[M] Chapter 13 (1/1)

I was on vacation out of the country for a few weeks so this chapter took me longer than expected, soorrry.    Jinyoung's world seems to come to a halt when Jaebum shuts the door on his face. There is a finality to Jaebum's departure that has the walls of Jinyoung's lungs closing in on him in a panic. Jinyoung grips the doorknob like he's about to open the door, but somehow the significance behind facing an empty hallway scares him even more. Instead, Jinyoung sags against door. His legs stop keeping him upright around the same time his lungs seem to stop supplying him with oxygen. Jinyoung tilts his head back with his mouth wide open towards the ceiling, like a fish out of water, as he tries to breathe.He crushes the heels of his palms into his eyes until splotches of light erupt behind his eyelids, but the influx of tears are unstoppable. Exhausted, Jinyoung succumbs to the tidal wave of emotions. He clutches his chest as he cries openly and loudly into the deafening silence of his apartment. It hurts, it hurts so much.Even though Jinyoung goes to stare up at his blank ceiling, all he can see is the hurt and disappointment etched across the lines of Jaebum's face. Jinyoung hates it. He hates being the reason behind those emotions on Jaebum's face. He hates that he made Jaebum look at him like that. It made Jinyoung feel dirty in the worst way.For some twisted reason, Jinyoung's mind takes him back to his first heartbreak - the day Mark announced his engagement. He remembers a similar feeling of hopelessness. The feeling of being cast away into the ocean without a life vest and you don't know how to swim. Only this time the feeling is amplified by the fact that Jinyoung did have Jaebum in a way he never had Mark. This time Jinyoung had a legitimate chance at being happy, but he was destroying it with his own hands.Jinyoung stops crying long enough to reach, with trembling fingers, for his phone to dial Jaebum's number. None of his calls are picked up, and the wound in his heart pulses again, feeling incredibly raw, causing a new wave of tears to resurface. Jinyoung bangs the back of his head against the door repeatedly, but the physical sting does little to distract him from the sting in his heart.Usually, Jinyoung's first instinct would be to call Mark in such cases of distress. But he can't even use Mark as a resource now. Jinyoung lets out a cry of frustration and prepares to launch his phone across the room when it blinks with a new text message. Foolish hope blooms in his chest until he sees it's only his mother texting him about lunch plans later that week. But she just might be the float he needs in the ocean he's drowning in.  She picks up on the first ring, "Hello?""Mom," Jinyoung chokes out, unwilling to contain the heartbreak bleeding through."Jinyoung?" His mother sounds immediately concerned, "Are you crying? What's the matter?""I messed up so badly." He sobs into the phone, his fingers beginning to hurt from the strength of his grip on the phone. His breath coming in shorter intervals as he hiccups through the rest of his sentence. "H-he's gone. I think h-he must h-hate me now. Oh," Jinyoung wails,  "I'm sure of it actually. He ha-hates me.""Sweetie," His mother breaks through his hysterics. "Slow down. I can barely understand you. Who are you talking about?""J-Jaebum." It hurts to say his name. "He came over. We had a terrible fight and now he's gone.""Jaebum's here in Seoul? Wait, start from the beginning." His mother insists.So, Jinyoung does. He explains everything through gritted teeth. "Now, no matter what I do, I'm going to lose one of them. I'm going to lose one of the two most important people in my life."His mother responds in the most soothing voice she can muster, "I can't read Jaebum's mind, but I feel as if he said those things out of fear. Not because he really means it. He's unsure about his place in your life, and if you showed him that he's just as important or more important than Mark then he wouldn't have to draw that sort ultimatum. In all honesty, you have been paying more attention to Mark lately.""Y-yea," Jinyoung begrudgingly admits, a sense of dread bubbling in his stomach. He got so caught up in catching up with his past that he began to ignore his present. "I didn't realize how much it began to hurt Jaebum. It was selfish of me and now it might be too late-""It's not," His mother starts, but Jinyoung cuts her off again with a fierce, "No."The dread that started in his stomach had now encompassed his whole body as he comes to his own bitter conclusion, "I'm bad for Jaebum. I keep hurting him over and over again." All their past fights flicker through his mind like old movie tapes, replaying over and over again all of his mistakes. Jinyoung feels sick to his stomach, had he been the anchor in Jaebum's own ocean of troubles?Jinyoung's struggles to get the next words out, "The one good thing I can do for Jaebum is choose Mark's friendship, so I can let him be happy without me dragging him down.""You're thinking of choosing Mark?" Even though Jinyoung can't see his mother, he can already imagine the shock written across her face, "I thought you loved Jaebum.""I do," Jinyoung replies vehemently, voice strung taunt with emotion, "That hasn't changed. But I'm starting to realize that I'm doing him more harm than good at this point. I make him so unhappy now don't I? What if I can't make him happy in the future either?"Jinyoung takes in a quivering breath, "Wouldn't the smart thing, the right thing, be to step away?" Jinyoung falters again, mouth feeling sour at his words. "I'm use to unhappiness, but Jaebum doesn't deserve it." I can't drag him down with my own issues."Stop that," His mother interjects with a stern tone, "Yes, you let things get out of hand by putting off talking about your feelings. But maybe Mark and I pressured you a little too early to come back to Seoul before you were ready. Or maybe Mark overstepped his boundaries as your best friend. Or maybe Jaebum was being selfish too when he asked you to drop Mark, and you panicked. My point is, you are not the only one to blame. So many other things added up to this moment, okay?""Okay." Jinyoung gulped."So stop thinking you are some sort of awful human that isn't worthy of happiness." His mother scolds him."B-but the look on Jaebum's face when I hesitated to choose, it was-I felt like the worst person on the planet. I thought, why did I hesitate? Jaebum deserves someone who wouldn't hesitate. I couldn't," Jinyoung sighs, "because even after all this time I feel like I still owe Mark something. I don't know why I feel like that, but it makes me so guilty. And then I think what if I don't love Jaebum as much as I think I do, as much as he deserves."His mother hums in understanding, "Just because you hesitated doesn't mean you love Jaebum any less. The way you'd do anything to see him happy again, including giving up your own happiness at his side - that says a lot. Don't you think he deserves someone like that, someone who would willingly hurt themselves in order to make the other happy?""I g-guess," Jinyoung says, still sounding unsure. "I still hesitated," Jinyoung's voice becomes small and sad, "I don't want to still love Mark.""You don't." He wonders how his mother sounds so sure. "Jinyoungie. Don't you realize you're using a past love as a scapegoat, one that we both know deep down died a long time ago? I mean how did you feel when Mark tried to kiss you, hmm? Elated? Hopeful? Relief?"None of the above. "Angry." Jinyoung says. "I felt angry and d-dirty." He feels himself get heated again. "I felt like I didn't deserve Jaebum anymore.""That's not what someone who's in love with the person who tried to kiss them feels," His mother reasons. "You say you owe Mark something, but you're not teenagers anymore. Things are different now, you are different now. And Mark is a grown married man who can solve his own internal struggles."As if she was a psychic reading Jinyoung, his mother continues, "And it runs deeper than just choosing, doesn't it? You're scared to hurt someone the same way you've been hurt. So you want to be martyr again, just like you were when you let Mark go. But it's not the time for self sacrifices anymore."Jinyoung's breath has been snatched from his lungs, his mother's words clearing up the gray skies clouding his mind."So now," his mother asks, "Tell me Jinyoung, for real this time, what do you really want you to do?Jinyoung's hands are shaking so badly he wonders how the phone isn't on the ground yet, "It-it hurts right now. It hurts to breathe-" His statement is punctuated by a shaky exhale, "without him. I can't do it with out him." Everything else comes out in a rush, "I want to run back into his arms, even if it all goes to shit. Because I can't do it without him. I can't breathe."A beat passes as his mother thinks, and then she asks, "You want Jaebum?""Yes," Jinyoung says hoarsely, "More than ever.""Even if you think it's 'wrong', do you still want to fight to keep him? And don't say something like, 'I shouldn't for his sake', say the truth.""Yes." The answer feels like it's been ripped from the core of his heart."Good." The satisfaction is evident in his mother's voice. "You know what's different from Jaebum and Mark? I see that you have a passion for Jaebum and he has one for you. Yes, you loved Mark, but there was no fire in you that made you fight for him. You stood back and let him get married to someone else. Well, I'm telling you to fight now, Jinyoung, fight for Jaebum. I know you are more than capable. And everything else, including your friendship with Mark, will fall back into it's place."A dim flame of hope burns in Jinyoung's chest at his mother's words. "Do you really think I could make Jaebum happy?"His mother responds immediately with confidence, "Without a doubt."After ending the call and thanking his mother Jinyoung picks himself up from the floor. He brushes off the dust on his pants, and wipes away the tears in his eyes. He goes into his room to clean the pile of broken glass. He's dumps the shards into the trash, along with the rest of his dark thoughts. The rest of day goes by in a numb state as Jinyoung takes a shower, dresses himself, and cooks. He lets his mind wallow in better possibilities and in a brighter future.    The next time Jinyoung wakes up it's in his own bed. This fact startles him because he knows that he fell asleep on the couch right after dinner, clutching his phone, willing the universe to bring Jaebum back to him. And it listened. When Jinyoung turns his head to the side, he sees Jaebum lying next to him. He is the picture perfect image of blissful sleep with his face smushed into the pillow and his mouth slightly agape. It's a sharp contrast to the way his face had been contorted with anger earlier that morning.Relief floods Jinyoung's body like a high tide and it renews him with energy. The rock previously lodged in his chest preventing him from breathing is slowly rolled away as Jinyoung raises his hand to stroke Jaebum's hair with his fingertips. The touch is feather light as if Jinyoung is scared that it's all a dream - that if he blinks maybe Jaebum won't be there anymore.Lips centimeters away from Jaebum's ear, Jinyoung promises, voice barely above a whisper but still with conviction, "I know there's a lot to work on, but I choose you Jaebum. I love you too much to lose you, and I think I'll love you forever."Jinyoung can't help himself and presses a soft kiss to Jaebum's forehead. Content, Jinyoung slumps onto his back next to Jaebum and closes his eyes. Both anxiety and hope humming in his veins.  Jinyoung wakes up again before Jaebum. He has work in an hour but he still takes the time to admire Jaebum's sleeping face in a way he hadn't been able to last night in the darkness. There's a little drool pooled in the corner of his mouth, but Jinyoung still finds Jaebum as breathtaking as always. As sudden yearning buds in Jinyoung's chest, to see Jaebum this relaxed each morning for the rest of his life.Jaebum begins to blink his eyes open and Jinyoung freezes in his position as Jaebum, slowly but surely, regains consciousness. Jinyoung's ears turn pink at having been caught staring. Jaebum just peers at him with uncertain emotion in his eyes. His gaze somehow still manage to make Jinyoung's pulse skyrocket in the same way it did when they first met."Y-you came back." Jinyoung stammers, not knowing exactly what to say or how to act. To an outsider their position in bed may look quite intimate, but the events leading up to this moment have caused them to feel quite physically and emotionally distant from each other.Jaebum nods and sits up against the headboard. The blanket around his shoulders falls graciously down to his waist, revealing his arms in the muscle tank top he's wearing. Even now, Jinyoung's eyes roam appreciatively across the defined lines of Jaebum's arms, remembering with a pang how he use to wake up every morning enveloped in them."I'm sorry I left so abruptly."Jinyoung sits up next to him and stares across at the dresser on the opposite end of the room. Having Jaebum so close, Jinyoung fears that by just looking at Jaebum, he'll do something stupid, like kiss him senseless. They need to talk first.Jinyoung clears his throat before responding, "I'm sorry for the way things blew up yesterday.""Me too," Jaebum agrees."It's not your fault. Or at least not entirely. I didn't handle yesterday the way I should have. Really, I haven't handled any of this," Jinyoung waves one of his hands in the air, vaguely trying to reference everything that's happened since he left, "properly.""I don't want you to blame yourself," Jaebum urges, placing his hand over Jinyoung's laying idly beside him. Jinyoung can't help the way he tenses immediately under Jaebum's touch. He casually tries to retract his hand, but only because he doesn't find himself deserving of Jaebum's touches. At least not yet. But Jaebum can't read Jinyoung's mind so he only sees the blatant rejection, and Jinyoung is still staring straight ahead so he doesn't catch the way Jaebum's face falls.Jinyoung keeps talking as if nothing's happened, "I want to take the blame." He runs a hands through his hair, still not noticing the way Jaebum is tracking each movement. Jinyoung looks at the clock on the wall and makes a noise of irritation at the time, "I have to get ready for work, but as soon as I get home we can keep talking."The light in Jaebum 's eyes wavers, like a flickering candle. He sounds uneasy as he responds with a simple, "Okay."He smiles at Jaebum in hopes that it will bring him some sort of reassurance, something he can hold onto until Jinyoung comes back. "You'll still be here when I come back, right?""Of course."Jaebum's eyes never once leave Jinyoung's figure as he gets up and moves around the room to get ready for work.    On the way back to his apartment Jinyoung buys fresh meat to make bulgogi, which Jaebum loves. He plans on making a full blown dinner as a surprise and the beginnings of his long set of apologies to Jaebum. But when Jinyoung gets to his apartment, it is dark and very obviously vacant of Jaebum. Jinyoung's heart takes a swan dive into his stomach. With his nerves already on edge, Jinyoung assumes the worst and he grips the counter to steady himself, a nauseating feeling already crawling up in his throat. Jaebum said he would wait. He said he would wait.Jinyoung goes to the fridge to put away the meat, no longer feeling up for preparing any food now that Jaebum has mysteriously disappeared. That's when Jinyoung spots a bright pink sticky note posted on the fridge door.I had to go out to buy something. I'll be back soon.- JaebumJinyoung lets out a breathless, almost hysterical laugh. Feeling a little ridiculous at his previous panic. He shakes his head at himself, wondering when he got so angsty. He takes out the meat again to begin preparing dinner. Jinyoung hums as he works in the kitchen, trying to keep his spirits uplifted despite the raging storm of anxiety within him. He's happy Jaebum is willing to listen to him but he is also downright terrified at thought of fucking everything up all over again. There is one thing he's sure of though, he won't let Jaebum go like he did yesterday.Jinyoung unpacks his fancy china dishes, gifted by his mother, for the first time. He had been saving them for a special occasion, but he figures what's the use in waiting, it's better to start acting now. He even decides to get out a few candles to light around the dinner table, in hopes that Jaebum would be somewhat swept away by the gesture. He wanted-no he needed-Jaebum to understand how much he loved him.A knock at the door causes Jinyoung's hand to slip as he lights a candle. He hisses in pain at the burn and holds his finger against his chest as he walks towards the door. Jaebum is waiting on the other side with a bouquet of flowers. He's cleaned up a bit since Jinyoung last saw him. He's sporting a plaid button up tucked into a well fitting skinny jeans and his hair is slicked back the way Jinyoung likes it. Color races to Jinyoung's cheeks at an alarming speed, yet not exactly unusual when it came to Im Jaebum. The pain in his finger is long forgotten.Jaebum clears his throat a little awkwardly, and shyly hands him the flowers without quite meeting his eyes, "For you.""Thank you," Jinyoung murmurs, taking the flowers and gazing a little starry eyed up at Jaebum. He suddenly realizes that opposed to Jaebum, he's not looking his best. A pink apron is tied around his waist, and there's a few stains on his shirt, not to mention the little bits of rice that are in his hair. Jinyoung hastily tries to pat down his untamed strands, "Sorry I look like a mess."The first glimpse of a real smile graces Jaebum's face when the corner of his lips quirk up, "You still look beautiful to me."The blush that was already on Jinyoung's cheeks reaches down to his neck. He fumbles with the stem of the flowers to give himself something else to do that isn't throwing himself at Jaebum. He coughs to collect himself and tries to manage a steady voice, "I-um-I made dinner for us." He gestures insides towards the set up, suddenly feeling a little over the top with the plates and candles he's set up, but Jaebum seems to appreciate it."You cook?" Jaebum teases, in order to distract them from his previous comment on Jinyoung's appearance. He's already looking a little embarrassed at his blatant attempt at flirting."Shut up." Jinyoung says but it has no bite to it.Jaebum chuckles, even if sounds a little strained, at least they're not yelling at each other. He seats himself at the table, "You made bulgogi? Wow, Jinyoung. Thank you. This all looks very nice."Jinyoung returns him smile, albeit it's tense, but a smile nonetheless. "Let's eat." Jinyoung says, intentionally postponing their talk. He hates himself for chickening out so soon, but seeing Jaebum with flowers and attempting to act sweet as if nothing had happened, threw him for a bit of a loop. To be honest, Jinyoung had expected a little bit more of resistance or reluctance on Jaebum's part after everything. Jinyoung almost wanted Jaebum to shun him because he deserved it and although Jinyoung was sure about his choice, he wanted Jaebum to be sure about his own.Even though Jinyoung wants to enjoy this dinner in peace, he keeps fiddling with his chopsticks and then he finds himself fiddling with his glass. There is no denying the elephant in the room that suffocates the room with underlying tension. The growing silence looms over them, vibrating in the space between them like a taunt string. Jinyoung wants to cut through it but can't find the words with which to do it. Everything he thinks of saying doesn't seem like enough.As they near the end of their meal, Jinyoung frets over the impending talk and quickly excuses himself to get a bottle of wine from the kitchen. Back in the kitchen, Jinyoung paces back and forth, trying to formulate the right sentences to explain the jumbled mess in his mind. Fuck it. There's no right way or wrong way to say to what he wants to say. He can only speak from the heart and pray Jaebum understands.Jinyoung steps out of the kitchen, hands shaking a little around their grip on the bottle. Jaebum looks up at him from his plate and they exchange charged smiles, although Jinyoung's might look more like a grimace. Jinyoung goes to pour some wine into Jaebum's glass, but a few drops slip past the rim of the glass and plop onto the white of his table cloth, they glare back at Jinyoung as if mocking his weakness. "I'll get something to clean it up."Jaebum's hand clamps over Jinyoung's wrist in an instant, and Jinyoung's pulse flutters beneath his fingertips. "Sit down," Jaebum orders gently, "I want to talk."Jinyoung nods, keeping his eyes on the glass. "Right. That's what I said we would do." He sits himself down in a chair beside Jaebum."Why do you look like a skittish cat that's going to run away any second?" Jaebum prods, eyes searching Jinyoung's face for a sign of what's to come next.Jinyoung lets out a nervous laugh, and Jaebum must take it as a good sign because he places a hand on Jinyoung's thigh. "Jin-" Jinyoung trembles under his touch and Jaebum quickly removes his hand, sighing as he straightens up in his chair. Jinyoung doesn't know why he's reacting this way, months away from Jaebum and he doesn't know how to act around him anymore."I told you I want to fix things." Jinyoung starts, determined to get through this. Damn his awkwardness. "The things you said-"Jaebum jumps in before Jinyoung finishes, "I didn't mean to make you so upset by saying those things.""No, no" Jinyoung shakes his head, "You had every right to say them. I hurt you Jaebum, and I want to stop hurting you so much. As of today it all ends. I want to-" Jaebum's face had grown dark by the end of his sentence. Jinyoung barely got another word out before Jaebum was lunging forward to grab Jinyoung's face between his hands and crash their lips together.Jinyoung's body jumps as if it's been electrified.It's clumsy. It's sloppy. There's a tingle of pain where Jaebum's teeth knocked into his upper lip. But it's also the first kiss they've shared in months, so Jinyoung mirrors Jaebum's own impulsive nature by kissing him back.Jaebum's lips feel like electricity in the sense that Jinyoung feels like there's sparks dancing around his own mouth, crawling down his spine, spreading into his veins, and leaving his whole body buzzing. They've never kissed like this before. Jaebum's mouth is power hungry and merciless, and Jinyoung can barely keep up with his frantic pace. Still he tries, and pushes back until Jaebum is standing up and gathering him up in a tight embrace. Their combined desperation lingers in the little air left between their bodies.But there's the little voice of reason in the back of Jinyoung's head, reminding him that they still haven't talked properly as they should. As much as Jinyoung wants this, he knows he has to stop. Jinyoung plants his palms against Jaebum's chest and wretches himself away, "Wait! We have to talk, we have to-"Jaebum once again interrupts him, in typical cheesy k-drama fashion, by dragging him into another kiss with a steady hand on the nape of his neck. Jinyoung almost cries out in frustration. He plans on pushing Jaebum away again, he really does, but the urgent way that Jaebum kisses him has his brain short-circuiting and his voice of reason dims out. The hands that were previously pushing Jaebum away on his chest, now fist into the material of Jaebum's shirt to pull him closer. Jinyoung hates it, hates how Jaebum makes him lose himself so easily. Its just, he's missed this. He's missed Jaebum so, so much.Jaebum tears his mouth away to plant sloppy, wet kisses on Jinyoung's neck. Jinyoung tries to use this as a chance to say something again, "We should-We should-" He wants to say, We should talk, but Jaebum finishes his sentence for him, "We should go to your bedroom."His voice of reason resurfaces, attempting one last time to scream with red flashing lights. Park Jinyoung, I swear if you go to bed with him now, you'll never get to talk. But Jaebum is dragging a hand suggestively down Jinyoung's chest, and then he's gripping Jinyoung's chin with steady fingers to spear his tongue hastily into Jinyoung's mouth, and before Jinyoung knows it Jaebum is pushing him backwards until they've reached the door of his bedroom. From there it's easy for Jaebum to push just a little bit more so they are crossing the threshold. It's easy for him to pin Jinyoung's willing body against the wall. And soon all rational thoughts in Jinyoung's mind are scattered away like frightened birds, high into the sky never to be seen again. All he can think is Jaebum, Jaebum, Jaebum. It's overwhelming to have so much of Jaebum at once when they haven't been this close in months. Everywhere Jaebum touches him burns like hot coals, from the hands roaming underneath his shirt with lustful intent to the lips on his neck leaving scorching trails in their wake. Jinyoung's knees grow weak when Jaebum begins to roll his hips, and his hands fly to grip Jaebum's hair to keep himself steady. Jaebum pants into his neck as he reaches in between them to undo the button on Jinyoung's slacks and tug them down. Jinyoung nudges him away to yank at the buttons on Jaebum's shirt. He uses a little too much strength and a few go flying off into the corner of his room."Shit. Sorry." Jinyoung gasps, but Jaebum seems to pay no attention to the poor state of his button-up shirt as he manhandles Jinyoung out of his t-shirt. Suddenly, Jinyoung feels quite exposed, only in his boxers while Jaebum still has most of his clothes on. Never before had Jinyoung seen Jaebum so desperate to get him undressed and it sets off the first warning bell in his head.He's tugged away from the wall and onto the bed. Jaebum stands at the edge, scrambling out of his jeans. He quickly gets onto the bed and on top of Jinyoung to grind down into him, his half open shirt still hanging off his shoulders. Jinyoung clutches Jaebum's shoulders as heady arousal grows in his gut, his head falls back as he moans, Hyung, Jaebummie, hyung.But then the second warning bell goes off, when instead of kissing him Jaebum buries his face into Jinyoung's neck, and Jinyoung swears he feels something damp on his skin.The third warning bell goes off when Jinyoung calls out to Jaebum to make sure everything is okay, but Jaebum only responds with warbly whine.Now Jinyoung is getting worried. Jinyoung tilts Jaebum's face away from his neck in order to get a good look at him. He's startled to see Jaebum's eyes glistening with unshed tears. Jaebum wretches his face from Jinyoung's hand, his ears burning with embarrassment.Jinyoung's hand falls limply at his sides, "Are you crying?""It's nothing," Jaebum grits out, blinking rapidly. His hips still grind down insistently onto Jinyoung, "Just forget it.""It's not nothing, " Jinyoung urges, his arousal slowing waning as concern begins to take over.Jaebum shakes his head and goes to place his head back into Jinyoung's neck, but Jinyoung isn't having it this time, not after seeing the state Jaebum's in. His voice of reason finally wins over as he pushes Jaebum off with strong hands. Jaebum falls onto his back beside him, realizing Jinyoung isn't going to let this go. He groans and throws an arm over his eyes.Jinyoung turns to him and places a gentle hand on his arm. He speaks softly, as if to a child, "What's wrong?"Jaebum presses his lips together into a tight, white line. His voice goes small and quiet, "Don't look at me."Jinyoung's heart breaks. He tugs Jaebum's arm away and sees that Jaebum is actually crying now. It's the first time Jinyoung has seen Jaebum look so fragile. Jinyoung immediately threads their fingers together and squeezes his hand. "Please, tell me what's wrong."Jaebum refuses to meet his eyes, "God. This is embarrassing." Jinyoung just squeezes his hand again in encouragement, so Jaebum continues, "I just, I felt like I was going to lose you back there. When you said you wouldn't hurt me anymore and that things would end, it sounded like bad news. I got scared. That's why I kissed you so suddenly." Jaebum looks a little sheepish, "I thought that if I could show you how much I love you physically, you would change your mind.""Oh Jaebum," Jinyoung laments. Even now he kept hurting Jaebum in some way, he had to stop this trend. Jinyoung lifts his other hand to stroke at the skin underneath Jaebum's eye where the tears have gathered. "You probably didn't hear me last night, but I said that I choose you."Jaebum's shiny eyes snap to his face, "W-what? When?"Jinyoung smiles tenderly down at him, "You were asleep." He thinks back to his talk with his mother. He couldn't even stick to his decision to stay away from Jaebum for more than a single phone conversation. Deep down, he knows his mother was right when she talked about passion. Even back at Wang Cafe, Jinyoung had been overwhelmed by his feelings for Jaebum. There was no denying it, at the end of the day all Jinyoung wanted was Jaebum."You aren't going to lose me. To be honest, since the day we meet my whole heart became yours."It's quiet, as soft as the drop of the pin, but Jinyoung hears the way Jaebum's breath catches.Jinyoung pauses, before saying the next words carefully and slowly, "I want to move back in with you. If you'll still have me that is. But even if you dont'-!" Jinyoung's voice cracks mid sentence at the possibility, "I'll still move back to Busan near you, and I'll win you back if it's the last thing I do. I can't live without you, I'll fight for y-""Jinyoung!" Jaebum finally finds his voice and Jinyoung clamps his mouth shut, his heartbeat roaring like ocean waves in his ears as he awaits Jaebum's response. Jaebum's calls out quietly, "Come here," tugging on Jinyoung's hand, and Jinyoung can feel a tug on his heart as well. Like a metal to a magnet, Jinyoung falls into Jaebum's embrace with ease."Of course, I want you to move back in with me. You don't have to fight for me. We've already done enough fighting, don't you think? Why make things harder? I just want us to be happy." Jaebum says, voice hoarse with relief at Jinyoung's confession. He runs his hands through Jinyoung's hair. "Just, what I said yesterday...it was a lot. Have I made you feel pressured or forced?""No, if anything, your words were a wake up call." Jinyoung sits up a little in Jaebum's arms to look him directly in the eyes, "I know I've given you reasons to doubt me, but believe me when I say this. I was miserable for years, when I use to love Mark. Unrequited love is an exquisite type of pain that I don't wish on my worst enemy. But with you, Jaebum, with you, I got my first glimpse at what true happiness could be."Jaebum is left speechless once again at the power of Jinyoung's words, "Oh," is all he can manage at first. Yet some of his old doubts still seep through, "Y-you'd be leaving everything here in Seoul. What if I can't make you as happy as you think-"Jinyoung smiles reassuringly at Jaebum. He thinks since he had arrived in Seoul he hadn't experienced one fraction of the happiness he had while at Wang Cafe. "Jaebum," Jinyoung breathes, leaning down so their foreheads touch and their breath intermingles. Jaebum's hands tighten around his waist with apprehension. "You are all my heart has ever wanted."That seems to be the breaking point for Jaebum because he promptly bursts into tears. Jinyoung panics briefly. His hands flutter over Jaebum's face before settling on his cheeks to wipe away the tear tracks. "I keep making you cry," Jinyoung says mournfully.Jaebum lets out a watery laugh, "Good tears this time, I promise. I'm just so happy."Jinyoung kisses the remaining tears on his cheeks away. "Good. Gosh, I need to work on my communication skills. I probably should have said all of this before we jumped on each other like horny teenagers."Jaebum laughs again, finally revealing a true, unhindered smile and Jinyoung has never seen a sight more beautiful. "In your defense, I jumped on you first."Jinyoung agrees with a fake grim expression, "And how could I, mere peasant Jinyoung, withstand the seductress powers of the great Im Jaebum."Jaebum shoves Jinyoung's shoulder and Jinyoung rolls onto the other side, curling into himself as he's consumed by giggles. Jaebum rolls Jinyoung back over to face him, and clambers on top of him. His tears have long faded away into a grin, "Seductress, huh?" Jinyoung plays along, nodding seriously up at Jaebum, but the way his lips tremble with more laughter gives him away. Jaebum gazes down at him, eyes overflowing with so much affection that Jinyoung feels it envelop him like a blanket.The moment is broken when Jaebum descends on him to nuzzle his face into Jinyoung's neck as his fingers dance along Jinyoung's sides to tickle him. Jinyoung shrieks, twisting his torso in a valiant but futile attempt to escape Jaebum's prodding."Mercy! Mercy!" Jinyoung cries, and Jaebum eventually pities him. He stops to rest his forehead back against Jinyoung's.Eyes still holding all the tenderness in the world, Jaebum murmurs, "I've really missed you."Jinyoung leans up slightly to brush their noses together. It's an incredibly cheesy gesture but he figures after everything they've been through, he can indulge himself a little."I think the distance has made you cheesier," Jaebum says as if reading his mind, and Jinyoung glares at him. Jaebum remains unfazed as he peppers kisses from Jinyoung's jaw to the skin behind his ear, where Jaebum bites gently."I've missed the taste of your skin," Jaebum sucks a little harder, and Jinyoung gasps as the sensitive patch of his skin is suckled into Jaebum's mouth."I've missed the noises you make." He trails a hand up Jinyoung's bare thigh to the edge of his boxers, Jinyoung startles, realizing his half undressed state. Unconsciously, his legs close and clamp down around Jaebum's hand.Jaebum smiles into his neck, "I've missed your reactions. But most of all," Despite the grip Jinyoung's legs have on Jaebum's hand, Jaebum manages to shove his hand further up so his fingers are just ghosting over the outline of Jinyoung's length. Jinyoung relents, and his legs fall apart as an invitation which Jaebum graciously accepts by placing his palm over Jinyoung's crotch. Jaebum brings his lips to Jinyoung's ear, voice husky as he drawls out, "I've missed touching you."Arousal once again blooms in Jinyoung's stomach and he twists hastily in order to kiss Jaebum. He wastes no time in passing his tongue over the curve of Jaebum's lips, asking to be let in. Jaebum parts his lips and Jinyoung greedily tongues at the roof of his mouth, seeking the taste he's missed so much. They kiss until neither can breathe, until Jinyoung head is spinning either from lack of oxygen or from his overwhelming love for Jaebum. When they part for a break, Jinyoung flushes as he realizes Jaebum still had a palm placed over his crotch and had been able to feel Jinyoung begin to harden shamelessly by just kissing.But Jinyoung wants to shake the power play up, just a little."Hyung," Jinyoung whispers into the space between, "You know how I said I would fix things?" Jaebum hums in response, eyes still focused on Jinyoung's swollen cherry lips. "Let me show you how much I love you."Giddy excitement fills Jinyoung when Jaebum nods, not knowing what's about to happen. Jinyoung gently pushes Jaebum onto his back, and Jaebum lets him, even stretches out suggestively in front of him.Jinyoung's feels his throat clump up with unspoken emotion as he takes in the sight before him. Jaebum looks stunning and erotic laid out before Jinyoung. His shirt is still on, but it's unbuttoned and hanging open. Sweat outlines Jaebum's chest and stomach emphasizing his toned muscles. Jinyoung's eyes trail down past the wet patch on Jaebum's boxers, to his thick and toned thighs. Realizing how obviously he's checking Jaebum out, Jinyoung snaps his gaze up to Jaebum's face, but it does nothing to soothe his hunger because Jaebum is stunning everywhere. The way Jaebum's once sleek hair is rumpled into a mess, the way his cheeks are flushed pink, the way his mouth is parted to pant for air - everything about Jaebum seems stir something in Jinyoung. Something stronger than just arousal flows through Jinyoung's body, making his head fuzzy."You know I love you right?" Jinyoung blurts out, his fingers skirting across the expanse of Jaebum's body.Jaebum shivers underneath his touch and his eyes are livid, "Yea," He sounds like he's hearing Jinyoung confess for the first time. "I love you too."With a barely concealed mischievous smile, Jinyoung keeps moving his hands down until he's dragging a single finger down the length of Jaebum's clothed erection and then back up again. Jaebum grunts in response and Jinyoung takes that as encouragement. He spreads his palm over Jaebum's length as if he's going to properly touch it, but instead, Jinyoung dances his hand further down, bast the base, around his balls, and down to his hole. Jaebum's hips jerk up in surprise as Jinyoung's fingers touch the edges of his entrance over his boxers."J-Jinyoung, what-" Jaebum leans up on his elbows, surprise coloring his face."Hyung..." Jinyoung simpers, yet voice still innocent, "Has anyone touched you down here?""Never," Jaebum stutters, a flush reaching his chest."Hmm," Jinyoung hums, as if disinterested, but the glint in his eyes says otherwise. He grasps the edges of Jaebum's boxers and shoves them down until he's bare. Jaebum's gaze still wavers with concern so Jinyoung's places a kiss to the inside of his tensed thigh, "Relax, hyung."It's all the warning he gives before gripping Jaebum's hips to angle him up for better access and then leaning down to give a tentative lick over Jaebum's entrance. Jaebum cries out, legs immediately clenching down around Jinyoung's shoulders. Jinyoung is not deterred, as he continues to skirt his tongue around the rim in repetitive motions, barely going inside but Jaebum was already shaking like a wet puppy in the rain.Jinyoung pulls away for a second, "Is this okay?" Jaebum had lost his balance on his elbows and had collapsed against the pillows. He nods weakly from his position, eyes already glazing over, "Don't stop."Jinyoung eagerly dips back down. He keeps his strokes gentle but firm, knowing this is Jaebum's first time and not wanting to overwhelm him. Although judging by the whimpers Jaebum keeps letting out he's already past overwhelmed. Jinyoung feels powerful in this position, making Jaebum melt into the mattress with his tongue. It's a nice change to have Jaebum be the one begging instead of himself."I can-" Jaebum moans again as Jinyoung does something particularly good with his tongue.  Jaebum blindly reaches out to grip Jinyoung's head by his hair and nudges Jinyoung's mouth further into him, legs shaking. If he weren't so preoccupied, Jinyoung would be smirking with satisfaction at the affect he's having. "I can practically hear you gloating down there." Jaebum groans, arms falling back to his sides.Jinyoung dares to push his tongue deeper into Jaebum's tight heat, spearing his tongue in and out at a brutal pace. Choked moans are ripped from Jaebum's throat. The sheets where Jinyoung rests his elbows shift as Jaebum twists his fingers in the bedding. From the corner of his eyes Jinyoung can see the muscles of Jaebum's thighs clenching and unclenching in a similar way Jaebum's entrance clenches and unclenches around his tongue.As Jinyoung increases his speed, Jaebum's hips rock back onto his tongue, seeking sweet release. Jinyoung complies and sucks harder, keeping a steady grip on Jaebum's hips in order to keep the angle just right. Jaebum's legs twist and spread as as he gets closer and closer. Jaebum cries out one last time, Jinyoung's name, as he spills onto his stomach.The bed dips as Jaebum sits up and yanks Jinyoung closer by the elbows to slot their lips together in a bruising kiss. When he pulls away, Jinyoung is left panting. "You're amazing," Jaebum strokes the side of Jinyoung's face, "What do you want?"Jinyoung waits a minute to catch his breath, " I want to feel you inside of me." His face heats up immediately after such a blunt request.In a second, Jaebum has them rolled them over so he's on top. One side of Jaebum's lips is pulled up in a teasing smirk and it makes Jinyoung's heart flutter stupidly in his chest. The smirk promises a long restless night. Jaebum leans in suddenly, and if even possible Jinyoung blushes harder. Jaebum responds in a low voice, "Anything my baby wants."Jinyoung's stomach flips at the pet name. He whines into Jaebum's neck with embarrassment. Jaebum just coos about how adorable Jinyoung is when flustered. Jinyoung just wants to die. A stupid part of his brain says that would actually be perfectly fine because he'd die in Jaebum's arms.Jaebum pulls away to finally discard the shirt hanging on his shoulders. He lays completely naked above Jinyoung, and Jinyoung gives into the temptation. He touches and touches, lets his hands roam all over and rakes his nails down Jaebum's chest until Jaebum's breathing pattern changes. Wasting no more time, Jaebum rids Jinyoung of his boxers and with some lube begins to pry him open. Jaebum's skilled fingers have Jinyoung thrashing beneath him. Jinyoung whimpers into the chilly night, and he can feel Jaebum harden against his bare legs. Jaebum thrusts up, rubbing his erection along the inside of Jinyoung's warm, inviting thighs.Jinyoung half pleads half moans, I need you, I need you so badly. His mind paints lewd pictures of the night where he had ridden Jaebum to a shuddering climax. He images how good it would feel after so long, how good it would feel to be completed by the person he loved most in the world. The need to be as close as possible to Jaebum consumes Jinyoung like wild fire. His whole body is burning, and he knows the only way the fire will be quenched is through Jaebum. Jinyoung is practically wailing now, verging on crying, as he chants out for Jaebum to fuck him, to fill him up until he's complete.Jaebum's eyes widen at Jinyoung's desperate words, "Shit, Jinyoungie." He hastily coats himself before collecting Jinyoung in his arms again, "I've got you. Hyung's got you."How wrong Jinyoung was to think Jaebum would quench the fire, because as Jaebum slides in by just a few inches, it's like pouring gasoline on fire. Jinyoung's body burns ten times hotter than before. The fire burns everywhere, burns out the rest of the room and the rest of the world, until only Jaebum and Jinyoung exist in the universe in that moment. Jinyoung grasps out blindly at Jaebum's shoulders, his arms, his back, anywhere he can find purchase so he doesn't drown. Jaebum keeps pushing in, achingly slow, not wanting to hurt Jinyoung but only making it more agonizing for Jinyoung to bear. Jinyoung moans and hisses with each inch that Jaebum eases into him, and by the time Jaebum bottoms out, there are actual tears budding in the corner of Jinyoung's eyes - not exactly because it hurts so much.After a quick nod on Jinyoung's part, Jaebum begins to move his hips ever so tantalizingly slowly. He barely pulls out an inch before grinding his hips back into Jinyoung's pelvis. He draws out each thrust as if they have all the time in world, letting Jinyoung really feel every inch of him as their hips move together. Jinyoung whimpers and rocks his hips back with more force, trying to speed up their pace, but Jaebum keeps a steady grip on his waist preventing further movement. He seems determined to fuck into Jinyoung slowly and languidly, so as to savor each second of the moment.Jinyoung writhes and whines, so Jaebum leans down to place kisses all over his shoulder in appeasement. The press of Jaebum's lips against his bare skin will always soothe Jinyoung. He sighs in contentment, but the feeling doesn't last long when Jaebum hikes one of his legs over his shoulder and thrusts sharply into him. The angle helps Jaebum reach deeper, and he hits Jinyoung's prostate. Jinyoung almost become incoherent, "There. Please. Harder."As if testing Jinyoung's limits, Jaebum teases him by moving his hips like molasses. Jinyoung clenches around him and demands, "Harder. Jaebum, Harder."He hears Jaebum chuckle smugly at his bossy tone. If Jinyoung weren't so in love with him, and well if Jaebum weren't balls deep inside of him, Jinyoung would have probably hit him. Probably. "You asked for it." Jaebum says and it sounds like a warning.Jaebum draws out completely before slamming into him, and continues a feverish rhythm. Jinyoung throws his head back and grits his teeth, but it does nothing to stop the whimpers pouring out of his mouth each time Jaebum slams back into him. Jinyoung spread his legs even more, letting Jaebum reach deeper and deeper. Their skin slaps together to create the most obscene noise from the force of  Jaebum's thrusts, and Jinyoung's own leaking cock bounces on his stomach marking it with precum."Oh J-Jaebum," Jinyoung cries out, on one particularly brutal thrust, his voice gone high pitched and wrecked. His length throbs with heat, he's so, so close. Jinyoung lets go of Jaebum's shoulder in favor of grasping the top of the headboard behind him for more stability, so he can use his other hand to jerk himself off. But Jaebum just yanks his wrist away and pins it to the bed. Jaebum leans down with a hungry glint in his eyes, the same hunger Jinyoung is sure is reflected in his own eyes. Jaebum just presses a tender kiss to the corner of Jinyoung's mouth, and Jinyoung whines twisting his head to get a proper kiss.Instead Jaebum dips down to bite Jinyoung's shoulder. "Mine," He practically growls, low in his throat.Jinyoung feels his heart glow at the possessive tone in Jaebum voice, "Yours," he agrees, and Jaebum's hips stutter in their pace."I'm all yours, Jaebum," Jinyoung continues at a whisper, "I've always been, always will be." Jaebum's grunts as his hips jerk erratically, Jinyoung moans feeling pleasure-pain sizzling across his body.Somehow admist the daze, they regain eye contact and settle back into a rhythm. They press together, impossibly close. Jinyoung's plaint body curves and molds around Jaebum as he moves inside of him. Slowly, they fall apart together and begin to melt into one another emotionally, and somehow physically. It would be hard to distinguish where one ends and the other begins, whose skin is whose, whose breath is whose.In that moment, as they inch closer and closer to a climax, everything else in Jinyoung's life becomes minuscule next to Jaebum. Jaebum fills him up again and again, filling up all the empty spaces Jinyoung didn't even know existed, until he's complete in a way he has never been before. Jinyoung is overwhelmed by a feeling, that had already been lying dormant for a while but now in this intimate space between them, where there were no longer secrets or resentment, the feeling unfurls and blooms like a flower in his chest.Jinyoung's body tenses around Jaebum, and they shudder in unison. Jinyoung can no longer hold back and tips over the edge into his orgasm, seeing stars in Jaebum eyes. Jaebum follows shortly after, seeing the same stars in Jinyoung's eyes.They come down from their high, gasping and clutching against one another. Suddenly Jinyoung wishes there was a stronger word than love. Something to describe the feeling that he had felt a few moments ago, that he stills feels now, even after the cloud of sex is gone. He feels it, the depth of their connection forming and enveloping both of them in a warm cocoon. He hopes, no, he knows by the way Jaebum is looking at him, that he feels it too. There's an unspoken promise of happy ever after in the silence between them.There's a mess in between their legs, but Jaebum still cuddles up into his side and Jinyoung can't bear to part from him for a second. So they fall asleep like that, tangled and messy. The previous chaos looming over them had begun to recede. There were still wrinkles to work out in the fabric of their relationship, but for now a peace settled over them, their hearts beating in unison. Certainty washes over Jinyoung, he knows that Jaebum is and always would be the love of his life.    Some time around midnight, Jinyoung wakes up with a parched throat. He decides a glass of water would help him get back to sleep. As quietly as he can, Jinyoung stretches to get up. There's a sting in his lower back to serve him as a reminder of last night, and he finds himself shamelessly pleased at the sensation. Jinyoung heads over to his hamper to slip on a shirt and boxers so he won't be cold on his walk to the kitchen.In the kitchen, Jinyoung sees his phone idly sitting on the counter that had abandoned the minute Jaebum walked in. As he walks over, he nerves flutter a little to see missed calls and messages. One of the calls is from Jackson and then a long text message.'You're not picking up my calls and I hope that means you're talking with Jaebum. If you're not...well, listen. Jaebum has a temper and he says things, but that's only because he finds it hard to trust people. You have to gain his trust back. You have to tie up any loose ends with Mark. Maybe it's not my place to say, but Mark is making his own life now, he's married and all. Don't you deserve to make your own life to? I've seen the way you and Jaebum look at each other, it's clear you love each other a lot. So all I'm saying is you have a good chance of being happy with Jaebum. So just, figure out some sort of peace with Mark. Please, for Jaebum's sake and your sake.P.S I miss youuuu. We all do. Come visit sometime. <3<3<3<3'Jinyoung smiles, and text backs his own long heartfelt thank you. But the smile wavers when he sees the next set of calls and messages are from Mark.'Please pick up''What I did was unforgivable I know, but we need to talk.''I'm not gonna try anything again, please, I just want to talk. No more tricks. I would hate myself forever if we lost our friendship because of what I did.'Jinyoung's stomach sinks at Mark's words. But Jackson's message also rings in the back of his head, tie up loose ends. So Jinyoung calls Marks knowing from years of friendship that he tends to stay up late most nights. Mark picks up within seconds."Jinyoung," Marks breathes into the phone, voice filled with relief, "I'm so glad you called. I apologized back in your apartment, but I can't begin to explain how sorry I still am. I'm so, so sorry." He rambles on, "Do you hate me, now? It's okay if you do. I probably deserve it."Jinyoung sighs, "No, I don't." He can't, because Mark is still his best friend. "I forgive you." Jinyoung may be petty and hold grudges in most situations, but now was not the time or place."Really?" Mark sounds so hopeful. "I thought I had just lost my best friend.""No," Jinyoung says, "We are stronger than that after so many years. Don't you think?""Yea," Jinyoung can hear Mark's smile through the phone, "We are...Jinyoungie, there are still things I want to say. I want to explain myself. But I think it's better if we do this in person. I have work tomorrow, but the day after I'm free. Can we meet up for coffee or something?""Sure. There are things I want to say too. How does 2pm sound?""That's perfect.""Okay, I'll meet you then.""Okay, well good night for now, Jinyoungie.""Goodnight."Jinyoung ends the call, feeling a little more at peace. He knows he can fix this too.    Can I just say the JJProject comeback has me slayed. Verse2 is so good. I feel so proud of both of them and it just makes me so happy to see them writing their own songs. Aaaah. I just, this comeback has made me feel very good. :)) I think my favorite song would have to be either Coming Home or Icarus. How about you guys?