbed the older man’s hand, holding it between his palms like he had done minutes ago.‘I am not lying when I tell you that I love you. It’s not a misconception of the pleasure you have given me. I wanted to stop. Right before you pinned me back against the bed I threw up and wanted to stop it. Do you know why I let you take me again, Seung Ho?’‘Stop it… No more…’ Seung Ho pleaded, still looking away from the younger one, not wanting to face the man he had secretly worried about but also angered himself over so often because of the way he was destroying himself, killing all that was left of a good soul inside of him, dying a little more every time he ordered Seung Ho to hurt him like that.‘Because I couldn’t resist you… I could care less about the blades and toys. I only care about you. I come back here because of you.’ Joon watched Seung Ho turn back to face him as he spoke and then he felt the most heavenly feeling on his skin. It was the hand of Seung Ho now covering his own. --TBC--