You know you can (1/2)

There he was, sitting on the couch, watching a movie, looking focused like a chess player. Is that Donnie Darko... again? Seokmin's been obsessing with that movie for the last two weeks. His face looks as if he's watching it for the first time, though. Should I sit beside him? Well, I'd like to, but I'm not a 'watch the same movie multiple times in a short time span' person.

"Minghao..."

Huh? I thought he wasn't aware of me being here. He just made a hand gesture for me to sit; his eyes not leaving the screen. Well, I... can't really refuse, I guess. My body kind of moved automatically at his voice calling my name. So... I'm beside Seokmin now, pretending to watch the movie. And all I hear is my own heartbeat. Ain't I pathetic? Why the hell am I feeling anxious as if expecting something? What could possibly happen? We've been sitting like this countless times, and every single time I feel like... a girl on her first date, or, I don't know... Do girls feel like this on their first date? Ok, that's good, Minghao - keep thinking about that, and... think some more about social constructs, eh, politics...martial arts, ancient aliens... Donnie Darko actually seems more interesting on second viewing. Ha! That's right. I'm calm and stable now like a leaf in the... What the??! Ok, he just decided to lay down... his head placed on my lap. Now, this is new. Well I'm not calm any more. I hope I'm good at pretending to be calm, though. Damn you Seokmin, it must be comfy laying there, using me as a pillow, huh? I guess I'll just sit frozen, look at the screen, and act chill. Stop overthinking... I should stop overthinking.

It's definitely been more than 15 minutes... me sitting here, not moving... his head still on my lap. I hope he doesn't start to feel awkwardness I'm feeling. Does he still look focused on the movie? I don't have the courage to look down. But I really, really want to. Again, my heartbeat becomes too damn loud. I mustn't look down, not now, not... Shit! He's looking up at me! It'd be super lame if I broke eye contact now, ha?

"Sooo, what's your theory?"

His eyes are smiling and my thoughts are racing.

"What the, what?"

I'm pretty aware of my stupid half-grin now.

"This is the fourth time I've watched this movie and none of my theories seem solid any more..."

Oh, the movie ended! Think, Minghao, think!

"My theory... Eh, the world, everything makes sense, when our intelligence evolves... we'll see all process of struggle... is to learn more and accept ourselves as... as every form... dead or alive, future and past, and, um... yes, the point is to understand everything by being... eh..."

Oh my everything! Did I just do that? I promised not to philosophize until my Korean was perfect. Why does Seokmin still look so happy? His smile couldn't get wider if he tried. He's like a Cheshire cat. A very handsome cat. Ugh! I should stop thinking about stupid stuff. Stop. My face is burning red and he's aware of that. That's why he looks so amused. He's lying on his back now, his head comfortable on my lap. My eyes are fixed on his face and my neck should hurt by now. No. Don't. Damn it! My hand just moved on its own. Well... not really, but... Why? Why is my hand touching his face? The jawline, the super sharp jawline. Yes, I'm feeling it now; sharpness confirmed. Now... his nose... why am I so fascinated by Seokmin's nose?

"What are you doing?"

Did he just ask that... cutely? I mean, Seokmin’s aegyo normally is a cringeworthy experience, but this was something else. Am I reading mischievousness on his face?? Oh my. Ok... So... Calm down, inhale...

"Heh... um... I was just... I..."

Shit! That was lame. I'm sooo lame!

"Touching my face? Why? Do you like my face, Minghao?"

Damn you! How dare you? What is this? Dorky and funny Seokmin I know wouldn't whisper my name like that! And what's with that smug half-smile now? His eyes are warm and friendly, though... and that dreamy gaze... I just... If this is a game...

"Oh yes, I do. If you only knew what I do to you in my dreams at night..."

In Mandarin! That was brave, Minghao, a medal for you! Sigh...

A pause, and then...

"You... what... you do... ? Tell me."

Shiiite! How, why??! Seokmin just answered in broken Mandarin! When did he learn... I don't... Ok, I'm starting to panic now. He looks genuinely curious. My lap is finally free, and he's sitting next to me now, piercing me with his gaze. I've lost all the courage I had, can't even look at him...

A laugh? Is he laughing? And here comes embarrassment I've been fearing all along. I wanted to teleport to a random temple on a random mountain and in a two or three years convince myself I've reached enlightenment... or... whatever...

"Ah, you cuuute, cute person!"