Guilty (1/1)

Let's say Tao felt very much like he just woke up after a failed suicide attempt. It sounded extreme but really. There was no better way to describe it. It meant his raging emotions, his throbbing heart, his shivering hands, his clattering teeth, and his nails biting tendencies. He’s never so afraid in his entire life. He’s terrified, to be honest.Ever since Jamie and Sehun left, Tao had never set a foot off the bed, even if the discomfort was killing his spine. The boy kept staring at the cream-colored wall of his small hospital room, eyes bloodshot as though he hadn’t slept for days. His already prominent dark eye bags were even more prominent, darker.To sum it up, Tao looked awful.“Tao, please get some sleep. Or at least eat something. You’re scaring me.” Suho pleaded, wiping Tao’s eyes boogers with a wet tissue.“I’m not sleepy. Or hungry.” The panda monotonously replied as Suho sighed, shaking his head in utter defeat.“You’re gonna be the death of me kids.” The guardian sighed again before standing up, heading his head low, giving up on coaxing Tao to at least take care of himself, amidst all the messy fighting with his beloved hoobae. “I’ll be back later on. Get some rest. We still need to practice. D-day is approaching.” He reminded the M maknae, shutting the door behind him, sighing again.Normally, he would tease Suho for being such a grandpa but he’s not in the mood today. All he could think of was how could he face Jamie after all the hurt he caused her.She probably despised me. After all, I would do the same.Too caught up in his thoughts, he didn't notice a presence sitting down on the stool beside him. A presence he very much want to avoid, or rather wanted them not to see him in this miserable state."Sunbae." Her voice weavered as she dropped her head low, dodging Tao's shocked-filled orbs."Jamie! What are you doing here?""Visiting you? What kind of hoobae am I not visiting my favorite sunbae?" She chuckled but it only increased the pain stabbing at Tao's heart.He never felt so hurt before."I-I t-thought after... uh.. umm... y-you k-know... y-you'll never w-want to s-see me a-again...""Who said that?""I-If I were y-you, I w-wouldn't want to s-see m-myself again..." Tao mumbled dejectedly."But you're not me. So I'm going to see you everyday until you're allowed to go home." Jamie smiled, smoothing out Tao's bird nest hair.The boy sniffled, startling the young girl. Flustered, she didn't know what to do as she instinctively wrapped her arms around him, rubbing his back in hopes of calming down his sobs. "What's wrong sunbae? Why are you crying? Don't cry.""I'm s-so s-sorry, I-I r-really a-am. I-I'm sorry." Tao sobbed as his tears wetted Jamie's shirt. The boy kept apologized while Jamie silently patted his back. He didn’t know how long he cried, burying his face into her shoulder nor how many times she stroked his jet black hay-like hair but, except for Tao’s sobs, the silence was something they both desperately need. Maybe along with the silence, Tao could sort out his scrambling thoughts, place them back together and fix this big unwanted agonizingly painful mess. Maybe along with the silence, Jamie could sort out hers as well, put them in a neat order and settle this heart-breaking matter.“Sunbae.” Jamie began softly with an undefinable tone underlay disguised affection.Sensing a terrible outcome, Tao gulped. He sniffled twice as he lifted his face to looking at Jamie’s eyes, scared of what he could see in her pretty dark orbs. His heart cracked as eyes met eyes - it’s inevitable, isn’t it - he asked himself.“You know where this is going, don’t you sunbae?” Jamie smiled, but her eyes didn’t. She stared at her favorite sunbae as he stared back, his cheeky, confident and mesmerizing eyes weren’t there anymore, in place, they were red, tired and sad. So sad they made Jamie’s nose stung a little. But she resisted.“I-” Tao wanted to apologize all over again, no matter how many times he had to. His eyes darted back and forth anxiously, as if he was searching for a way, a way to escape this dreadful situation, a way to hold onto her, hold onto that small spark of hope. Just a fragment, a tenth of fragment even, that’s enough for him.“I’m going to cut you off there, sunbae.” Jamie’s voice was stern, slightly wavering, but stern. Tao’s inside felt like it was cut up into small pieces, like it was shoved into a high speed ventilating fan.That hope was his greed, his selfishness, his sin. And he’s paying for it.“I love you, sunbae.” Jamie chuckled as she managed to fit her folded legs onto the small stool. Her voice was bubbly as she confessed. She sounded proud of what she said. She sounded almost too happy for her stiff smile. It’s hard to watch, how two scenes mismatched. But Tao knew best not to interrupt so he kept his gaze at his entwined fingers, fiddling with the white sheets, laughing mentally at the purity of the color, in comparison to shade of his soul.“I love you, not like a sunbae, a brother or friend. But as a man, a person who’s beside me whenever I need a shoulder. And your decision to keep me by your side despite all the shit looks people gave you when we’re together, I feel like you’ve saves me, no, you save me. And it’s fact in one way or another. You save me from that boring, repetitive routine of my everyday life. You save me from going into depression for the second time in my life. You introduce me to wonderful people. I feel truly appreciated and loved. I may look like I don’t give a single fuck but I do. It was just painfully pathetic when nobody could see me for who I am not what I show them. I developed a hatred for everything and everyone. Sometimes I would just stare at nothing, wondering if anybody would start to notice. Just one person. Just one was enough for me. And you bring me many times more. I truly feel, honestly for a long time, that a place was reserved for me somewhere. It was just hard to find. But it was there. And you helped me find it. Though small and insignificant it appeared, I couldn’t be more grateful. Then I fell in love with you. The cheeky, annoying, cringe-worthy but considerate and above all the most selfless person I’ve met. You were my rock, literally. I tried so hard to hold onto you. Because one slip, just one small slip, I could lose you. And I would do anything in this world for that not to happen. Even if it meant getting beat up by thugs, bullied by stupid jealous little girls, or sexually harassed by that idiotic pervert. I just want you to be next to me, beside me, and it’s very selfish but I don’t think I could handle you leaving me. It’s a sight I couldn’t handle. And you don’t know how many nightmares I had and every one of them was like a bad song on loop.”Jamie sighed heavily, like she had spoken for an hour. Her voice was throaty and rough. Little droplets brimmed her pretty lashes but they refused to leave. Her breath ragged slightly and she shivered. She tried to will the memories away but it was harder than she thought. Without her consent, her body started to shake as if the room’s temperature dropped to 0 degrees. She rubbed her own arms for warmth, squeezing her eyes tightly shut while a drop dripped down her cheek. She tried, like she did every night, to will those ugly thoughts away. But it’s not working this time round. Not when her heart throbbed excruciatingly against her ribcage, not when her lungs contracted, made it hard for her to breath. Not when Tao was there. Next to her, beside her, but not with her. Not when he’s in arm reach but she couldn’t touch him.Before Tao could encircle his strong and warm arms around her, she turned away, a sign to leave her be. She didn’t need his help. But Tao was desperately aching to just gather her small body to snuggle under his arms. Like they always do when he comforted her.I guess that’s not gonna happen anymore, is it?“I will always come to see you sunbae. Until they let you out.” Jamie suddenly spoke. Her voice was still coarse but it sounded better than those incoherent pant, scaring the wits of Tao. “And I won’t stop loving you. At least not for while. It’s hard for me to let go whenever I’m attached so yea.” Jamie grinned, and again it’s sickening how fake her smile was. “I will always come back to you sunbae. But one day, I believe I would find that place or person that I always come back to.”She then released the fold of her legs, sliding her feet back into her 2-sizes-bigger Marc Ecko’s boots. Jamie slowly pulled out a small package as she handed it to Tao who eyed it with mild curiosity. His teary eyes gazed the questionable random parcel, wrapped prettily with dark blue tissue paper, adorned with a cute silver bow.“A little small gift I prepared a week ago. I hope it could be useful for you.” Jamie’s lips curled up in a semi-genuine smile. One that she didn’t entirely force out. Tao’s eyes followed the tiniest gesture she made, from brushing her long bangs back, to smoothing out a small crease at the hem of her T-shirt. He noticed how her T shirt was heavily wrinkled, each side of her jeans were unevenly rolled up and her different color socks. He then realized how messed up she was for the past day.“I r-really don’t know h-how... how... just how many t-times I had said the word ‘sorry’. I really d-don’t know. B-but I don’t care. I j-just want you to know, that I know that you possibly c-could never, and by never I mean never, that forgive me for this. J-just p-please keep in mind, that you are precious to me. I c-could never h-have asked for better.”Little did Tao know, she had already forgiven him. But her feelings for him weren’t the same anymore. “Hey.” “Hey.” Jamie greeted back, smiling at the boy in front of her.“How is it?” He asked as he took her hand in his.“It’s okay.”“You called me an idiotic pervert.” The boy pouted, mocking extreme sadness, trying to push his brows downwards in a comical way.Jamie snorted at the ridiculous gesture. “Admit it. You are a pervert. And an idiot. Not to mention, sucks at fighting. I totally kicked your ass last time.”Kyungmin cleared his throat, coughing to cover up his rosy cheeks. He stirred her away from his allegedly defeat against a 5 feet 1 petite girl. “Did you give it to him?”“I did. I mean it belongs to him.” She sighed, leaning her forehead against his shoulder. “What you said earlier...”“What about it?” He raised an eyebrow at her odd behavior. He cupped her face between his palms, stroking her cheeks, lifted her eyes up to meet his. “Are you having second thoughts?”“No... it’s just... are you sure...” She croaked, closing her eyes and removed his hands.His face fell a little but he quickly masked it with a grin. He ruffled her hair as it puffed up into a wild bush-like bundle. “I’m sure. Little kitty you’re underestimating me.”“It’s not about underestimation or matter of doubts. It’s something nobody deserved. You get me?”“I do. And I do think I deserve so much after what I did. Count it as repenting for my sins.” He smiled before grabbing her wrist all of the sudden, pulling her along the corridor of the gloomy hospital. The boy snickered in glee as he dragged the small confused surprised girl despite her protests.“Yah! You’re crazy?! Stop stupid idiotic monkey!” She whispered-yelled as they ran past older patients who were giving them stink eyes. “It’s a hospital we’re not supposed to run!”“I know that kitty!” He whispered-yelled back. “But we need to get out as fast as possible! I have something very cool to show you!” And so she couldn’t persuade the hyper boy to stop, she decided to just go along and hopefully keep themselves out of trouble.*Please read A/N*Author's Note Quite a sappy chapter isn't it? *sigh* Well Tao's heart is broken, Sehunnie's is as well. Kyungmin is getting it though. I have a big problem is that the longer the gaps between the chapter, I started to forget what I previously wrote. That sucks. Like really sucks. Hopefully I don't bore my precious subscribers. To the people who subscribed, you are the best! You made me really happy whenever a notification popped up. I'm not much of a social butterfly so I don't message you guys personally. So don't misunderstand and think that I don't care about you guys. I really appreciate the time you guys spent reading stuffs I wrote. I don't exactly need to be extremely popular or anything. This is just a way for me to release the tensions and have a little fun aside from my usual routine. So thank you for making an effort to read this. And forgive me if it sucks sometimes. It's my sem break and I'll try to write as much as possible. Thanks again and toodles~ :) xoxo