Cry Now, Think Later (1/1)

"I'm back," Momo says as she tosses the keys on the counter.She's back from her daily early visit to the gym. She pauses by the front door, expecting Dahyun's usual greeting echoing from their bedroom. Or, if Dahyun isn't feeling lazy, an immediate few bounds out of whatever room she is in to reach Momo's side and give her a tight hug.Momo waits a second, the next one is spent listening to the silence of Dahyun's absence, and it takes her a third to notice the sound of running water from the kitchen. The faucet sounds strange without silverware and plates clinking gently together underneath it, courtesy of Dahyun's careful, delicate hands.Momo slips off her shoes, curiously looking in the direction of the kitchen. She places them by the door, right next to Dahyun's, and then calls for her lover again. "Dahyuni?"Still no answer. The absence of Dahyun's presence bothers Momo greatly. Did something happen while she was gone? Without another thought, Momo strides across the hall to make her way over to Dahyun. She nearly bursts through the kitchen to find her.Standing by the sink, unresponsive and desolate. Dahyun is staring into the sink blankly, one hand empty while the other weakly clutches a sponge. Her hair is in her face and her head tucked away from Momo's view. There is a noticeable drop of water smoothly trickling down Dahyun's chin. Then she sniffs, barely masked by the running faucet, and Momo immediately pieces everything together."Baby?" she tries, quieter and softer this time, as she approaches Dahyun's dejected figure.No answer, but something about Dahyun's posture straightens ever so slightly in an attempt to right herself before Momo becomes overly concerned for her well-being. Momo has seen it before, knows Dahyun's behavior to the bone. How her hands jump to life to seem busy, how her chest puffs up in an attempt to steady her breathing, how she swallows down the rest of the sobs to focus on holding her attention.Yet Dahyun doesn't open her mouth. Her lips that are slightly moistened by the tears catching onto the corners remain tightly shut. She's dressed in her favorite hoodie and shorts. She hasn't said anything, texted or called, although Momo always urges Dahyun to let her know if anything bothers her while she is at the gym.Momo keeps getting closer until they're standing side by side, both gazing into the sink filled with plates and glasses from the night before."Bad morning?" Momo asks.Dahyun replies with a sigh through her nose. She can't bring herself to look at Momo and Momo knows that. So, Momo turns around and leans her back against the counter. Then, she quietly leans into Dahyun, offering the girl her shoulder. To her relief and slight surprise, Dahyun follows along.Dahyun leans back against Momo, nuzzling her face into the girl's collar without a word. Momo props her chin atop Dahyun's head, closing her eyes as she wraps an arm around Dahyun and holds her close. Dahyun gladly loses herself to Momo's kind embrace.Dahyun hates being alone when she is in this state, Momo has observed. When her mind gets the best of her. When she begins to fall through the air and her self support collapses under her own weight. When she, the independent and reliant director of her own life, needs someone else to depend on.But she becomes a living puzzle when she is like this, and Momo knows that too. Dahyun has the tendency to isolate herself and even physically push people away when she is caught up in her own mind. Her words become scathing, her actions avoidant, and no one is an exception. Not even herself. She believes that she is too much for other people to handle, for her family, for her group members, for her own girlfriend. She has always hurted alone and in silence.So it never fails to relieve Momo, despite the couple of years they've now been together, that Dahyun has been able to trust her this much. That Dahyun can put her heart in Momo's embrace. That Dahyun can cry freely without feeling ashamed. It did take Dahyun a long time to open up to Momo, though. Not all her friends have seen her break down without restraint. In return, not everyone has seen Momo lose it either.Momo recalls the day Dahyun showed up at her doorstep with fast food when Momo was alone and silent in her own apartment, the same one they now share. Momo had had a fight with Chaeyoung that day, leading to them ignoring each other for a few days. Dahyun was the only one who immediately checked on Momo.Momo remembers asking Dahyun why she came over instead of calling or texting. To that, Dahyun explained that she just wanted to do something other people have never really done for her. They either call, leave a message, or just stay quiet and hope that she is doing fine. Dahyun doesn't want to be treated like that."How do you want to be treated, then?" Momo had asked."Well, I know that if I were in your shoes, I'd just want someone to sit here and hug me. Just let me be miserable for the moment. No solutions, no explanations. Just being here, letting me hold their hand, and acting gentle around me. But no one likes to do that."And at Momo's bug-eyed, blank stare, bewildered with concern, Dahyun quickly said, "But I'm sorry if I bothered you tonight. I just... I saw that you needed someone around. Chaeyoung has someone, so you should too."Watching Dahyun busy herself with stale McDonald's fries (a hint at how she tries to busy herself when she can't process her anxiety), Momo chuckled. "No, you don't bother me. Not at all. I'd rather call this a genuine pleasant surprise.""Dahyuni," Momo eventually says when the memory fades away.Dahyun pulls away and sniffles, eyes gazing anywhere but up at Momo. Momo raises a hand to softly grasp Dahyun's shoulder. Slowly, she rubs back and forth along the girl's arm, soothing her nerves as the seconds tick by."What are you telling yourself this time?" Momo asks quietly, just loud enough to defeat the noise coming from the faucet.Finally, Dahyun gazes up at Momo's face, her sunken expression, her furrowed eyebrows, her tear stains, all properly coming into view under the kitchen light."Nothing," she whispers back. "I just didn't feel good about myself today. That's all.""Didn't feel good about what exactly?"Dahyun pauses. Her irises sparkle as she buffers ever so slightly. For a moment, Momo feels herself melt at the sight of a softened expression, the briefest return to who Dahyun really is. Dahyun's gaze brightens with consideration, her eyebrows raised in thought.She settles for saying, "Everything?"This is normally where Dahyun would smile sheepishly and laugh through her tears, but it doesn't happen. Momo watches as she shakes her head, letting another sigh out."I keep remembering everything. Something someone said to me, did around me, or didn't do to me. I'm remembering a lot of stuff even though I'm supposed to be over it all.""Like what?" Momo asks, putting a strand of hair behind Dahyun's ear."When I wasn't enough for someone. Or when I was too much, I don't know. When I felt ugly and absolutely no compliments were able to make me feel better. When my hard work was overlooked and all the effort I put into it went to waste. When I thought someone was angry at me because their voice or actions were too sharp."And then Dahyun's voice gets clogged in her throat, but Momo's loving eyes make her break through it and continue. "When I didn't tell anyone about my insecurities and the reason why I'm always stuck in this cycle. I should have told someone. Maybe I wouldn't find it so difficult now."Dahyun sniffles again, her tears catching onto her lashes, and she rubs at her eyes. The sturdy hand rubbing her shoulder gently travels upwards to cup her cheek, fingertips tracing along the cheekbone and making Dahyun lean into it. Momo frowns at her, the softest curve to her lips, one that leaves Dahyun dumbstruck every time she notices how it turns into a smile."Oh, my baby," Momo murmurs, leaning in to kiss Dahyun's forehead. "It's okay.""It's not," Dahyun chokes out, making Momo shut up.Momo can't bring herself to deny it. Because Dahyun doesn't like thinking about the future. She has always been a "feel now, think later" kind of person, the kind that goes for a hug or a kiss or some kind of physical affection before a conversation. She prefers to sit in the moment and not be okay.So, Momo decides to focus on that. "Why do you still think about it?" she asks."I don't. Not at first. But it comes back when I'm feeling horrible and I can't stop it. I just want someone to tell me that I'm not all those things. I don't know. I don't know, Momo."Dahyun's crying starts up again. She's hurting, and in turn, it hurts Momo. But Momo hurts with her. Just by being there, standing there while Dahyun breaks down, catching the girl's tears in the palm of her hand. Momo is already making Dahyun feel more seen than anyone else ever has. And that's what Dahyun needs right now.Momo sees Dahyun as both the lover of her dreams who she has completely fallen in love with, and the sobbing, pained person who just wants to cry. She can't stop Dahyun from crying, but maybe she can ease her pain."The words 'pretty' or 'hot' don't even begin to cover who you are," Momo starts.Dahyun sniffles. "Huh?""Being pretty implies that you're pretty on the outside," Momo tells Dahyun, brushing her tears aside. "And being hot is too simple of a compliment to make you glow with that smile I love to see on your face. You are hot and pretty, yes, but there's more.""My kind, thoughtful baby. Nothing compares to the way you get all shy when I call you that. When you just grin at me and don't want to ask for more even though you want it."Dahyun's cheeks flush pink with embarrassment. "I—""Baby, don't think I don't notice. You love it. God, I hate that you feel like you have to ask me to even call you all those words. I hate that you feel greedy for wanting that much. You give me so many compliments every day and yet I couldn't do the same for you?"Momo's eyes close with a split second of regret. "Have I not been doing my job with the love you've been giving me?""No," Dahyun says quickly, tears welling on her bottom lashes. "No, it's okay—""It's not. I hate that I forget giving you the words you deserve. And to think that you believe that your talent goes unnoticed. That your kindness goes unnoticed, that all your efforts are left unseen. I've always seen you as a perfectionist. You're so creative, so good at everything you give a try. You have hands for creating and playing and writing anything you want. That mind of yours actually has no limits. Always thinking and distracted and focused all at the same time.""My baby," Momo whispers. "You are more than just pretty and hot. You are perfect."And Dahyun glows again, although it's quickly dampened by her distracted gaze as she opens her mouth once more.Momo gives her a look. "Don't."Dahyun giggles through a watery sigh. Momo's heart flutters warmly at the sound of it, and as the pleasant sensation sends a loving chill throughout her body, she wants Dahyun to fully understand."It's okay to feel bad when your mind thinks of all the negative things, but you have to remember that it's going to be okay."Momo waits for another moment to see if Dahyun is going to protest, but when she remains silent, Momo goes on. "You have every right to want to be seen."Dahyun sighs. "It's just a lot to ask for from others.""Even from me?""Well, I am lot to deal with. I'm heavy and burdensome sometimes. You can admit it, you know.""So what if you are? I can carry you without a doubt."Dahyun chuckles. "I'm not talking about my weight. That's one of the things I'm not insecure about."Momo pulls Dahyun in for a hug and nuzzles her nose into the girl's hair. "I want to take you out of your thoughts before you're lost. I hate losing you."Momo pulls back enough to gaze into Dahyun's wet eyes, her thumb grazing along flushed and wet skin. That's all it takes. Momo's loving smile as Dahyun buries her head into the girl's shoulder. Dahyun lets out a choked sigh, her body shuddering with the effort to loosen her posture. Her arms and hands fall limp, laying on the counter as Momo pulls her in further.Momo lets Dahyun bawl into her embrace, her muted pain finally unraveling at Momo's mere touch. Dahyun keeps crying until she can get a few words out."I'm sorry," Dahyun mumbles under her breath, amidst a storm of hiccups and sobs. Her voice is small, ready to hide out of her own shame, but Momo holds her and refuses to let her run."It's okay, baby."It's been five minutes of both Dahyun's tears and the faucet running, but the former has finally stopped. At least for now it has, since her crying happens on and off, but she has calmed down now, and that's what matters. They only notice the faucet now that it's quiet again. Momo turns it off before focusing on Dahyun.Momo is wiping away Dahyun's tears, pushing her hair aside, running her thumbs along her lashes to clear her vision. She doesn't need to ask if Dahyun is okay anymore. She knows that the girl will be, even if she still feels a little down now.