Secretly, Silently (1/1)

I like being in the dark.Myungsoo does not like being in the dark. That is probably the reason why I like it.Because that means that we share the same bed, even though that probably isn’t very smart from my side. You see, I am in love with Myungsoo, although he doesn’t know that. I am trying to keep it that way, for the sake of our friendship and for the sake of the other members. I don’t want to create any complications or problems just because I am in love with one of the members of our group. That would be selfish.  Myungsoo has been afraid of the dark ever since he was little. It’s quite strange really, since he isn’t scared of anything else as far as I know. But when it comes to the darkness, he is terrified. Except for when he is with me, that is. Whenever he is with me, he forgets his fear completely.Which is why we sleep together in the same bed, side by side, while the other members sleep in separate beds in another room.I usually wrap my long arms around his slim waist, burying my head in his neck. He smells nice. That might be my favorite part: breathing in his scent. Or it might be feeling his fingers gently curl around my arm, as if making sure that I am really there. Or feeling the slow rising and falling of his chest as he quietly falls asleep.There is nothing awkward between us. Sleeping together has become as natural as breathing. It is second nature. A habit; a routine. It isn’t special. At least not to Myungsoo. For him it is just a matter of being able to fall asleep.Secretly, silently, it is special to me. I try not to think too much about it, and I mostly succeed. I am also used to it. Just because I am used to it doesn’t mean that I do not find it special though. To me, sleeping next to Myungsoo is the most special thing in the world. “Yeollie-ah, I’m tired,” Myungsoo mumbles, rubbing his eyes cutely. “Let’s go to bed.”“But I’m not tired yet,” I whine.“But you know I can’t sleep without you,” Myungsoo pouts.  He knows I cannot resist that. “Fine.”Myungsoo grins innocently, and he walks over to me and clings to my arm. I look down at him, at his sparkling eyes, and I know that I will never be able to resist him. I’ll remain his slave for the rest of my life, I think, and cannot help but sigh at the thought. The future does not seem to have much in stow for me.“Why are you sighing?” Myungsoo inquires curiously as he looks at me through his lashes, his arms still wrapped around my arm.“I thought about how I’m going to be your slave for the rest of my life,” I say dejectedly.“What do you mean?” Myungsoo asks, his head slightly tilted to the left. I notice that his voice has gotten brighter than just a moment ago.“If you can’t sleep without me, how am I ever going to get away from you?”“You’ll just have to stay next to me forever then,” Myungsoo beams, his hands gripping my arm just a little tighter.“I guess…” I mumble.Secretly, silently, I like that idea very much. “Do you think we’ll be a group forever?” I ask as I lie on the floor along with the other members. We have watched a movie and eaten pizza, and now everyone is too full to do anything except lie here on the living room floor.“Of course,” Dongwoo replies immediately.“Isn’t that a given?” Sungjong chimes in.“Infinite is infinite,” Woohyun says, and he laughs at his own joke.“You aren’t funny, hyung,” Sungjong reprimands.“You just don’t understand what a good sense of humor is,” Woohyun answers.“No one here understands your humor,” Hoya informs him.“Then none of you have a good sense of humor,” Woohyun sniffs.“Relax, Woohyun-ah,” Sunggyu chuckles.“I am relaxed,” Woohyun retorts.“Then that’s good.”“We'll be together forever and ever and ever,” Myungsoo says and I can hear the smile in his voice. He is lying on his back next to me, as usual, and his arm is almost touching my side. I wish it would touch my side.Almost as if he can read my thoughts, he rolls towards me and wraps his arm around my waist. I let him rest his head on my outstretched arm and silently start to stroke his hair. I know he likes it when I do that.“Here we go again: the forever-cuddly Myungie,” Sungjong sighs loudly. I can almost hear him rolling his eyes. “You should just make it official already.”“Make what official?” I ask curiously.“Myungie should make it official that he loves you above everyone else. It’s so darn obvious. Does he ever hug me like that? No. Does he cling to anyone else like they’re his only reason to live? No. It’s you. It’s always you. Yeollie, Yeollie, Yeollie. He never talks about anything but ‘Yeollie’.”Myungsoo stays silent. He usually does that when someone comments about how it looks like he is in love with me because of the way he constantly sticks next to me, like we are glued together.“It’s because we are best friends,” I tell Sungjong, like I have told people countless times before. “And Myungie likes skinship.” Nearly imperceptibly I feel Myungsoo breathe out, almost as if it is a sigh.“Yeah, yeah. You always say that,” Sungjong says, waving my explanations away. “But no matter how much you try to protect Myungsoo’s image, I don’t believe him. I swear, he’s totally in love with you.”Again, Myungsoo stays silent. I wish he would speak up once in a while, so I don’t have to be the one to do it all the time.“It’s not like that, Sungjong-ah,” I say earnestly. “Really.”“Whatever,” Sungjong replies. When I look at him, I see that he is smiling discreetly. So he doesn’t believe me after all. “You can’t deny the fact that the two of you are very touchy-feely with each other, though,” Woohyun comments out of the blue.“Is that so wrong?” I defend. “Why can’t we touch each other?”“Of course it isn’t wrong!” Woohyun says immediately. “I touch Sunggyu-hyung all the time. I’m not saying there’s anything bad about that, pabo. I’m just stating facts.”“Fine then,” I mumble.All the while, Myungsoo stays silent. Why does he never speak up? Why doesn’t he defend himself; explain it so that people will stop misunderstanding?But until the end, Myungsoo doesn’t utter a single word. When the others slowly start to disappear one after another as they head to bed, I notice that Myungsoo has fallen asleep. His arm is lying limply on my chest, his face buried in the crook of my arm. He looks completely innocent as he lies there, breathing so calmly. Innocent and beautiful.I gently lift him up and carry him off to our bed. After I have gently laid him down on the mattress, I climb in myself.Because he is already asleep, I bend over and kiss his cheek. He won’t know anyway, so I tell myself that it is okay. Then I lie down and curl my body around his, pulling the blanket over the both of us. Secretly, silently, I feel the warmth that always fills my chest whenever I touch Myungsoo. “Yeollie-ah. Wake up.”I groan and slowly open my eyes. Myungsoo is looking down at me with his big, dark eyes. His hair is still messy. I itch to smooth it out, brush it away from his eyes. Before I think twice about it, I reach out my hand and do exactly that.Myungsoo doesn’t move as I comb through his hair with my fingers. Instead, he closes his eyes and a gentle smile appears. He sits quietly on the bed without doing anything at all. He likes it when I touch his hair. I like the fact that he likes it when I touch his hair. I love the fact that he likes it.When I pull my hand away, Myungsoo immediately opens his eyes again. “No, don’t stop. Do it some more.”“I already smoothed it out,” I tell him.Instantly he reaches for his hair and ruffles it until it looks like a bird’s nest. I can’t help but chuckle.Again I lift my hand and stroke his hair, and again Myungsoo closes his eyes contentedly. Sometimes I wish I could freeze time. Just for a second. Just so I could enjoy the moment for a second longer. This moment is one of those moments.After a while, Myungsoo decides to lie back down. He lays his head on my arm and stares at me. “I like you,” he says.“And I like you too,” I answer.“I really, really, really like you.”“And I really, really, really like you too.”Myungsoo smiles, and he snuggles into me, hugging me tightly. “I like you the best of all," he murmurs into my shirt.“And I like you the best of all,” I reply.He does this frequently too. Tells me how I am his favorite. How he really, really, really likes me. I like it when he does that, but at the same time it makes me uncomfortable because I cannot answer him with complete honestly. When I tell him I like him, what I really want to say is that I love him. When I tell him that I like him the best of all, what I really want to say is that I love him more than myself.Instead I say it inside my head; secretly, silently.“What are you thinking about?” Myungsoo inquires, his head still buried in my chest.“I was wondering…” I say, unsure of whether or not to continue. I decide to just go for it. “Why do you never defend yourself when people say that it looks like you’re in love with me?”I don’t think Myungsoo expected that, because I can feel him jump slightly.“Why? Does it bother you?” he asks slowly.“Of course not. I’m just wondering. Wouldn’t it be easier to just explain the truth? Just tell everyone that we’re just best friends; that you like skinship; that you don’t have any feelings other than those of friendship? Wouldn’t that be better than always staying quiet?”“It sounds like it does bother you,” Myungsoo comments quietly.“No, don’t get me wrong, really,” I assure him. “I just don’t understand why you don’t ever say anything, that's all. I just want to understand.”“Is it really that hard to understand?” he says softly, almost inaudibly.“Well… yeah,” I tell him honestly.“I’m hungry,” he suddenly blurts out, and before I know it, he has risen and disappeared from our bedroom. “Don’t you think Myungsoo has been acting kind of weird lately?” Hoya muses, a concerned expression on his face.“I agree,” Sungjong nods.“What do you mean?” I ask.“Haven’t you noticed? He never clings to you anymore,” Hoya replies.Of course I’ve noticed. I am just pretending that I haven’t. “Not really.”“Well, he doesn’t. Cling to you, that is. And he seems sort of gloomy too, come to think of it. He doesn’t smile as much as he used to.”“It’s probably just a phase,” I say reassuringly, desperately hoping that I am right. “Goodnight,” Myungsoo tells us as the members and I play cards, before he pads off to our bedroom.The other members all look from one to another, and then they look at me, their expressions varying from confused to concerned to puzzled. I know they are probably thinking the same thing that I am thinking: Myungsoo didn’t pull me with him. He didn’t make me come with him, so we could go to bed together.I immediately rise and leave the others, walking after Myungsoo.I find him already in bed, though the lights are on.When I enter the room, Myungsoo just stares at me.“Why did you do that?” I ask him, my voice sharper than intended.“Do what?” he asks.“You know what I’m talking about.”“No, I don’t.”“You went to bed without me.”“And?”“You never go to be without me.”“Isn’t it a good think that I’m learning to take care of myself?” Myungsoo asks, a hint of bitterness in his voice.“No,” I blurt out. “It isn’t a good thing. We’re best friends. We always go to bed together.”“Isn’t it time we grew up?” he says quietly.My eyes widen. “What are you saying?”“Everyone always says we are over-the-top touchy-feely anyway. I’m just trying to do what you told me to.”“Do what? I never told you to do anything.”“I’m making people stop misunderstanding, obviously.” Myungsoo scowls at me. “So they won’t think I’m ‘in love with you’, like they put it.”“Who cares what others think?” I say, looking at him pleadingly.“You do, apparently.”“No, I don’t,” I answer.“That wasn’t how it seemed like to me the last time we spoke about the subject.”“I was just curious, for crying out loud. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. They can think whatever they want for all I care. I just don’t want it to hurt you, that’s all.”“Hurt me?” he repeats, tilting his head to the side.“Yeah, hurt you. I don’t want others to judge you based on some silly rumor.”“So you’re saying you were asking… because you wanted to protect me?” He sounds almost hopeful.“Exactly,” I nod, quickly striding over to our bed. I wrap my arms around him and press him close to my chest; close to my heart. “I just wanted to protect you.”“I don’t need any protection as long as I can stay next to you,” he mumbles quietly.“You can always stay next to me,” I reassure him, gently stroking his hair.And just like that, we are back to our overly touchy-feely relationship. “You were right then,” Sungjong comments.“About what?” I inquire.“It was just a phase.”“Oh,” I say, finally understanding what he is talking about. “Yeah, I guess.”“Actually, isn’t he even more touchy-feely than before? If that’s even possible…”“Well, I guess…” It was true. Myungsoo seemed to cling to me more than ever before. Sometimes he would suddenly grab my hand and entwine his fingers with mine. Other times he would kiss the arm that I had wrapped around him before he fell asleep. It made my skin burn pleasantly whenever he did that. “What are you talking about?” Myungsoo asked as he walked into the kitchen, where Sungjong and I were sitting.“How you are constantly glued to Sungyeollie here,” Sungjong answers and nods at me.For some reason, that makes Myungsoo blush. He pulls out a chair and joins us at the table. “What about it?”“Nothing about it. I was just observing the obvious. And thinking that it looks exactly like someone who is completely infatuated with someone else…” Sungjong trails off. He looks at Myungsoo, probably to watch his reaction. As expected, Myungsoo doesn’t reply.“Aren’t you ever going to defend yourself?” Sungjong asks.“Why should I do that?” Myungsoo counters.“Because if not, I will constantly go around and think that you’re in love with Sungyeol.”“Think whatever you want,” Myungsoo retorts.“Myungsoo…” I say, unable to continue. Why are you doing this again?“Don’t,” he tells me. “Don’t say it.”“Say what?” I ask him.“That I should just ‘explain the truth’. Just don’t.”I look at him, but cannot understand what he is thinking. I cannot understand at all.“Okay, I won’t say it,” I reply in the end.“Good,” Myungsoo answers. Then he rises from his chair and walks away, never glancing back.“Well, that was weird,” Sungjong remarks. That night Myungsoo is tense when we climb into bed together. When I bring my arms around his waist, he flinches. It is just for a moment, but I cannot help but notice it. It bothers me. It bothers me immensely.“Why are you so quiet?” I whisper into his ear. My lips are almost touching his ear. I want to kiss it.Again he jumps, as if I have scared him. “No reason.”“Don’t act stupid. I can tell when there’s something going on.”“But you can’t tell what.” It almost sounds like a question.“No, I can’t tell what,” I agree.“Good.”“What do you mean, good?” I inquire, a little offended.“I don’t want you to understand.”“Why?”“I don’t know how you’d feel about it…”“Tell me. Then you’ll know,” I suggest.He turns around in my arms, so that he is facing me. Slowly, ever so slowly, he tilts his head up and looks into my eyes. “I don’t think I could tell you.”“Why?”“What if you disliked me for it?” His eyes are searching mine, as if they are looking for an answer. I wish I could give him the answer that he wants, but I don’t know the question.“Just tell me,” I insist.“I can’t tell how you feel,” he suddenly says.“Feel about what?” I ask.“About me.”I look at him for a moment, to see if he is kidding, but his expression remains serious. “I like you, of course. You know that,” I tell him.“But that’s not what I mean,” Myungsoo mumbles.“Then show me what you mean,” I say, wanting to understand.Again he searches my eyes as if looking for an answer. He seems to be hesitating over something.Just when I am about to open my mouth and tell him to get on with it, he stretches his neck towards me and touches his lips to mine. I start in surprise, but I don’t move. He doesn’t move away either. I can feel my heart thumping wildly in my chest. When another second passes by without Myungsoo pulling away, I bring my hands to his face and kiss him properly. That seems to surprise Myungsoo immensely, because for a moment he doesn’t move at all. Then, as if realizing what is going on, he touches my face, strokes my hair, kisses me back.When the kiss has ended, Myungsoo stares at me with big eyes. I am probably doing the same.“I like you,” he whispers.“And I like you,” I whisper in return.“I really, really, really like you.”“And I really, really, really like you.”“I like you the best of all.”“And I like you the best of all.”Then I remember what I have been thinking every time he says that, and so I say, “Actually, I take that back.”“What?” Myungsoo exclaims. He looks concernedly at me, his brows furrowing adorably.  “I don’t like you: I love you. And I don’t just like you the best: I love you more than myself.”That makes Myungsoo smile again, more happily than ever, and he buries his face in my chest. I let him come to me, like I always do, and relish in the fact that for the first time ever I don’t have to keep my feelings hidden. I don’t have to say it secretly or silently, so that he won’t know. Instead I get to say it out loud, so that the one who was meant to hear it can finally understand my feelings: “I love you.”