[M] Hurt (1/1)

They manage to talk Jiyong out of simply hopping on the next flight back to Korea but only after Soonho assures him that there aren’t any more flights scheduled tonight, anyway.  And Yoon reminds him that he promised to have lunch with her the next day and check out their new collection, so Jiyong hedges that little bit more.  If he has to stay till tomorrow, a couple more hours won’t kill him.He has Soonho book them tickets for tomorrow afternoon and apologizes to Seungho and Soojoo for cutting the trip short.  “You guys can stay if you want.”Seungho doesn’t look like he cares where the fuck they go, and Soojoo just shrugs.  “No worries.  I was planning on coming back in a couple weeks to see your first dome concert, anyway.”  Seunghyun stays up for hours watching Jiyong’s videos.  He watches each one with hawk eyes, looking for signs, for subtle clues.  He rules out “Crayon” and “One of a Kind” fairly quickly.  And then he sees the date they were uploaded and feels like an idiot because both of those songs are too old to be possibilities anyway. So then he starts looking through the newer ones.  He rules out “Michigo” within the first few seconds but watches the vid the whole way through just because Jiyong looks so cute in it.  He watches “Coup d’Etat” next and thinks he might be on to something.  He gets this whole theory worked out in his head about symbolism and their relationship being ruined by money and fame and women with saws only to rise back up at the end.But then he watches “Who You” and realizes how stupid that theory was because Jiyong’s not subtle.  Not at all.  And his idea of symbolism is apparently chucking a dinosaur into his car and riding off with it. Seunghyun watches the video over and over again, pausing from time to time, trying to puzzle out what all the writing says.  He understands some phrases but not others.  The one phrase he doesn’t need any help with though is this one:  I miss you.Leave it to Jiyong to orchestrate some huge romantic gesture right under everyone’s noses.Each time he watches it, he catches something new: the Misfits jacket Jiyong wore when they were promoting together, the Bearbrick from their “Knockout” video, their matching shoes, the other set of bracelets.  He wonders how much more he’d notice if all his memories were intact, what special meaning the rest of the stuff would have for him.He knows this is the video.  If he would’ve watched this one first, he still would’ve known.  But then his eyes lower down to the date it was uploaded, and that confirms it.  November 13th.  Their new anniversary.Seunghyun thinks about texting Jiyong.  He’s excited and wants to share what he’s found.  But it’s late, and Jiyong’s probably sleeping, and he’d rather wait till tomorrow so he can at least tell him over the phone.  So Seunghyun watches the video one last time, and then he does his best to fall asleep.Even though Seunghyun is the last to bed, he’s still somehow the first to rise, which is unusual.  His sleep is normally deeper than that.  He rubs the sleep out of his eyes while he sets about making a pot of coffee.  When Seungri wakes up, he keeps his eyes squinted shut, one hand clutching at his head.  “No practice today.  Don’t tell Jiyong.”Seunghyun chuckles, glad he doesn’t have to worry about hangovers much anymore.  Amateurs. Once everyone’s awake, they all demand food so he heats up some of the containers his mom packed for him, and when they’re done eating, they trail out of his house looking like war refugees.  Seunghyun shuts the door behind them and starts about the rest of his day.  The first thing he wants is to brush his teeth, get the stale taste of wine out of his mouth, followed immediately by a hot shower. Once he’s done and dressed, still damp hair curling about his ears, he gets his phone out and decides to try Soohyuk.  He and Soohyuk go way back so it seems like it’ll be less awkward meeting up with him.Soohyuk doesn’t even bother saying hello when he picks up.  “About time you called me.”Seunghyun’s lips quirk up.  “I’ve been returning people’s calls in the order of importance.  I just now got around to you.”“You should be nicer to me.  I know way more secrets about you than you know about me.  Who knows what damage I could do with the things I know?”Secrets.  Seunghyun’s such an idiot.  He keeps trying to get information out of people like Seungri and his mom, but those aren’t the people he would’ve talked to about relationship things.  But he used to talk to Soohyuk about that kind of stuff all the time.  Maybe that hasn’t changed.  “Do you know anything new or is it all old stuff I’d remember telling you?”“Tell me what you want to know, and I’ll tell you if I already know it.”Seunghyun laughs.  “If I knew what I wanted to know, I wouldn’t need you to tell me.”Soohyuk chuckles over the line.  “Fair enough.  Well, look, I’m busy with filming today, but how about I give you a call tomorrow and we can figure out a time when we can catch up?”Seunghyun can’t help feeling disappointed at that, but there’s nothing to be done about it.  “Sounds good.  I’ll talk to you then.”This is the problem with being friends with people in the industry.  Everyone’s always so busy.  He’s happy to have the day off, but he doesn’t feel like spending it in his house.  And then he thinks about the voicemail he got from John.  At least that had an open invitation.  So that’s the next call he makes.John sounds both surprised and happy when he picks up.  “Seunghyun, I’m so pleased to hear from you.  How are you doing?”“I’m good.  I can’t remember three years of my life, but other than that, I’m good.  What about you?  What’s new?  Or old, I guess.  You can fill me in on whatever.  It’s not like I’ll know the difference.”John laughs warmly into the phone.  “I’ve been working on a new project in Shanghai.  But I’m back in Seoul for a couple days.”Maybe he won’t have to spend the whole day by himself.  “Your message said you wanted to get dinner sometime.  Are you free this evening?”John seems taken aback by the invite.  “Um.  Sure.  Where did you want to go?”John winds up picking out the restaurant.  He says it’s a place they’ve been to before that Seunghyun really liked.  When they land at Gimpo, Jiyong puts his face mask on and pulls his hood up over his head.  They all make it out of the airport and pile into the van that’s waiting for them.  Once the door is shut securely behind him, he slides his hood back down and tugs his mask off. They’ll be back at the YG building before too long, and Jiyong can pick up his car.  A part of him wants to go home and freshen up, but an even bigger part just wants to go directly to Seunghyun.  He thinks about calling him, telling him that he came home early, but he decides he’d rather it be a surprise.  He wants to see the smile on Seunghyun’s face when he shows up unexpectedly at his house.Soonho’s staring out the window, but both Soojoo and Seungho have already pulled out their phones so Jiyong follows suit.  He plays around on Instagram, likes a picture of some cool looking Halloween nail art.  There’s a pic with a purple background and swirly text that says Kiss me you fool, and he likes that too.He can’t wait to see Seunghyun.  John was right about him liking the restaurant.  It’s small and quaint, and he only gets asked for an autograph once.  When their drinks are first brought out, John smiles and asks him if he can take a picture, says his followers always seem to love getting a glimpse of Seunghyun’s face.  Seunghyun doesn’t mind so they get the waiter to take the shot, and John mumbles to himself while he uploads it to Instagram.After that, they look over their menus, and by the time their food comes out, they’re right in the thick of stories about John’s latest project.  He tells Seunghyun about his newest lead actor and some of the struggles they’ve had filming on location.  The also talk about some of the movies that John has enjoyed recently that he thinks Seunghyun might also like.“You should try Stoker,” John suggests.  “It’s dark and psychological.  A little twisted.  I think you’ll like it.  It’s an English-language film, but Park Chanwook directed it.”“Oldboy?” Seunghyun questions, just to be sure.John nods.  “He and I talked a little after it came out.  We shared some of the same struggles.  When I filmed Sayonara Itsuka, I had to rely on interpreters, and he had to do the same thing for Stoker.  I think his English was better than my Japanese, but still.  It’s a challenge trying to pull out the desired performance from an actor you can’t fully communicate with.”Seunghyun takes a bite, chews and swallows.  “Sounds interesting.  I’ll look into it.”“You should.  His aesthetic is far different than mine – I tend to like things with a greater scope – but the mise-en-scène was really effective.  And I do have to admit, I’m jealous he got the chance to direct Nicole Kidman.  She was stunning.”John suggests a few other films for him to see, and when that topic dwindles, they start talking about what’s been keeping Seunghyun busy these days.  “I’ve just been focusing on music.  I’ve been in the studio most days.”John smiles over his glass of wine.  “I bet Jiyong’s loving that.”Seunghyun can’t help smiling a little to himself.  “I hope so.”“That must’ve been strange, waking up, thinking you were still in a relationship and then finding out you weren’t.”Seunghyun purses his lips and nods his head.  “Yeah.”  A gloomy mood tries to settle over him, but he shakes it off.  “But it’s okay.  I think we’re gonna work it out.  I just have to remind him why we worked so well in the first place.” “I think you two will be fine.”  John takes a sip and says, wryly.  “You always manage to find your way back to each other.  Maybe I’ll make your story the subject of my next project.”Seunghyun tries to imagine what such a film would look like.  “Nah.  Jiyong would throw a fit about whoever you cast to play him.  No matter who it was.”John grins around the rim of his glass.  “We wouldn’t want that.  Speaking of acting, have you went back and watched the films you can’t remember playing in?”Seunghyun shakes his head.  “No, not yet.  It feels weird watching myself do things I can’t remember doing.  I found that out when I had to sit through a bunch of our music videos.”John sets down his glass and rests his elbows casually on the table.  “I really enjoyed Tazza 2.  It was fun.  You were very charming in it.”Seunghyun’s ears go red.  “I don’t wanna talk about that one.  I still can’t believe I let them film me with my clothes off.”John’s lips twitch.  “I know.  If I would’ve know you were up for that, I would’ve added in a shirtless scene for Jangbeom.”“That sounds horrible.  I’m never taking my clothes off again.”  Seunghyun still doesn’t know where he got the confidence to do it the first time.“What about The Alumni?  There’s nothing risqué about that film.  Is that a safe topic?”Seunghyun’s expression turns solemn.  “No.  I don’t want to remember that one, either.”“Why not?  You were so good in it.  You gave such a subtle, nuanced performance.”He fiddles around with the stem of his wineglass.  “I heard about what I went through to give that performance.”John leans back in his chair.  “Ahh.”Something about John’s behavior lets Seunghyun know that he’s familiar with what Seunghyun’s talking about.  “Did we see each other much while I was filming it?”John hums and looks up, thinking about it.  “Not as much while you were filming, but we got to be quite close after.”After?  “But I thought I just shut myself up in my house and refused to come out.”John chuckles.  “You did.  So I had to come in.”  He gives a little shrug.  “I think I just understood a lot of what you were going through.  So you felt comfortable talking to me.”That makes sense.  He remembers when he first started working with John.  He was nervous and scared and wanted so badly to do a good job.  John had been there for him.  He’d encouraged him.  He’d believed Seunghyun could be more than just another idol turned actor.But still.  Seunghyun slumps.  “I feel like that movie ruined everything.  I feel like I ruined everything.”“You were depressed.  It’s not your fault.”Maybe not, but Seunghyun still feels like it is.“There you go again,” John says, smiling fondly across the table.  “You just feel things so deeply.”  When Jiyong makes it to Seunghyun’s villa, he’s pulsing with eager, nervous energy.  Soojoo’s words from the other night are still running loops in his mind.  Maybe this could be a fresh start.  As he walks to the door, he thinks about what he’s going to say when he sees Seunghyun:  Okay, let’s try again.  I want this to work.  I missed you.  I want you back.Or maybe he won’t say any of those things.  Maybe he’ll just kiss him.  Maybe he’ll let Seunghyun take him to bed and finish what they started the other night.He makes it to the door and rings the bell, can’t help bouncing on the balls of his feet as he waits for Seunghyun to answer.  He waits and he waits and then tries again, but still no one comes to the door.  Maybe he’s in the shower.  Or maybe he actually went somewhere.He takes out his phone to call him, but before he can do that, someone calls him instead.  It’s Seungho.“Hey, what’s up?”“Don’t freak out.”Jiyong’s brows furrow.  “You telling me not to freak out is only gonna make me freak out.  What’s going on?”“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Seungho says.  “But I wanted to catch you before you checked Twitter and saw it yourself.”A cold sense of dread tickles the base of his spine.  “Saw what?”Seungho sighs.  “Okay, I’ll send you the link.  But don’t freak out.”Seungho hangs up, and Jiyong waits for him to send whatever it is he thinks Jiyong will be so upset about.  The link finally comes through, and when he clicks on it, his heart sinks at the picture that comes up.His hands fall uselessly back down to his sides.So much for their fresh start.  When John drops him back off at his house, he gets out of the car and waves goodbye.  He walks quickly up the steps and makes it to his unit.  There’s a figure huddled on the ground next to his door, back against the wall, knees pulled up to his chest, and Seunghyun smiles wide when he realizes it’s Jiyong.He’s home.But when Jiyong looks up, his smile falls.  It looks like he’s been crying.  “What’s wrong?”Jiyong pulls himself up to his feet and wipes at his cheeks.  “Did you have fun?”Seunghyun frowns at the odd tone in his voice.  “I guess so.  John and I just went to dinner.”Jiyong closes his eyes.  “Is he still with you?”“No.  He just dropped me off.”Jiyong swallows and nods at that.  “Okay.  Well, I think I’m gonna take off.”Jiyong starts to go around him, but Seunghyun catches him about the wrist.  “Hey.  Wait.  You just got here.  I haven’t seen you in days.”“I didn’t just get here,” Jiyong snaps, and Seunghyun’s brows fly up.  “I’ve been sitting here for an hour.”Seunghyun’s so confused.  He doesn’t understand what he did.  “Why didn’t you just call me?  I would’ve come home.”  When Jiyong tries to shake him off and step around him again, Seunghyun steps in front of him and wards off his path.  “Would you just talk to me?  Why are you so upset?”“It was supposed to be different.  It was supposed to be—“  Jiyong’s voice speeds up with each word, nearing frantic, but then he stops and looks around, and his mouth snaps back shut.Seunghyun looks around too, tries to see what Jiyong sees.  Maybe he just doesn’t want to fight in the open like this.  “Let’s go inside, okay?”Jiyong doesn’t move.  He holds his ground.“Please?” Seunghyun implores.Jiyong’s body stays rigid, but he at least turns back toward the door.  That’s something, Seunghyun supposes.  Seunghyun unlocks the door and gestures Jiyong inside.  Jiyong doesn’t even look at him.  He just stalks inside and makes an angry beeline straight for the living room.Seunghyun follows him in warily.  “Do you want to sit down?”Jiyong still won’t look at him.  He has his arms crossed protectively over his middle, chin angled stubbornly to the side.Seunghyun doesn’t even know where to begin.  “Why are you acting this way?”Jiyong still doesn’t say anything.  The only way Seunghyun knows Jiyong heard him is the minute clench of his jaw.“Jiyong.  I have no idea what’s going on.  Would you please just say something?”  When Jiyong still won’t so much as look at him, Seunghyun reaches out for his shoulder.  “Please.  Tell me what I did.”Jiyong slaps his hand away, a righteous wave of hurt breaking out of him.  “You slept with him.”Seunghyun feels like he’s just been struck.  No.  He wouldn’t…there’s no way…no.  He wouldn’t cheat.  He wouldn’t.  Ever.Jiyong takes in a deep breath to calm himself down.  “It was a little while after the first time we broke up.”The horror he feels slowly recedes – not cheating, then – but a sick, roiling feeling takes its place.Jiyong holds himself even tighter and starts to explain.  His words come out slow and even, like he’s telling just another story.  “Like I told you last night, I missed you, and I still wanted to be with you.  So I came over to see you one night.  I thought maybe we could talk.  It was really late, but you always stay up late so I didn’t think it would matter.  When I got here…”  Jiyong takes the barest of pauses, and when he starts again, his voice doesn’t sound quite so neutral anymore.  “When I got here, his car was here.  But it was really late, so I thought, surely he’ll leave soon, I might as well just wait.”  Jiyong’s chin trembles.  “I waited for hours.  But he never came out.”Seunghyun’s mind races at the implications.  There has to be more to it than that.  Intimacy is hard for him.  He doesn’t share his body easily.  “That doesn’t mean anything.  We were probably up late talking or watching movies.  Or maybe he drank too much and passed out.  It doesn’t mean we did anything.”Jiyong lets out a quiet, bitter laugh.  “You told me you did.  When we got back together.  You said it was just the once, but—“  His words break off on this wounded little cry, and tears start gathering in his eyes.Jiyong.  Seunghyun can’t even breathe; his chest aches so much.  When he tries to reach out to him, Jiyong’s face crumples and he shies away.  “I know we were broken up,” he cries.  “I know I shouldn’t be this upset about it, but you don’t understand.  It was the one thing I was dreading.  The one thing I just knew was gonna happen.  He hung around with us all the time.  You kept inviting him to our events.  Our shows—”Seunghyun shakes his head at the accusations.  It wasn’t like that.  Sure, Seunghyun can’t remember the last three years, but he remembers before that.  He and John just talked.  That was it.  There was never any heat there.  Seunghyun never even thought of the guy that way. Jiyong looks small, shoulders hunched in, painfully fragile.  Seunghyun can’t remember ever feeling this bad about anything.  “Jiyong, I don’t want him.  I don’t want anyone but you.”“You certainly wanted him that night,” he bites back.Seunghyun feels so helpless.  He can’t even defend himself because he doesn’t have the memories to back it up.  He can’t say he didn’t want it, that it meant nothing, that it was just a drunken mistake, because honestly, he doesn’t know.  And Jiyong will use that against any point he tries to make.“Maybe you don’t want him,” Jiyong gives a little shrug.  “But he’s always wanted you.”Seunghyun cups his hands around Jiyong’s shoulders and wills him to look at him.  “Jiyong, I would never cheat on you.  There’s a lot I don’t know about myself right now, but I do know that.”Finally, Jiyong meets his eyes, but there’s nothing in them but pain.  “You don’t get it.  You didn’t see the way he looked at me.  Like I wasn’t good enough for you.  Like I was a joke.  And I just had to take it.  Because he was your friend.  I had to stand there and watch while he—“ Jiyong cuts off, lips pressing tightly together, head shaking back and forth.Seunghyun doesn’t know what to do.  He doesn’t know how to make this better.  But when Jiyong breathes out this little sob, he knows he has to do something.  He pulls him in close and wraps him in his arms, and Jiyong pushes his face into his chest and cries.  Seunghyun clutches him even tighter, one hand keeping them pressed firmly together, the other cradling Jiyong’s head against his chest.He thinks about shushing him, petting his hair, telling him everything’s going to be okay, but he can’t seem to do any of it.  He’s paralyzed by Jiyong’s pain.  The only thing he can manage is to keep on holding him as closely as he can.He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to fix this.  He can’t change it, can’t explain it, can’t do anything really.  Except he has to do something because Jiyong is the most important thing in the world to him, and he can’t stand to see him hurting.Seunghyun’s hands find their way to Jiyong’s cheeks, and he pulls back just enough that he can see his face.  “There’s nothing I can do about the past.  There’s nothing I can even say about it.  Because I don’t remember.”  When Jiyong tries to look away, Seunghyun gently urges him back.  “But here’s what I do know.  From the moment I wake up till the moment I fall asleep, I think about you.  You’re the only thing I think about.  I didn’t give a passing thought to him until I saw the voicemail he left me on my phone.”Jiyong gazes up at him with vulnerable eyes, and Seunghyun holds that gaze, silently pleading for him to accept the truth he’s offering.  Slowly, Jiyong starts to relax against him.  Seunghyun uses one hand to smooth the hair out of Jiyong’s face, and Jiyong’s eyes dart toward the motion and hold.  Seunghyun follows his gaze to see what he’s looking at and smiles softly once he understands.  His turquoise bracelet is peaking out of the cuff of his shirt. Jiyong’s eyes trail back up to his. “They mean I’m yours,” Seunghyun murmurs.  “I’ve been wearing them all day.”Jiyong takes in a long shaky breath, and when he lets it back out, all the tension pours out of him.  Seunghyun pulls him back in close, and this time, the embrace is filled with nothing but warmth.  Seunghyun holds him as long as he can before his knees start protesting from being locked in one place for so long, and then he gently guides Jiyong over to the couch. Seunghyun lets go of him so he can stretch out on his side along the cushions.  He gets the throw pillow comfortably under his head and then opens one arm up to Jiyong.  “Come here.”The look Jiyong gives him isn’t the wary one he’s expecting.  It’s hopeful, full of longing.  He gently takes a seat in front of Seunghyun and then slowly eases down to lie in front of him.  Seunghyun immediately slides his arms around him and pulls him back to nestle against his chest.  His knees bend to fit the shape behind Jiyong’s, and he presses a soft kiss to the nape of Jiyong’s neck and murmurs, “I told you I wanted to cuddle.”  Jiyong laughs and snuggles back against him, and Seunghyun smiles into the crook of his neck.  “I’m glad you’re back.”Jiyong toys with the beads around Seunghyun’s wrist.  “Me too.”He nuzzles against Jiyong’s shoulder, just because he can, just because Jiyong’s letting him.  And then he remembers something.  “’Who You’.”“What?”“Your video.  The reason we got back together.  ‘Who You’.”Seunghyun can’t see it, but he can feel when the smile creeps over Jiyong’s face.  “Good job.”Seunghyun keeps him snug in his arms, and eventually, Jiyong softens further against him.  He starts nodding off until his head sinks heavily into the pillow.“Jiyong?” Seunghyun whispers.  When Jiyong doesn’t answer, he presses one last kiss against the base of his neck and then lets sleep overtake him.