[M] Part IV: Beijing Again (1/2)

“So how was your trip?”

Joonmyun has been here before, in the shotgun seat of Yixing’s car as he is driven back to Yixing’s apartment.

“It was great! Guangzhou is beautiful, it felt like it was still summer there.”

“Good, since it won’t feel like that again for a few months in Wuhan. What did you do?”

“The usual tourist stuff. I met an interesting guy on my last day.”

“Oh?”

"Yeah, we had a nice meal together."

"That reminds me actually, have you had lunch yet?"

"No, I'm starving."

"Perfect, because lunch should be ready by the time we get back to my apartment."

"You didn't leave the stove on to cook for me, did you?" Joonmyun asks in alarm.

"No, of course not. Someone else is doing the cooking."

"Tao?"

"No, not quite. You'll see when you get home."

The last person Joonmyun expects to see in Yixing's kitchen is Luhan.

"We're home!" Yixing announces, wheeling Joonmyun's suitcase into the apartment. "That smells delicious."

Lined up on the kitchen table are platters piled with stir-fried eggplant, steamed pork, fish, deep fried lotus root, and rice balls.

"I didn't know you knew how to make tanzi," Yixing comments, picking up a rice ball. "Hm, not bad. Very authentic."

"My mother's from Chenchang," Luhan reminds him, stirring the beef and turnip stew on the stove.

"Oh, that's right. I always forget that you're a village boy at heart despite your cold, city boy exterior."

Luhan frowns and looks up from the stew, finally seeing Joonmyun. Their eyes meet, but neither of them are sure of what to do with their faces. Joonmyun tries on a smile, but Luhan's face is still frozen in shock.

"You look like you've seen a ghost, Luhan," Yixing teases.

"I have."

Over the past several months, Luhan's love for Joonmyun had blossomed, unasked and untended, growing wild in their time apart. Joonmyun had disappeared without a trace—Luhan had made him go away—but the distance only made Luhan pine for him even more.

His expectations for seeing Joonmyun again were low. He cautioned himself against idealizing Joonmyun too much, or else he would just be disappointed. It wouldn't be unreasonable for Joonmyun to hate him at this point, because of everything Luhan had done to him—but Joonmyun is smiling like he's genuinely glad to see Luhan again.

"Hi," Joonmyun exhales. "What are you doing here, Luhan?"

"I bumped into him at my conference in Beijing," Yixing explains. "He followed me all the way back–"

"What are you doing here, Joonmyun?" Luhan interrupts, acting like Yixing isn’t even there.

"I kind of live here," Joonmyun giggles.

"Is that right?"

"Shut up, you knew that already," Yixing mutters, unappreciative of being ignored by Luhan. "I'm going out for lunch with Tao and Jongdae so you two can have a nice long talk."

"It's not like you're gonna be any less of a third wheel if you're with those two," Luhan points out.

"Jongdae's here, too?" Joonmyun asks, his eyes lighting up in interest.

"Yeah," Luhan replies glumly. "He's looking for a new job. Apparently I'm stressing him out too much."

"We can talk more about that some other time," Yixing tells him. "See you guys later. Try not to burn the apartment down."

Yixing locks the door behind him, and Joonmyun turns to Luhan to ask, "Wait, does that mean that Jongdae and Tao are a thing now?"

"We haven't seen each other in months, and that's the first thing you ask me?" Luhan scoffs in disbelief.

"This is all so surreal. I can't even believe I'm seeing you right now."

“Yeah, me neither.”

Luhan’s gaze darts between Joonmyun’s eyes, down to his lips, then back up to his eyes again. He wishes he could close the distance between them just to confirm that this moment together is really happening.

“Does that mean you missed me?” Joonmyun asks softly.

It’s a simple yes-or-no question, but Luhan’s tongue is tied. He casts around in his mind for words to say, but comes up empty.

“Well, I missed you,” Joonmyun whispers, almost as if his words aren’t meant for Luhan to hear. He steps closer to Luhan, so close that Luhan can count the transparent shadows cast by Joonmyun’s eyelashes fanning across his cheeks.

For a moment, Joonmyun’s eyes search his, but then he wraps his arms around Luhan’s shoulders in a fleeting embrace that is over before Luhan realizes what’s happening. Joonmyun steps away just as quickly, like he was caught doing something wrong.

It’s the first time a hug has ever sent Luhan’s heart racing.

“Um...Luhan?”

“Y-yeah?”

“The pot on the stove is almost about to overflow.”

“Shit!”

Luhan manages to rescue the stew and Yixing’s kitchen just in time, and he threatens to fire Joonmyun if he tattles to Yixing about the mishap.

“You’re not the boss of me!” Joonmyun whines.

“Well, that’s actually something else I was hoping to talk to you about. Since Jongdae is trying to transfer into Yixing’s division, that means I won’t have a personal assistant anymore.”

“Oh. Is that why you came all the way down to Wuhan? To look for a new employee in exchange for Jongdae?”

Luhan catches the tone of hurt in Joonmyun’s voice and quickly clarifies, “No, not just that. I came down here for...personal reasons, too.”

“Like what?”

“Well, I have family nearby that I have to visit.”

“Oh.”

He’s skirted around the issue for too long already, so Luhan finally gathers the courage to be upfront about how he feels. “And also because I wanted to see you, Joonmyun. Not just as an employee, but as a...friend? No, that doesn’t seem like it’s the right word for it. But I just really missed...you.”

The words come out halting, fumbling, while Joonmyun stares at him with his soup spoon hovering by his lips. Luhan is suddenly aware of the way Joonmyun is holding his spoon between his middle and ring fingers and just how stupidly adorable it looks.

Joonmyun breaks into a grin, and it’s like a heavy burden has been lifted from Luhan’s chest—most likely the stress of living on his nerves for too long, carrying the immense weight of his struggles on his own. There’s a promise somewhere, in that smile of Joonmyun’s.

“You know, that’s all I really wanted to hear,” Joonmyun tells him. By now, he understands that coming from Luhan, a confession as simple as that means so much. Luhan isn’t good with feelings in general, let alone with expressing them out loud. Joonmyun recognizes the courage it had taken Luhan to be so honest. “By the way, thanks for the birthday gift.”

“What? Oh, you mean the masseuses?”

“Yeah, they were really great!”

“So you enjoyed it?”

“Definitely!”

“I had a feeling you might be into some kinky shit,” Luhan chortles fondly, and Joonmyun almost chokes on his soup.

“This beef has a really interesting flavor,” he says, trying to change the subject.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. What kind of seasoning did you use?”

“I rubbed some cinnamon into it. I know it’s kind of weird, but my mother always used cinnamon in everything. It reminds me of her.”

“No, it’s actually not bad! It works, somehow. It’s just...different.”

“Different, but not bad,” Luhan murmurs. “I’ll take it. Sounds like something my mother would say.”

“Are you two close?”

“We’ve always had a complicated relationship. It’s not easy to raise someone like me, for a lot of reasons. She was always there for me growing up, though. But when I turned twenty, she moved back to Chenchang when she realized that I would never give her grandchildren to take care of. It was always more comfortable for her there.”

“But you still visit, right?”

“Now and then. Whenever I have time, and only when there’s somebody to come with me. Even after all this time, it’s still so hard to face her on my own.”

“That’s understandable,” Joonmyun says gently. He is fascinated by, but also grateful for the intimate glimpses that Luhan is exposing him to. It’s like Joonmyun is finally learning who Luhan really is. “Things like that take time.”

“Yeah,” Luhan agrees absentmindedly. “I’m going to stop by my mother’s village for a day or so on my way back to Beijing. It’s been over a year since the last time I was in Chenchang, so I’m about due for a visit.”

“When do you leave?”

“Tomorrow. I think Jongdae has made up his mind about whether or not he wants to stay in Beijing or relocate here. He met this guy at a fish spa, and they’ve been inseparable ever since.”

“Tao?”

“Yeah, you know him?”

“Tao’s a really great guy,” Joonmyun gushes. “So is Jongdae, they’ll be so good together!”

“Is that so? I’m glad,” Luhan says in a rare moment of sincerity. “I’m happy for them. But Jongdae was supposed to accompany me on my visit to my mother. He’s always been there for me as moral support.”

“But what if I came instead?” Joonmyun volunteers. “I wouldn’t mind. That is, if you don’t mind.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“It’ll be like you’re introducing me to your parents! Or at least, one of them.”

“Something like that.”

“Are you going to introduce me as your boyfriend?”

“What?”

“Oh!” Joonmyun gasps, suddenly realizing what he had asked. “Sorry, oh my god, I don’t know why I said that, it shouldn’t have come out–”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Luhan says carefully. “But before this turns into another giant clusterfuck...is that how you think of me? Or how you want to think of me?”

“If that’s okay with you,” Joonmyun admits shyly.

The apartment door suddenly swings open, and they both turn their heads at the sound of a shriek. A blur of black hair and bronze skin streaks across the living room and into the kitchen, hurtling towards Joonmyun.

“Gege!” Tao squeals, pulling Joonmyun to his chest in a bear hug. “I missed you so much!”

“Tao, it’s only been a few days!” Joonmyun wheezes.

“I need to introduce you to my boyfriend, gege!”

“Boyfriend?” Jongdae asks incredulously, barking out a laugh of disbelief. “I never agreed to anything.”

Tao whirls around to flash Jongdae a knowing grin, and Joonmyun tries to wave feebly at Jongdae in greeting, though his arms are still pinned to his sides by Tao’s embrace.

“Is it really okay for me to stay here?” Joonmyun asks as he rolls his suitcase into Luhan’s hotel room. “You and Jongdae were sharing a room, right?”

“Please,” Luhan scoffs, “Jongdae hasn’t stayed in this hotel room since he met Tao for the first time. It’s been just me. And I’m sure Yixing would like some alone time after having all of us over the entire evening.”

“That’s true, I thought it was time for me to stop being a bother to him.”

“Joonmyun, you’re not a bother. There’s no reason for you to think you are. Besides, it’s those two fucking lovey-dovey assholes who are the bothers.”

For a moment, Joonmyun just watches Luhan, studying the gentle curves and contours of his face. He looks the same, but in some ways, the man sitting on the bed opposite to him is a completely different person from the man with whom Joonmyun had such turbulent encounters in Beijing.

“What?” Luhan asks, noticing Joonmyun’s quiet contemplation. “What are you looking at?”

“You seem...different,” Joonmyun confesses. “You’re a lot calmer than I remember. Like you’ve mellowed out.”

“Well, I’ve had some time to think about myself and what I want.”

“And what is that?”

“I want…” Luhan closes his fists tightly around his bedsheets, which absorb the nervous moisture pricking his palms. “I just want to love you as much as I can.”

He’s completely vulnerable now, laying his feelings out in the open like he’s never done before. It’s terrifying, but thrilling at the same time, and for some reason, Luhan trusts Joonmyun enough to expose himself like this.

“You really want me to be your new personal assistant, don’t you?” Joonmyun jokes faintly.

“And/or boyfriend. But boyfriend would be preferable.”

“I accept your offer,” Joonmyun grins.

"Which one?"

“Both. Let’s seal the deal.”

“How?”

Joonmyun pretends to think about it. “A kiss should suffice,” he decides. He kicks his shoes off and swings his legs onto his bed, reclining onto his cushiony pillows. The clear message is for Luhan to join him, a wish that Luhan is happy to oblige.

Expecting to be ravished, Joonmyun closes his eyes and parts his lips softly, his back already arching in anticipation. But Luhan is overcome with the urge to be gentle with Joonmyun, despite how roughly he has treated each one of his previous lovers. Something about Joonmyun just tugs at Luhan’s chest cavity, compelling him to handle Joonmyun like a precious treasure.

For a few moments, Luhan just holds Joonmyun’s face in his hands, in awe of how perfectly Joonmyun's face fits within the space between Luhan’s fingertips. Joonmyun’s eyelids flutter open in surprise, and what he sees isn’t lust in Luhan’s eyes, but something so much more tender. And then Luhan’s lips are on top of his, slightly chapped but Joonmyun doesn’t mind. It’s Joonmyun who deepens the kiss, grazing with his teeth the swell of Luhan’s lower lip and probing with his tongue the warm, wet space behind Luhan’s lips.

Joonmyun’s whole body is tingling with pleasure just from the kiss, and he holds onto Luhan tighter, wrapping his knees around Luhan’s body and locking his ankles behind his back. Luhan wishes he could kiss Joonmyun endlessly if only it were possible.

Alone in the hotel room together, they could try anything they wanted to. And Luhan could take him, right now, but somehow it wouldn't feel right.

"I'm not sure what your thoughts are on premarital sex," Luhan mutters hoarsely, "but I think we should have at least one date before we do anything."

"Oh. Yeah," Joonmyun agrees a little reluctantly. "That's the right thing to do, isn't it?"

"I guess so. I'm not exactly sure though, since I haven't had many normal, healthy relationships for a frame of reference."

He says it so nonchalantly that Joonmyun bursts into surprised laughter.

"I'm really fucked up, aren't I?" Luhan asks wryly. "I know that Yixing told you about my BD, but that's just the tip of the iceberg."

"He did tell me," Joonmyun says seriously. "But you're still Luhan to me, and I love you because you're Luhan. That kind of thing isn't what makes you who you are."

"Joonmyun..." Luhan begins in a low, brittle voice. He rubs his eyes with his knuckles, and they come away wet with moisture. Strange. "Joonmyun, if I ever hurt you, please leave me. I don't deserve you."

"You're going to hurt my feelings if you keep talking about that kind of thing. Let's talk about something else instead."

"Like what? I'm no good at small talk."

"If you were a balloon, what color would you be?"

"What kind of fucking question is that?"

"I would be yellow," Joonmyun says, ignoring Luhan. "Because I'm happy most of the time, and I've got an optimistic outlook on life."

Luhan chuckles softly in disbelief. He wasn't invited to many sleepover parties as a kid, but he imagines that this is what it would feel like. He chatters to Joonmyun about the profound, the inane, and everything in between until they fall asleep in each other's arms.

The only way to reach Chenchang from Wuhan is by winding dirt roads through the countryside, navigable only by locals. The village itself is a single paved street with clusters of tiny, tin-roofed houses scattered around the agrarian lands surrounding it. It's not even a dot on most maps, the kind of place that nobody has ever heard of unless they're from there.

They check into a modest business hotel with cement flooring and broken heating. Joonmyun feels like he is in a completely different world from the sophisticated cities he has been exposed to so far, though most of China resembles Chenchang much more than Beijing or even Wuhan.

"Not bad," Luhan says, surveying their single-bed hotel room. There isn't even a television in the sparsely furnished space, but Luhan seems impressed. "This is considered five stars around here. Chenchang has come a long way since I was a kid."

"Did you live here, in Chenchang?"

"Briefly. I don't remember much, just stuff my mother told me. I was born in a hospital not far from this hotel, I'll point it out to you on our way to visit my mother."

The ground is still soft and damp from last night's rain, so Luhan covers his shoes with plastic bags to protect them from the mud, fastening them around his ankles. He does the same for Joonmyun, who feels foolish with plastic bags on his feet until he realizes how many people outside are doing the same.

Luhan is solicitous of Joonmyun, paying him small, cherishing attentions and keeping a hand always on him, lightly, somewhere. When he realizes that Joonmyun's teeth are chattering in the damp chill, Luhan takes off his own scarf and drapes it around Joonmyun's neck. It's not like Luhan to be so gentle, so considerate towards another person, but he wants so desperately to be the man he thinks Joonmyun deserves.

They stop by a vendor kiosk by the side of the road, where an old man is selling brightly colored goods. Everywhere else in town is bleak and dull on this cold, overcast day, making his kiosk even more vibrant in contrast.

"Let's stop here for a few minutes so I can buy some gifts for my mother," Luhan says and hands Joonmyun a plastic bag to hold the gifts.

He picks out from among the colorful assortment of trinkets: a set of paper dresses that would fit a doll, a miniature plastic mahjong set, a few stacks of fake ¥100 bills, a brightly colored bouquet of long-stemmed plastic flowers, and red firecrackers.

Joonmyun carries the plastic flowers, while Luhan takes the bag containing everything else.