Anguish and Prayers (1/2)

<b style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:medium;font-weight:normal;">After a few days of resting at home, the pain seems to be getting easier to handle. Woohyun has stayed until the wee hours of the night for the past couple of days because Giyeon hasn’t been coming home until late at night. It seems as though when I am with him that all the pain goes away. I have really enjoyed having him around these past few days, but I can’t help but to feel bad. He hasn’t been going to school, and that’s not good. As for me, I am supposed to get released from school soon for home instruction up until I have the baby and six weeks after I have the baby. I was thinking the other day, I haven’t even thought of names yet. I have no one to discuss it with since Chanji is worthless. Ever since our last spit spat he hasn’t shown his face to me again. I just wish he would at least try to put forth some effort and try to care for the baby. It is his child too, afterall.

I have been up for a few hours now, and Woohyun still hasn’t shown up. I think I may text him and tell him he should attend school today, or at least go get some of his school work. I don’t want him to get behind because he is worried about me. I feel so burdened.

I pick up my phone to text Woohyun, but then there’s a knock on the door and I figure it must be him.

I go downstairs to answer the door because, once again, I am the only one home. When I open the door I am surprised to find that it is not Woohyun standing in front of me. My face turns to stone as I see the person who is looking at me now... my father.

“Jisu, dear, may I come in?” My dad asks as he looks at me in dismay.

I nod my head and move out of the doorway to allow my dad to pass.

“I don’t mean to be rude dad, but what exactly brings you here this morning? I mean... we haven’t seen, nor spoken to each other since you kicked me out to live with aunt Giyeon.”

“Well, someone is getting straight to the point of things. You don’t even offer your own father something to drink before bringing up those sorts of things?” He chuckles, but I keep a serious look upon my face.

“Dad, I’m pregnant, and I am in the pain stage right now... getting a guest something to drink may be the last thing on my mind.” I say in a serious tone.

He clears his throat,“Well, then, sit down and lets talk, Jisu.”

I take a seat on the couch and my dad takes the spot next to me.

After a moment of silence, he speaks,“Jisu, I came here today to bring up a proposition to you.”

“Ok?” I say bluntly without letting him finish.

“Jisu, have you thought about the baby any?”

“That’s kind of a dumb question, dad. I think about my baby everyday.” I say stressing the word ‘my’.

“I know that, Jisu. Have you thought of what you’re going to do when the due date comes?”

“Of course, I am going to have this baby.” This doesn’t seem to be going anywhere good.

“Jisu...” He pauses and thinks for a moment before continuing. “Jisu... Have you thought of adoption?”

My expression turned cold. I can’t believe he is questioning this...

“Of course I haven’t, dad.” I say as serious as possible. “Just like most other mothers in this world, maybe besides a select few, I am going to raise MY child MYSELF.” I say pointing to myself to stress ‘my’ and ‘myself’ even further.

“Why won’t you just consider it, Jisu?”

“BECAUSE DAD! I WANT TO HAVE THIS BABY! I want to love it and hug it and take care of it. I want to be there for him or her through whatever, and I NEVER, EVER, want to make them think that just because they make a mistake that I am going to give up on them. You know, like how you and mom did to me?” Tears began to swell up in my eyes.

“Jisu, we didn’t...”

“Don’t try to say you didn’t Dad because you did. The day I told you, you looked me straight in my eyes and you said to me “Jisu, you have dishonored me and I can no longer call you my daughter. I want you to go pack your things and leave.” You said this to me when I needed you the most, and mom didn’t even try to stop it! Neither of you want me now because I made a mistake! I made a mistake that I didn’t mean to happen... but who ever means for a mistake to happen? No one dad. Just because you and mom think you have lived a mistake-free life doesn’t mean anything because you have made mistakes, and one of them was leaving me when I need you the most.”

“Jisu... I...”

“You’re what?” I asked interrupting him. “You’re sorry? No... no your not. If you were truly sorry you wouldn’t have come over here to talk about this with me. I won’t leave my child, ever. I want to be the one to take care of my baby. So, if that’s all you wanted to talk to me about...”I choke back the tears that are ready to come out. “You can leave.”

He looks down toward the ground as he gets up slowly to leave without a word, and I follow slowly behind him.

As we are almost reaching the door, I kneel down and wrap my arms around my stomach. I couldn’t explain the pain I had just felt even if I wanted to. It was like a pain I had never felt before. I felt as if something just took my insides and twisted them as far as they could.

I screamed in anguish.

My dad turned to me quickly.

“Jisu!” He ran over to be by my side. “Oh Jisu! Answer your father! Are you alright? What’s wrong?” He asked worriedly.