[M] Chapter 8 (1/1)

Gikwang’s health improved immensely over the next week. His temperature had returned to normal and  he was only being sick due to his pregnancy. All the nutritious food he had been given seemed to make a huge difference, too, his body filling out a little and his cheeks gently powdered with a healthy flush. Mrs. Son made sure to clean his wounds every morning as well, just to make sure no infections could get to him, and the ugly marks were beginning to fade into faint scars.However, mentally, Gikwang was struggling. The first few days of being in the Sons’ home were hard for him as he pined for Doojoon and became increasingly confused as to where he was. Whenever he saw Dongwoon, he felt like bursting into tears because his mind insisted it was Doojoon standing there, that it was Doojoon bringing him food and drink, that it was Doojoon smiling and caring for him. After a while, he came to terms with what was happening, but it just made him withdraw more. He cradled his stomach and stayed curled up in bed all day, only moving to sit up and eat. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, because he had nothing to say. All he could think about was how he was somewhere unfamiliar and that he was without the one person he needed the most.Mrs. Son stood outside Dongwoon’s bedroom, looking in on Gikwang. The boy was in his usual position, covers over his head while he sighed repeatedly, his hands rubbing his bump. She frowned, wracking her brains to come up with something that might cheer him up- or at least get some sort of reaction from him. She thought of Dongwoon and a small smile made its way onto her face. She walked downstairs where her son was sat on the sofa, reading his book intently.“You should really stop reading and be more social.” She said, giving him an affectionate nudge. Dongwoon chuckled.“Eomma, I do believe you are the only mother to ever have said that.” He replied, not looking up from his book. He managed to peel his eyes away from the page and looked at his mother before continuing. “Besides, who would I be social with?” his eyes widened. “You’re not still trying to set me up with Narsha, are you? I’ve already said a million times, she’s like my sister! That would be so gross-““Oh, do shush.” Mrs. Son interrupted. “You know that was a joke, sweetie. No, actually I meant Gikwang. That poor boy really could do with some company..”  Dongwoon sighed.“Eomma, he doesn’t want me around. He wants that Doojoon boy. In fact, he keeps thinking I am him. I only make him feel worse..” he said sadly. Mrs. Son slapped his thigh and frowned at him.“Nonsense. You haven’t tried hard enough to socialise normally with him yet, Woonie. Why don’t you try and find something in common with him?  It might just make him feel better about being here. I can’t stand to see him holed up in your room looking so depressed.” She said it fiercely, trying to push across her point so that her son would do something about it.“The only thing we have in common is where we both came from.” Dongwoon pointed out quietly. He didn’t like to think about his past in the orphanage; the memories were just too painful. His mother softened.“Then talk to him about that. Surely that’s the best thing you could do to make him feel comfortable. Put yourself in his shoes, honey. Wouldn’t you have wanted someone to know what you were going through when you came here? I remember you being very withdrawn too, but you only had Dongha to coax you out, and he didn’t understand because he hadn’t gone through it. You could really make a difference to Gikwang, you know.” She persuaded. Dongwoon sighed and nodded.“You’re always right, eomma. I’ll go and talk to him- just let me finish this chapter.” He agreed, smiling. His mother kissed his cheek and ruffled his hair like she used to.“I’m proud of you, darling. Such a good boy.” She whispered fondly, patting his back and getting up to walk to the kitchen where she was starting dinner.Dongwoon put his book down reluctantly before stretching up and bracing himself. He climbed the stairs and peeped into his bedroom, knocking politely on the open door. Gikwang mumbled something that sounded like ‘come in’, so the young man walked nervously inside and sat on the double bed beside the lump of the teenager.“Hey, Gikwang.” He said awkwardly. Gikwang shuffled into a sitting position, looking quite miserable. The young man gulped. “I don’t mean to disturb you, but I just didn’t want you to be lonely. You’ve been on your own for nearly a whole week now and we’re all worried about you.”“I’m fine.” The teenager whispered, avoiding Dongwoon’s eyes.“Um.. well that’s good.. I’m glad you’re feeling better.” The older boy said. Gikwang nibbled his lip and looked away. There was a pause and Dongwoon took a deep breath. “So, have you been sick today?” he mentally slapped himself for asking such a bad question.“Yeah.” Came the short reply.“Oh.. have you eaten since?”“Yeah.”“Good..”“Hmm.”The conversation was clearly not going anywhere. Dongwoon shuffled awkwardly on the bed and played with his hands. Gikwang traced where he assumed his baby was. Dongwoon wondered whether to start talking about his childhood. He didn’t even know if Gikwang would listen, but there were things from his past that he hadn’t told anyone- not even his adoptive parents. Bottling such things inside for so long had been difficult for the eighteen-year-old and he came to the decision that he didn’t care if Gikwang responded or not. He had to say it. Anyway, it wouldn’t hurt their relationship to give him an insight into his life. He supposed if anything, it might pull the younger boy out of his withdrawal.“Did you know  I was adopted?” he asked clearly. Gikwang finally looked into his eyes, shaking his head slowly. Dongwoon chuckled bitterly and looked at his feet. “Yeah, I’m all too familiar with orphanages.”  The younger boy said nothing and returned to looking at his baby bump, but Dongwoon knew he was listening. “The Sons adopted me when I was seven. Unfortunately I can’t forget the things that happened there, no matter how many times I’ve tried.” He closed his eyes and leaned back against the headboard.“You see, I was quite an inquisitive child. As you can imagine, it didn’t go down well with the wardens when I asked questions. I was constantly questioning the system, demanding answers from anyone who would listen as to why I was there and why we were always sick and hungry. I don’t know about the institution you lived in, but ours had huge windows that constantly showed us what the outside world was like. They teased us every day, giving us insights into lives of ordinary children without letting us experience it for ourselves.” Dongwoon balled his fists at the memory of looking out of those windows, forced to watch while the rest of the world moved on without him. “I always asked why we all wore the same things, when I could quite clearly see that the children outside were dressed in a rainbow of different colours and an array of different styles. I always asked why we were so hungry and why we were so miserable, when the people on the other side of the window laughed and ate whatever they pleased. Most of all, I asked why I was there and wasn’t shy about expressing my desire to leave.” His voice was bitter and angry, though the volume didn’t raise. Gikwang glanced at him as if he was seeing him for the first time.“Of course, I never did get my answers; just relentless beatings and extra physical work. However, that just made me more curious. I was desperate to know why I was so different from the children outside. I guess.. I guess I asked one question too many..” his voice trailed off and he sighed. Gikwang placed his small hand on Dongwoon’s thigh. The older boy looked at him and smiled weakly.“There was this one particular warden,” he let out another sigh. “He hated me from the beginning because I just wouldn’t conform without answers like every other child. I went on all these little strikes, refusing to eat for days unless they explained something I wanted to understand. It could have been as simple as a long word I didn’t know the meaning of, to something complicated like wanting to know where my parents were. Usually they would just have let a child starve, knowing they would eventually give in and do whatever they wanted them to do. But I was already the smallest and skinniest boy there and I was determined to follow through.” He opened his eyes, showing Gikwang the burning determination in his darkened hues. Talking about his past really brought back those pent-up feelings he had kept so close and private.“This became a problem for that warden. I could no longer work because of how weak I was from lack of food and I got more sickly as the time went by. Eventually, just before my seventh birthday, he had enough. He... He came into my dormitory, where I had been resting due to sickness. It was the middle of the morning when everyone was busy at work- presumably so that no-one would catch him. He g-grabbed my wrist and p-pulled me out of bed..” his eyes welled up with angry and frightened tears as he began to recount his story. Gikwang slid his hand into Dongwoon’s, lacing their fingers together and squeezing it reassuringly. The young man squeezed the teenager’s hand back and gulped back his tears.“It’s blurry, because it happened so long ago, but I know he dragged me down the corridor and shoved me into an old utility room that was only used by maids every now and then. He pushed me against the back wall where shelves dug into my back. One of his hands pinned me there, while the other scrabbled at my clothes..” he ran his fingernails over his neck subconsciously, as if trying to scratch away the feeling that warden had  left there.“Once my clothes had been thrown to the side somewhere, he was all over me. I was so small and his fingers seemed to crawl over my whole body. I tried to get away, I really did, but like I said, I hadn’t eaten for days and I had little to no strength left in me at all. I kept telling him to stop, that I would do anything for him to stop touching me, but he told me it was too late for that. He said he’d give me answers alright; ones that I would never forget. He said this is what all normal children get when they’re naughty..” he spat the words like they were dirty in his mouth, his free hand tightening into a threatening fist once again.“I cried and cried while he stripped himself, confused and not understanding what he was about to do but knowing I didn’t like it. He grabbed my wrists hard so that there were bruises for the next two weeks and told me that I was a handsome boy, it was just a pity I didn’t keep my mouth shut. He kissed my neck and laughed when I flinched away from him, saying that it was f-fine, h-he would just d-do it rough then..” Dongwoon’s face burned with humiliation. Gikwang’s breath caught in his throat and his cheeks glistened with tears.“Then that was it. He didn’t bother making it easier for me, just entered quickly and roughly. It hurt more than anything ever had before. I have never felt agony like that since, either. I’ll never forget the burn it caused.. I bled so much because I was so tiny and he was this great lump of a man. What hurt more than the pain was how scared I was. I had no idea what he was doing to me and I was sure it was going to kill me- not that he cared. He kept going until he was satisfied, his disgusting, sick pleasure filling me up while I s-screamed..” He cried hard into his palm, the memories too much for him to deal with. Gikwang had stopped feeling sorry for himself as soon as Dongwoon had started talking and now wrapped his arms around the older, hugging him tightly. Dongwoon clung to him, feeling comforted by the warm arms encircling him and the fluffy head buried into his shoulder. He took a deep breath, readying himself to continue.“He left straight after he had got himself dressed and pulled up my pants. All he said was that I had to keep quiet at all times and follow orders or I was asking for it again. I was badly scolded by the matron who found me in there; she was convinced I had hurt myself from not eating and was crying on purpose so everyone would feel sorry for me. She didn’t see the blood or the evidence of the rape still spilling out of me, so I earned myself six lashes to the back for attention-seeking.” He mumbled into the hug. Gikwang held onto him.“They’re all so cruel..” Gikwang whispered. “It’s like they do it for fun, like our pain is just a game to them, no matter how young we are.. What that man did to you.. it’s the worst thing a child can go through. I can’t imagine how awful that was.. I can’t stop picturing it happening to Taecyeon. You must have been so scared. All because they wouldn’t give you answers..”“I know, but we were orphans, Gikwang. We had no-one in the world who would give a shit if we lived or died. These people could have murdered us all and every single human would turn a blind eye. It’s not fair and it’s all a twisted way for disgusting people to do whatever they want to unfortunate children like us. I wasn’t the first child to be abused and I know for sure I wasn’t the last.”“We’re not too different, you and I..” Gikwang murmured, realising that Dongwoon shared many of the same morals and thoughts.“Exactly. Gikwang, I know what you’re going through. I know what a hell that place was. It’s the reason I am who I am now, too. I never asked another question there again because I was too scared. Even now I’m not a social person and I’m still scared of people because of what they’ve done to me in the past. It’s mainly why I prefer reading to talking to people; the books can’t mistreat me for wondering about things, and they always give me the answers I’m looking for. You.. You’re the only person who knows about this.” He confessed, pulling away from the hug and looking at Gikwang pointedly.“I am?” the younger boy asked incredulously. Dongwoon nodded. “Why me?”“Because you needed to know. I went through this withdrawn stage too, you know. I thought it would make you see that you’re not alone and you don’t have to hide your feelings from me. I will always be here if you need to talk about anything. I had no-one who understood me and it’s been the hardest eleven years bottling everything inside. Just telling you has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I don’t want you to have to go through anything on your own, because I know that inside you’re struggling, despite coming across as so independent and strong.”“You’re right, I’ve felt so lost without Doojoonie. I know the pain is different and I feel selfish about bringing his death up when you’ve just told me something so awful-““Just because you weren’t raped doesn’t mean your problems are any less valid. Don’t ever think you can’t talk to me just because you feel like I’ve been through worse. Doojoon was your soulmate, of course it was painful when he died. Tell me everything, just let go of everything you’re thinking. It helps, believe me.” Dongwoon interrupted, holding Gikwang’s hand again. The younger boy smiled gratefully and rested his head on Dongwoon’s shoulder. He took a deep breath.“I just feel like I’ve done something wrong. That it was my fault Doojoonie’s gone and it’s my fault our baby will grow up with only one parent.” He started, his chest tightening with the guilt.“That’s ridiculous. I’ve known you for one week and this is the first time we’ve talked properly, but already I know you’re incredibly caring and sweet. You would never have hurt him on purpose.” Dongwoon said firmly. Gikwang knitted his eyebrows together.“But you don’t understand..”“Make me understand, then.”“Did you have nightly dorm checks?” Gikwang asked quietly. Dongwoon nodded. “Well straight after working most nights, me and Doojoon would go to the spare room and.. well..” he blushed hard and looked at his baby bump.“Ahh, I see.”“Yeah.. well, that one night I kept him talking too much before and after and I took a little more time to finish than usual. It made us late and he got caught on his way back to his room. He was beaten within an inch of his life and spent the night in the dirty solitary confinement cell where Narsha found him. That’s how he got infected..  Narsha even said he wouldn’t let her do anything because he just wanted to see if I was alright..If I hadn’t  made us late and he hadn’t been so worried about me, he might still be alive..” a few tears rolled down his cheek as he thought about seeing Doojoon’s cold body on the floor in his room. Dongwoon stroked his knuckles with his thumb and rested his head on the younger’s.“Yes, I can see how you could argue it’s all your fault. But so could a lot of people in that orphanage. I’m sure Narsha blames herself for finding him and not cleaning him up right then and there. I know that little Taecyeon is blaming himself because he couldn’t do anything to save Doojoon. Maybe the nurses are feeling awful too, because they didn’t try hard enough. I’m sure that warden should feel bad, the bastard, but who knows what those psychopaths are thinking.” Dongwoon said fairly. “I know what I’m thinking, though. Terrible things happen by chance. We don’t make them happen. The worst thing in the world has happened to you and it will always hurt you and you’ll probably never stop missing Doojoon- but don’t let it wreck your whole life, just like I haven’t let what happened to me ruin mine, though it has changed it.” He finished earnestly. Gikwang flung his arms around Dongwoon again.“Thank-you.. thank-you so much, Dongwoon-ssi.” He sobbed.“Hey, aren’t I hyung now? We’re friends, Gikwang. I care about you- do you really think I would have told you all of that if I didn’t see you as more than an acquaintance?” Dongwoon said with a little smile. Gikwang laughed through his sobs.“Ok, hyung.” He said, trying out the word on his tongue. He smiled properly. “You really are such a kind person. I feel so much better, you have no idea.”“I’m glad. As a matter of fact, I feel a million times better, too. I’m so glad eomma and appa are letting you live here. My life is going to improve a ton, I can tell!”There was a comfortable silence as the two males smiled at each other, finally over the initial awkwardness and now completely used to each other. It felt like they had known each other for years, not just one week. Gikwang suddenly frowned and nibbled his lip, looking guilty.“I.. I’m really sorry about calling you Doojoonie. I was confused beyond words and you really do remind me of him sometimes. I haven’t meant to be so cold towards you, especially as you’ve been so kind to me since I got here. It just hurt to look at you.” He explained apologetically.“I understand, Gikwanggie. Don’t be sorry.”“Why are you so insufferably kind?” Gikwang teased, giving him a nudge.“I guess I’m just an angel~” Dongwoon replied jokingly, making the younger chuckle.  A/N: awww.. this part broke my heart..

*gives tissues and cake*