[M] Chapter 20 (1/1)

When Gikwang was alone with Seungho, the guilt just came flooding back. He sighed and moved the teenager’s body into a more comfortable position so that he wouldn’t get cramps in the morning. Seungho stirred at being touched and woke up, opening his eyes and glaring at his hyung. Gikwang frowned, not meaning to wake the boy up.“I’m sorry..” he whispered.“For waking me up or for running off without a word?” Seungho croaked, his eyes like daggers. Gikwang gulped and looked down. “Look at me.” The teenager demanded.“Everything.. Seungho it’s killing me seeing you like this-““It’s killing you?” Seungho laughed bitterly. “You do realise I’m the one that’s actually going to die?”“You’re not. I’m not going to let that happen. I’m not letting you go too. I know I wasn’t there when you and the others needed me, but I’m going to be here from now on. Part of being here is making sure I do everything I can to make you better. I promised the other boys that you will pull through this-““What’s another broken promise?” the teenager hissed. “I don’t blame you for me being sick- that was Seunghyun. I don’t even blame you for running away. Hell, we all would if we had half the chance. Anyway, you had no choice. I was older than the others and I know you wouldn’t be sat here today if Narsha hadn’t have grabbed you. What I do blame you for is turning a blind eye on all of us when you found your new perfect life. You.. you were out, safe, healthy. You could’ve checked to see if we were ok, told the authorities about the conditions there, written to us- anything. But you didn’t.” his weak voice trailed off. Gikwang shuffled on his seat, uncomfortable under Seungho’s insistent stare.“Seungho..”“You know what the worst part was? As soon as you left the little ones all looked straight to me. I know I always thought I wanted to be a leader, but I was eight. I never expected to have to actually be the leader. One moment I had somebody to lean on and the next I was falling straight on my face, forced to take over hyung duties and look after all of these really dependant toddlers. I had no idea what to do, not a clue. Not only that, but the fact that I knew they didn’t really want me to look after them. They cried for you for years, asking me over and over and over again when you would be coming back. It hurt, because I knew you weren’t coming back and yet they ignored everything I did for them because they were missing you so much.”“I never meant for any of that to happen.. I was an idiot and I was scared of going back-““You didn’t have to visit. Even a letter once a week or once a month would’ve given me at least some strength and reassurance. It would have given all of us some clarity, too. I was so scared that something had happened to you. We didn’t know if you had gotten away safely. You could have died and we wouldn’t ever have known…” Seungho scrunched his eyes shut, not wanting to show Gikwang how close he was to crying.“You must really hate me..” Gikwang sighed. “You’re right and you have every right to be angry with me.. I was so selfish and such a coward.. I’ve never regretted anything more in my whole life than not keeping in touch and not making sure you were all doing ok..” He averted his gaze, looking guiltily at his feet and resting his forehead in his hand. Seungho watched him carefully, trying to tell whether his hyung was being genuine or not. He softened as he heard the muffled sobbing noises.“Kiki hyung,” he started, losing the angry edge of his voice. Gikwang wiped his eyes and looked at the teenager, shocked that he had used his old nickname. “I don’t hate you. I’ve never hated you. I’m angry and I’ve been angry for eight years, so it won’t be easy for me to fully forgive you, but I don’t hate you at all.”“You don’t?” Gikwang asked, his bloodshot eyes wide and surprised. Seungho shook his head slowly, careful not to move too much so as not to hurt himself.“Of course not. You’re family. You and Doojoonie worked so hard to look after us day in, day out. I realise that now and I realise that I never properly thanked you. What I felt more than anything, even more than anger, was betrayal. I couldn’t shake the feeling that you didn’t care about us, to the point that it hurt. I understand why you did it and why you never came back, but that doesn’t erase the disappointment.”“I would understand if you never forgave me. I’ve been living so close to the orphanage and I can’t believe it’s taken me so many years to see you all again.. I’m angry at myself more than any of you could be, believe me.I don’t think I’ll ever stop wishing I did something more to help..” Gikwang covered his eyes with his hands and took a shaky breath. “Seungho, I’m so sorry.. I’m so, so s-sorry..”The teenager groaned a little as he moved his hand to rest on Gikwang’s knee. “I know you’re sorry, Kiki. I can see that you mean it. I appreciate that, I really do. I wish I could just drop everything and forgive you right now, but it’s going to take time. Keep showing me that you mean it, try and do something to help the rest of those children in that hell of a place, just don’t beat yourself up too much about it. You’ve been an idiot, but if we hated you, we wouldn’t have been so upset when you left. You’re late, but at least you’re doing something about it now rather than never at all. You’re a good man, Kiki hyung.” He said earnestly, not liking to see his hyung look so sad, even if he had made huge mistakes in the past.“When did you get so grown up?” Gikwang sniffed, blinking away the tears and giving Seungho a small smile. “I don’t deserve you being so nice, but  I’m going to do everything I can to shut that orphanage down and get those children out of there. I’m not letting you down again.”“Good. That’s all I can ask from you. We can’t change what’s already happened, but it looks like you’re doing a lot to change the future. That’s big of you.. Don’t think just because I’m angry that I don’t see how hard you’re trying to make this right.. even though you have a family of your own to think about now..”“I’ve always had a family to think about, and you and the children have always been part of it.” The young man replied fondly, giving Seungho’s hand a squeeze. “I missed you all so much..”“We missed you too.. and Doojoonie.. I’ve never been able to forget that night.”“Me neither..”There was a short pause before Gikwang heard Seungho’s breath hitch in his throat. “K-Kiki.. please.. please don’t let me d-die.. I don’t want to die..” he suddenly croaked out, balling his fists. Gikwang was taken aback, pain shooting through his heart. He cupped Seungho’s face in his hands and wiped the tears from his bony cheeks.“Don’t think for one second that I’m going to let you die. You’re not going anywhere. I’ve got you here and I’m not letting go. Don’t even be scared of dying because it’s not happening to you for a very long time.” He soothed, moving the sweaty hair from Seungho’s forehead. The teenager looked up at him exactly like he used to when he was little, his expression so desperate and expectant. He had missed out on so much of his childhood because he suddenly had to look after all the little children, and he had never looked more like a child to Gikwang than at that moment. The young man saw just how much Seungho needed him through that one expression.The two stayed like that for a while as the teenager calmed down, his breathing returning back to normal. Gikwang pulled back once he was sure Seungho was calm again.“Kiki..” the teenager began sleepily. “Don’t tell the others I cried..” Gikwang chuckled.“Of course not, though I’ve been crying all day. There’s really nothing to be ashamed of.” He reminded him gently. Seungho nodded and yawned. “It’s getting late. You need to rest a lot so we can get you better quickly.”“You won’t leave, right?”“Of course not. I’ll be sleeping on the armchair down here tonight. If you feel anything out of the ordinary or just want  drink, just call out and I’ll be there.”“Ok, good..” Seungho mumbled.“Sleep well, dongsaeng. Don’t worry about anything.”“Night, Kiki hyung..”Gikwang pulled the blankets over the boy’s shoulders and plumped up his pillow more, making sure he was warm and completely comfortable. After seeing to Seungho, he walked to the armchair and curled up, watching the boy to see if he was getting to sleep alright before feeling his own heavy eyes close and his brain shutting down.Upstairs, Taecyeon couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Seungho downstairs. It had been so long since he had seen the other boy and he couldn’t believe that what happened to Doojoon looked like it was repeating itself. He tossed and turned, images of the deep cuts and burning infection that were crawling over his hyung’s back. The short bursts of sleep he did manage to catch were filled with nightmares; short snapshots of the night Doojoon died flashing through his mind, Doojoon’s face slowly morphing into Seungho’s each time he saw the dead body. He shivered and sat up, cold sweats clinging to his skin. He looked beside him to see Narsha fast asleep and got a fright at first, his sleepy brain tricking him into thinking she was sick too. The boy flinched at each shadow on the wall and pulled off his sheets, deciding that he couldn’t stay in the dark room any longer. He walked downstairs quickly, trying not to concentrate on the dark and rushing to get to the living room where he knew he would feel safe.Without even thinking, he slipped onto the sofa next to Seungho and pulled the blanket over himself too, cuddling up to the hyung he had missed. Seungho woke up at the new warm thing snuggling up to him and had a mild freak-out as he tried to figure out who it was. Catching sight of the short, tufty black hair and sticking out ears, he smiled and put his arms around the younger boy.“Taec?” he whispered. Taecyeon blinked up at him.“Hyung, I missed you..” he replied sadly. Seungho nodded.“I missed you too, Taecie. Just look at you! You grew up!” he exclaimed under his breath. Unlike his first assumption, he had no anger towards the boy at all. Seeing him now just pushed any jealousy or envy he had towards the boy out of his mind. It wasn’t his fault he was scared, after all. Taecyeon grinned, showing off his forward teeth. “Though, you’re still just as sweet as ever. Don’t ever grow up fully, ok?” Taecyeon sniffed, a few tears running from his eyes.“I don’t want you to be sick, h-hyung..”“Yeah, I’m not liking it too much either.” Seungho joked weakly. “Anyway, let’s not talk about sad things. I’m tired and you just woke me up, you little rascal.” He tickled Taecyeon’s neck, making the boy giggle.“I’m tired too, I couldn’t sleep.”“Well, let’s sleep now. I want you to tell me all about living here in the morning.” Seungho said gently. Taecyeon nodded and yawned, falling asleep almost instantly in the teenager’s arms. Seungho smiled and closed his eyes, hoping that he would be well again before long.Haneul yawned and stretched, the sun pouring over her face and waking her up. She blinked at the ceiling and hugged Blue tightly, her way of saying good morning to the fluffy bear. When she had had enough of fidgeting around in bed, she threw back the sheets and decided to go and find Taecyeon so she could rope him into a game of some sort. She smiled at the thought and hopped out of bed, sliding her feet into her slippers and padding off towards Taecyeon and Narsha’s room. She poked her head round the door and was all set to pounce on the boy and drag him downstairs to play, when she realised he wasn’t there at all. She frowned and pouted. Narsha, who was flicking through a book, looked over and smiled at her.“Hello, Hannie! Looking for Taec?” she asked. Haneul nodded.“Do you know where he is, unnie?” Narsha shook her head.“Ah, I’m sorry sweetie. I really don’t know. He wasn’t here when I woke up. Why don’t you try looking downstairs? He might be talking with Seungho.” She suggested. Haneul nodded and dashed off, almost tripping over her own feet to get downstairs. On her way down, she bumped into Gikwang, who had woken up and was going to get himself a drink.“Morning, princess!” he greeted, smiling.“Da, is Taecyeon in there?” Gikwang nodded. Haneul’s face lit up and she skipped off to the living room. Her energy soon turned into shyness as she saw Seungho and Taecyeon having a conversation. Her eyes widened and she held her hands behind her back, not wanting to disturb them but desperately wanting to play. Seungho looked up at her, not knowing who she was. He tilted his head to the side and his mouth opened slightly as the realisation set in. He would recognise those eye-whites and cheekbones anywhere. If it weren’t for the extremely plump lips and Gikwang’s nose, he would’ve sworn it was Doojoon come back from the dead in the form of a little girl. He shook his head, dazed. So this was his hyungs’ famous baby. Not much of a baby anymore, of course. He smiled at her, realising he must’ve been looking quite scary as he studied her. She chewed on her bottom lip, pulling a very Gikwang face before deciding Seungho was friendly and smiling brightly, her eyes turning up into familiar crescents. Seungho grinned, unable to believe just how like her parents the little girl was.“Hello, you must be Kiki hyung’s daughter?” he said softly. Haneul nodded happily.“Yes, my name is Haneul!” she introduced herself, bowing. Seungho smiled at her politeness. “You are Seungho?”“That I am.” He replied. Taecyeon beckoned her over.“Hannie, come here. We were just talking about Doojoonie. Would you like to know some more about him? He always looked after us, see. We can even tell you about Kiki if you’d like.” He offered kindly. She nodded and ran over, sitting on her knees and staring up at Seungho.The two boys talked until Doctor Yang came to visit, Haneul listening carefully the whole time. She had only ever really talked about her parents with Narsha and Gikwang himself, so it was nice to get a different perspective. She giggled at all the stories of how Doojoon used to set up little sporting competitions in the tiny rooms whenever they had spare time, using pillows as footballs and creating obstacle courses with their bed-sheets. She smiled at the tales of how Gikwang would always make sure every single child got enough sleep, even to the point of being scolded by the master for waking them up too late. She tried not to cry at the recollections of how Doojoon and Gikwang were by each other’s sides no matter what, sticking together throughout the years and always being that reliable team the little ones could rely on. The conversation really made her feel closer, not only to Doojoon, but to Gikwang, too. It was like she suddenly understood why he was the way he was, like she suddenly knew him better. Seungho told it all with such detail, painting a perfectly clear picture of each new scene he was talking about, to the point that even he and Taecyeon were in tears.Seungho also felt different after having this conversation. Just being around Haneul made him realise just how hard Gikwang had worked to bring her up so well. The little girl was so polite, so clever, so utterly sure of herself yet modest at the same time. Seungho knew that Doojoon would be more than proud of Gikwang. A few more shreds of his anger towards his hyung disappeared with getting to know Haneul, because this child made him understand that Gikwang wouldn’t just have been putting his own life in danger by going back to the orphanage, he would have been putting Haneul, Narsha, Taecyeon and even Dongwoon in danger too.When Doctor Yang arrived, Taecyeon took Haneul out of the living room, prizing her away from her now beloved Seungho. Taecyeon smiled; it was relieving to know the teenager was strong enough to talk for so long, and meeting Haneul really seemed to have cheered him up. He ruffled the girl’s hair fondly, glad she had such a positive effect on people.“You know, Hannie, you might just be the difference between Seungho getting better or not. You really are a little miracle.” He mused. Haneul shook her head.“I’m eight. I haven’t done anything.. It’s angel appa, da and daddy that are the miracles, not me.” She replied genuinely. Taecyeon gave her shoulder a squeeze.   A/N: happy Wednesday~ :)