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You know that feeling of loneliness and lack of life in your world? feeling out of place when you actually should belong? i always looked at my friends and wondered how are they content in their relationships? how are they capable of having a husband, kids and a whole house filled with responsibility? how did these women bear children and get their private parts ripped apart for that annoying little human to consume their lives and end it as they knew it? how on earth does a person trust another blindly? how does one share their everything with one person and promise to live and die with them? I am 25 years old and i have never had a long term relationship, a relationship to me meant going out, having dinner, watching a film and that was it. i never slept with a man because i never felt the need to be held and caressed and everyone thought i was insane for it. its not like i am dead sensually, i can please myself ever night twice sometimes so i never felt a need for a MAN to do it with. i hung out with my friends almost every night of the week so i didn’t necessarily need that one person to be with. its not even like my 2 best friends got hitched and i became wary or jealous. they both are very much single But i guess I needed a new gender in my only girls chats and nights maybe!  I felt self-loved in a sense, i mean i am a very self efficient person. However, for the past month i have sensed myself leaning towards these odd feelings of wanting a companion, one companion, a male companion, to go out with, to watch films with to eat with and even to sleep with; sexually and normally.  i was tired of being single, feeling lonely and in need of someone to tap my back and hold me close at night. These new feelings have been haunting me for 30 nights and it is killing me that at this age, these feelings have finally aroused. maybe because i lacked a male friend? i grew up in an all girls boarding school since my father worked as a doctor in the military and my mother traveled with him. I have 3 brothers who were also sent to all males boarding schools so we didn’t grow as close as normal siblings should be but since we all now live together in the same street, aside from the eldest who got married last year and moved to another city, we have a pretty siblingy awkward relationship. Coming from a conservative background i wasn't taught to be friendly with men or have normal interactions\ flirty conversations with so you might get why i am still single at age 25. what i’m writing now is the development of these feelings since i have no idea what my mind actually wants? who it wants or anything! I FEEL EMPTY AND IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. so, if any of you have encountered such ridiculous situation please contact me or leave a comment below. i was told writing in this website might help me adjust or even understand my own thinking. thank you fellow strangers.  i hit send with a weary heart and then i closed my laptop and threw it on the bed as i lied down and stared at the celling. i grabbed my phone and whatsapp-ed my 2 best friends in our group chat. “I did something kinda stupid but i feel better” Hani replied first with questions marks followed by Krystal who sent a voice note saying “did you finally talk tot hat guy you keep stalking on twitter?” I sent a voice note in reply “Nope, you know i’m too much of a chicken to do that. i sent my thoughts into the internet anonymously” “What site” wrote Hani and i replied “ANONYMOUSLY” emphasising that i needed my friends to stay out of it. i don't want my friends to know i masterbate!  “whatever” wrote Hani and went offline. Krystal sent me a heart emoticon and went offline as well and as i stared at my phone it rang with my ex-bosses number. Gong Hyo Jin is one of my favourite people in the whole wide world, when i finished college studying biology she first hired me as her assistant and then got me a better job at the aquarium where i now work with double the pay and a private parking spot. i mean seriously how can i not love her! “Hello” she said in her usual cheery voice “Hi, how are you, i miss you” i said as cheerful “Good, good. wanna meet up for lunch tomorrow?” “Absolutely, should i pick the place as usual?” i said knowing the drill of 3 years. “Something Italian please, and I'm paying this time or i wont come” “Fine” i said laughing, i was kinda on a budget since i bought myself that home theatre system and 50 inch smart tv, did i mention i’m a gamer/ movie enthusiast?  “Cool, see you then” she hung up and i was kinda perplexed for she hadn’t asked me to tell the girls whom she grew very fond of especially since Krystal works with her now.       ——————————————————— As soon as lunch break began i rolled into my car quickly and rang Unnie making sure she goes to the sea side branch and not the city one since its closest to work. in about 15 minutes we both arrived and exchanged pleasantries. “So?” i said just as the appetisers were set in the table “So what?” she said smugly “You have something to tell me” i said as smugly “I do? how come?” she said twisting her fork in the salad “Cause Krystal wasn't invited so..” i said slurping my water “Okay” she said and set her fork aside getting all serious. “I want to set you up” she said plainly “ME?” i said pointing at myself “Yes, he is a really nice guy, good background, handsome face, studied biology but works as a PR manager in a company he founded with his friend” “Where’s the catch?” i said thinking he’s too good “Thats for you to decide honey” she said and ate her salad “But, unnie you know i don't actually date” i said twisting my hair “Till when?” she said looking me in the eye. “I know what you are going through, its like you just became a woman or something but i know its time you have someone in your life other them me, Krystal and Hani” “Are you a shrink, or can you read minds?” i said since i can never hide anything from her. “Look, i know you, and i know him. you guys are the perfect match i swear whenever he talks i just want you there to comment and same thing when i’m with you” “Getting me interested since i always thought no one can be as … well, me” i always thought i was too much to handle, i mean i wasn’t your everyday kinda gal. i loved makeup and clothes but i didn’t care enough to know the brands and get the latest fashion, i got what i liked regardless of the season or the trends. i played video games and watched football games but i would never stay overnight for them. i love reading and i have my own bookstore but i didn't necessarily read them all. I eat whatever I want but just enough for me not to cry in my sleep since i know i’m not as skinny as Krystal or voluptuous as Hani. i was a weird combination of misfit as my mother once told me when she visited my apartment which had a superman poster on its door.  I am OCD but not a clean freak i like my mess organised. i have my cereal hot and my coffee iced. I will only drink a diet cola and nothing else. I would collect the toast sides and make a sandwich of it and i would dip my pizza in ketchup! seriously who would bare someone like me to even love!  “You actually know him” she said bringing me back to life “I do?” i said amazed sine the men i know can be counted in one hand and 3 of them are my brothers “Its Seunghyun” she blurted. “Choi Seunghyun” I stared at her like she is setting me up with a resurrected Jesus Christ. “What! Choi Seunghyun! Choi Gay Seunghyun” “GAY!” she yelled in surprise making people turn to us “He’s not gay is that rumour still around its been 3 years!” she said laughing “I know it’s just, he’s a friend of my brother and i kinda was the one who started the rumour of him being gay” i said in monotone.  “Oh this is so meant to be” she said excited “Shut up” i said half embarrassed half annoyed. Choi gay Seunghyun…. i actually kinda had a crush on him.   I AM BACK WITH A NEW STORY. I KNOW I SHOULD FINISH Extremely Wrong Yet Incredibly Right, BUT I CANNOT SEEM TO FIND THE WILL IN MY TO WRITE THAT DAMN CHAPTER. SO I WAS TALKING TO MY FRIEND AND HER STORY HAS INSPIRED ME TO WRITE AND I REALLY HOPE THAT THIS MEANS I WILL BE ABLE TO FINISH Extremely Wrong Yet Incredibly Right AS WELL AS THIS ONE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE, SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENTS. I APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE AND PRESENCE YOU SHOW IN MY WRITING. YOURS TRULLY, SUMMER.