Far Away Again (1/1)

The smell of frying eggs brings Joohyun to her senses the next morning, bright and early around nine o’clock. She shuffles into the kitchen half asleep, rubbing away the sleep that still coated her eyes. “Sseul?” Joohyun murmurs out of habit as she turns the corner, calling out for her girlfriend.         But rather than the image of Seulgi, she’s greeted by the sight of Seungwan flipping pancakes over the stove. The other woman’s back remained turned, as if she hadn’t heard Joohyun over the sizzling of the simmering breakfast food.         Joohyun was more than thankful for that. She still wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. She didn’t know when she would ever be ready to talk about it.          The accident.          Seulgi.         The coma.         “Good morning,” Joohyun greets in a louder voice, slipping into one of the chairs set by the kitchen table. Her best friend turns around with a giant grin, “What’s up, sleeping beauty?”        A sense of normalcy washes over the two of them, complimented by a comfortable silence broken only by Seungwan’s light humming as she cooked. Joohyun sat and listened to Seungwan sing and flip the pancakes over until they were a golden-brown hue and the bacon and eggs had been finished.        In the past, it hadn’t been unusual for Seungwan to sleepover at Joohyun’s house when they were kids. Even within the last few years, her best friend had crashed on her couch every now and again after a late night or if she merely wanted to spend time together.        Yet as Seungwan slid a plate over to Joohyun as she sat down across from her, Joohyun couldn’t help feeling the emptiness of the chair beside her. That was where Seulgi would always sit when they ate together. For a moment, as Joohyun stared at it, she could almost imagine Seulgi sitting there as well, winking at her as she stole a piece of bacon off of her plate.        “I’ll only be going to work to sort out my schedule,” Seungwan noted as she picked at her food, distracting the tears that were beginning to glitter in Joohyun’s vision. The Canadian always seemed to unintentionally know when Joohyun was slipping back into her thoughts. “I should be able to join you when you visit Seulgi later today.”        When Seungwan leaves, freshly showered and wearing a set of Joohyun’s clothes, she pulls Joohyun into a warm embrace. “I’ll text you when I’m on my way over to the hospital,” Seungwan promises, winking before seeing herself out the front door.        Joohyun knows that Seungwan’s merely putting up a fantastic front, and appreciates the way Seungwan maintains her smile until she’s out of Joohyun’s sight.        She’d heard Seungwan sobbing in her sleep last night, she’d tried to wake her best friend up, but nothing would stir the Canadian. Joohyun was left holding Seungwan’s shuddering form, her own tears mingling with Seungwan’s.        As she watches Seungwan drive off, she couldn’t help but think back on Seulgi’s disembodied voice, ringing through her ears. Her girlfriend wasn’t gone yet, but she already seemed like a ghost haunting her everyday life.         “Please come back to me,” Joohyun repeats the message softly to herself, leaning her head on her doorframe. The tail lights of Seungwan’s car disappear from view, leaving her truly alone. For a moment, Joohyun studied the gray dreariness of the overcast, angry sky, as if seeking an answer in the heavens.        Was it normal for people to hear the sound of someone who isn’t there?         She paused, listening for a response. This time, there was no voice of her comatose lover, nor any apparition descending from above. She was left alone in the silence of the morning, second guessing every second since the accident had happened.        That had been the second time Joohyun could’ve sworn she’d heard Seulgi’s voice…but her girlfriend was nowhere to be found.         What could it all mean?         Deciding she was merely just worried sick about Seulgi and that her mind was playing tricks on her, Joohyun bit her lip till she tasted iron.         Then, she promptly whirled back into her apartment, set on getting ready in order to quickly hail a cab to the hospital for her visit. She needed the comfort of a long, warm shower and another cup of coffee before she felt ready enough to start the day.   **         Joohyun walks towards Seulgi’s room timidly with the vase of roses clutched in her hands, feeling more anxious than she’d ever felt before. She’d forgotten to leave them behind yesterday, and still wanted to help decorate the sparse space of Seulgi’s room.        Once again, she was walking within the hospital’s cold and clinical corridors. It felt as though she were walking deep underground in some brightly lit crypt.         The moment she’d stepped foot inside the building, the industrial AC system sent a chill down to her very bones. If she hadn’t had the forethought to throw on a sweater before leaving her apartment, Joohyun knew she’d practically be freezing to death.        During the entire cab ride to the hospital, Joohyun had been desperate to get to Seulgi as fast as possible. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt as though she were running out of time. She had remained on the edge of her seat, her nerve endings jittering in a frenzy of panic.        She’d asked the driver to punch the gas numerous times, feeling her heart rate quicken as the car approached the hospital. Ever since Seungwan had gone to work, Joohyun had been left with a sort of sinking feeling in her chest, like something was extremely wrong but she couldn’t put her finger on what exactly.        She hadn’t been able to shake the ominous sensation off since stepping inside the building. Instead, it loomed over her like the giant skyscrapers of Seoul, completely consuming her thoughts.         A giant smile breaks out on Joohyun’s tense features once she sees her girlfriend’s resting form through the window of the door, however.        She’s still alive, Joohyun thought to herself, breathing a sigh of relief that sends another shockwave of pain to her abdomen. Her anxious feelings dissolved in that instant, as though they had never existed in the first place.        For a moment, she ponders over her irrational fear of Seulgi’s wellbeing being in danger. They were in one of the most highly regarded hospitals in all of Seoul, staffed with the best fleet of doctors and nurses. Why wouldn’t Seulgi be okay?        Joohyun readies herself to open the door with a stinging deep breath, urging herself to be strong for not only her sake, but for Seulgi’s. I can do this, Joohyun thought to herself, I could wait a million years for Seulgi. She slowly turns the handle of Seulgi’s hospital room, then takes a heavy step forward across the threshold.        A second after her eyes settle on Seulgi’s figure, Seulgi’s heart rate monitor stops registering a heartbeat. The door slams shut behind her, and her feet drag against the tile floor as she takes a few steps into the room.        Never before had Joohyun thought that death could have a sound, let alone such a paralyzing, terrifying one. Yet she was witnessing it before eyes, hearing it with her own ears.        Instantly, the smile that had been dancing across her features freezes in place.        Seulgi’s mother opens her mouth, her lips moving in a silent scream Joohyun can no longer hear. It’s almost as if she’s watching the scene take place from outside of her own body, unable to move or think or breathe, with the ringing of Seulgi’s flat heart rate blaring in her ears.        A set of nurses in blue scrubs push past Joohyun a moment later, no doubt having heard Mrs. Kang’s wild cries. Out of shock from the intrusion, Joohyun drops the vase of flowers.        The glass shatters to the floor, and she stares at the brittle pieces, reminded of the accident that had taken Seulgi away from her in the first place.        No one pays her any mind in particular. All of the medical staff are much too focused on trying to keep Seulgi alive to bother with ushering Joohyun or her mother out of the tension filled room.        A doctor has joined the nurses by her girlfriend’s hospital bed, and the three medical professionals begin hovering over Seulgi’s lifeless body with the utmost urgency. Each of their hardened faces are lined with concern and practiced composure, but there’s a rush about their movements, a desperation glittering in their eyes.        All of them pretend not to hear Mrs. Kang’s wailing, merely talking over the sound in loud tones Joohyun still can’t exactly discern. There’s a flurry of hands, the exchanging of a large needle, as well as the constant motion of mouths and limbs.        Joohyun can barely stand and watch, weakly leaning against the side of the wall for support. She can’t seem to will any of her muscles to lurch forward, to get a better view, to see her lover’s face for the last time before it’s too late.         One of the nurses breaks out a large defibrillator device and begins to charge it as the doctor himself begins performing CPR. Mrs. Kang collapses in one of the hospital chairs beside the bed, looking on at her dying daughter with tears spilling over onto her cheeks.         “Recharge!” The doctor yells out, his words finally breaking Joohyun out of her reverie.          Seulgi was dying…         Seulgi was dying.         No, that wasn’t quite right.         Seulgi was dead.         Seulgi didn’t have a heartbeat.          They were trying to bring her back to life, right in front of Joohyun, but this wasn’t anything like a dream or movie scene.         Seulgi was losing the battle between life and death, and they all knew it.         The heart rate monitor was still coming out at a constant sound, with no blips or beeps or beats at all. Joohyun looked at the love of her life, took in the lifeless, motionless form laying on the bed that had once held the soul of her beloved. Her eyes betrayed so much raw emotion that if anyone had looked at her in that instance, they would’ve been moved to tears.          She couldn’t stand to even breathe as she silently willed for Seulgi’s heart to kick start back to life again.         After watching for what seemed like an eternity, Joohyun finally forced herself to shuffle forward. Her steps cracked over the glass and flower petals of the shattered vase of roses, each piece glittering beneath the frigid light of the hospital room.        A desperation had filled her with enough courage to come forward. She needed to see her. She needed to look one last time at her lover’s peaceful expression before the medical staff gave up on her.         She watched as Seulgi’s body rose inches up off the bedspread, then and fall lifelessly from the force of the electric current rushing through her limp body.        She could hear the sound of Mrs. Kang’s faint sobbing in the background, as well as the doctor shaking his head and saying, “Again!”        There was the ever-looming sound of the heart rate monitor in the small breaks of silence between the shocks and the recharging.        For the third time, the emergency team sent a current throughout Seulgi’s body in an attempt to revive her, but the young woman’s heart wouldn’t budge. She refused to come back.        Sweating profusely, the doctor turned solemnly to Mrs. Kang and shook his head, wiping his face with a handkerchief. Joohyun reached Seulgi’s side just as he’d finished putting the dampened cloth back into his lab coat pocket.        She slipped her hand into one of Seulgi’s limp outstretched palms, and moved away the thick, black strands of stray hairs covering the fallen woman’s face. Seulgi’s hand felt feverishly warm compared to her own cold and clammy palm.        Joohyun leaned in closer to her girlfriend’s face, disregarding the everything and everyone else in the room.         She still couldn’t believe it.         There must be some sort of malfunction with the machine, she thought to herself, Seulgi wasn’t dead. Any second now, Joohyun was sure that Seulgi would open her eyes and this whole nightmare would be over. This had to be some kind of dream she would wake up from any moment now.          Seulgi couldn’t be dead.         Joohyun loved Seulgi.         Seulgi loved Joohyun.         Seulgi couldn’t be dead.