I Love You (1/2)

About three hours into practice, Seungho called for a break so that everyone could grab something to eat and some caffeine to give them some energy. Sanghyun offered to take the van and go get something, and after they all voted on what they wanted, the man turned to Changsun with a smile.

“Want to come with me~?” he asked, and received a shrug in reply. Sanghyun took that as a yes and grabbed Changsun’s hand, leading him out of the building.

Changsun didn’t care; Changsun wanted to be anywhere but in that room. After he and Sanghyun returned earlier, he hadn’t been able to look at Cheolyong the entire practice. He felt so disgusting and dirty-- which he found kind of funny, considering it was Sanghyun he was cheating on, not Cheolyong.

But it didn’t feel that way.

So he wouldn’t make eye contact with Cheolyong, and wouldn’t stand near him if he could help it. He couldn’t bear to see the expression on the man’s face.

Cheolyong sighed and rolled his eyes, wondering what the fuck was Changsun’s problem, and also wondering where the fuck his-- Oh there he was. Cheolyong walked over and greeted his boyfriend lovingly, completely put off by Changsun’s attitude towards him. “Hello Gregory, What took you so long?”

Greg smiled and wrapped his arms around Cheolyong’s waist, face burying into his hair as he breathed in. “I had to get all prettied up for you CheolYongie~ Sorry for taking so long.” Greg pulled away slightly to place a gentle and loving kiss on Cheolyong’s lips, “Missed you..”

Before Changsun could climb into the passenger’s seat he was whirled around and shoved against the van. He didn’t even have time to react in surprise before Sanghyun’s lips were against his.

But then he did react, pushing the man off of him instinctively and instantly regretting it afterwards. Sanghyun stumbled back a little in surprise, and then looked at Changsun with shock and... and hurt in his expression. Immediately Changsun began apologizing, reaching out to grab Sanghyun by his arms. Sanghyun sidestepped back from him and looked away.

Guilt clenched Changsun’s heart and squeezed violently. “Oh, god,” he moaned, completely upset with himself. He reached up and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, saying, “I’m so sorry, Sanghyun, I didn’t mean it like that. I just...” He needed an excuse. A legitimate excuse that wasn’t a lie.

“We can’t do that out here. The paparazzi lurk around every corner, you know that.” Sanghyun pulled his lip between his teeth and glanced at Changsun, giving him the most heartbroken look the man had ever seen in his life.

Without a word he stepped away from Changsun and moved over to the driver’s side. “I think you should stay here...” he said quietly, and then closed the door. Changsun didn’t get a chance to even try to make further amends before Sanghyun was starting the car and taking off.

Cheolyong sighed and leaned into Greg happily, surprised that he had actually missed his boyfriend too. “I missed you too Gregory...” Greg smiled and ran his fingers through Cheolyong’s hair, “Did you now..?” Cheolyong smiled and pressed his forehead against Greg’s, “Yes.. I did..”

Greg smiled and kissed Cheolyong again, “Prove it.”

Changsun sighed and rubbed at his face furiously, so beyond stressed now it wasn’t even remotely funny. With a frustrated scream he turned on his heel and stomped back inside, where he just so happened to walk in on Cheolyong and his boyfriend sucking face.

The sight made him so angry that he didn’t even know what to do with himself. He considered just knocking the shit out of Greg. He considered screaming himself mute. He considered just turning around and walking out.

He was leaning more towards the first.

Cheolyong pulled away and caught eyes with Changsun, heart clenching at the man’s angered expression. Greg only made it worse by wrapping his arm possessively around Cheolyong and giving the man a glare that spoke more than words ever could. Cheolyong took a breath and smiled at Changsun, “Hey Changsun hyung...”

Changsun took a loaded breath and glared right back at Greg. He wasn’t going to pretend to like the man who was trespassing on his property. “What’s he doing here, Cheolyong?” Changsun asked, struggling desperately to keep himself from doing something he’d regret later.

He didn’t even pause to think about the fact that he just considered Cheolyong as his belonging.

Cheolyong sighed and rubbed his forehead, “He’s here because I wanted to see him..? It’s been about a week or so Hyung... I’m pretty sure it’s normal for me to hang out with my boyfriend hyung.”

Cheolyong gave Changsun a look, telling him that if he was only doing this so no one got suspicious. In all reality, the only person Cheolyong wanted was Changsun.

Changsun couldn’t comprehend the look. His mind was far too fuzzed with stress and anger. “He can’t be here for the practice, you know that. Ji Hoon would have your head if this got leaked.” He didn’t spare Cheolyong his tone, or his expression.

Cheolyong glared at Changsun and pulled himself out of Greg’s grip, “Changsun hyung, can I talk to you in private for a minute..?” Cheolyong pulled Changsun out of the room until he found somewhere private enough, and when the doors slammed Cheolyong rounded on Changsun, eyes flashing angrily, “What the HELL Changsun..? Don’t you see what I’m trying to do..? What’s wrong with you..?”

Changsun didn’t appreciate that at all. Being yelled at by Cheolyong was not helping his mood. He narrowed his eyes in self-defence and yelled right back. “No, I don’t see what you’re trying to do. Why don’t you clarify for me! Obviously it’s wrong of me to get upset when I see you hanging all over someone else, but it’s not wrong for you to pitch a fit and beat the house up when someone else is hanging all over me. How much sense does that make?”

Cheolyong pushed Changsun up against the wall, hands landing on either side of the man’s face, voice dangerously quiet as he spoke, “I’m trying to hide the fact that we’re together Changsun... I don’t want people to get suspicious... and how suspicious would it be if I lost interest in my boyfriend..?”

Cheolyong couldn’t help it as he pressed his forehead to Changsun’s, it was just something he needed to do. “And Changsun... I haven’t said anything to you since we’ve been together... And it’s not like I’m still having sex with Greg Changsun... It just wouldn’t feel right..”

Guilt stabbed Changsun right in the gut and he almost vomited right there. He tore himself away from Cheolyong and fled the room, slamming the door behind him and purposely shoving past Greg as he headed back outside. He needed air.

Greg sighed and began his search for his boyfriend, knowing hat he’d be upset after this. What Greg found seriously caught him off guard, Cheolyong was sitting against the wall with his knees to his chest, and he was crying.

“Cheolyongie..?’ Cheolyong looked up at his name, eyes completely broken as he looked up at Greg, which broke Greg’s heart in return. “Oh Cheolyongie...” Greg walked over to the man and sat down next to him, pulling his love into his lap as he held him. “Shh... Cheolyongie... Everything will be okay.”

Changsun inhaled the fresh air into his lungs, closing his eyes against the wind as it pushed his hair out of his face. Then he exhaled, and repeated this action quite a few times as the wind steadily and gradually washed away his anger.

Cheolyong sobbed and buried his face into Greg’s chest, something about the way Changsun had left had absolutely broken Cheolyong, he was beginning to get tired of this stupid game they were playing. Either Changsun was with it or he wasn’t, Cheolyong wasn’t going to put up with this for any longer.

Greg sighed and stroked Cheolyong’s hair, “What’s wrong baby..? What happened..? Did Changsun hurt you...? Do I need to go kick his ass?”

Changsun ran his hand through his hair and turned around, walking back inside. He sat down in a chair over by one of the wall mirrors and leaned over, burying his face in his hands.

Greg pulled Cheolyong closer to him, trying his hardest to block his love from all the wrong in the world. “Shh.. Cheolyongie, It’ll be okay...” Cheolyong pulled away and shook his head, “No.. No it won’t be okay.. I’m so tired of his attitude, he’s so on and off with me it isn’t even funny, either we’re friends or we’re not, but I’m so fucking tired of him playing with my head.”

Greg sighed and stood up, taking Cheolyong with him, “Well then.. I think you should tell him Cheolyongie, let’s go find him.” Greg smiled at Cheolyong softly, “I’ll be there with you the whole time if you need me Cheolyong... Just let me know if you want me to step out though, I’ll understand.”

Changsun looked up and caught eyes with his reflection. Instantly, it became one of those thoughtful, insightful moments where he took a look inside himself and attempted to understand what was going on.

What was he doing? How had he gotten himself into this situation? Changsun had always, always prided himself on being honest, and here he was caught in the biggest lie of them all. He was cheating-- cheating on a man who did not deserve it. Sanghyun was a good person, and truly loved him, and he was convinced that Changsun loved him back.

And Changsun was letting him believe it.

It was the same as lying. Changsun had become a dishonest man, and with that realization he was forced to look away from his mirrored image. Changsun was disgusted with himself. He’d become the exact type of person that he despised, and so now he despised himself.

Why didn’t he just stop? Why didn’t Changsun simply solve his problem by confessing and apologizing and making things right? The answer was simple. He couldn’t. He was unable to tell Sanghyun, because even worse than looking at himself now would be looking at Sanghyun and watching as his heart broke right in front of him... because of him.

Even more so than his honesty, Changsun was fond of his kindness towards others. He wouldn’t ever hurt a soul if he could help it-- which was why he didn’t lie. Lies were painful. So here he was lying, and if he told Sanghyun the truth, then he’d be hurting. Changsun just couldn’t do that.

Augh, when did his life get so complicated?

Cheolyong followed Greg, completely oblivious to the world as he led him around the studio looking for Changsun, only when Greg spoke did Cheolyong break out of his trance, “There he is Cheolyongie..” Cheolyong looked over at Changsun, his heart breaking all over again at the sight of the man. “Greg... I.. I don’t want to talk to him...”

Greg smiled and grabbed Cheolyong’s face, faith so apparent in his eyes that it made Cheolyong’s heart stop. “You need to talk to him Cheolyong... So just be strong alright baby...? I have faith in you.” Cheolyong smiled softly and nodded, “Good... do you need me to go now..?” Cheolyong nodded again, “If you don’t mind Gregory...”

When Greg walked out of the door Cheolyong took a breath and walked over to Changsun, “Hyung.. We need to talk.”

Changsun saw them coming in the mirrors. He didn’t turn, though, until his name was called. By then Greg had left, and it was just he and Cheolyong alone in the studio. He looked the man over, and was made painfully aware of the fact that Cheolyong had been crying. “Yeah?” His voice cracked, showing that he was terribly affected by Cheolyong’s tears.

He didn’t like hurting people, but it seemed he would hurt someone no matter what he did or how hard he tried not to.

Cheolyong sat down beside the man, pulling his knees to his chest and sighing sadly, “I.. I need to know Changsun hyung... Do you want to stop...? Because you’re honestly confusing me... Earlier today you were touching me and loving me and... and then later you won’t even look at me Hyung... I.. I love you.. and I just want you to be happy...”

Cheolyong took a breath to calm himself, “I don’t want this to be a game to you Hyung.. I love you, and I don’t want this to turn into a sex only relationship.. I want you to love me back..”

Cheolyong laughed at himself in attempt to cover up a sob, “Or at least have some other feelings towards me besides lust.”

Changsun held his hand out beside him, offering it to Cheolyong silently. He didn’t know how to explain to Cheolyong that he wasn’t looking for a sex-only relationship either. He didn’t know how to explain to Cheolyong he wasn’t a game to Changsun. He didn’t know how to explain to Cheolyong that he was very quickly developing such strong feelings for him that it made him sick to his stomach to be with Sanghyun, because it felt to him like he was cheating on Cheolyong.

Cheolyong sighed and took Changsun’s hand, pulling it into his lap and examining their interlocked fingers sadly, “Changsun hyung.... Please let me know what you want...” Cheolyong scooted closer to Changsun, head falling onto his Love’s shoulder sadly, “I don’t want things to go badly for us...”