Look Up (1/1)

“kai! Please, stop! KAI!” I couldn’t care less that I was yelling my lungs out to the point where the windows shook. I just needed to get the kid to hear me out, to give me a chance to explain myself even though I honestly didn’t deserve it.It was my fault that we were in this mess… it was thanks to me that Kai’s heart was shattered into God knows how many pieces. I didn’t know if he was ever going to forgive me for that, but I needed to try.“Dammit, KAI!” Finally managing to catch up to him, I swiftly gripped his wrist and gave him a forceful yank that would hopefully be enough to get his attention and cooperation.“WHAT!?” Jongin furiously demanded after spinning around, his fierce outburst, but most importantly teary eyes and stained cheeks encouraged me to retrieve my pesky hand.The undeniably vulnerable state of the kid literally ripped the words right out of my throat and replaced them with a lump that was near impossible to dislodge. I absolutely hated myself, knowing that I was the one who made Kai cry… and I had no clue if I was ever going to be able to make it up to him. I practically forced him to confess to D.O. without even considering that maybe the other didn’t want to return the favour. And fuck were the signs there! Sure, they may not have been clear as day, but they were there, the signs that D.O. had a crush on me were certainly there. I just didn’t want to notice. That made me feel like absolute shit.“How could you do this to me, hyung? H-How!?” Kai took the initiative to speak up after realizing I had immense difficulty cooing out words. “You could have any guy you want, any guy at all and yet… you had to have D.O…. why?” His voice fell with nearly every word until he was virtually whispering.“K-Kai… let me explain. It’s not what it looked like, okay? I just-”“You just what, huh!? Wanted to feel him up? Wanted your tongue down his fucking throat!? Because you made it clear during lunch the other day that was what you wanted!” Kai brutally cut me off, furious with me to no end. But could you really blame him? I knew if the tables were turned I would be doing the exact same thing if not worse.“Maybe I should do the same thing to Luhan? Then you’ll see how it feels.” My eyes widened in horror by the kid’s threat, for I never expected something like that to ever come out of him. I hoped they were just empty words and that he really wouldn’t do such a messed up thing as to bring Luhan into this clusterfuck.I wanted to respond to Kai’s warning, but in the end refrained from doing so, for little did the maknae know, I was no stranger to the sinister feeling of betrayal and had already experienced it more times than I was comfortable with.“Kai, I’m so sorry, but… fuck… it’s complicated.” I honestly had clue how I was going to break it to him that D.O. didn’t have mutual feelings towards him. I got a cold shiver just thinking about how badly it was going to sting the younger.“Oh, yeah, sure it is.” Despite his cold tone, tears never ceased to blur his vision and even on occasion slid out.It was no secret that Kai hated crying in front of others, thus I knew just how hard he was trying to hold back the tears… just like how it was for me the day I ended my relationship with Luhan. The similarity was uncanny, so I just knew he was hurting gravely. And there was almost nothing I could do to help. I always loved to believe it was better late than never, but at that time I was questioning whether never was actually better in that situation, that Kai never needed to know that things with D.O. might not work out…I loathed myself that apart from staring at him in guilt I couldn’t do anything else, not even form a coherent sentence. However, even with the silence, Kai somehow managed to put everything together.“He loves you, doesn’t he?” There was this undeniable pang in my chest the moment Kai’s voice cracked at the realization that the only boy he had ever adored was in love with someone else. “I should’ve seen it coming, I guess. After all, he never stops talking about you.”“Kai, I swear I didn’t mean for that to happen. If I would’ve known this was how things were going to turn out, I would’ve left you two be. I got myself involved and just ended up screwing things up…”“Goddammit, hyung,” Kai ran his fingers through his hair as he unleashed a heavy sigh. “You didn’t… you didn’t screw things up, okay?”“No, but I did!”“No, no, no you didn’t…”“W-What are you talking about?” I was apprehensive when I responded, for I was slightly taken aback by his clear signs that there was something I missed.“I knew that he liked you for a while now. Although he told me many times that apparently he doesn’t any more, it’s clear to me that he still does. Fuck, I even knew that something like this was eventually going to happen. I just… I guess I just didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe that I fell in love with D.O. only to have you of all people take him away from me.” Even though everything about the situation was nothing short of mournful, Kai cracked a feigned reassuring smile which made me feel like the biggest fucking asshole in the world. Especially when he was still fighting back the urge to cry…“I guess it couldn’t be helped, right?” His words hit home more than he could ever imagine, thus I was inspired to reach out and place my hands on his shoulders… do anything that would show my sincere regret for ruining things so gravely for him. But before I could do so, there was an interruption.“You love me?” Both I and Jongin turned to find little Kyungsoo standing behind us, doe eyes wide with fascination and fingers twirling in either nervousness or anticipation.I glanced back just in time to see Kai turn away whilst releasing another exasperated sigh, obviously not at all happy with the way things were turning out.“Some confession, right, hyung?” The maknae of our group peered over at me in an attempt to make a little joke. However, he didn’t answer Kyungsoo and I could only assume it was because he thought he wouldn’t benefit from it anyway. After all, it was me D.O. was interested in… not him. And there was close to nothing he could do to fix that.I silently laughed at Kai’s words, whereas if only knew how I ended up confessing to Luhan. It wasn’t exactly pretty that was for sure.“Kai, I’m sorry, but… I can’t return your feelings,” Kai’s body jolted at that, almost like he had gotten a terrible injection, though I couldn’t say I was taking things any easier either. “I like Lay.”“I know,” The kid went close to silent yet again, which made it hard to hear him, but to be honest I didn’t need to hear him to know what was going on in his mind. After all, out of the four of us (myself, Kris, Kyungsoo and Kai), Kai was most definitely closest to an open book.“K-Kai…?” I watched as D.O. cautiously tried to approach the younger, almost like he was trying to pet a frightened stray kitten. Sadly, he didn’t get very far since in the blink of an eye, Jongin darted away yet again. It was evident that this was all too much for him and that was fully understandable.“KAI!” This time I called out for him, but it was no use, the kid was already out of sight. Almost of habit, I sized hold of my hair and tugged hard.“Lay, are you alright?” I felt a hand on my back that could only belong to Kyungsoo.“Not really.” I admitted without a second thought. “But then again, Kai is far worse.”“I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I love y-”“Don’t!” I swiftly cut the kid off before he could get the chance to finish. I honestly didn’t want to hear it for not only was it the reason Kai was practically heartbroken, it also meant that I was going to be the reason behind another broken heart if things were to escalate even further: Kyungsoo’s.“D.O,” I faced the kid before capturing his puffy cheeks with my palms, giving them slow rubs. “I do love you, but…”“But?” He urged me to continue even though from experience we all know that but is never a good thing.“But only as a little brother. That’s it. I’m not good for you nor can I give you what you deserve. Please try to understand that.”“That’s not true!” The boy abruptly placed his hands over mine to keep them in place after feeling I was ready to let him go. “You know me better than anyone else, better than anyone ever will. Including Kai.”There was some truth there, for it was an undeniable fact that I was closest to Kyungsoo and I understood him very well, apart from when it came to love apparently.“That’s because you won’t let Kai in. You guys are roommates for Christ sake. Talk to him. Properly. You’d be surprised how mature he can be.”“But I-”“Just give him a chance. Let him show you how much he loves you. I’m not asking you to force yourself to love him, I’m simply asking you to understand how he feels about you. He deserves that, don’t you think?”“Don’t you think I deserve a chance too?” Shit. The kid certainly knew what to say and how to compromise. Unfortunately I already knew that no matter what he says or does, Luhan will still come first even after the fight. Despite everything, I still cared a lot for that boy. Probably more than should. But I couldn’t help it.“I like Luhan.” My own confession surprised the kid to the point where his hands finally slipped off mine and lifelessly fell to his sides. It almost appeared as though he was slowly but surely admitting defeat. He definitely didn’t see that coming. And quite frankly neither did I.Yes, D.O. was well aware that I was crushing on Luhan for a while now. Even Kai knew. But what no one apart from Kris knew was that I was actually in love with him. Sure, it would seem strange in the eyes of Kyungsoo who only ever saw me and Luhan exchange odd looks and teasing words or threats. But if he were to know what actually happened between us, he would fully understand where I was coming from.Sadly, that will remain my secret…“I see,” The boy’s head fell in sorrow.“I’m sorry.” I too retrieved my hands from boy’s face, worry creasing my forehead as I heard him sniffle preciously. “But think about what I said, okay? Give Kai a chance. I’m sure you won’t regret it.”“I’ll try,” The boy smiled up at me in a clear attempt to hide his disappointment, but even so, I just knew he was willing to try and make something work with Kai.With my own grin intact I placed a soft kiss on Kyungsoo’s forehead.“I’m going to look for Kai. I need to talk with him and make sure he’s alright. You head back to the dorm, okay?”“Yeah, okay.” Without a word, D.O. gave me a quick warm hug before heading back towards his shared room and leaving me to figure out where Kai had darted off to. I already had a strong hunch as to where he was.The moment I turned around to begin my search, I immediately froze whereas I saw a familiar face standing at the hallway, a face that I never expected to see in this building, for he certainly had reason to ever be there.“Xiumin?” There was clear astonishment in my voice as well as fright, since God knew how long he was standing there. He could’ve heard me say that I was in love Luhan for crying out loud!“Lay, I need to have a word with you.” The elder spoke calmly, yet at the same time seriously, which gave off the impression that I was in some sort trouble. Fuck, this was bad timing. I needed to see Kai as much as I knew Kai needed to see me. I didn’t have the time to stick around and talk to that tiny nuisance.“Whatever it is, it can wait.” I said simply whilst eagerly brushing past him and not once looking back.“It’s about Luhan!” He yelled when he realized that I was genuinely planning on ignoring him. Almost without realizing I stopped in my tracks and slowly peered over my shoulder to spot the worried look on Xiumin’s face.Fuck. That was just what I needed. Now I was forced to make a quick decision: To go and find Kai whose heart was practically shredded to pieces thanks to me or talk with Xiumin to find out what was apparently going on with Luhan who not only kept secrets from me, but also quite clearly didn’t want anything to do with me.Saying it like that in my head, it wasn’t all that difficult to make a decision. At least it would’ve been if I didn’t take into account that Xiumin chose to come to me of all people to actually discuss about Luhan. Something wasn’t quite right about that. He never shares anything with me, so why start now and with such an odd subject? Sadly, Kai remained my biggest concern. Lulu was far more mature than him, thus I was sure that whatever problems he was facing he was more than capable of dealing with them on his own. Not to mention it’s not like Luhan actually needs me anymore. Sure, I still cared for him more than I should, but… I wasn’t sure I was ready to forgive him for hurting me as much as he did.My head hurts…“Lay,” Xiumin spoke up after seeing the difficulty I had choosing to stay. I shook my head at him.“Sorry, Boazi, but it’s going to have to wait.”  Just as expected, I found Kai at the very first place I looked: our place. More specifically it was the school’s rooftop, for it was where the four of us would often go to clear our heads or talk about anything that was on our minds. It was kind of like our place for relaxation. No one ever came here, because technically no one was allowed to apart from teachers, who secretly came here for a smoke or other staff members for whatever other reasons. Sadly, ever since I and Kris started fighting, we all stopped coming here together without even realizing it.“Hey,” I greeted Kai with a warm smile when I spotted him seated by the very edge of the building with his legs dangling down and arms safely curled around the protective bars. He stiffened momentarily as he realized my footsteps were growing louder.“Hi, hyung,” The boy’s voice was uncomfortably groggy as he answered me, hands subtly moving to brush away all proof that he had been crying.“Mind if I join you?” I asked once I stood beside him. Kai glanced up at me as if to make sure that it really was me, thus once our eyes met he forced a tiny smile.“S-Sure,” He scooted to the side a bit to give me space, even though it was unnecessary, before I plopped down beside him, shoving my legs under the bars and onto the edge and propping myself on my elbows.We both sighed once we stilled, almost like every minor movement we made required a vast amount of effort. Then, everything sort of went silent, though not at all in an awkward way. It was actually pleasant, what with the memories it brought back.“It’s been a while since we came here,” I noted with a soft breath whilst glancing up at the sky and admiring that we arrived just in time to catch the sunset. Kai nodded in agreement.“It has. But…” I glanced over at the younger with a raised eyebrow, not at all liking the word but was added.“But?” I didn’t really know if I was going to like what he was about to say, nevertheless, it was more than appropriate to hear him out. Kai deserves to let out some steam, something he honestly rarely does. After all, a good talk can only make things better.“But now it’s not the same anymore,” Kai refrained from engaging in eye contact as he muttered out truthfully.“How so?” I couldn’t say that he surprised me all too much, but at the same time he did.I knew this kid was troubled the most when it came to the misunderstandings that have been going on so frequently. He was a big softie, thus hearing every harsh word exchanged between friends pained him immeasurably. But now I wanted to hear from him, to hear exactly how he felt and what he thought about the way things have changed since our last visit on the school’s rooftop.“It’s kind of obvious though, isn’t, hyung?” Kai momentarily peeked at me over his shoulder before going back to staring at the ground below and completely ignoring the beauty of the sunset above.“Lately everything just seems so… fake to me. Maybe even forced. You and Kris, me and D.O… and now… me and you might also share the same fate. Nothing seems natural anymore, almost like our friendship is long gone. But I guess that’s what you get when you start bringing love into the picture. It screws with you and fucks everything else up. I just… I don’t know anymore. I feel like I’m losing all of you… and it hurts.” Kai’s eyes sealed shut when that undeniable feeling of upcoming tears turned up, though despite his efforts, they still ended up rolling past his lengthy lashes. “I just want things to go back to how they were.”“I know, Kai, I know. I do too.” I admitted truthfully for I understood everything he was saying. The thought of losing bonds that were once so strong wasn’t foreign to me… I too was incredibly scared that I was going to lose those who were closest to me all because of a few seemingly harmless mistakes.“How did all of this even start?”My heart practically skipped a beat at his question, since I knew all too well how everything happened. And I could even say it one word: Luhan. Ever since I began keeping secrets from my friends, having Kris find out about them and even include himself in them, things just seemed to spiral out of control. It was crazy just how angsty things became without warning. Still… I couldn’t tell Kai what happened. I couldn’t be as honest with him as I wanted to be, as I needed to be. Whether I liked it or not I made a promise to Luhan that I will never tell anyone about the arrangement we had and even though me and him were no longer on good terms, that didn’t give me the right to break any promises.Thus in the end, I didn’t answer Kai in a way that I technically should have.“It doesn’t matter how it started. What matters is that we will try our best to end it.” I said calmly whilst placing a comforting hand on Jongin’s back.“How? We all used to be so close, but now it’s almost like we’re together because it’s the only thing we know. I can’t see how we can fix that.”“But we are close, Kai. We just need to remind ourselves that.” Jongin almost instantly looked my way in surprise, making me smile at his adorable lost-boy expression.“I still care for Kris even though he never ceases to annoy the living daylight out me. I still adore Kyungsoo just as much as I did since the first time he showed us his heart-shaped smile. And I still know that you mean more to me than you could ever possibly imagine. You see, it’s easy to forget just how much you care for someone when you see them every day, when everything seems to become just a habit. It often gives the impression that the feelings are no longer there. But when you actually stop to think about it, you realize that they are still there. Bonds don’t just fade away unless you want them to. We simply get used to them. But that doesn’t mean that they will ever leave us.” I paused for a moment when I noticed just how intently Kai was staring at me, not quite sure if that was a good or bad thing. However, judging by his slowly growing smile I knew it was the former.“Tell me, Kai, do you want us all to split up?”“W-What!? NO! Never!” Kai immediately spluttered, visibly outraged that I would even ask him such a question.“Why?” I asked with a slight smirk.“Because I still… oh,” The boy suddenly released a soft chuckle as he realized he was going to say close to the exact same thing I had just told him. “You’re good.”“I know,” I gave him a playful nudge, “Things may not be like they used to, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be better. If you want it hard enough, you can make it happen, no?”“I guess so,” Kai chuckled softly, right before his phone vibrated in his pocket.“Ah, s-sorry,” He apologized quickly as he fished out his phone to check who was asking for him at such an odd time.“That’s fine,” I laughed. “Who is it?” I glanced over at Jongin just in time to catch his rather surprised look.“D.O.” He answered slowly, almost as if he wasn’t all too sure he read the contact correctly. Naturally, out of curiosity I peered over his shoulder to see what the doe eyed male had sent him.What are you doing?Simple, but to the point. Just as expected from Kyungsoo.“What should I say?” Kai asked me worriedly, like it was some life or death situation, and that made me laugh.“Just write whatever. Don’t over think it.”“Okay…”Nothing.Kai wrote back unsurely, tapping in the same word that D.O. actually uses often when replying to Kai’s texts. A little under a minute went by when Kai received a reply, a sudden shriek of laughter that made me jump following immediately after.“What?” I babbled just before Kai showed me what apparently was so amusing.Be more specific!And following that was the same table flipping emoticon that, as Kyungsoo himself claimed, Kai used a lot. It was clear that D.O. was mimicking the younger in way that would hopefully light things up between them. And after seeing that cheesy grin from Jongin, I had a strong feeling it was working.I’m at our place with Lay hyung.Kai then responded truthfully, which I honestly admired whereas he was quick to pull himself together.Oh wow. It’s been a whileIt has, it has…Close to 5 minutes went by when Kai eventually received a response from D.O, and judging by the content of the message, I could easily tell why it took him as long as it did to answer.Thank you for the flowers, Kai. They’re beautiful. And the chocolates. I’ll wait for you so we can eat them together, okay? But be sure to tell me when you’re coming back so I can make tea. Or something. Maybe then… we could also talk?Despite being hesitant, Kyungsoo was evidently taking my advice and was giving Kai a much deserved chance. At that point Kai was literally shoving his phone in my face in an odd mixture of excitement and bewilderment, demanding that I read the message and tell him what it could possibly mean.“Do you think he wants to make up with me? Perhaps apologise? Or maybe he wants to break some bad news? But oh my God what if he doesn’t want to be friends anymore? I’d die!” Kai babbled like the child he was, turning his previous excitement into genuine anxiety, for he was concerned that maybe this was just the calm before a storm.“I guess you’ll just have to find out for yourself,” The boy pouted at me, disappointed that I was of no help whatsoever because I couldn’t successfully comfort him.Before Jongin got the chance to reply, a little melody signalled another text.“I’m sorry,” Kai read it out loud in a confused voice before peering at me with such an unreadable expression it made my stomach churn in unease. God knew what the kid was getting out of those two simple words. However, he still answered, but in a way I didn’t exactly expect.I’m sorry too.I raised a puzzled eyebrow that fortunately Jongin didn’t see. I had no idea what the boy could possibly be apologising for. As far as I was aware of, he was the victim in this situation and had done nothing wrong. But what followed shortly after really was something genuine and to most un-Kai like. To put is briefly it was simply perfect.For loving me? No. For not trying hard enough to show you I love you.That was the soft, pure side of Kai D.O. had yet to meet, a side that actually most people are yet to meet. Everyone knew him as a flirt, because, like I’ve mentioned before, he did have the tendency to hit on other guys or girls who he found physically attractive, pulling them in with sweet, sugar-coated words as some kind of challenge to see how quickly they would be willing to give themselves to him (usually very quickly). However, that didn’t mean he would actually sleep with any of them. It was simply him having a little fun (though it wasn’t exactly the best of ways). He was better than that and sadly that was something most people tended to overlook.To most, Kai will forever be a flirt and even on some occasions a player. But to me, he will be a complicated kid that was still trying to figure himself out by making honest mistakes and sometimes being something he’s not. It’s something we all go through in our own unique ways. It’s understandable. I just wanted D.O. to see that.I hate you…We both laughed at Kyungsoo’s reply and I could just picture him turning bright red with a displeased pout after reading what Kai had sent him.“Do you think I was overly dramatic a bit there?” Kai asked me all of a sudden, hesitance already back on his virtually flawless facial features.“Nah, you were perfect. I would probably melt if I were to ever receive a text like that.”With a soft smile, Kai placed his phone aside and shifted closer to me so is to comfortably rest his head on my shoulder. Without a word, I wrapped an arm around him and simply enjoyed seeing the adorable puppy-like side of him, for it never ceased to remind me just how young and in a way fragile he was. Despite that teasing façade he apparently had, Kai still needed to feel reassured and find comfort in someone’s hold. Like a safety pillar. And for the longest time, he would come to me to fulfil those needs.“You know, there was a moment in my life where I would’ve given just about anything to be like this with you: on the school’s rooftop with my head on your shoulder while we watch the sunset together.” Jongin observed breathlessly.“That was when you had a crush on me, right?” I laughed a little, despite being quite surprised he shared something like that with me. Kai never once mentioned the strong admiration he felt towards me when we were “fresh” friends.“Urgh, am I that obvious?” Kai grimaced at the thought of being on open book, which technically was how I viewed him.“Hey, I noticed you like D.O, so that pretty much answers your question.”“Well maybe you’re just good at reading people.” He suggested, though it only made me laugh inwardly.“If only,”My abilities of understanding other people’s emotions weren’t very good… at all. If they were then I obviously wouldn’t have gotten myself into so many nasty situations that involved everyone I was close to.“Listen, Lay, I um… I’m sorry for getting mad at you earlier… I didn’t mean to lash out like that. I just-”“It’s fine, you dope. You seriously don’t have to apologise. If anything, I should be the one begging for forgiveness. I was the one who messed things up with… you know.” I abruptly cut Kai off since there was no need for him to start kissing my feet for no reasons. It should’ve been vice versa…“You didn’t mess anything up. You’re a good hyung. The best. I’m just a little upset that this was what brought me to see it. You put me first without a second thought and you’re always there for me when I need you. You’re practically one of the few reasons I’m still sane, hyung.” Kai admitted softly with a smile that I didn’t need to see in order to know it was there. If only this kid knew he was practically melting my heart with every word. “And I know that you mean more to me than you could ever possibly imagine.”Kai then swiftly removed himself from my shoulder so is to give me an unforeseen frown.“No homo,” He quickly added which made us both laugh out loud.“Of course, save the homo stuff for Kyungsoo.” I playfully wriggled my eyebrows, provoking the younger to strike my arm.“Oh, I intend to. I’m not giving up on him. I will make him mine!” Kai gave his chest a firm punch to prove his determination. “Even if it means going one baby-step at a time. Like you said, we may not be like we were before, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be better!”As if on queue, my own phone sang a little tune from my pocket, which naturally I responded to by shovelling it out to see who was searching for me. Kai also leaned in to take a curious peek just like I had previously done with him.Where the fuck are you? The damn movie ain’t gonna watch itself and the popcorn sure as hell ain’t gonna eat itself!Kris. Just that guy we actually needed to hear from.Did I ever tell you what perfect timing you have?No. You always say my timing sucks ass. Now hurry up! Don’t make me come find you!Alright, alright! Calm your damn panties, you dweeb. I’ll be there in 10.I’ll be fucking counting.And with that, I looked at Kai and gave him a sly smirk.“You see? Things really aren’t as bad as they seem. We’re all still close. And I doubt that’s going to change any time soon.”“I guess you’re right,” Jongin rubbed the back of head sheepishly, clearly feeling slightly embarrassed that he made things seem close to hopeless (even though they were still a bit bad… but Kai didn't need to know).“You guess?!” I spluttered between chuckles.“We should come back here!” Kai changed the topic all of a sudden, triggering me to jolt at the unpredicted enthusiasm as well as loud voice.“H-Huh?” I stuttered involuntarily.“All four of us. We should come here. Tomorrow. After school. We’ll hang out, talk, maybe drink a bit. It would be just like old times. What do you say?”Kai stared at me with pleading if not desperate eyes, sparkling with need in a way that made it impossible for me to say no. Not that I would have anyway. It was a good idea and I seriously thought we should do it. We needed to. A nod was all Kai needed to know that he had my full agreement.  Soon after we both headed back to our dorms where we already had a good, loyal friend waiting for us. Strangely enough, for the first time in weeks things were actually starting to look up. __________________________  a.n. Omg this was a monster of a chapter! Probably longest yet o3o

Though there wasn't a whole lot of action going in, it turned out so long!

Atill this chap was to show how close Lay and Kai (and D.O.) actually are.

After all it's not all about kris and luhan xD

Lay dogded a bullet that is Kai but we'll see later how things will work out.

And whether or not Kaisoo will eventually happen ;3;

Then there is Xiumin.... o3o wonder what he wanted.

Okay, off to bed! I'll fix mistakes later... orz

Thank you for reading dearies! I hope it wasn't too tacky ;3; lurbs you! ♥