Chapter 1 (1/1)

There was a time in my life when I felt that I could've done better. How I wished I could've been a better person. There was a time when I appreciated everything else around me: How I suddenly loved the blue tint of the sky and its white patches... how I suddenly loved the sound of the cars passing by... how I suddenly loved the feeling of the mid-November breeze. I stepped on the red mat and the glass doors automatically slid open. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the call I received over a week ago. The call was odd. Odd enough that made me do an appointment. There was white everywhere and all I could smell was the strong scent of antiseptic which penetrated my delicate taste buds. That's why I hated going to these kind of places. I could only focus on how to breathe normally. I asked the nurse at the lobby and told me to go to the second floor where Dr. Nam is probably waiting. She randomly told me on how Dr. Nam used to be at the first floor but because of the smell, he moved. I didn't get how that makes any difference. I rode the elevator going up and after the two-second nauseous move, I got off the second floor. I remembered how I used to tell my mom that I hate hospitals. She used to drag me in for my monthly shots and used to bribe me that we'll get ice cream afterwards. I remembered how I used to endure the pain of the syringes and endure the smell of my own blood. I remembered how she used to kiss the painful part over the band-aid. I remembered how she used to be my mom. I walked toward the hallway looking at every door. There were several ones that had a name on it and I finally spotted one door that says 'Dr. Nam Hyun Joong, Medical Oncologist, M.D.'. My mind was boggled by the thought of what does oncologist mean, but then I have a gut feeling that anything medical related doesn't mean good. Generally they just don't. I knocked then opened the door when someone said "Come in." I bowed after I made sure the door was closed. "How may I help you?" The man took off his glasses and showed the brightest set of teeth I've ever seen. "I'm Byun Baekhyun. One of the test subjects from two weeks ago." I introduced. "Yes... I remember," he then took of his glasses and gestured me to sit down. He opened one of the drawers from behind him then took a very thick brown envelope. He's murmuring my last name as he opened the envelope then scanned through the pages. On what seemed to have been 5 minutes, he took out three-page stapled papers. He examined each page before speaking. "I believe there is something you have to know about the results." "Something important not worth telling over the phone, I suppose," I said. "Indeed," he smiled like he thought I knew what this was about. "Let me explain," like I have any choice. "You were chosen as one of the subjects not because we did it by random draw. But because of your medical history," "Everyone as well, right?" "Yes. Yes. I think you know who I'm referring to," then his smile was gone which was replaced by a grim look. His serious tone was making me uneasy, making stomach turn upside down. "I'm afraid you have the same situation as your mother." The sound was gone. I couldn't hear anything but the deafening silence. My mind was preoccupied by thoughts I never knew I would think of. The possibilities, I should say. There it was... the strong smell of antiseptic. All I could do was sit there and look at his aged eyes. I could never forget how he looked at me like it was nothing. The feeling like he hypnotized me or made me swallow a bottle of anesthesia. Finally, I felt my mouth again. All I could make out was a mere "I'm sorry?" "Mr. Byun... you only have three months to live." ... I started to open up my umbrella. The sky was crying. My whole world was enveloped by a weary feeling. The sidewalks were filled with people hugging their coats and some at the waiting shed, checking if the rain would stop any moment because they forgot to bring umbrellas. The sky didn't care. I took out the pocket watch from my right coat pocket. Pressing the the button on top revealed, of course, a mechanical clock. Also a picture of two people. One of the faces was mine and the other is my 'best friend', Yifan. The watch read 4:15 pm. Should I tell him? It put a smile on my face thinking how he'd react. Will he be the same old him, keeping the cool and just ignore me? He was never a best friend to me. In fact he doesn't want to be. I don't want him to be. He's more than that: confidant, brother... a shoulder-to-cry-on. I wished I could've been a better person to him. We never knew each other that well. He was always formal to me during our college years. But he was the only one who talked to me. None of my classmates did try to interact with me. They couldn't possibly be seen together with people of my 'kind'. People are cruel. Society is the product of its foolishness. Then one night, my own flesh and blood - family as they call it - threw me out on a wretched rain like this. They found out I am gay... that I love differently. At least they cared to pack my things. But when they threw the bag, my clothes spilled on the wet street. "I don't have a gay for a son!" My father slammed the door while my siblings were just there, crying by his side. The words of my father repeated in my head like it was a broken record. The sky cried like it was never going to stop and it didn't care. Suddenly there were shoes in front of me, and then I thought the rain stopped but I could still hear them like needles as every drop touched the pavement. I looked up and saw him. Yifan. He's the man of a few words... the man with the expressionless face... the man with the cold look in his eyes. He was the man who never said anything and helped me up. He was the man who heard that I am the gay son who never deserved a family. He was the man who never looked down on me and never gave up even when the others already did. Now I thought how leaving this man after everything he did for me could be so heart-breaking. He's the only family I know. He's the only one I've got. I stopped and opened up the gate. It creaked and the metal bangged as I closed it. I ran inside. I could hear the muffled sound of the television and shouted "I'm home." I took of my coat and walked in front of the television leaving the keys on top of it. I see soccer was on. "Who's winning?" I asked. "As usual," and by as usual he means he doesn't care. I looked at him and he was busy tapping his fingers on his phone, probably texting his girlfriend. "How's Yuri?" I asked. I opened the refrigerator, looked if there was still something edible. "We broke up. This is a new one," "Ooohh, bummer. I really liked Yuri for you though. You guys seem good together. Let me guess... Taeyeon?" "She's too conservative and I'm way out of her league. This is one of your colleagues." "Ah. Goo Hara." "Uh-huh," so it is. He's not as cool as I thought him to be. Fooling around with girls like they were about to run out of supply or something. "Interested with my check up today?"as I was about to give up looking, I saw a carton box of milk. "You went to a hospital?!" I heard him stood up then he materialized at the kitchen door frame. "Yup." I said then tried to chug down the last remaining milk from the carton box. His eyes got wide and asked, "Are you pregnant?!" And damn that milk could've satisfied my empty stomach. It quenched the floor instead. "Am I the father?!" He followed up. I threw the box at him but he caught it. He still had that serious face though. "It's worse than that," seemed that he didn't take it seriously. "Are they twins?" "Are you listening to yourself?" He then smiled and sat down. I made myself busy by cleaning up. "So, what did the doctor said?" It felt like someone punched me. I wished the floor was flooded with milk. I stood up and walked slowly to the sink. The running water suddenly felt like a thousand needles pricking my hand. I could hear him tapping his fingers again. "I'm going to die," I turned off the faucet and waited. The tapping of his fingers stopped. Dreaded. Nothing. I heard a chair shifted then I felt his presence just right behind me. "I didn't - quite catch that." He said. "What is? That I'm going to-" "BAEKHYUN! Turn. Around. And. Look. At. Me." I did as I was told. "What did the fucking doctors said?" He said it with a straight face. I could laugh if it was a funny moment. "I'm going to-" "Don't." He turned his back and walked away. He turned off the television. "Just tell me when you're more serious. It is not something you say casually to someone important while washing a dirty cloth." He went outside. The guilt punched me again and the room suddenly felt dry. It was hard to breathe. This was what I'm about to leave. A broken man. I was the only one who understood him. My world started to crumble.