Twenty Two (1/1)

Jinki was disappointed when his phone alerted him to a text. He didn’t want to be pulled back into reality quite yet. Joon, who had rooted himself to Jinki like a tree, watched as he opened his phone and read the text with him. ‘Jinki,  I’ll be in Seoul tomorrow. While my yeobo gets settled in, why don’t we go for lunch? Meet me at the subway at 12. -Mom.’  “She doesn’t give you much choice, does she?” Joon asked. Jinki sighed. “I guess not,” he replied. “Remind me not to call you yeobo,” Joon added. Jinki eyed him, and the older man frowned. “You can’t blame me for being on edge about this.” “I don’t,” Jinki said. “She doesn’t treat you right, Jinki,” Joon told him. Jinki chewed on his lip. “She’s still my mother,” He said softly. Joon paused before nuzzling his face into Jinki’s shoulder.

”I know,” He said. “I’m sorry.” “It’s fine,” Jinki told him. “I am sorry,” Joon repeated. “You know I’m just looking out for you, right?” “I know you are, Joon,” Jinki told him, “It’s not a bad thing.” Joon smiled and placed a small kiss on Jinki’s shoulder, where his shirt just couldn’t reach. “I love you,” Joon said softly. Jinki moved to kiss Joon’s lips. “I love you too,” He said. “Don’t worry, okay?” “I’m not worried,” Joon assured him. “I trust you.” Jinki hoped he truly did.  On Wednesday morning, Jinki was greeted early by a kiss. Joon was already dressed for work. “I’m going now, Jinki,” He said. “You can get to the subway on your own, right?” Jinki rubbed his eyes, barely awake. “Mmhm,” He hummed, nodding. “And you’ll come right back home to me, right?” Joon asked. “Just as promised?” “If course,” Jinki answered. Joon kissed him again. “See you later, Jinki,” He said. “Bye,” Jinki mumbled, eyes slowly re-closing.  Jinki awoke again about an hour later, alone in the apartment. He forced himself out of bed and got ready, heart in his throat. He hadn’t seen his mother in a good ten months. Jinki left the apartment at 11. He walked down to the station and waited, texting Hyoyeon in the meantime. ‘If she says anything about girls, change the subject. Don’t talk about apartments. Don’t talk about your money situation. Just for now, keep it pleasant.’ Jinki knew that everything Hyoyeon told him was true. He couldn’t let her know about what was happening. It would only cause problems. ‘I’ll keep the conversation bland,’ Jinki sent back. ‘Good. Jinki fighting!’ Jinki smiled. It was the last genuine smile he would have for a while. His mother was just rounding the corner. “Jinki,” She said, “There you are.” “Hi, mom,” He greeted. She smiled, just a little. “Where’s somewhere we can eat?” She asked. “Ah, well, there’s a place near here with good soup,” Jinki told her. “Lead the way,” She said. Jinki nodded and gestured for her to follow him. He led her to a small restaurant just off of the subway station. They were seated, and Jinki’s mother got right to talking. “You’ve really grown, huh?” She asked. Jinki nodded. “Do you have a girlfriend yet?” Already? Jinki was thrown off by how fast she had gotten to that. “Working on it,” He lied, silently trying to get the waiter’s attention.  “So there’s someone in your sights?” His mother asked. “Yes,” Jinki answered. At least he didn’t have to lie about that. Thankfully, the waiter came to their table before his mother could press the issue. They ordered, giving Jinki a chance to turn the tables. “Who’s this boyfriend?” He asked. Finally, his mother smiled. “We met at church a few weeks back. We really connected. I’m so glad I met him. I really think he’s the one,” She said. Jinki nodded. His mother then took his hand. Jinki had to suppress the urge to jump back in his chair. His mother didn’t touch him. “Jinki, I know things have been tough. But things are finally going to get better.” Jinki stared at her, baffled. His mother hadn’t held his hand or showed him affection since he was ten. The moment was so heartbreakingly bittersweet. He didn’t know what to do with himself. His mother let go of his hand after a moment, and began to talk about moving. Jinki couldn’t help but drown most of it out. His mother had changed.  There was a glimmer of hope in Jinki’s heart that he thought had been dashed long ago. A hope that maybe she would finally accept him. Maybe she wouldn’t care about his sexuality. Maybe she would love him again. Jinki didn’t eat his meal. “You should show me around your apartment,” His mother said at one point, snapping Jinki back into reality. “Um, it’s the same as last time,” He lied. “I don’t remember what it looks like,” She retorted. Jinki bit the inside of his cheek. He was grasping at straws. “It’s very small and boring. What’s your new place like?” He said. He had switched subjects entirely too quickly, but his mother began on another tangent about her new home.  Jinki had to try very hard not to sigh with relief. After lunch, the two stepped outside.

“I have to go now,” Jinki’s mother said. She patted his shoulder, causing Jinki to freeze up. “Take care of yourself, okay?” Jinki could barely manage a nod. “Bye,” She said. “Bye, mom,” Jinki replied softly. She turned and left. “I love you.” Jinki was sure she heard him, but she was already gone in an instant. Jinki stood on the sidewalk for a few minutes before going home. Jinki had taken home his leftovers, and put them in the fridge before curling up on the couch with a cup of coffee. It was dangerous for Jinki to be alone after speaking with his mother, as he had found out before. He tried not to think about his mother. Instead, he though about what Joon had said before. Waterfalls and long walks on the beach. Instead of worrying about his mother constantly, Jinki wanted to be able to live up to those expectations. He wanted to do everything Joon wanted to do. After finishing his coffee, Jinki went to the kitchen. The sink was not a menace in itself. But when Jinki turned on the tap, it took on a new form. It became too large, and too noisy. It became a manifestation of something deadly, even if it couldn’t harm more than a fly on its own. Jinki carefully held out his hand, catching just a small amount of water. And that was enough. He turned off the tap and dried his hand with a towel, abandoning the idea entirely to return to the couch. Step by step, he would become better. Even if he was shaking now. Even if he had to slow his breathing. It would become easier. He would improve for Joon if it killed him. And the way his heart was beating, it might end up doing just that.  “Jinki, do you only sleep when I’m away?” Jinki stared at him from the couch, having just woken up from an impromptu nap. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” He said. Joon laughed as he put away his shoes and jacket. “How was lunch?’ He asked. Jinki sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Fine,” He answered. Joon went into the kitchen and made coffee. After a minute, he brought back two cups. Jinki didn’t argue having more than one cup in the day. “Jinki, are you okay?” Joon asked, sitting down next to him. “Yes, why?” “You’re about as talkative as a rock,” Joon told him. Jinki sighed, making and breaking eye contact with Joon. “I can’t hide this from my mother,” He said softly. “What do you mean?” Joon asked quickly. “I mean, I need to tell her,” Jinki elaborated. “I can’t lie to her any more.” “Jinki,” Joon sighed. “I don’t like this.” “I just need to let her know,” Jinki stated, “It doesn’t matter what she says. She’s my mother, and she’s the reason I’m alive. She deserves to know.” “What do you think she’ll say?” Joon asked. “I don’t know,” Jinki said. “I’m hoping she’ll have a change of heart.” “What if she doesn’t? What if she hurts you again?” Joon pressed. Jinki paused. “Then I’ll still have you,” He said softly. Joon smiled. He kissed Jinki’s cheek and hugged his waist. “It’s the positive things that matter, right?” Joon asked. Jinki nodded. “I know that now,” He said. Joon grinned, kissing Jinki’s cheek again. “Good,” He said.