[M] Me and You (1/1)

When words are not words anymore because it's typed.When words are just a combination of letters, of characters that's supposed to stand for an idea. How does one pick the combination? How does one realize that these character have to go together? That they belong together?It's beyond me how people tend to be like words. It's the "me" and the "you" that when put together is supposed to make perfect sense. But somehow once it has attached itself to the other, the essence of each is somehow lost. "You" are not the you we started with and "I" am not myself anymore. We become what we strive and expect of each other until there is nothing left of ourselves.~~~ August 2012"You used to not care about those things. Why do you all of a sudden want to label us? We've gone along fine without putting a label in our relationship." Kris says this to his other half."You really don't get it do you? Why do I have to explain this? This should just be common sense." Tao has gone tired of saying these words over and over. Every time the other goes out or even talks to another man, his inside boils of anger and jealousy. He shrivels into a mess of insecurities because of this prolonged "thing". This thing that they call relationship."I come home to you! Why does it matter what I do outside of this relationship? I'm not doing anything stupid?" Kris has grown frustrated of their "routine".Yes. It's become a routine. He would work as a bartender in his own night club. With the job, comes late nights and of course talking to people. He would go to Tao's apartment late and tipsy, and he would have Tao to answer to.Kris thinks he's cut out for this sort of job, a bartender, because he loves interacting with people. Also he's always been a night person. He never saw himself the early riser that wakes up to coffee and that would dress in suits and ties. He never liked the inevitability of a routine.He doesn't really like staying put in one place either. He works in different bars/clubs and manages to shuffle his schedule so that he's never in the same bar in the same day of the week as the one before. Kris knows himself to easily be bored of things. Matter of fact he leased his car because he hates the fact that he is committed to something for so long with out the freedom of changing it later. So every three years he changes his car. This trait is proven for everything he owns and does.He went to college after high school and studied Language but later got bored of it. So he changed majors and tried Accounting but he dreaded going to an office everyday having to don business wear. In the end, he stopped school all together and started a night club chain. His father who wanted him to do business, preferably take over theirs, gave up and decided to just go along with his child's wishes. He gave him some capital to open up a club that ended up booming in just months. Later on he opened two more clubs and he's earned his money not just from the club but also working in it as a bartender. Kris is what you may call a natural business man. This is probably one of the things that Tao hates about Kris. Although he has to admit that this is also what he loved about him from the start, his spontaneity. They met in the most cliche way. Kris the bartender, Tao the great dancer. There were drinks, dancing and then sex after. Ever since then, they became each other's escape. Tao the one to be neat and organized would call Kris when he wants to be spontaneous and escape from his boring life as a broker. Kris on the other called his relationship the only thing that is permanent in his life. But he is not one to really commit. They have been sleeping with each other for two years now and not once have Kris said anything committing like an "I love you" or something in that effect that equates to what may seem to be a commitment or assurance. Tao has offered the other to live-in with him since the older boy sleeps in his house mostly every night anyways, but Kris refuses.The worst thing, the one thing that really kills Tao is the fact that Kris not once introduced him to his friends. He has met one friend, Chanyeol and that's because he came over Tao's apartment to drop off something urgent for Kris. Even at that rare moment, Tao expected to at least be properly introduced but he apparently expected too much. Because Kris just said "Tao, Chanyeol. Chanyeol, Tao. Chanyeol is the one that manages the night club downtown." After that the introduction was cut short and Chanyeol was on his way back to the club. There was no "by the way this is my lover, my friend, or my boyfriend. Nothing. He hoped for anything as long as the word "my" was attached to it. But of course, it was far-fetched. December 13, 2012"You're hopeless Kris. I can't do this anymore. I want to settle down too. I want to know that you're mine and mine only.  I don't want to share you with anyone. I want just us, nothing more nothing less." Tao tries one more time. He's said this to the other a million times now. But as usual the fight gets out of hand and Kris wont respond. Tao will usually let Kris walk out the door and sure enough after three days he will get a phone call from the latter saying that he misses him and he wants to see him. Tao would falter and cave every time because a begging Kris is just that irresistible. Another routine for Kris that he succumbs to. It seemed to Tao that he's only been that to Kris,  a routine. Kris's gotten used to Tao and his unconditional love for him but he took it for granted. His friends envied him even encouraged him to settle down but Kris would only laugh at the thought. Although he can not see himself settle down, he thought if it was Tao he probably would consider it someday. But not now.But this time Tao is fed up with being the routine and has reached his limit.After three days, Kris turns on his phone and dials a familiar number. A lady speaks."The number you have dialed has been disconnected. Please check the number and dial again." Kris looks at his phone once more to check the contact name. "Zitao".He redials and calls him again, but the same message plays on the other end. He decided to pay him a visit instead. "He's playing hard to get" Kris smirks at the thought of Tao changing things up this time around. He walks towards his closet and pulls out his duffle bag. He remembers the black backpack and decides that he'll use it to soften up Mr. Sentimental Panda.  December 5, 2012It was a black ordinary backpack. Tao carried it around everyday.  Kris has offered to buy an expensive one for him but he refused all the time. There was something about the bag that intrigued Kris. Was it given to Tao by someone special? One day, Kris came home and eyes the backpack that was atop the counter. Tao was taking a shower and he couldn't help but be nosy. He opened the bag and snooped inside it. But there was nothing special about it. He was growing tired of the bag. It was starting to tear in one corner and there was fringe on the end of the little latch that was the zipper.*He would have to get a new one if I..* Kris thought and quickly took the bag and hid it inside his duffle bag. There was barely anything in it and he was able to fold it and hide it in his bag.The next day, Kris woke up to Tao who was rummaging in his apartment. Kris slept over again. Tao never wakes him because he knew the other was tired from working late that night but this morning was different. He is especially looking for his backpack and he needed Kris's help."Kris, I really need you to help me. I can't find my bag. I know I brought it with me home.""nnggggg.." Kris just moaned turned his head away. Tao now tries to shake him. "Please, help."He hates being woken up really early especially for a bag that he hates so much. "It's time for you to get a new one anyways so fuck off. Let me go back to sleep." Kris hissed at Tao.Tao plops next to him and sighs. Kris notices and turns his head to see Tao's face. He was so heartbroken. His eyes watery."What's so special about that bag anyways that you can't seem to part with it? I'll get you a Gucci one today. Will that make you happy?"Tao just lowered his head like nothing the other said had any effect on him."That bag... I worked so hard for that. I work hard for all my stuff. That bag was the first thing I bought with my first pay check. It might not be anything to you but I've grown accustomed to using the same bag everyday. I like the fact that it goes with with everything I wear and it has meaning, a sort of sentimental value. It's my hard work and I'm proud of it." Tao let out another sigh.Kris couldn't grasp the concept. It was just an old bag. He merely chuckles to himself and turns his head again. I'll get you a Gucci one today. Matter of fact I'll get you two so you can change it up often." He closes his eyes and goes back to sleep. December 16, 2012He puts the backpack in a nice gift bag and he decides to go to Tao's apartment to surprise him instead. He hasn't seen the other for three days all because of that stupid fight. He will use the backpack as a peace offering.Kris does not have a key to his apartment. Tao has offered it to him once but he refused it.It's only 7:10pm and Tao wont be home until around 8:00pm.Kris waits in his car until then and made his way up to the apartment when the dashboard displayed 7:55pm. He stands and waits for Tao by his front door.Minutes passed. Hours then. It's now 10:30pm and Tao is still not home. He knocked a couple of times hoping that he was just mistaken and Tao was probably home already but no response so he figured that the other was still out.He decided that Tao wasn't coming anymore when he looked at his watch and it was already midnight. He's too impatient to wait for Tao but he caught himself staring at the gift bag and recollecting their fight three days ago over and over trying to find some clue until time passed and he's been waiting there for almost four hours. He gets up from sitting on the floor and grabs the bag. He will try again tomorrow. He figured that the other was probably very mad at him and is avoiding him now. He goes back the next day the same time trying to catch Tao at his usual schedule. But no Tao. He repeats this again the day after and the day after that until its already been a month. One night he was finally approached by a new security guard who noticed him wait outside the same door for a couple of hours every night for two days with no response."I was informed that a Mr. Huang Zitao does not live there anymore. I would advise you to please stop loitering in the hallway because I'm starting to receive concerns from the other tenants."Kris just bowed and walked away. Somehow he knew it already. But it was the routine. The essence of Tao that is a routine that made him come back every night and try anyways. He comes back the next night. He rode the escalator and clutched on to the gift bag that is in his one hand and then he walks to the door that used to be Tao's apartment.It's the essence of routine. Tao was his only permanence in this life and now he's gone. He hurts but he fights the tears. He thought he has far detached himself a long time ago. Because nothing in this life is permanent. If you expect the worst and build walls around you, it'll be impossible for pain and heart break to ever penetrate it. But he was wrong. Tao was not just a routine. He wanted to see him all that time. He has kept him constant in his life because he cared and had only invited Tao within those walls he built. But he always had it in him to push Tao away from him because of useless fears. Now all he's left with is Tao's sentiments. He grabbed the black backpack out of the gift bag and just drops the gift bag on the floor. He holds it tight to his chest and closes his eyes.  He then grabs the handle on the top and snakes his one arm through it and slings it on his shoulder.He walks away from the door.~~~~~ Kris carries the black backpack everyday. It wasn't because it became part of a routine, a word he's slowly trying to define for himself, but because of the sentiments of it. He finally understood why Tao looked the way he did that very day he lost the bag. It wasn't the routine, it wasn't about getting used to it. It was its value. That's what Tao tried to tell him.All Tao wanted was to be valued. Sadly enough Kris just figured it out all too late.