Trying to Escape (1/2)

I was crying when she found me;

I had been lost.But she found me,

And I was lost no longer. She almost didn't see me;

She almost stumbled on my sadness manifested,

My body strewn carelessly in the middle of the street.But she saw me before she could fall. She saw me,

And from the moment her eyes first looked to me,

I was lost no longer. "Are you alright?" she asked carefully as she backed a few steps away.

I suppose she wanted to give me space to cry,

Space to breathe and catch myself before I crashed into a sea of deep, boundless frustration. "I...I'm fine," I assured her as I hid my tears, wiping them away violently.

I swallowed my self-pity and straightened my posture, very like a man.Men were not supposed to cry;

I had wronged myself and could not change what she had already seen.I was a disgrace and I knew it.

I knew it, and after she had seen me so pitiful,

So pathetically bound by personal resentment,

She knew it too. "No you aren't," she stated without a shred of doubt.

She took a step closer to me as she realized that she had been right.The air between us was growing thinner,

Making it harder for me to breathe -

Forced to adjust to her light weight,

Bearing itself heavily on my concept of self.It was hard to know who I was,

What made me who I was.I was dizzy with her -

Dizzy because of her. "Would you like to tell me what happened?

It might make you feel better." Who was I to talk about feelings?

About emotions?Men did not speak of their feelings.

If they did, their own feelings could be used against them -

To bring them down and destroy them while they were at their weakest.I was a man.

I was sure I was a man.

Therefore I had to act like a man.And act like a man I did. "No thank you.

I should go." Never could I show my true feelings.

Never could I speak the secrets of the heart.Father never did. And father was a man.

Father was a man, but what was I?I had to be a man like father.

I had to live up to his expectation.

I had already been scolded enough for failing to do so.I was tired of displeasing him -

Tired of fooling myself into thinking that it was alright to be who he wanted me not to be.I was a man,

And I finally decided to start being one. "Wait, don't go yet," she called as she hurried to catch up to me. I had no time to stop for her.

I had much thinking left to do. "I'm sorry, I don't have the time to..." Before I could finish my sentence,

She grabbed my wrist.I stopped as soon as I felt her skin touch mine.Her skin was as light as her presence,

Making it harder for me to breathe.I felt something growing inside of me,

Taking root in the bottom of stomach,

Rising, reaching upwards,

Branching through every inch of my body,

Piercing right through my heart,

Releasing drops of red blood, falling like rain on the leaves,

Making it burst through my skin and escape into the world,

Far beyond my eyes and, for all I could tell, hers.What that something was,

I didn't know then.

But oh,

I know it now.All too well.

Not enough. "I think...

I've seen you before." Impossible.

Never had I seen her before.I would have remembered her face:

Those eyes that were darker than the dark,

Deeper than the deepest depths;

A gaze that was infinite and penetrating,

So soft on the skin, but so sharp it tore the flesh simply;

Thin lips,

Parted as she breathed,

The corners of her mouth curving upwards to the sky,

Forming a steady smile that spoke so much more than words;

A face that revealed all that she was,

All that she used to be,

And all the she ever would be

By the single bat of an eyelash,

The small quiver of her lip as the cold air caught up to her. That face...

Was a face unlike any other.It was something more than a face:

It was a storybook -

The pages of the heart,

The cover of the soul.It was a face

I could never have forgotten. "I...I don't think I...remember you..." "I don't expect you would. Not many people do.

But that's okay.

Life goes on." She shivered as she spoke,

Shivered from something more than cold.She was cold with excitement,

Cold with expectations

Of a life so much better than the one she knew.I did not know that then,

But oh how I know it now.How I wish I had known it that day;

How I wish I had trapped her, kept her caged,

Prevented her from leaving,

Free as a leaf carried by the wind,

Yet bound by the course the wind so chose.But now she is lost, never to be found,

And I must live with the regret...

Of not holding on to her when I had the chance. "Well, I certainly will remember you now.

You can count on that." And I did. I did remember.I remembered you every waking moment of each and every day.

I remembered until my head was bruised with thoughts of you and my lips turned blue, waiting to find yours.

I remembered until I ran short of breath and was too exhausted to move.

I remembered until I could no longer see and hear what was before me.And what I remembered above all else...

Was your face.Your unreachable face

That I would always be left to reach for

But would never touch.Ever again.  I wipe the tears from my eyes.He sits before me,

Soaked by his own astonishment at my marvelous feat.'Nam Woohyun has spoken! Can you believe it?

Nam Woohyun is not mute, as all had believed.Can you believe he can still make words,

When before he only spoke in memories?'I can only imagine the thoughts he is having,

Thinking as he looks back at me now.But I am growing tired of constantly thinking.It is time to take a rest,

To put my mind to sleep. "Sunggyu..." "Yes, Woohyun?" "Let's...

Let's just talk."  "Prove it to me then." "Prove what?" "That you will remember me.

Without proof, your words are meaningless nothings.

Just bits of air - wasted space.

Prove what you say, and say only what you are willing to prove." "Alright, have it your way.

How can I prove to you that I meant what I said?" "Meet me here. Tomorrow. At the same time.

Recognize my face, just as you believe you can." "Fair enough. I will find you again tomorrow. Until then...

I never did catch your name." "You never caught it because I never said it." "What is your name, then?" "If I tell you, I'll only be cheating myself." "What do you mean?" "You could just call out my name instead of recognizing my face. Then I would be helping you cheat your promise.

And if I help you cheat, who am I cheating but myself?" "Are you always so analytical about everything?" "I prefer not to be called analytical.

I'm just...

Lost." "Lost?" "In my own world. A place I love to be.

A place I leave unlocked, but nobody ever comes to the door.

Sad, right? But that's okay.

Life goes on." "Yes, I suppose so.

My name is Woohyun.

I'm certainly not cheating by telling you that." "Actually, you are." "What do you mean?" "You won't understand what I mean just yet.

But sometime, far in the future...

You will remember what I said, and you will come to understand it." You were right;

You were always right.Here I am,

A year later,

Remembering what you said.And I think now I do understand your words.I only cheated myself by introducing myself to you...

By becoming closer with you...

Because you were always going to leave me.And you knew it too.

You were just too good to say so.Was hiding the truth to protect me worth it?Because from what I can tell...

I had no protection from heartbreak.No, I had the opposite.Your leave facilitated my heartbreak...

And if I had only known where you were going...

I would have met you there.I would have recognized your face again and again,

Just as I am doing now...

Now that you're gone.Now that you're truly lost.  "What do you want to talk about?" he asks as he moves closer to me. He is sitting so close I can touch his face.

It has been so long since I have been this close to someone.It is a feeling...long forgotten. "Oh, I don't know. You, the weather, you, nothing...you.

Let's talk about you." "Why would you want to talk about me?" he asks. He looks at the floor.

His body becomes stiff.The air around us is heavy.

It is crushing our bones.He is harboring secrets.

He is painting his scars. "Because I want to know you again.

I want to know you, but I don't want to remember you.

Not anymore. I'm through with remembering." After I say these words,

Sunggyu looks up from the floor

And looks straight into my eyes.There is something living inside of him,

Crawling up his spine and circulating in his blood.

Something that was once dormant, waiting to be forgotten,

But has now been awaken,

Has sadly been remembered.He sighs deeply as he feels that something breathing within him.He knows there is nothing he can do to hide it -

He must speak to be free from it,