TWENTY-TWO (1/1)

___________________________________________________________         25 CONTROVERSIAL QUOTES FROM THE STYLE EMPRESS          On her ideal man:         He doesn’t exist or already dead.          We love idealistic people and then we get threatened          by all that love and goodness and kill them.          All we have are dead heroes.          Sandara Park         ___________________________________________________     HE ENTERS MY APARTMENT AT PAST MIDNIGHT.     I’ve been sitting in the living room for close to two hours now. I left my own show earlier for Juancho to wrap up. He would know what to do. I just couldn’t function anymore after what Jaejoong did.     He pushed me too far.     We stare at each other.     For the first time since I met him, his eyes are devoid of warmth as he looks at me. I can feel the difference right away as I’ve received nothing but light from him since I met him. It’s a total eclipse of the sun. “Where have you been?” I ask him quietly.     “I went to walk.”     I nod. I bow my head. I don’t know what to say to him. My mind is one huge chaos I don’t know where things start and end. I need peace and quiet. I need time off from all this shit.     I just want to be alone, but he’s here.     Silence pervades.     He walks closer to me.     “Why did you do it?”     I look up at him.     “Why did you push me away?”     His eyes are bleak. I know that’s exactly how I look too, or worse. I’m so drained I don’t have anything left in me tonight.     “You asked me to tell the world how much I love you. I did. But what did you do?”     For the first time since I met him, too, I feel his distance. He’s like a hologram now. Here but so far away.     “You and I…it’s just too complicated, Jaejoong.”     “I know. But isn’t what we have worth fighting for, Dara?”     His accusing tone lights up the dying embers of devastation inside me. I stand up to face him squarely.     “Don’t tell me I haven’t tried.”     “Yes, you have. But not good enough. You’re not even putting up a good fight. You saw your ex and you crumbled like dust at his feet.”     I clench my fists. “You know nothing of what I feel!”     “I do. You told me on the island. You tell me every time you push me away. I feel what you feel. Right now, I’m full of it. You’re looking at me and you’re seeing him.”     His words are slivers of truth cutting through me. I can’t stand hearing them. I can’t stand him seeing through me. I want to hide. To be shut off, to be impenetrable, but he sees me all too clearly and he exposes me with such honesty I hate myself even more. “I don’t have to listen to this. You better leave.”     He stares at me, a stricken look on his face. But I’m at my breaking point, too.     “So, you’re gonna run again? Just like what you’ve been doing all these years. Running away, but going in circles, always coming back to where you came from. It’s a cycle you need to break, Dara.”     I point to the door. “Get out!”     “I will. But you will listen to me first. Quit running! Stand still and reach inside of you. Listen to your soul. Find yourself again.” He slams his palm on his chest. “Your center.”     “Oh please, will you quit spouting metaphysical bullshit, Jaejoong? You’re judging me from the high tower of your perfect island where you live a perfect life!”     He smiles sadly and shakes his hea