In all honesty (1/2)
"Dear Yifan"The tip of the pen hovers over the second line on the sheet. The sentence he was about to write slips from Junmyeon’s memory like silk fabric from skin. There is no time to grab for it, gone faster than his hands can move. His brain floods him with thoughts, attempts to recover the perfect first sentence on his mind for days. He cannot reconstruct it no matter how hard he tries. It is nothing but a cynical metaphor."It has been days and I am struggling. Do you remember how we promised as leaders to share everything among us - about the members, the management, the pressure, the joy and us? Do you remember? I hope you do, because despite what the promise seems to mean to you, I am going to share with you. I can’t say it will be pleasant, but honesty is what I have left for you. Read carefully. Read every word. I will repeat nothing."Junmyeon sighs and throws the pen on the table. A start is made, but to continue is a hard quest. He gets up and makes himself some coffee, taking Yifan’s favorite mug by habit. He only realizes so when he sits back down. It will have to join the other pile of Yifan’s possessions, which Junmyeon has stored in his closet. Even now he is wearing one of Yifan’s sweaters; luckily none of the members have commented on it. He stirs the coffee mindlessly and contemplates the next sentences to write."How could you? No warning, no sign, no word, just suddenly you are gone and everything we hear is white lies until the company decides to fill us in that you want to force leaving. I don’t know who to believe - the company which of course sees their side, the facts on the lawsuit that hold no explanation or you who left without looking back. You left us. We are 11 people who all need you. You know that very well. You know the responsibility we shared, but being left alone with it, I wonder how to carry the burden by myself. Currently the members are making no trouble. I doubt you have ever seen them that way. How ironic is it that your leave prompts them to listen so well? Why did you have to do it? Why did you not share your problems with me? I would have helped you. All members would have helped. We could have brought our concerns and issues up together as a group. We have power as so many people. Don’t you trust us? Why did you have to do this on your own? This is hardly going to help any of the guys later if they want contract changes, you know that. And Hangeng’s law firm, really? Do you want to get away from us this badly? I guess I have to assume that you don’t need us like we need you.”Junmyeon sips from the coffee and almost burns his lips. Perhaps he is unfair, ungrateful even writing Yifan these things, but he can’t stop himself. It hurts. It hurts and Yifan did not take a single of his calls or answered his pleading messages. Junmyeon went all out to give Yifan a chance to explain himself. After this letter is written and sent he will close the case and move on. It will take time, but as a group, as EXO, they will get there. They have concerts and performances and interviews. EXO are professionals and they all agreed on showing this to the world. Yifan would have made that decision too… if he was still with them, but he is not. Every single day is a reminder for Junmyeon."The youngest understand, surprisingly. Sehun, Kai and Tao went ahead to claim stuff of yours. Tao sleeps in your blankets. Kai hoards your video games and says he’ll keep them stored for you. Good luck getting them back ever. And Sehun… I will not lie, Yixing and he locked themselves up for a while and when they came back out Sehun had his stoic face on and then went to the bathroom to take your beauty products. I don’t want to know why those out of everything. They separately told me they miss you, but that it’s okay. You are still their friend, even when EXO is no longer 12. You see, to me it’s not okay. I have to see the members pretending that they are happy for you, for your life choices. Not everyone does very well hiding how much it hurts. Kyungsoo has been out in the company practicing a lot and comes home for sleep, Baekhyun sees Taeyeon often and Jongdae keeps tearing up randomly, which is a first. Luhan has barely uttered a word and Minseok hyung is busy looking after everyone with me. He naturally took the place as M representative and asks all the important questions about M’s future. I am grateful to have him right now. It took such a situation to find Minseok handles responsibility just fine. He knows leadership.”Junmyeon drinks a little more from his coffee and glances at the clock. Kyungsoo will soon be home."Don’t you think you should explain yourself or at least apologize? If not to the management or the fans, to us you should. You are a brother and friend to our members, you are not a mere coworker to them. If the members are as important to you as you told me they are, you wouldn’t have left them wondering about your relationship aside from all this idol business. Everyone is thrown off because they question what they are to you."There is noise in the kitchen and Junmyeon abandons paper and pen to check. He is shortly relieved when he sees Kyungsoo at the oven. It is good to have him home.
“Hi” Junmyeon says softly and Kyungsoo gives him an acknowledging nod while stirring instant ramyun in a pot. Junmyeon says nothing further and puts two sets of place cover on the table. He watches Kyungsoo eat in silence, the second set remaining untouched. It is not for him.
“He makes me angry.” Kyungsoo finally says and puts his chopsticks aside.
“Me too.”
“Don’t kid yourself. Anger is not your prior emotion.”
“Just because I show clearly and more open than you that I miss him does not mean I’m not angry too.” Junmyeon protests sourly and makes a move to get up. He is not in the mood to deal with Kyungsoo when he is like this.
However, Kyungsoo tugs him back at his sleeve and makes his typical semi-apologetic face. With a sigh Junmyeon sits back down and waits for Kyungsoo to continue.
“I thought it meant something to him, being twelve yet one. What am I supposed to do with this now? That idiot doesn’t even know how much his presence was among us. We have a concert tour ahead and the members would need his assuring aura now. Everyone suddenly makes beginner mistakes and I am tired of seeing Jongdae choking on his emotions and you pretending that he is still there.”
Junmyeon snorts at him.
“You are one to talk. How many dinners like this did you have?”
“Kris liked Midnight ramyun.” Kyungsoo defends himself with thin voice and Joonmyeon hugs him when he comes crashing down seconds after. Kyungsoo cries just a little, but enough for Junmyeon to be relieved that he lets his feelings out.Returned to his letter Junmyeon feels several things at once. Sure, he had been aware that Kyungsoo had been avoiding any situation causing to reveal what he feels, but he is surprised nonetheless that Yifan got even under Kyungsoo’s skin to such a degree. It makes him feel angrier, sadder and terribly conflicted, because right in this situation Yifan would know what to do, would know how to approach Kyungsoo, how to make Luhan speak and Yixing mean the smile on his lips. He would know how to dry Jongdae’s tears, see through Minseok’s serious attitude and hold Tao without awkwardness.Junmyeon wishes Yifan was not the problem but the solution."I hate you for putting us in such a place. You came with such great willingness to be the base of this great thing that EXO is, but now that base is just emptiness whispering broken promises.”The pen lingers as Junmyeon hesitates. He contemplates if he wants to bring up the unspoken, the avoided, the disputable. The coffee is cold by now and he figures by Yifan’s record of denying him a reaction, he can take the risk and have the pretended nothingness spoken. He is tired of hiding. Yifan is selfish, well, then so will he be about just this."You know our promises to each other were always more than leaders sticking together, bigger than friends close in age, different from older members of this group wanting to discipline the younger. We can stop pretending. You stopped lying EXO is what you want and I will stop denying that we were more than friends. I am going to write it, black on white, because what use is it to bury it further inside our hearts now? I had feelings for you, I still have and you cannot claim that the way you let me hold you or the ways you pressed your lips against every spot of me that seemed appropriate means you felt any less. We both know it, even if none of us ever dared speaking the scary word: Love. I love you, even now. And you love me, at least you did and you showed me without words. I know I do not exaggerate, do not read something into what we were. The day before you left you held me tighter than ever before and I thought I would explode. It was a happy day until the day after. Were you saying goodbye? Or did you want to tell me that we can no longer continue in our gray area? About that I am not sure.
But right now, Yifan, clearly you don't want me. While I hurt for the members, this is what hurts me the most. That you are not here anymore and I cannot even hold onto the love we don't dare saying exists. Me too, I question what I am to you." "Junmyeon?" Kyungsoo asks softly behind him and hurriedly he shields the words from being viewed, the other arm going up to wipe the tears he allowed to fall.
“It’s fine.”