[M] Chapter 16 (1/1)

Eventually, the train slowed to a stop and Dongwoon jumped off, holding his hand out to help Gikwang jump off too, but sticking his tongue out because his partner was so short. Taecyeon and Haneul hopped off together, laughing and holding onto each other. They strolled to the graveyard, taking in the blue skies and bright rays of sun, which were so perfect it was almost as if Doojoon had arranged it himself.When they got to the grave, Haneul’s stomach started to turn somersaults just looking at it. The stone itself was very well kept- Gikwang and Dongwoon’s doing- but the whole atmosphere was what felt strange to the little girl, who just couldn’t believe it was her appa lying below the ground here. Her bottom lip quivered as she tried to blink back tears. Dongwoon shot Gikwang an anxious look at their daughter’s reaction, but the younger male just smiled sympathetically. He crouched down and put his hand on the stone.“Hello, Doojoonie! I know you’ve waited a while to meet Haneul properly, so we brought her here. She’s eight now, can you believe that? I can’t. It seems like only yesterday I found out I was pregnant..” he sighed a little but then smiled again. “Anyway, we’re all feeling a little nervous today.” He explained. He nodded gently to Haneul, signalling for her to move forwards.“Umm.. hello angel appa..” she began timidly. Dongwoon smiled encouragingly and squeezed her hand. She swallowed something and opened her mouth to continue. “I.. Da and Narsha and Taec told me a lot about you.. I wish I could meet you properly, just to see if you really are like they tell me you are. I just know that I love you, appa, even if I don’t know you p-properly.. Daddy said he wishes he had met you too.” Dongwoon smiled at that and gave her hand another comforting squeeze. Her eyes spilled over with tears caused by emotions she wasn’t sure she could identify. Gikwang stroked her hair and Taecyeon gave her a big hug.The four placed some flowers they had bought from the local florist’s on the way in by the gravestone, smiling at how the bright petals lightened up the whole grave. They stayed for a good few hours, talking about Doojoon to Haneul and answering any questions she had about it all. Taecyeon and Gikwang reminisced, but the talk of Doojoon was only fond now and didn’t irk Dongwoon as it might’ve done a few years ago. The eldest male acted as his princess’ seat, sitting down on the grass with his daughter in his lap. The weather lasted the whole way through the visit, sun shining happily upon the dull stone, successfully lighting it up as if Doojoon were smiling. That night, after having told Narsha, Mrs. Son and Mr. Son all about their visit to Doojoon’s grave, Haneulshuffled off upstairs, thinking everything over. She slipped into her bed and pulled her favourite blue bear into a cuddle. After tossing and turning for a while, unable to get comfortable, Haneul blew air up into her fringe, defeated. She held her bear- which was aptly named ‘Blue’, and was the least imaginatively named bear she owned- up to her face.“Oh, Blue. I don’t know how to feel..” she whispered sadly. She stroked the bear’s slightly matted fur before carrying on. “I’m so confused.. I feel like I know appa so well, but I never even got the chance to meet him. But then again, if I had met him, if he was still alive, I might’ve had to grow up in an orphanage… I would never have daddy either..” tears glistened in her eyes at the thought of never having  Dongwoon to look after her and love her. She loved Dongwoon, Gikwang and Doojoon equally and the thought of not knowing one of them hurt her heart. The moonlight from the windows shone on the bear’s black eyes, which Haneul was staring into for comfort.“It’s all such a mess. Today was lovely, Blue, I should have taken you along. I just wish angel appa wasn’t so far away. Da and daddy told me that I will meet him when I have died too, but that’s a long way from now and I don’t want to die!” she frowned, playing with Blue’s paw.Gikwang tip-toed quietly up the stairs to wish his daughter goodnight and tuck her in before Dongwoon would read her nightly story. He heard her mumbling away to herself and smiled, thinking she was playing one of her imaginary adventures with Blue and the other bears. However, when he got close enough to hear what she was saying, he stood still and listened, the smile fading slightly.“The other children in the area all have an eomma and an appa, so I know I’m incredibly lucky to have three parents and Narsha.. but at least they have all the people they love right there.. I don’t even have a photo of angel appa..” she said sadly. Gikwang took a shaky breath, feeling a little guilty.“I so wish I could just see what he looked like.. Just so I can stop wondering and imagining when I try to talk to him. I can’t help but wonder if I really do take after him or if he really is as handsome as Narshaunnie and da tell me he is..” she sighed and nuzzled into Blue.“Ahh.. I guess I’ll just never know what he looks like.. I don’t want to upset da, either..” she mumbled sleepily, sounding a little disappointed. Gikwang ran his hand through his thick black hair, wondering what he should do. He pushed it to the back of his mind for a minute and walked into the room towards his shuffling daughter.“Night, night, Hannie!” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed and patting her back. Haneul looked up at him and smiled, face still buried in Blue’s fur.“Goodnight, da! Is daddy coming up to read to me?”“Of course, sweetie. When has he ever let you down?” Gikwang replied, chuckling. Haneul grinned.“Neither of you have ever let me down.” She mused happily. Gikwang nibbled his lip at this, but gave her a peck on the cheek all the same.“Right, daddy will be up in five minutes.  Sweet dreams, princess! Sleep well.” He said softly, tickling her under her neck playfully and leaving the room, walking into his own bedroom and getting into his night-clothes, everything ticking over in his mind.Half an hour later, Dongwoon slid into bed beside him, pulling him into a cuddle and kissing his lips gently. Gikwang kissed back, smiling and snuggling up to his partner.“How was story-time?” he asked. Dongwoon laughed.“Inventive, as usual. She’s made me read the same chapter for a whole week now.” He shook his head fondly. Gikwang beamed, but his eyes didn’t crinkle up. Dongwoon frowned.“Is everything alright, baby?” Gikwang shuffled closer to him and rested his head on the older male’s chest.“Woonie, she really wants to see Doojoon. I heard her talking about it with Blue. It’s making her unhappy that she doesn’t even know what he looks like.” He sighed as he said it.“But what can we do about it? We don’t even have any pictures of him-““No, but the orphanage does. There’s bound to be files there that will have photos of him. I even remember photos being taken for our files…”  Dongwoon’s eyes widened.“You can’t seriously mean you want to go back there?” he said incredulously. Gikwang looked at the ceiling guiltily. Dongwoon spluttered. “Kiki, what if that man is still there? That building has too many memories for you, I know it does. What if it brings it all back and you start to get depressed?” he warned, his voice full of concern.“I have to go, Woonie. I have to get her something, even if it’s the littlest thing. She’s our daughter and this is really important to her..” Gikwang said.“I know it is. I love that little girl more than I can say; she just brightens up our whole lives. But it’s too dangerous. You could get hurt.. If that disgusting man is still there, he’s not likely to have forgotten that you ran away and he could seriously do some damage. I can’t have you in danger like that.” Dongwoon’s voice sounded pleading, and his hold on Gikwang became involuntarily tighter.“Then come with me! I’m scared of that too, how could I not be? But I really, really need to do this. I need to get over the fear of the past I left behind me when I ran away from there. More importantly, I need to get a picture of Doojoonie for Haneul.” the younger male pushed. Dongwoon sighed.“What about the children you used to look after?”  He asked desperately.“What happens when you see them in their awful state while you are so healthy and happy now? I used to look after some of the little ones at the orphanage I went to, too. I was always scared of going back because they might hate me..”“I feel so guilty about running away from them, you have no idea. They were my family for so long and I was supposed to be there to look after them. I promised them that Doojoonie would get better, then when he didn’t, I promised I would always be there to take care of them. I broke all of those promises. D-do you know how h-hard it was to leave them like that?” Gikwang’s wide eyes filled with tears. “There isn’t a d-day that g-goes by when I don’t think about those boys and how they are. Sure, they might h-hate me when I see them, but at least I would  know that they’re alive and not sick or even dead like I have imagined so many times. I let them down so b-badly, Woonie. I’m not letting Haneul down too.” He sobbed, hiding his face in Dongwoon’s chest and crying hard, his breath coming out choked and erratic. The older male hugged his lover hard, kissing his hair and rubbing his back soothingly. Guilt cut at his own heart as he thought about the children he had also left behind, too cowardly to face even being on the same road as that orphanage.“I’ve never known anyone as brave as you. After what happened to me at my orphanage, I have never wanted to go back, despite how many people back there depended on me. Nineteen years later and I am still too scared to face it. But you? Your first love died there, countless children you loved as siblings would’ve fallen sick there, you could even be hurt if you go back, yet you are willing to, for the sake of your daughter getting to know her appa.” He uttered lovingly after a while, totally amazed by Gikwang’s bravery. “I just want to say that you could never let Haneul down. You never have and you never will-““That’s what she s-said to me, too. But if I don’t do this, I am letting her down..” the younger male stuttered, wiping his eyes on Dongwoon’s shoulder.“You wouldn’t be. But I know you would never forgive yourself if you couldn’t show Doojoonie to Haneul, which is exactly why I will go with you tomorrow.” Gikwang gasped and sat up a little.“You will?”“I will, because I can see how much this means to you and Haneul. It’s not right for a child to grow up not even knowing what her appa looks like. I know I can’t stop you going, even though if I had it my way, I would keep you as far away from that place as I could. You’re right, we can’t hide away from things forever. I wish I had half of your courage, baby. Plus, if I come with you, I can make sure first hand that you are protected and won’t get hurt.” Dongwoon answered firmly.“I love you, Son Dongwoon. I love you so much.” Gikwang mumbled into his neck as he wrapped the taller male into a grateful embrace.“I love you too, Kiki. You can’t even begin to imagine how much.”