Final (1/1)

I lay, my head resting on the stiff pillow underneath my head, neck stiff, thinking about tomorrow. Or well, today, because it's already 3:00 am. I sigh, rolling over onto my stomach -groaning at the hard bed beneath me because let's face it, cheap hotel beds are never comfortable- and glance over at the other at the two sleeping figures on the floor by the bathroom door. Manager-Hyung didn't want to pay for another hotel room when we're only staying one night, so we somehow made it work. Hyukkie and Wonshik sleep by the bathroom door, huddled up to keep warmth because the air vent is over them, but that's not what they were thinking about when they stumbled into the room, eyes heavy and legs weak from sleep. Our Manager is in the other bed, Jaehwan is huddled up by the little window, squishing a sick Hongbin to the wall, and Taekwoon decided to sleep out in the van. I frown, my head pounding as I move slowly, the pain grippingly obvious by the way I wince. Even with medicine, the excruciating pain won't go away.  This is what you get, can't sing, can't dance, what did you expect? I think to myself sourly. I clench my eyes shut, face burning from tears. My head feels so heavy that for a moment I fear I can't get out of bed, body feeling almost equally the same. My cheeks, nose and mouth feel like sharp fingers are pushing into me, the pressure insanely strong.  I think about the times when I read "fans" hurtful comments. Skins too dark, too violent and annoying, even the members think that sometimes. My chest clenches as I slide out of bed, feet thudding loudly on the gruff carpet beneath me and I shake involuntary at the cold. Ignoring the wave of nauseousness that finds its way into the pit of my stomach, I grab my phone, using the little light to find my way to the door, almost screaming as Wonshik rolls onto his side in front of where I was about to step, causing my heel to brush his nose. "My god!" I yell to myself after the door shuts gently. I shake my head furiously, cold feet padding down the empty hallway to the elevator. The cool floor is calming under me feet, and I relax some until I see my reflection in the elevator walls. My make up is smudged, eye bags bigger then Kim Kardashians ass and my hairs a tangled mess. I sigh heavily, ignoring my unconscious wish to tug my hair out in frustration as the elevator levels itself on the first floor, opening to let me out in the lobby. I make a mental note somewhere in my distraught mind to make sure none of the fans see me like this. But your ugly anyway, a sharp voice reminds me and I continue frowning, making my way out to the parking lot.  For months now the stress has been getting to me. I smile for the fans, skinship and all for the company during the day, but when the members go out, is a whole different story.  I swallow back the lump in my throat as I step on a rock, cursing silently at my bad night vision and waddle my way over to our van. The windows are tinted, but I can vaguely see a dark figure sprawled across the back seat where Hongbin, Wonshik and Hyuk sit, sometimes with Jaehwan.  A hoot comes from behind me and I turn, but only see the cars in the dimly lit lot. A crunch comes from the same direction and I squint, glaring out into the space in front of me. Another crunch is heard and I jump, turning around to bang on the van window (possibly hard enough to break it but whatever's behind me is something that I don't wanna find out the identity of). Taekwoon jumps up, and I can't see his reaction but I hear a slight yelp from inside, before the van door is being slid open. I quickly slide onto the black leather seat, ignoring the groan from him as I accidentally slam my knee into his foot, and pull the door closed, locking it.   "Wae?" He mumbles, tiredness evident in his voice and my heart stops as he lays his head back against the seat with a thump. Why... Actually now that I think about it, why did I come here? I bite my lip, sliding off my heels to sit down against the seat, back resting against the inside if the door with my front facing him.  His eyes squint as he looks at me, mouth open slightly. The cars little open door light turns off, leaving us in the dark. His pink, plump lips flash through my mind for a second, stopping my thought process. "I had a bad dream?" I offer, not trying to sound like I was about to cry. The stinging in the to of my nose and the thing layer of water in my eyes getting too hard to ignore. I sniffle, wiping my face with my palm and his breath hitches. I can feel his eyes on me, his face dark from the lack of light, but a hand grabs my, tangling our fingers together and I sob harder.  "Shhh" he coos, pulling me to his chest, which shocks me, pausing my crying momentarily as I take in shaky breaths. We stay like this in silence for a moment before I grab my phone, checking the time. I was wrong before. It's 1:50 am. "You really scared me," he whispers, a slight groan in his voice and I laugh quietly, it coming out in dry hot puffs.  "I forgot... a key I guess." It comes out airy and slow, each word sounding more and more nonexistent as they come out. I hiccup, and wipe my nose again. "What was your dream?" He asks thoughtfully and I raise my eyebrows for a second before remembering what he was talking about.  I roll onto my back, my head flushed against his chest and I think for a moment. "I sighed, cheeks rosey. My teeth stung with each inhale of the frosty cold air as I walked, under dressed, across the snowy field behind my grandparents house. The moon is up, lighting a path way only I can see. I remember I took the medicine right before heading out on my journey, my journey through insanity. I see men lined up in rows, creating a path through the large field, which I follow timidly." I say, moving my hands as I speak. I start to tell it like a story, from my own point of view from what I saw. As I speak I notice his arms snake around the front of my waist. "Some wore bright clothing, their features gentle. Others wore all black, scars on their face arms and callused hands which shone in the moonlight. I wore nothing but a light green shirt and thin pajama pants. My bare feet thump down the path, the cold sting of snow under them hurting for only a second. It seems like the moon is getting bigger. I look back to see the the men I've passed are no longer in the two lines, but are following a bit a ways as a herd. The men in bright, multi colored clothing are in the front. I turn around to see a light orange figure standing in front of me. Tears start to stream down my face as I run to her, her eyes following me silently. "Mom!!" I yell, but something pulls me back and throws me to the floor. Pain sets in the unbearable waves and my vision goes dark. Frantically I look up to see the light men are gone. They had lost..." The last of it becomes a meer whisper. I don't notice myself shaking from the memory until he runs his warm hands up and down my arms.  "The light men had been taking you to heaven?" He whispers, lips just above my ear. His voice is tired but more awake now, softer, his breath hot on my neck. I nod.  "It's okay it's just a dream." "Is is bad that..." I start but stop, afraid to say it out loud.  "That what?" "Ah... Ottokaji..." I frown as I think about if I should tell him or not. If I say it, it makes it real, and the fear in my stomach grows with each inhale of air. "Take your time ," he whispers after a moment. "There's no rush." And I'm grateful. I'm grateful for him letting me in the van, I'm grateful for his warmth. I almost forget why I'm here for a moment with him, but then a voice reminds me.  All your good for is causing problems. I burst, crying as hard as I can against his chest. It feels like my whole life is being ripped apart. All the fans hate comments come at me like knives and I grip his sweater tightly in balled fists.  "Is it bad that," I say after a moment of catching my breath. I'm hesitant to hear his reply. "I died in that dream Taekwoonie, is it bad that I liked it more then now when I'm alive?" I ask. It takes a moment to set in, but I notice the grip around me getting tighter. His face falls into the crook of my neck and I wrap my arms around him, squeezing just as tight with my eyes closed.  "Please don't do anything bad." He whispers. My neck is wet. "I won't." I promise, even though I've wanted to before. I sigh, frowning. "Can I tell you something?" He asks quietly, but before I can respond he's talking again into my ear. I shift to see his face, me laying on him makes me scared I may hurt him but he hugs me tightly back against him. "Don't listen to them. I see in you internet history on your phone all of the bad comments you have bookmarked," and I'm about to speak because, you went though my phone??! But he's speaking again. "I've read the memo entries that you saved on it too. The one where we'd be better off without you? Isn't true. I can't go on stage anymore, they would be so much better without me up there performing," he says, his voice slightly deeper now. "You wrote that line in there once, yes?" He asks. I stay silent before whispering a small 'yes'.  He pulls me back slightly, just so that our eyes can meet. "You wrote that. Right?" He says again. "Yes." "You help me through performances. More then you would ever know. Do you remember that one time when you visited your family and I wasn't present during the concert we had that day, because everyone said I was sick?" He says and I think back for a moment before nodding, my brows knitted together. He continues. "I wasn't sick. I just couldn't go on stage without you." His words hit me hard, but my body feels lighter. "Any time your not with us I don't go on shows, or perform. I hardly go to my lessons with the group, cause I can't. You said you can't go on stage anymore? I won't do it without you." He says, voice stronger then I've ever heard it to be. I've never heard him speak in this tone. My lips tug up slightly and I hug him again even more tight, our noses brushing as I move which causes me to giggle quietly.  He's a lot more warm then the hotel bed. My eyes go wide. "Shit!" "What?"  "I forgot the room key," I whine, "not like I had any plans to leave but..."  "I wasn't planning on letting you go." He whispers, and I nudge my cold nose into his neck.  Deep down I knew exactly why I had come to him. The next morning we wake up to the coos of the other members, and Manager-Hyung just laughs along with them. Taekwoon and I sit in the very back row which is usually empty, Jaehwan sitting in the passengers seat next to our manager, who's driving today. The other members are too involved in conversation to notice us in the back, Wonshik, Hongbin and Hyuk talking about a new video game they wanted to play while Jaehwan sits up front trying to explain to his umma how to work her new computer. The backseat is big enough for us to face each other with out legs out, resting comfortably without our seat belts on. I watch as his hands fiddle with my shoelace and I smile brightly, nudging the tip of my shoe gently into his thigh. He looks up at me curiously.  "My head aches gone!" I mouth with a giggle. He smiles slightly. We end up with new sleeping arrangements from then on when we travel. Wonshik and Hyuk share my bead, or sometimes Hongbin and Jaehwan do, it all depends who wins in rock, paper, scissors. Manager-hyung of course still sleeps in his own bed. Taekwoon and I share the van.  -----------------------------Because our idols are human too, and stress gets to them. I hope you guys liked it! It was just something random that I came up with and I wanted to write. Sorry for any spelling mistakes, please don't forget to comment! <3