Its awkward that you can (1/1)

Although the happenings of that night would be memorable to most because of the acts that had ensued, it was the words that I don’t think will ever leave me. Jonghyun’s arms were so strong. I could feel his muscles move under his skin as his arms wrapped around my waist. Every few moments he would mumble some gibberish about how much he loved me and other macho man stuff that was supposed to be sickeningly romantic. I just nodded along and hummed as a response and that seemed to be all he needed.“So good, so good,” he mumbled again, another kiss pressed against my neck. I smiled a bit.“You love me, don’t you Jinki?” he questioned, his mouth pressing their open kisses across my neck and shoulder again.“Of course,” I mumbled, my mouth still didn’t seem to be able to form coherent sentences quite yet.“Say it. Tell me how much you love me,” Jonghyun commanded. When he said things like this, I realized how boundlessly insecure Jonghyun was. He needed to be reassured every few moments that I did love him, that I wasn’t leaving. He was scared, just like I was, and it was such a comforting thing. It made me understand him. Little holes were being poked in his overly-confident façade and I loved it.“I can’t tell you how much I love you. It’d be too hard,” I answered truthfully. He smiled at that. He started to spout a bit more rubbish.“Mine, aren’t you, Jinki? You’re all mine,” he mumbled again. I felt him making another hickey. At first, I found the act annoying, but now I was beginning to get used to his constant marking of my skin. I nodded to agree with him.There’s certain call to want to belong to someone, isn’t there? I suppose that everyone is always looking for a place to belong. Everyone just wanted to be in the position where they were the last piece to a long standing puzzle and when they finally complete the big picture, they feel like they’ve come home from a long trip. But, I’ve found that I thought I’ve found my place where I ‘fitted” in the world. When I sat at the ‘cool’ table at school with Victoria and when I got the second ranking in our school, I thought I found my place on earth. But it turns out, that sometimes when you come back home from a trip, you lie in your bed and it feels cold. It isn’t really your bed anymore. You realize, you never really felt that comfortable there in the first place. So, you find a new home, one not too far from where you are now.

Being in Jonghyun’s arm, I felt like I was home. Really home. I felt that warm cozy feeling you get when you sit in front of a fire during winter with a mug in your hands. I got that feeling you get when you put on a warm, dry clothes on after you go walking in the rain. I felt so warm, and for someone that always felt so cold to the world, it meant something when you felt that way.“I’m yours,” I whispered, feeling unbelievably pleased with myself. I belonged somewhere for once. I felt whole for the first time in a while. I felt warm again.We shifted a bit. My head rested on his chest and his arms wrapped around my own chest. One of hands drifted away and ran through my hair. They raked through a few times, and I thought of my mother. She always did that too. Even when I was younger, she would come into my room and play with my hair and talk to me as I fell asleep. I began to feel ashamed, ashamed of myself, my actions, my wants. I just kept thinking of her hands going through my hair. Then I thought of Jonghyun’s strong hands going through my hair instead. Through all of this, I never really thought of my mother.I wondered what my mom would think if she knew I had slept with a man. Would she cry? Would she be disgusted? Would she talk to me? Would she be mad? Would she care at all? I think she would care. Maybe she would cry. Maybe she would do nothing at all. I hope I never have to know. I never want her to think of me as anything other than her Jinki, than her son. But now, she’ll think of me as so many other horrible things.But, she won’t be the only one, would she? Everyone will think I’m gross. Everyone will think I’m wrong. Disgusting. Horrible. Awful. Ugly. They’ll spread rumors and avoid me and treat me like I had a disease they never wanted to catch. But would I care? No. I couldn’t. I’m too far gone to care about anything like that. In fact, in a bit of defiance, I will pity them. The tables will suddenly turn, won’t they?All of those people that will look so harshly at me and Jonghyun, I will feel sorry for them. They will never know how beautiful it can be to just be free like this. They will never know what it is like to just let someone love you and love them back. They will never feel like they are the last piece of a puzzle of feel warm like you do in front of a fire with a mug of hot chocolate. They will never know because they never wanted to know. They will never laugh at Jonghyun’s jokes. They will never melt at the sound of his voice. They will never feel sparks from his touch. But that’s okay. They don’t have to because I can do that just fine, and we don’t need anyone else.“What are you thinking about?” Jonghyun asked.“Nothing that’s important. What are you thinking of?” I asked in return. I have expected him to say he was thinking of me. That sounded like something he would cheekily respond.“I’m thinking of your thighs,” he said with a bit of a chuckle. I don’t know why, but I could feel my face heat up.“What?” I sputtered out. My legs clenched together because of how uncomfortable I was feeling.“You look a lot different now, but your thighs are still the same,” he said pointedly. I instinctively curled up into a ball of embarrassment and shame. Apparently I have lost weight everywhere but my thighs.“Oh,” I mumbled softly. I made a mental note to stay off the rice cakes for a while and start working out more again. I didn’t want to have fat thighs.“I’m glad,” he used that voice he had when he was smirking. His hand slid down my back and he patted my bare thigh before his hand rhythmically ran up and down it. “I like you having meat on your bones. I wouldn’t want you to be a stick.”I smiled a bit. I still felt uncomfortable that he was so openly touching me, but I let it go. I was glad I felt so accepted with him. Before, my big thighs and just… big self in general had caused me to be friendless, lonely, out-casted. But, now my fuller body was being cherished. Someone was happy that I had bigger thighs than most. Someone was telling me that they were glad that I was this way and they didn’t want me to change. It was just a reversal to everything I had ever known.But, now summing up Jonghyun and looking at him, I was confused. He was in the same position I was in. People out casted him, looked down at him, gave him looks in the hallway. I couldn’t figure out why. I was tortured purely for my outer appearance; that was easy to understand. But, Jonghyun was handsome. He was muscular and talented. He was good-looking and charming and made you laugh a lot. Sure, he was a bit on the shorter side, but did that really matter? He wasn’t physically different than anyone else. There wasn’t a reason for him to be treated this way.Almost as if he knew what I was thinking, Jonghyun spoke. “I used to be friends with her,” he said with his hand tightening against my thigh. I waited for him to continue. It wasn’t often that Jonghyun started telling me things. He was rather subdued when it came to telling me things, I typically had to straight out ask and we both knew I was too sheepish for that.“That Victoria girl, I used to be friends with her,” he cleared his throat, “I don’t want you to spend time with her anymore.”I took a moment to process what he was saying for a moment. It could mean a host of things really. He might not like her. He might be jealous I spent time with her. But, Jonghyun is too confident for that. He’s not the jealous type. He might have a feud with her. They might be enemies. They might not be close anymore so it’s awkward for him. His family might hate her family.“Why?” I asked quietly. His fingers traced up the side of my hip to my waist. They drummed across my skin softly. He sighed.“She’s not one of the best people to associate yourself with. I’d rather you just not spend time with people like her,” he said and pressed a kiss against my cheek. I sighed myself.“She seems nice to me. She’s a bit self-centered, but she’s still nice,” I responded, a bit of defiance in my tone. Jonghyun seemed to notice it and chuckled a bit before his voice turned serious again.“You trust me, don’t you? I just don’t want you to be around her, okay?” I sighed and nodded. I was too tired to argue about anything.“I’ve seen how she looks at you. She likes you,” he said matter-of-factly.“So you’re jealous?” I said a bit surprised. Jonghyun chuckled again.“To an extent, yes, I am jealous. But, nothing good comes out of girls like that liking you,” I was going to ask him what he meant by that, but I was distracted by his lips pressing against mine hastily. I just let myself melt into that kiss.As his tongue slid across my own, I couldn’t help but feel the need to thank him. Jonghyun made me excited. He made me nervous. He made me scared. That’s what I craved. It’s what I needed. He made me excited for the future and for the first time, I liked the present too.I couldn’t wait until we lived together. I couldn’t wait to sleep in the same bed and to wake up in his arms. He would be warm and I would feel safe. He would press kisses to my lips every day, just as he was doing now. He would love me and tell me so whenever he could. I wouldn’t be alone. I could never be alone again if he was there.I would just be safe and warm all the time. I felt like I was home, and I wasn’t even in my own bed.“I’m yours, aren’t I?” I said in between kisses. Jonghyun smiled down at me, his eyes filled with kindness.“You’re all mine as long as you want to be,” he was speaking in the unbelievably kind voice again. It was the kind of voice that gave me shivers.“I want to be yours.”“Why?” he asked cheekily, that annoying smirk on his face. I groaned and turned on my side so he was facing my back.“Don’t ask dumb questions,” I grumbled.“Tell me~.”“Because I love you, stupid,” I said with a roll of my eyes. His went around my waist.“I love you too, hyung,” he said with a small laugh. Even if he was annoying, I still loved him. I guess that’s what true love is. Love is looking past all the dumb stuff and teasing Jonghyun does and still liking everything about him, even liking his annoying habits.“You smell good hyung,” Jonghyun cooed in my ear, his nose nuzzling against my neck.“You’re lying to me. I smell like sweat and only God knows what else,” I mumbled tiredly.“But, I like that~.”“You’re gross. Let me sleep,” I mumbled.“Oh Jinki,” he cooed again.“What do you want!?” I said annoyed again, sitting up to look at him, with a smirk he replied.“I love you.”With a sigh, I settled back into his arms.“I love you too.”Hello my small little beautiful babies of happiness and joy~! I am in such a good mood today. I am just so happy to talk to you, wow. I missd you! I'm so glad we can just talk and be together right now. So, how are you doing? have you eaten? are you tired? Don't get too tired! Make sure you get enough rest!  okay. I love you~! Time to answer questions.♥Marcus’s Questions:Sowonforlife asked “Can I ever meet you?”Of course bby.<3 If we ever have the chance to meet, then I don’t see why we couldn’t? We’re friends aren’t we? I would really like to meet you and all my other friends online too because I love you all so much and I really think of you all as my really close best friends. So, if we can ever meet, let us do so quickly!Funabisenu asked “If you had a turtle that could magically grant wishes, what would you name it?”A turtle…. I would name it something magical I guess… But I don’t really know any….

I looked up magical names in google and it gave me a magical name generator. I typed in turtle and it told me the turtle’s name should be “Steppe Karen.” This is a real thing. This is literally the website I went on. Yaoiville.

yaoiville.org/bryony/fun-kicks/mgk-name.phpElkyunnie asked “have you ever think or consider leaving each other?”I broke up with Kenny once. We’ve broken up twice already, but I think we’re a lot more mature now. We don’t fight over really stupid stuff anymore. I sometimes consider leaving Kenny mostly because… I don’t want him to be held back by me. But, then I remember I really love him so much that I don’t know what I could do if he wasn’t with me. When you love someone a lot, you really need them. That’ how I am with Kenny.B2astly asked “If you could go to any country in the world and stay there for a week, where would you go, and who would you take with you? Just one person!!!”I would go to Japan… or… hm… I don’t know. I have to choose between Japan and Korea. I guess, I want to take Kenny to see where I’m from so he can experience Japan. But, I also want to go to Korea with him so we can have a cool adventure together… so… h’m. That’s such a hard question! I guess Korea with Kenny because it would be new!Rachanasapre asked “what do you treasure the most? It may be a person or thing or feeling.”I treasure the feeling of being satisfied. I have a… principle that I want to live my life to the point where I am satisfied with myself. I think, it is important to find things you love and things that make you happy so you can be satisfied and know you have lived to the fullest. So, that feeling of being satisfied is something I have started to treasure.Mydubu_mynamstar asked “If you were to dedicate a song to each other, what song would it be? And why.”I hope Kenny chooses the same song. I feel like he won’t. Our song has to be Hawaiian Couple by Humming Urban Stereo. When we first met, I really liked that song. Kenny always made fun of me for it because it’s kind of lame and like sappy and girly and it’s all in Korean. I ended up getting really mad at him for teasing me, so he learned how to play the song and now we sing all the time. I sing the girl parts and he sings the boy parts. So, that has to be the song. If he doesn’t choose it I’m going to be mad.Me_Forever asked “to you what is the description of the perfect date?”A perfect date is a comfortable one. I’ve never really been on a real date before. But, I want to go to the park and the book store and get coffee and hold hands and go out to dinner afterwards and then go back home and watch movies and cuddle. I want to have a perfect date just likes movies!SammiAhn asked “what color would you say expresses yourself?”Blue… because blue is a really calm and nice color. And, I think also because blue is my favorite color.Ontaesupporter asked “what do you do when people are mean to you, and how do you treat that person?”When people are mean to me, I try to not pay attention to what they are saying. I don’t like saying mean things or hurtful things back because it really doesn’t change anything, does it? It’s best to remember, everyone has different opinions. Everyone thinks bad things about other people sometimes. I think, when people say mean things to me, that I did nothing wrong. They just took thinks a bit negatively. That’s not my fault. But, they really don’t deserve my time, do they?SuperJuniorsELF asked “If you could do one thing you've really wanted to do, but you could only do it once, and never do it again, what would it be?”I would get married. Because, I’ve always wanted to get married, and I only want to do it once with one person I really love.DaeLITE asked “Would you ever edit something for me?”I feel really absolutely so honored that you would even ask. I think, I could edit something for you if you wanted, but I think I need to know like… the storyline and all. I would also have to read some of your writing just to know your style. I guess the only way this could work is if you just put me as your co-author and then I read your update and edited it with your approval of course. I wouldn’t want to make your story…. More mine than yours. But, I could do it if you really wanted!Kenny’s Questions:(I changed his color from green because... green did not look cute AT ALL.)Sowonforlife asked “Are cigarettes cheap in the US? I heard that cigarettes are real cheap

2500 won. ”Where I live cigarettes are like 6 bucks. I have no fucking clue what a won is but do they make me a winner because then I want in on that business.Funabisenu asked  “If you could  have any super power, what would you have and why?”  Omfg I think about this every day of my life I know my answer it is prepared like Mcdonalds cheese burgers. I WILL HAVE THE POWER OF KNOWLDEGE. Ok. Follow with me hereeeeeeeeeeeee, your taking a test right? You don’t know any fucking answers! So you use your knowledge power to just know exactly what someone else knows. So that nerdy kid next to you that studied all night, YOU KNOW EVERYTHING THEY KNOW ABOUT THIS TEST. And then like if you went to another country or something you could like take someone knowledge and know their language or something I don’t know but that is my super cool radical power do not take it I called it already.Remilovesyou asked “what kind of music do you listen to and what are your top 5 Favorite songs?”FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCk. I don’t know. I like a lot of music. If I had to choose favorite songs in no particular order it would be likkkeeee.

Tokyo by Nell

MAZE by Epik high and dumbfoundead

Up in the air by dumbfoundead

Time to pretend by MGMT

Novacane by Frank OceanElkyunnie asked “have you ever think or consider leaving each other?”I’m so done with that shit. At this point I’m already too old to be playing those kinds of dumb games with my relationships anymore.  We’ve already broke up 2 times and both times were fucking horrible. I don’t ever want to think about that kind of shit ever again I’m so doneeeeeeEEEeeeEEEeeee.B2stly asked “what kind of music do you like and what bands do you listen to?”I feel like you guys are hoping deep down inside that I really like kpop or something. Sorry to disappoint small yaoi fangirls with your immense feels, but if I went around in my car blaring out RING DING DONG RING DING DONG I would lose all respect on this earth as a manly man. I like stoner music. I hate to call it that.  But I like R&B and rap and indie music and electro kind of stuff.

Band wise… I like the Beatles and Epik High and Modest Mouse and Frank Ocean and Dumbfoundead and Drake and MGMT and Nell. Kewl hipster shyt you will never know about.Rachanasapre asked “what do you treasure the most? It may be a person or thing or feeling.”Marcus’ butt. It’s my prize possession.mydubu_mynamstar asked “If you were to dedicate a song to each other, what song would it be? And why.”Baby got back by Sir mix-a-lot because I like big butts and I cannot lie, them other brothers can’t deny. When Marcus walks in with his itty bitty waist and a big thing in my face I get sprung, wanna pull out tough because I noticed that butt was stuffed. Deep in the jeans he’s wearing, I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring. Oh baby, I’m glad I’m with ya, wanna take ya picture.

but no really im just kidding but im really not because I like his butt. But my official answer issssssssss. I dunno. We always sing the humming song though.Me_forever asked “to you what is the description of the perfect date?”The kind of date that is cheap but its still nice enough that marcus will want to sleep with me when we get home. That’s the best kind of date.SammiAhn asked “what color would you say expresses yourself?”Yellow because I am yellow.OnTaeSupporter asked “are you really protective of Marcus?”O. this question. damn. ok. Everyone knows I hate explaining. Marcus is my boyfriend. No one else can touch him or like him or look at him.  I’m not a jealous person or shit like that because that is annoying. I am a man. Men protect things that are theirs from other men. Marcus got taken away by the enemy once before. He was captured in the evil Bae’s clutches once. NEVER AGAIN I SAY. NEVER AGAAAIIIINNN. I MUST DEFEND THE HOME FRONT. THIS IS SPARRTAAAAAA. AND I KNOW THAT YOU YAOI FANGIRLS ARE LIKE SLOWLY STEALING HIM AWAY AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? NO.

I guess you could say im kind of protective iunno whatever I guess ok that’s kewl yea kewl.SuperJuniorsELF asked “What is your best talent?”I'm a pretty good cat whisperer. Are you ready? meow. MEOW. MEOW. MEEEOOOOWWW. MEOWOWOWOWOW. MEEEoooOOOOOW.

I’m good at stabbing things repeatedly. It’s called tattooing. I’m also pretty okay at playing guitar. OH AND MARCUS SAYS I’M REALLY DANDY IN BED. Is having sex a talent or just like… a sport? It should be in the Olympics.DaeLITE asked “Do you like snow? Do you ever even see snow?”I’ve seen a couple times but never where I live. I hate it. It smells bad it’s dirty and gross and I hate itAND YOU ALWAYS SLIP IN THAT SHIT AND IT IS NOT CLEAN YOU KNOW ANIMALS GO AND POOP IN SNOW AND I WALK IN IT AND WHY NO NEVER BADNESS EW. The end.So, that was all the questions we were asked this update! I still haven't answered the questions for ch. 17. But, I will probably answer them in a blog post and then link it in ch 21. Yeah. That's a good idea isn't it? WOW WAIT! You guys! Someone gave me and Kenny a COUPLE NAME. KENMAR. Kenmar. This is so beautiful I am really just crying, I can't even.I love you all my beautiful little Kenmar shippers I love you so much you perfect little being.♥Anyway! I read your answers and I'm so happy we all have goals to do better this year! Let's make this year an even better one! Let us do well and improve together and give eachother a lot of supporter in this new year! Happy New Year everyone! I love you!So, today, instead of looking forward to this new year, I want to know,"What is your favorite memory from 2012?"Let's take a moment to see the good from last year to help us have an even better new year!

So, tell me your good memories and answer my question for you and ask me and Kenny more questions in a comment! Thank you!I love you!Have a good year!Month!Week!Day!Hour!Minute!Second!Milisecond!stay beautiful and cute and great and wonderful okay thank youI love you!okaiiiibaiiilatahhh!