FIFTEEN (1/1)

___________________________________________________________25 CONTROVERSIAL QUOTES  FROM THE STYLE EMPRESSOn finding true love:Love is a volatile commodity.I gotta call my financial adviser if I want to invest in it.But based from past experience,it’s not a profitable endeavor. Big investment, unstable returns.Sometimes, you luck out but most of the time, you go bust.Sandara Park__________________________________________________   I’M NOT PREGNANT.  The blood test doesn’t lie.  It’s even more accurate than a urine test.  It’s negative.  Almost two weeks of fucking my Bubba Dada non-stop didn’t yield a baby.  Nada.  Maybe I’m barren, after all.  “It doesn’t happen right away, Sandara,” my good doctor tries to placate my feelings.  “You need to be patient. Try again.”  I don’t reply.  Try again? That was my one and only chance with an actual penis to get pregnant.  The only chance I’ve allowed. Never again. There’s just too much at stake in that procedure.  “Or we can go to your second option which is preserving your eggs now and try for IVF once you’ve found a donor.”  I just nod.  “Sandara…”  “What really happened there? Why didn’t I conceive?” I ask her, my face, stoic.  “Well, let me ask you first. Are you sure that the man you uhm… had sex with was fertile? Maybe he didn’t have enough sperm count—”  I expel a hallow laugh. “No, doctor. I’m sure, he was very fertile. Tell me frankly. Are my eggs not healthy enough to survive fertilization?”  “I will run tests on your cervical mucous. It could be too acidic that it kills the sperm or too thick for the sperm to swim towards your uterus comfortably. If it’s too scanty, then the sperm won’t survive, too.”  I’m trying to hold it together. The disappointment is about to overwhelm me any moment now and I need to get out of there.  “I think IVF is best for you.”  I just can’t think of other options right now. “I’ll come back later to discuss that, doctor.”  “Of course. Call me when you’re ready. We have to prepare your body for the procedure. I suggest that we do it as soon as possible.”   My doctor’s voice is just a buzzing sound around me and can’t get past the roaring rush of disappointment coursing through every part of me. I feel crushed. To the bone.  I leave her clinic still dazed.  I board my limo and I sit there, staring in space, thinking of Jaejoong, of all the things we did. All the beautiful things.  He made love to me everyday for fourteen days, filling me with his life-giving essence every time, even several times a day.  And nothing.  My body rejected his seeds.  A sob escapes my throat.  I’m horrified. Oh no! I will not cry! No no no no!  But I can’t stop it. It’s like a tidal wave washing over me.  The pain in my chest is just too much. My head will explode if I don’t let it go.  I let it go.  For the first time in a decade, I cry. Not just cry. I’m sobbing my heart out. Was it too much to ask?  Just a baby.  Thousands of babies are conceived everyday. I just want one. Why is it so hard for me to have one?  I want to have someone I can really call my own. Someone I can belong to, irrevocably. Someone who would take me, all of me without question. Someone who would love me unconditionally.  That baby. That precious baby.  I feel like I’ve lost it. The baby I wanted so much.  Jaejoong’s baby.  ————//————  NOT PREGNANT.  I stare at the words on my cellphone’s screen.  Two words. In capital letters.  I feel shell-shocked for a few minutes.  Finally, the number she gave me made a sound but it’s not her telling me she misses me and can’t wait to see me again.  Instead I get this.  THIS!  So, this is all I’d get after waiting for almost two weeks for her to make contact?  It’s like a death knell.  A door slamming shut.  An end.  I respected her request not to make any contact until the time she’s been tested for pregnancy. She’d be the one to call, she’d promised.  I agreed, but only to give her peace of mind so she’ll not be stressed after she left the island.  It’s been a nerve-wracking two weeks. I’m an even-tempered person but after meeting Dara, I found out I can be upset badly.  Everyday I fought the urge to hop on the jet and fly to Korea.  Only my mother stopped me.  “Give her space,” she’d said.  “But why…I don’t understand why she needs space from me, Mother. I’ll never hurther.”  “Not all good intentions have good effects on people. Sometimes, they even harm. Let her open the door for you when she’s ready. Don’t force your way in.”  “But—“  “Jaejoong, trust me, I’m a woman. I know these things. And Dara is not an ordinary woman. Be patient.”  That was before I received her cryptic message.  This is a crucial point.  I can feel from her simple words that she’s very upset.  She wanted that baby so much.  If I don’t go to her now, I just know she’ll no longer contact me. She’ll try to forget me. She has too much pride. It’s in her character and she needs to change that.  It hurts that she can just let me go after everything we’ve shared, but I know her past demons are still very strong. She’s still wrapped tightly by a festering wound that hasn’t been healed for years.  She needs to heal completely. Our two weeks together were not enough. Not nearly enough. We need more than that.  We need forever.  I’ll not let her forget what we had. What we still have.  No way.  She needs to be reminded.  ————//————     “Do you know what you’re getting into?”  Seldom does my mother question my plans and intentions.  She’s the calmest person I know, never a slave of her temper. The fact that she’s doing so now gives away her real feelings. She’s worried.  “I thought you wanted me to venture out of the island.”  “Yes…but Korea?”  “I don’t have a choice. Dara lives there.”  She inhales deeply and puts down her paint brush and her palette on her working table. She wipes her hands on her apron and faces me. “This thing with Dara…”  “I love her.”  “How do you know you truly love her?”  I smile. “You’re the last person I’d expect to be asking me that question, Mother.”  She nods in understanding. “Her life is very different from yours, what you’re used to. She’s quite famous, and she moves in that society. They know her. She knows them.”  “I know. I’ll take the risk.”  “Tae Hee will not like this.”  “Must our lives always depend on their whims, Mother?”  She sighs and I see the ghosts of the past haunt her eyes. “Remember your father. His legacy.”  “I’ll go there in peace. If they give me trouble, then I’d finally be in the mood to be a royal bastard after all these years. Her eyes harden. “Don’t talk like that. I didn’t raise you to be like that. Your father would be disappointed in you.”  I feel contrite. That was uncalled for. I’m making her more anxious. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”  “Have you told her?”  I shake my head.  “You should tell her. This is not something you just dump on someone’s head.”  “I will. When I see her, I will.”  “Do you need Nam Gil?”  “No. I want to do this alone. He’s needed here.”  “Alright. But bring someone else. Be prepared for anything. We don’t know how they will react to your presence there.”  Please Subscribe to read the full chapter